• All of us are “wronged” every day and often multiple times. The wrongs may be real or perceived.
• Your choice centers around how you want to process them.
• Do you hold on to it them or let go and move on?
• You always have this choice. One problem is that the more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let it go.
• Recognizing the nature of a “grievance story” is the first step.

I have held three and five-day workshops at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY with Dr. Fred Luskin, a Stanford psychologist and author of Forgive for Good,¹ my wife, Babs Yohai, a professional tap dancer, and my stepdaughter, Jasmine, who is an expressive arts practitioner. The tightly-structured seminar is based on awareness, hope, forgiveness, and play. Most people experienced major shifts in their pain and mood during the week and continue to improve following their attendance.

There were three ground rules: 1) you could not complain about your pain or let the other participants know where you were hurting 2) medical care could not be discussed 3) no complaining – period. Most participants were initially thrown off by not being able to discuss their pain, but quickly realized how important it was in contributing to his or her healing. What I had not realized prior to conducting these workshops is how much people complain – not only about their pain, but also about life in general. How can you enjoy your life when you are continually upset?

Your Grievance Story

One of the first concepts that Dr. Luskin presents in his book, Forgive for Good,¹ is that if you tell the same story of woe more than three times to others where you are the victim, you have a “grievance story.” He points out that this person or situation is “renting too much space in your mind.”

Directing your attention

Your nervous system will rewire and mature in whatever direction you place your attention. How much time do you spend thinking (obsessing) about your pain? How aware are you of other’s needs? What percent of your conversations are spent discussing some aspect of your suffering? Do you really enjoy discussing your pain? Don’t you become tired of it? Are you driving friends and family away?

BTW, talking to your dog or cat is OK. It is a variation of expressive writing, and they listen.

Recognizing your grievance stories

Grievance stories are common and every day, life does not go exactly as you planned. It becomes easy to look at “patterns” and feel that this person always does this to you, or your employment situation is adverse. The home is also a great source of grievance stories. Dr. Luskin defines a grievance story as being you telling the same story of being wronged to three different people. It is a simple yet sobering definition because we are upset, it feels good to vent and feel supported. Maybe once is fine, but how long do you want to remain a victim of circumstances? The only person who will continue to suffer is you. If you apply this simple concept to your life and conversations, you might be shocked at how many of these stories you have and how often you share them.

Bringing grievances home

People commonly bring their complaints about work or the day home. They somehow feel it is important to share and “download” the problems. Even if you are not upset at your family member or others in the house, it brings in an unpleasant energy and upsets your home. Home is a place to rest and regenerate and complaining about the day doesn’t create peace. Through the mirror neurons effect of the brain, you’ll directly fire up similar areas in other peoples’ brains. We all know that just being around someone who is frustrated is not great.

Frequently, the scenarios at work or with your disability situation are not solvable, the grievances may be legitimate (they usually are), and you’ll continue to remain upset and disrupt your family. All parties eventually get worn down. Whatever your issue is, you own it. It is not others’ responsibility to solve it or even make you feel  better. So, what is the end point? It is you. You have a choice of how you relate to your troubles. You don’t have be happy about what is happening, but it is important to stop complaining. Recognizing your grievance stories is the first step. They are not only “renting too much space” in your mind, but they have also moved into your house.

Georgia

One of the most dramatic turnarounds I have witnessed was a patient who came to me to treat her scoliosis. Her curve was about 60 degrees and she was suffering from chronic back pain. There is little evidence linking scoliosis to chronic pain. Since her spine was still balanced, I was not inclined to consider a surgical procedure. It would have involved at least 8 hours of surgery with a complication rate of over 50%. She had been wheelchair-bound for about 10 years and was taking a lot of narcotics. I told her that I would consider surgery only if she engaged in the rehab process as outlined in my book. I asked one of my colleagues to help out with her healing process. Within a couple of months, we realized that she was not taking any responsibility for her condition and was unwilling to put forth any significant effort. We decided to discharge her from our care, as we clearly were not being helpful.

About a year later, she re-appeared on my schedule. I have to confess – I was dreading walking into the room, since I had already given her so many admonitions to engage. I opened the door and she was standing there without any support, was off all of her narcotics, and did not have any pain. She was working out in the gym and getting back to re-engaging with her friends. I was stunned.

Of course, I was more than a little curious about what had happened. She admitted that she had been sitting in her house for years,  obsessing about everything that had gone wrong in her life. Essentially, all of her conversations were focused on her problems that were created by her pain. She had been in a couple of car accidents and had gone through a bitter divorce. She resonated with the forgiveness section of the DOC project, and quit talking about her miseries. She decided to let go and move on. Within six weeks the pain began to abate, and by four months it was gone. And even though I saw her at a later date in the hospital (she had a fall), Georgia was still living the life she had always wanted to live and radiated energy and joy.

Recap – Stop it

Stop discussing your pain, medical care, or even any of your troubles with the world – NOW. There are no shortcuts. You are not going to move forward while hanging on to your grievances. Every day is an opportunity to begin anew. Behavioral patterns are so deep that changing your conversation to enjoyable topics may be difficult. It will initially be challenging, but you will be surprised at the effectiveness of this simple strategy. Can’t do it? Really? It’s time to ask yourself – how badly do you want to heal? It is surprising at the number of people who unconsciously hold onto the power of their suffering.

Questions and considerations

1. Make a list of stories of woe that you often share with others and then focus on three that seem the most important. Then just stop talking about them. Eventually you’ll be less inclined to discuss them.
2. A major aspect of healing is nurturing joy. Consider how often you are doing this compared to the amount of time spent complaining.
3. Ask people who are close to you about how much time you spend sharing your problems and how they feel about it. What are some of the themes? You may not like the answers, but you’ll understand the importance of changing your patterns.
4. Consider how you feel when one of your close friends or family is constantly complaining? How do you think you appear to others when you are in this mode.
5. Are you being the person you would like to hang out with?

References

1. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2002.

The post Grievance Stories first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Grievance Stories appeared first on Back in Control.

One is that going back into The Abyss is inevitable and part of life. The key is to learn to use the tools more skillfully to come back out of it. The second point is that none of us really have the luxury of remaining angry without significant mental or physical consequences. Your body’s physiology is on overdrive and people get sick.

I was aware of this possibility when he first began to deal with the situation with his neighbor. I even warned him about it. Even though he intellectually knew anger was a problem, it is a powerful force that pulled him in. He not only became ill, but seriously so. None of us have the luxury of remaining angry without paying a price. Interestingly, effectively processing anger ALWAYS is the gateway to true healing and that is also part of this story.

Tom’s latest encounter with anger

I lived more than 22 years in debilitating chronic pain. I lost my business and seriously damaged many relationships. Having had 28 surgeries including 7 spinal operations, my medical history includes 3 heart attacks, opioid addiction, and a suicide attempt. I was trapped in the hell of the abyss for a third of my life. Since discovering Dr. Hanscom’s book “Back in Control” several years ago I have been free from chronic pain. Now at age 67, I have survived and am thriving.

This past winter I became very stressed and angry at my neighbor lasting a few months. He notified me  that he planned to cut down the cedar trees surrounding my front yard sanctuary, I was furious. My cobblestone courtyard, complete with a triple waterfall was ringed by towering evergreen cedars and my covered front porch. It was green, quiet, and very private. I loved it as my place for meditation and relaxation. My rocking chair was my perch as I watched the hummingbirds zip around my hanging baskets and frolic in my fountain. The sound of the waterfalls is music to my ears. My neighbor made me so upset for what he’d done to me, as I became a victim! I went indoors to the basement and literally screamed. I allowed myself to remain angry; incensed, for 3 months. It made me sick.

The symptoms begin

Soon after finding out that the demise of my sanctuary was imminent, my right eye started to constantly tear up resulting in tears streaming down my face. Being very upset, I’m sure my emotional state caused the tears to stream.  The tear duct clogged up which resulted in me needing surgery, which included the surgeon accidently burning the inside of my nose due to a surgical error. After the first surgery they “…went back in there…” a second time. The pain was indescribable, some of the worst I’ve ever experienced. I HATE the term “going back in there”. Twenty years ago, my neurosurgeon went “back in there” 3 times. It didn’t help.

The demolition date for the trees was set, and my sanctuary was decimated on the morning of my 67^th birthday. My green amphitheater was gone in a matter of hours along with my sanctuary and privacy. The neighbor’s house  towered over my courtyard with an unimpeded view of my yard and porch. I implored him to buy tall replacement plants to restore some of my privacy, but he said, “I don’t care…that’s your problem”. I talked him into allowing me to buy  the replacements. He chipped in all of $200 towards my $2,500 cost to plant his plants in his yard. My anger escalated. The sanctuary should by restored in about 10 years. Meanwhile I’m building a replacement sanctuary in the backyard.

More problems

Just as I was healing from the complications of my eye surgery, I woke one night in a lot of pain. As I sat up, I was overcome with pain in my right flank. I laid back down desperately trying to determine what was happening. I writhed in pain the rest of the night refusing to admit I was in trouble and telling my wife I was hurting. By the time I decided I needed to get to the hospital I could no longer sit up as the pain was too intense. My wife called 911.

My anxiety level skyrocketed. I was frightened by the duration and intensity of the pain.  A CT scan revealed a blockage in my right renal artery. The doctor said it was like the kidney had a heart attack (infarction). My right kidney was damaged, and its function was reduced by about 50%. They medicated and admitted me to the hospital.

Now COVID–and The Abyss

The nurse woke me at 2:30AM and said, “Sir, please wake up, you aren’t going to like what I have to tell you.” She was right, I didn’t like it when she told me my hospital roommate had Covid-19. He was an elderly man with serious respiratory distress. He had been coughing and hacking for the past 2 hours with no mask and the door closed. I bolted from the room and was quarantined for the remainder of my four-day hospital stay. No visitors allowed.

I was already on edge worried about producing another clot and having another stroke before the Covid-19 exposure. With the news that I’d been exposed, I went over the edge and quickly descended to the bottom of the abyss. I couldn’t talk or think straight. Everything around me went dark as I was in dire pain both emotionally and physically. With my comorbidities including COPD, congestive heart failure, and a prior stroke I was at high risk for succumbing to the virus. I thought I may die from the kidney blood clot and/or the virus exposure. My anxiety level was off the charts.

There was no social interaction for the next 4 days. Staff came in daily in “moon suits”. I couldn’t see anyone I knew during my 4 day stay. When discharged, I was quarantined at home until I tested negative; 10 long days after my exposure.

Clenched teeth–the descent continues

The day I was admitted to the hospital was the same day that I was set to have oral surgery. A week before the kidney problem appeared, I had broken and/or damaged my lower 4 lower front teeth. While chewing, I clamped down too hard and the front teeth landed behind the lower teeth breaking  them. I was crushing my food as my jaw was set and tense still manifesting the anger since I was not ready to let it go. It cost $10,000 for dental repairs because I was stubbornly holding onto my anger rather than processing it and letting it go. 

 It became  obvious to me that I was triggered by the neighbor and was profoundly angry and resentful of what he had done to ME (the victim). Whenever I thought about or saw my neighbor, I’d have a real bad reaction.

There were 3 major health events within 100 days of my neighbor announcing that he was going to remove the trees that guarded my sanctuary. #1) required one surgery and two intensely painful “procedures”. #2) I broke my teeth by biting down too hard. #3) I had the renal artery infarction of the right kidney.

Moving on

How did I go from lounging in the green circle in my sanctuary to being in the red circle back in the pit of darkness and despair? By failing to address and process my anger I caused myself  to be sick. I knew how to calm myself through meditation, processing anger and climb out of the pit. Finally, I flipped the switch on my anger toward the neighbor and subsequently let the whole problem go. I’m building a new refuge and I’m back to greeting my neighbor. The eye healed completely, the teeth were replaced, and the kidney suffered some damage but is now stable. The most important consequence from this incident was me having to consciously decide that I was not going to be the victim and that I need to maintain my “practice” of the DOC Journey’s main tenets. Meditate and relax your nervous system. Refuse to discuss your pain problem with others, and always process your anger expeditiously.

My new life

Having been on The DOC Journey for 7 years, I’ve NEVER felt better in my life. My chronic pain is gone; my anxiety is under control. Over the 20+ years while in the abyss my anxiety was so high the future terrified me.  The pain haunted and tormented me. Now I eagerly look forward to today with, awareness, renewed energy, and a pain free existence. My reaction to what was previously unending pain was living an angry, sedentary, reclusive, and psychologically paralyzed life. I’m now very active walking, swimming, and practicing yoga daily. I no longer perseverate about problems and issues over which I have no control. The physical activity promotes awareness, positive thoughts and the never ending “chatter” in our minds. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my lifetime. I’ve learned when and how to “flip the switch”.

The consequences of anger

I have learned a lot about anger from observing hundreds of patients navigate it or not and from my own journey out of chronic pain. There are no shortcuts. If you decide to remain angry, you are choosing to hold onto your pain. What makes this challenging is that anger is powerful, it protects you from feeling vulnerable. Additionally, the more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let go. Tom certainly had a lot of legitimate reasons to remain angry.

Anger is so powerful, no one ever wants to really give it up. I have used a term, “flip the switch.” You just have to decide to move on. Life is never fair and other wrongs will continue to be done to you. If you continue to hold onto them, it becomes a heavy load. It also compromises your immune system and you’ll have a significant chance of becoming ill. Tom’s story is a classic example.

Processing anger is a learned skill set that will allow you to live the life you choose on your own terms. Tom continues to be a major inspiration for me.

Addendum

I’m trying to adjust to this feeling of well-being. I’m so relieved to not be in pain anymore that I could shout it from the rooftop. One thing we need to pay attention to is the “why”. Why me and not so many others?  But also, what traits, characteristics or beliefs do I and others share that have successfully made the transition from chronic pain to a pain free existence? That question hangs in my head daily.

Best. Tom

The post Anger and Illness–Cause and Effect first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Anger and Illness–Cause and Effect appeared first on Back in Control.

What would be the outcome of a scenario where a stranger or acquaintance walked up to you and began to call you names and shove you. Maybe they even hit you? What would you do? You would call the authorities and the perpetrator would be charged with assault. If it was a first offense, there might be a light penalty and stern warning. However, if it was repeated, he or she would incur a much stronger penalty–maybe even prison.

This behavior is unacceptable at every level in the adult world, although there seems to be an increasingly common trend called “mobbing.” In this situation, co-workers or colleagues with gang up against a fellow worker and harass them.

Why is any level of this behavior tolerated in childhood? Any of it? I don’t have to give examples because every one of us has either witnessed bullying, been a part of it, or been a target. What is remarkable, is that the attacks are often emotionally intense and can involve physical contact. Usually, it is repetitive and can last for years. Make no mistake, the scars are permanent and there is a medical case that bullying should be treated as criminal assault right from the beginning, regardless of what age it begins. This does not necessarily mean severe consequences at the beginning but a clear pathway of consequences needs to be laid out.

Early on, it is the parent’s responsibility. Where are the kids learning this behavior? Who are they imitating? Are they being bullied at home? Remember, the basic role of a parent is to provide a safe, nurturing, and secure environment where everyone can thrive.

The consequences of being bullied

The core issue driving chronic disease, whether it is mental or physical is the body’s survival response to chronic threat. The solution lies in creating safety. Some of the consequences of remaining in a survival state are elevations of:

• Inflammatory cytokines (signaling proteins) that drive inflammation,
• Adrenaline and noradrenaline that increase heart rate, muscle tension, rate of breathing, and sweating.
• Histamines that fire up the immune response
• Cortisol, which drives a heightened metabolic state that destroys tissue in an effort to maintain a fuel supply for fight or flight.

The data

A 2014 paper out of Britain obtained 50–year follow up data on 7,771 participants whose parents reported bullying exposure between ages 7 and 11. Here is a partial list of the consequences and they were more severe if the bullying was frequent vs. occasional. (1)

One of the stark facts is that 28% of children had been exposed to occasional bullying and 15% had been frequently bullying. That is high percent. Life isn’t fair and the kids who were bullied were more likely to suffer from the following problems.

• Parents in manual occupations
• Low parental involvement
• Placed in foster care
• An ACE score of two or more (Adverse Childhood Experiences) indicating various forms of abuse
• They had lower IQ scores
• Difficulty in processing stress – either internalized or externalized it

Consequences

• Increased anxiety, depression, suicidality
• Poorer self-rated general health
• Lower cognitive functioning
• Alcohol dependence
• Lower educational level by midlife
• Higher unemployment rate
• Being single or without a partner
• Less social
• Poor social support
• Lower quality of life
• Lower satisfaction with life

Another paper by the same author looking at the same group of people who had been bullied showed that women who had been bullied showed elevated inflammatory markers and a higher chance of obesity, which leads to a host of other medical problems. It is becoming increasingly clear that persistently elevated inflammatory markers is associated with almost every chronic disease state­–both mental and physical. (2)

Over 40% of the population was exposed to some level of being bullied in this study and there are numerous other studies documenting the often devastating mental, physical, and social consequences. Why do so many people bully others? I could never figure out why someone would treat another person in a way that they would not like to be treated themselves. There are several reasons with the wounded chicken in the coop being one example. Animals of all species instinctively weed out the weaker members of the group.

Not thinking clearly

But humans have consciousness and have the capacity to override that impulse. But another problem is that when you are angry, the blood supply shifts away from the thinking centers of the brain and you cannot think clearly. You revert to non-human animal behavior and it is destructive. Anger is only about self-preservation and is temporary insanity.

The rewards of power

There is also a physiological reward for being bullied. One study showed that children who had been bullied had higher levels of  inflammation as measure by a blood test called C reactive protein (CRP) than children who had not been bullied. (3) As noted above, these levels can be sustained well into adulthood. What is more disturbing is that the bullies had significantly lower levels of CRP than students who were left alone. My assessment of this situation is the answer for anxiety is control, so as to take evasive action to survive. Anxiety is an inflammatory process. So, the more power you possess, the more control you have. What we call “socialization” in school is an early and ongoing power struggle. It is not subtle how this behavior carries into adulthood.

Kids will be kids

This is deadly phrase. It covers up a multitude of wrongs that have lasting consequences. Multiple studies have documented the issues. Many efforts have been made to clamp down on bullying but we all know how pervasive it is.

I am not going to list all the possible solutions and certainly many efforts had a lot of success. But they don’t go deep enough and don’t have the necessary reach. Why?

Parents hate bullying. They feel helpless. Teachers hate it. They can only do so much and unfortunately bullies love it when people try to stop them. They now have a lot of attention and control. Just policies and light penalties are no match for them.

It is a crime

I am not a fan of our criminal justice system. Teaching life skills to those in prison is critical and it is not widely being done. So, these comments are made with this in mind – rehab first. However, in addition to the “zero-tolerance” approach that has been attempted for over a decade, bullying is a crime and should be treated as such. It is the logical starting point.

References

The post Bullying is Assault and Should be treated as Such first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Bullying is Assault and Should be treated as Such appeared first on Back in Control.

Suppressing

The most common way of dealing with anxiety and anger is to suppress it. It has been documented that when you try not to think about something, you’ll think about it more – a lot more. There is a trampoline effect. (1) Although you might be successful in consciously suppressing thoughts for a while, your body will be full of stress hormones. The consequences of suppressing thoughts are high, but stuffing emotions is even more of a problem – especially anger. Many people don’t like feeling angry, so they don’t allow it. One method I used was attaching to an identity of “being cool under pressure”. It worked and I was able to become a complex spine surgeon with the mindset of, “bring it on.” Then this approach failed and in one hour in 1990, I went from being bulletproof to having panic attacks. I didn’t see it coming.

I now understand how skilled I was in suppressing and disguising anxiety and anger. But the same energy that took me up the hill took me down the other side. Anxiety and anger are necessary for survival and you can’t get rid of these emotions. The key to dealing with them is to learn to experience them and train yourself not to react with such strong responses. As your body’s levels of survival chemicals lessen, your anger and anxiety will pass and you can move on. Initially, this is a challenging skill to learn, but it will change your life and your pain. Here is a poem that was sent to me that illustrates the concept.

THE FIRE OF ANGER

Anger is not wrong.
Anger is not unspiritual.
Anger is not against life.

Anger is like fire.
You respect the fire, you tend it, allow it to burn.
No need to smother the fire or put it out now.
No need to push the fire onto someone else.
The fire is safe, when you let it burn.

Anger is energy, neither good nor bad.
Breathe into it.
Let its fiery sensations move in the body; in the head, neck, chest and belly.
Feel the power there.

See how anger calls you to remember your dignity, your worth, find your voice, speak your truth, protect those who cannot protect themselves.
To smother the fire would be to smother the fire’s intelligence.

Anger brings gifts that sorrow cannot.

Find a middle way. Not repressing anger’s fire, nor throwing it.
But feeling it.
Bowing to it.
Knowing its beauty.

Until it burns out.

Jeff Foster

Anger is destructive

I still don’t like the way I am or how I feel when I’m upset. I now realize that anger is only destructive, since it’s the body’s response to regain control. It is damaging to all relationships, especially within your own family. It’s ironic and tragic that our closest relationships represent our deepest and strongest triggers. Instead of home being a place of safety and peace, it’s often chaotic and unsafe.

When I’m angry, I want to lash out and I still have a tendency to suppress it. Then a situation may occur that is quite mild, and my reaction is WAY out of proportion to it. A mantra came into my head a few months ago that’s been helpful.

“No action in a reaction.”

I realize that there is nothing I can say or do when I am upset that’s helpful, and I just zip it. I fail more often that I’d like to admit, but I’m gradually improving.

How do I look?

Another strategy that has helped is to picture how I appear to others when I’m frustrated. I’m sure it isn’t great although I can’t see it. My wife and I have a saying, “Anger isn’t attractive.” It’s true and this is a humbling exercise.

Remember, that in addition to training your body to be less full of stress chemicals, you can learn to stimulate “play chemicals” such as oxytocin (the love drug), serotonin (anti-depressant), dopamine (reward system) and GABA hormones (similar to Valium). It’s a learned skill that isn’t possible while you are doing battle with those around you. But picture your body full of these hormones. How do you feel when you are laughing? What’s it like when you are on the couch relaxing with your family or friends? Have you done that lately?

Learn to be with your anger, anxiety and pain. As you quit fighting, paradoxically you’ll be able to move on and stimulate a pleasant chemical environment in your body, regardless of your circumstances. Then you can create the life that you want.

1. Wegener DM, et al. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1987); 53: 5-13.

The post No Action in a Reaction – Part 2 first appeared on Back in Control.

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It’s not them, it’s us

Regardless of your political leanings, our politicians are not the problem with our society. I am not a great historian but it was clear all of our recent political candidates for president exuded anger, righteous indignation and were human verbal flame throwers. Whatever happened to focusing on the issues and the different choices in solving them? They are not the problem. It is us. We are angry and politics are simply a reflection of our collective consciousness. It would not have mattered who won. The problem is deep and has been there throughout human history. Cultural angst festers, explodes and re-accumulates. We continue to espouse world peace but have never been able to break this cycle. This time we can and world peace is a possible.

Insanity is 

Doing the same thing

Over and over

And expecting a different result.

-Albert Einstein

It is a possibility because we just underwent a bloodless revolution. We irrationally threw out anything that had to do with the current political structure and tore through both the Democratic and Republican party. How is this possible? You might be thinking that my line of thinking is implausible. It is not. We now have a choice of deciding what we really want – as a people, not by political leanings – unless you want to hold on to it.

Anger/ Rage

Anger is the problem. It does not matter what religion, race, political belief, sexual preference you are. It also does not matter how justified you are in your anger. The more legitimate your anger, the more difficult it is to let it go. It will still destroy you. There are many problems created by continuing to remain in this state.

• You cannot think clearly when you are upset. It is a self-centered reactive survival response that happens in your powerful unconscious brain. Dwight Eisenhower finally realized that he could not make good choices when he was angry.
• Through a neurological phenomenon of mirror neurons your anger will stimulate anger in those around you. Have you noticed that when you yawn others around you will yawn? It is a direct stimulation of that part of the other person’s brain. That is why it is so critical for a leader not to negatively set off this process on a large scale.
• The only way issues are solved through anger is a fight and the most powerful entity wins. Is that what we want?

What is the solution?

The solution is you? You have heard the oft-repeated quote, “The only person you can change is you.” It is true and it works. The first step is awareness of:

• Your anger
• Its effect on your quality of life
• Your family’s experience when you are upset.
• Your co-workers’ reactions and impact on their quality of life.
• Your personal impact on society.
• The nature of anger
  • It is driven by anxiety
  • It happens when you lose control

Healing

Awareness is the first step of healing. You cannot solve a problem that you don’t understand. One of my remarkably successful mentors made a comment about a recent turn of events, “Never waste a crisis.”

We are now painfully aware of our societal anger and we can choose to be a part of it or look at it as an opportunity learn how to personally process it and share our awareness in our circles of influence. Once you are aware of the nature of the problem you can find the solution. If you choose to remain angry, you have also lost your right to complain. You have made a choice to continue to spiral down into your own personal societal abyss. No politician or external circumstance will ever bring you deep happiness and joy.

My challenge – to you and me

I am challenging you to wake up, look up and move forward – with your individual and societal pain. You will soon leave your pain behind and also made a significant contribution to our collective consciousness and planet.

The second edition of my book is based on the recent neuroscience research that is demonstrating that emotional and physical pain are equivalent entities since they are processed in similar areas of the brain. Since you cannot escape your thoughts, you are trapped – and angry. This is not a political problem.

Become aware of the relationship between anxiety and anger, incorporate the principles into your own life and become part of the solution. There is not another alternative. World peace then becomes a possibility and at some tipping point becomes a probability. It is the next step in the evolution of human consciousness.

I am upset about many terrible trends that are occurring and the fog of anger that is engulfing us. I have my own work to do………

The post Society’s Pain and World Peace first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Society’s Pain and World Peace appeared first on Back in Control.

The First Day of School

Every child entering school has a baseline anxiety that is heightened by leaving the familiar surroundings of home even if the home environment is dysfunctional. We are not taught how to process anxiety at any age, especially early on. It has been disturbing to me, as I talk to my patients in pain, that many report having significant anxiety since age five or six. I realize that I have a self-selected group but the vast majority of them report crippling anxiety during their teens.

One of the main antidotes for anxiety is control. The more power you have the more control you can exert. Since every child has this need for affirmation, he or she is launched into a power struggle without an endpoint. What makes it even more problematic is you are now placing your sense of well-being into the hands of another person, who’s self-worth is reinforced by putting you down. It is a deadly cycle.

Power

There is also a physiological reward for possessing power. Every human being depends on anxiety for survival. Your nervous system, through all of the senses is constantly scanning the environment for danger. This is an unconscious function that you will become aware of only when a certain threshold is reached. You are constantly controlling your environment or your behavior to minimize anxiety. The corollary of this scenario is that the more power you possess the more control you can exert. Indeed, the benefits of power have been demonstrated in a study looking at inflammatory markers in students who have been bullied versus the bullies.

C-reactive protein is a blood test that is elevated in the presence of inflammation. It is often drawn to determine the presence of a hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. One consequence can be occlusion of the blood vessels to the heart. It isn’t great to have an elevated C-reactive protein.

Researchers drew samples of this marker on children who had been bullied and found significantly elevated levels of C-reactive protein compared to those who had not been bullied. (1) Being bullied, as your introduction to the real world is a tough start. School or Prison: What is the Difference? What I find even more disturbing is that the levels of C-reactive protein in bullies were lower than the norm. There is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up the power of anger?

Bullied at work

I had another patient who I had worked with for several months to avoid yet another spine surgery. It looked like he had re-ruptured a disc but I wasn’t sure how new it was. Over six weeks his symptoms abated. Several month later he returned with the pain being the worst it had been in a while. I have learned that stress can cause pain flareups because stress chemicals cause an increase in nerve conduction. I asked him if there was anything going on that might be causing more stress than normal. He was being severely bullied at work by almost all of his co-workers. It had been going on for a while. After some discussion, he made a decision to go to Human Resources as well as directly dealing with the bullies. His pain quickly abated.

First of all, to those of you reading this who are one of the people intimidating others around you, “Stop it.” What are you thinking? Are you continuing your playground behavior? Is your behavior something your children would be proud of? Do you want your children to behave in a similar manner?

Second, the name for this trend is, “mobbing.” If you can’t go to work and enjoy what you are doing, where do you escape to? We spend most of our waking hours at work? With your body under a sustained stress chemical assault, why would you not eventually become ill or disabled? Destroyed by bullies

Finally, it has taken me many years to figure out the major block to healing pain is that people become addicted to pain and won’t/ can’t let it go. They would have to learn to live with more anxiety for a while and they don’t want to. Then become honest with yourself and admit that you don’t want to give it up and then becoming angry at the medical profession who is trying to heal you, which also adds fuel to your fire.

“I can’t let go”

I have patient who I have seen over several years. He is middle-aged and has experienced low back pain for over 10 years. He has disc degeneration that is not amenable to surgery. He never bought off on the idea of addressing his pain using the DOC concepts and did not want to let go of his anger. When he showed up in my office a couple of years later I vividly recalled our prior conversation, as the emphasis had not changed. He said, “I can’t let go of my anger.” I pointed out that no one was forcing him to hold on to it. I didn’t know any of the details of why he was so upset. I reminded him that he was the only one who was continuing to suffer. Dr. Luskin in his book, Forgive for Good uses the term, “renting too much space in your mind.”  I asked him again, “What could be so hard to forgive compared to this level of ongoing pain?” He didn’t answer me and walked out the door.

Compassion??

Although we can pay lip service to the concept of living a compassionate life, the unconscious survival patterns will always win out when we are exposed to stressful situations. The Angry Meditator The problem is further magnified by society’s emphasis on accomplishments and winning rather than play. The quest for power is endless since anxiety progresses with age.

Although power is necessary to deal with bullies who are terrorizing the world, fighting violence with violence is not a viable long-term solution. Anxiety-driven anger is the root problem. Understanding that anxiety is powerful automatic neurological response that is not amenable to rational interventions is the first step in solving it. Then presenting the solutions based on de-adrenalizing and re-routing the nervous system must be approached from public health perspective. If we began in pre-school we could  create a massive shift in human behavior and relationships. Why are we continuing to nurture a school environment where being a bully is your best chance of surviving? What has happened to the concept of play?

The First and Last Day of School

1. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.

The post The Power of Pain first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The Power of Pain appeared first on Back in Control.

Hard times

Life doesn’t always go as planned. He hit some difficult personal circumstances and began to underperform. One incident was a high-speed fall where he missed hitting a tree by just a few feet. His left ski hit a small rock throwing him forward. He landed on this left shoulder and dislocated it. He felt for the first time that was going to die, as he hit the snow. He began to ski “not to lose”, which can’t work at a world-class level of competition. The harder he worked the worse it seemed to get.

He began to work with a performance coach in Seattle, David Elaimy in 2006. He was 22. I sponsored him and his best friend, Holt, to work with David over the next several years. Nick climbed to 5^th in North America on the NorAm circuit. Holt went on to win the National Championship in 2007. It was a tough competition for Nick, as he did not make finals after a fall on the top jump.

Injuries

In 2008, Nick had good shot at the National Championship. Our whole family and David Elaimy were watching Nick warm up on a tough course in Killington, VT. He appeared to be one of the few skiers who was mastering the steep course with firm snow. Suddenly he pulled over and sat down. With a very slight twist his anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee popped. He rehabbed quickly after surgery to ski the next season. Then he popped the cruciate ligament in his other knee. He again worked hard enough to compete the next season. Then he partially tore his ankle in practice as he over-rotated on a back flip in heavy snow. His next injury was a ruptured the disc in his lower back between his 4^th and 5^th vertebrae. There wasn’t much pain but it weakened his left quadriceps. He had already experienced nine concussions. You get the idea. He wasn’t giving up easily.

The final straw seemed to be a golf injury. He was driving the cart with his left leg hanging out the side. He was relaxed and not paying too much attention to driving. He caught his foot between the cart and a railway tie as he crossed a small wooden bridge. His ankle snapped requiring yet another surgery. After a lot of conversation we all decided that continuing to ski did not seem like a good idea. I was personally relieved. He was finishing school and had a great job lined up.

Competing again?

He decided to compete again. I was not supportive, but at age 29 it was clearly his decision. It was not only risky, it seemed as if he didn’t have much of a chance. To qualify for a US ski team spot and a World Cup spot he had to finish a combined first or second over two days at a national qualifying event. He lined up a sponsor and began training in September for the December competition. He traveled to Australia, Europe, and Canada, working extremely hard. The first week while in Canada the rope tow was not open. He climbed the hill over 150 times just to practice one jump.

Fear of failure

But another major problem had evolved in addition to his injuries. He had lost his consistency and every year would ski poorly under the pressure of the national qualifying competition. It became a head-trip and even the pattern of failure became predictable. His top jump was an impressive backflip with a full twist and he would ski a great top 2/3 of the run. On the bottom jump he would over-rotate, sit back just a little, and immediately be out of the competition. For three years in a row, it was the same mistake. It didn’t seem to matter how many times he practiced the jump or how well he did in the warm-up runs. He wasn’t laying down winning runs under pressure. He only had the first two runs of the season to finish in the top two and that was it.

It is always tricky when giving your children advice when they haven’t asked for it. Although Nick is mentioned throughout my book, Back in Control, he hasn’t quite gotten around to reading it. (Nor has my wife or daughter). I suggested that he engage with the expressive writing exercises, which is the foundation of the DOC project. It is the tool that begins to break up the cycle of racing thoughts. He politely listened without a response, but actually began to implement it. He had also done the Hoffman process a few years earlier and had continued to use some of the visualization and somatic tools.

Selections 2013

Every December the national qualifying event is called “Selections”. The top two finishers are guaranteed spots on the US ski team. This year it was held in Winter Park, CO. It is a two-day event held on Thursday and Saturday.

On the first day of competition he qualified 13^th out of a field of 75. As the top 16 skiers get a second run he made finals. There is no carry-over from the first run and he finished 6^th, which kept him in the hunt for a top-two finish.

On Saturday he qualified 11^th. It was an excellent accomplishment and was a great run. But anything less than a first or second on the final run was not going to cut it. He finally did it!! On the finals run he missed a first place finish by one hundredth of a point. He skied the run of his life under intense pressure.

They took the top six skiers for a “super finals” and he did it again – he finished second by the smallest of margins.

Making the US Ski Team – Not

For all of us that have watched him compete it is hard to describe how great it was to see him pull this off after years of so much focused effort. His overall standing for the two days was 3^rd. It wasn’t quite a guarantee but often a 3^rd spot opens up on the US ski team and he had clearly elevated his game. Then his dream came true.  A 3^rd spot opened up. But the coaches gave it to the 4th place finisher who he had soundly beaten.

Five years ago he would have been out of his mind for weeks. Making the US ski team had consumed him for over half of his life. And he was upset – for about two days. By the time he told me a week later he had let it go and had enjoyed a wonderful holiday with his girlfriend and friends. I flew over the next weekend to ski with him and he really had moved on. We had a great few days together. The elephant’s noose

I asked him how he had raised his level of skiing to almost winning the event. That is when he told me he had been doing a lot of the expressive writing and immediately destroying it. I was surprised and pleased that my son had actually listened to his father’s advice. He had increased the writing a lot during the competition week. A friend of mine asked him about the Hoffman process. Nick started thinking about the events and reminisced that he actually had used many of the Hoffman tools during the competition.

Before his final “almost-winning run” he was dealing with his fears of failing under pressure. In the starting gate he took his ski pole and wrote the word, “fail” in the snow and then used his skis to bash it. Hoffman graduates will recognize it as one of the basic tools of the process. He proceeded to ski the run of his life.

“The Winning Run”

From my perspective his “winning run” was letting go of being passed over for a US Ski team spot. He seemed to move past it far quicker than I did. Dealing with adversity is maybe the one most important traits that will allow you to live an enjoyable and productive life. I realized that my son had grown up.

The post Nick’s Winning Run – Off of the Hill first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Nick’s Winning Run – Off of the Hill appeared first on Back in Control.

My creative artist friend, Ernesto, endured a rough couple of years and for a while he “disappeared”. The details are not important. What is important is that he is back and thriving. This piece is a statement of his time in the “Abyss.”

I spend over eight years in darkness. There are many terrible aspects of the experience but one of the worst is that much of what you are experiencing cannot be seen. No one really believes you, although many try. Even more frustrating is that you cannot express the depth of your suffering with words. His sculpture instantly spoke to me and I love the name he gave her. She now occupies a space in my office.

There is not a day or minute that passes that I am not grateful to be able to be here and actually thrive. For years I did not think it was possible nor did I have any shred of hope. In the end experiencing this depth of suffering turned out to be a gift that has allowed me to guide many others out of their physical and emotional pain.

ILOHLA  (ee-LOH-lah) “to become strong” (Southern Africa)

In making this sculpture I wanted to represent the power of the human spirit. In spite of — or perhaps because of — the traumas of life: pain, emotional scarring, inner turmoil, suffering, we are all capable of inner growth. Seeing oneself not as a victim of external circumstance but as a survivor, allows one to view adverse personal experiences as a path to renewed inner strength and power.

In creating this piece, I asked myself “How can I express physical and tangible suffering, as well as the growth and strength a person may have gained from experiencing them?”  To accomplish this I used the body as a landscape. Similar to reading a road map, one only has to look in order to see the pain of the experience.

My goal is to create art that touches the heart and spirit of the viewer and is a vehicle for self-discovery and personal growth.  I hope you enjoy “ILOHLA.”

— Ernesto Sanchez, August 2013

The post To Become Strong – “ILOHLA” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post To Become Strong – “ILOHLA” appeared first on Back in Control.

Her second operation by me

I performed a successful disc excision and her leg pain quickly disappeared. I was relieved that she had not developed an infection from my operation. There is a higher risk of developing a post-operative infection if there has been a prior infection. She did well for about 3 months until she bent over to pick up a basket of laundry. Her disc re-ruptured at the same level and side. The size of this herniated disc was larger than the disc I had just taken out. There was not much choice except to take her back to surgery and remove it. During this period of time she was difficult. Her pain was challenging to control. She was understandably angry and demanding. I was in a perpetual battle with her over her needs for pain meds. Engaging in the DOC project was not of much interest to her. However, she did begin the exercise of writing down her thoughts and immediately throwing them away.

Ten days after her second operation, she came back to the office with extreme LBP, yelling at everyone at the top of her lungs. When I am dealing with a difficult patient, it is tricky to sort out who is really in pain and who is just trying to get more medications. However, my hunch was that there was something really wrong. Her disc operation had gotten infected and she developed a large abscess within the disc space and surgical site.

Her third and fourth surgeries by me

I had to perform surgery through her abdomen to clean out the infection from the front of her spine. A large bone graft was placed in the disc space to fuse it. A week later I went through her back to finish the fusion. She had now undergone six operations on her back within a span of two years. Her frustration kept climbing.

For weeks after her last operation, her anxiety was severe and the pain was uncontrollable. I had her labeled as “not having a chance of really getting better.”  Neither one of us was enjoying our interactions. Finally, after about six weeks, she began to calm down and I began to talk to her further about the DOC project. I still did not think she would engage in the tools and she had no access to a computer. But I never give up and she kept writing.

Not happy with me

On one of her follow up visits, I was about 30 minutes late. I was extremely busy and I didn’t think it was that much of a problem. When I walked into her exam room, she exploded at me, “I am really upset with you. I feel that when you are late that you are not respecting me.” She kept this up for a couple of minutes.

My historical response would have been to essentially walk out the room and ask her to come back when she was less upset. I just sat there for a minute and for a change I was able to listen. I saw her point. More importantly she had demonstrated a lot of courage to be clear with her surgeon. I looked at her and said, “This is a huge step. As I am the one in charge of getting you through a serious infection, speaking up was a courageous move. I am impressed.”

Her New Start

From that day on things changed. She began to write a lot more.  She read Feeling Good and started writing in the “three column” technique outlined by David Burns. Her mood began to improve. She re-established a relationship with her daughter and granddaughter. I continued to be impressed with the transformation of her personality and her pain levels kept dropping. I looked forward to seeing her back.

About four months ago, she plummeted while having some significant medical and relationship problems. She clearly saw the relationship between anger and increased pain but could not let things go. I was relentless and would not let her off the hook. She dove into Forgive for Good, which is the anchor book for Stage 2 about anger. Every visit was a struggle including figuring out her meds for her increased pain. About six weeks into it, she began to pull back out of her anger.

“I Am Not Letting Yesterday Ruin Today”

She came in one day beaming. She was active and off to see her granddaughter. She was in a new relationship that seemed promising. Her pain was minimal. I asked her, “What happened?” She replied that she figured out that whatever was in her past was over. There was absolutely nothing she could do to change it. She had made a decision, “I am not letting yesterday ruin today.”

It is one of the most concise descriptions I have heard regarding letting go and moving forward. I was inspired watching her regain control of her life.

The post “I Am Not Letting Yesterday Ruin Today” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “I Am Not Letting Yesterday Ruin Today” appeared first on Back in Control.