• The “C”quence of healing is connection, confidence, and creativity.
• You must first become aware of and connect with all aspects of your past in order to move forward.
• Confidence originates from being deeply connected to it.
• It is the antithesis of pursuing self-esteem where your efforts are spent trying to outrun your past.
• Ironically, as you allow yourself to be with your unpleasant aspects of your past, self-esteem will grow.

In our efforts to feel better about the intentionally unpleasant feelings generated by our flight or fight physiology, we pursue self-esteem. It is mismatch of the powerful unconscious brain and your conscious part of it. You can’t win and the harder you try, the deeper you’ll sink into despair. It is also a universal problem. The opposite energy emanates from being with every aspect of your past instead of trying to outrun or mask it.

Going Deep

Consider a tree as a metaphor for your life. The soil represents your entire past and is the source for learning and future growth. There is one major root in any tree that is called the taproot. It grows straight down in search of water and nutrients. The trees with deepest ones are found in harsh dry environments. A tree may initially show little growth for a few years until the taproot is more mature. Roots grow relentlessly and will even grow through rock. The more developed and complex the root system, the better the chances for survival and growth.

All humans have some level of trauma. Our needs are not always immediately met even in the best of circumstance and adversity never stops coming at us. Many people have suffered severe, even extreme childhood trauma and there is plenty more to be had in adulthood. We don’t feel good about it and might feel ashamed of it. So, a lot of time and energy is spent on analyzing, fixing, covering up, whitewashing, or suppressing the past. Why wouldn’t we? Somehow, we feel that by spending a lot of time dealing with past, we’ll have a better life. The problem is that your attention is focused on the problems and not the solutions. It is where your brain will develop. It also requires a lot of energy that could be used in dealing with the present and thriving.

 Awareness – “C’ing”

The first step in problem solving is seeing ALL aspects of a given problem AND then having choices how to respond. To be creative, the “C/see” needs to be first. All of us know that certain phrases, behaviors, situations, people, etc. will elicit a fairly predictable and rapid reaction. You are reacting before you have even absorbed or comprehended the full scope of the problem. Consequently, you may make a flawed decision. Unfortunately, these learned reactions strengthen with age and repetition. The phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is an accurate phrase. It is not that the dog cannot be taught. Embedded reactive patterns of thinking must be broken up first.

Unawareness

The first step in cultivating deeper awareness is recognizing when you are unaware. Awareness is the opposite of projecting your perception of the world onto others and situations.

Clues include feeling anxious or angry, being critical or judgmental, holding onto rigid belief systems in any domain, gossiping, complaining, “being right”, not fully listening to other’s opinions, intolerance, labeling others, and creating an identity based on ideals. All of us engage in some of these actions every day. It is inherent in being human and having language. Suppressing these traits is even worse, in that you’ll have no hope for change if you don’t know where you are starting from. The key is nurturing awareness of these actions, observing them, and then deciding what to do next.

Without knowing you are unaware, you’ll continue to reinforce your current life outlook (self-image/esteem) with “input” that supports it. What is more problematic is that if you receive conflicting data, you’ll reject it. This is an even more powerful force in strengthening your outlook and “life filter.” How can you really learn and change? Continually projecting your views eventually becomes tedious and you’ll become more “set in your ways.” It is the way your brain works. The marketing world calls this phenomenon, “reactance”, and they use it to their advantage.¹

What are you connecting to?

The basic awareness that must be cultivated is understanding what are you connecting to? By default, you are connected to your past programming. Much of it is unpleasant and  you may be reinforcing the same trajectory deeper into the abyss. Or you may be trying to outrun it by pursuing pleasure. But since you cannot outrun your subconscious mind, it can’t and doesn’t work. A common approach is to achieve, acquire, and accomplish and create a life that appears wonderful to others but is not based on solid ground. The same adrenalized  energy that takes you up the mountain of “success” may cause you to fall down the other side. For example, consider the problem of “imposter syndrome.”

The connection that is necessary for growth is allowing yourself to feel regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. “You have to feel to heal,” has been said in almost every domain of mental health. Being OK with uncomfortable emotions is at the core of healing. This has been around well before modern neuroscience. As you resist unpleasant thoughts and emotions, you are inadvertently placing more attention to them, and they will flourish. That is not what you want.

Are you connecting to you or your ideals? It is common to pursue better self-esteem, which consists of the “stories” in our minds that we create in order to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, most of these arise from who everyone else thinks we should be and by the time we are old enough to make our own way, our life lens is embedded in our nervous system. Many of these stories are cognitive distortions and have little to do with the reality right in front of us. As they become more repetitive thought patterns, they occupy a lot of our consciousness and push out our capacity for enjoyment.

There are many ways to train yourself to tolerate difficult and intrusive thoughts and emotions. Learning these skills to process stress is much different than trying to avoid it, suppress it, or remaining a victim.

“Neuroshment”

Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something in the past that you perceived as dangerous or was dangerous. It can be a mental or physical threat. Digging in and being with your past is the opposite of seeking self-esteem.

The “soil” of your past is the source of “neuroshment” (2) for future growth. The ongoing question is, “what can I learn?” Be with the past, increase your awareness of your history, reactions, and be present with it all. Watch your self-esteem flourish.

References

1. Berger, Jonah. The Catalyst. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2020.
2. Word invented and conceptualised by Rita Salvador who broke free after suffering for over 50 years.

Recap

Confidence emerges from being solidly anchored in every aspect of your past. Much of it is uncomfortable, but it is what is there. Suppressing or running from your past can’t work and consumes a tremendous amount of life energy. You also cannot make good decisions without knowing where you are starting from. You may require professional help to assimilate your past. Also understand that the “stories” you create can anchor you in it. Immerse yourself and use tools to break free. BTW, if you can connect and be with the “bottom” there is nowhere to go but up.

Questions and considerations

1. Your ego consists of the “stories” you create to present a confident front to the world. Why wouldn’t you? Being vulnerable is often punished.
2. Consider that when you are upset, it is often about defending your ego.
3. Are you able to tolerate unpleasant feelings? Do you avoid them?
4. Emotional pain shares similar brain circuits as physical pain. Why would you want to hurt? But where is the escape from these thoughts?
5. First learn to be with the pain and learn the strategies to move forward.

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A representative definition of “Authentic Self”

This is a piece from “A to Zen” from the Internet that represents a common line of thinking about the term, “authentic self.”¹ The problem is that in the human experience, our powerful behavioral patterns win out and these enviable traits are buried. Then it becomes even more frustrating when we can’t live up to our “standards.” The cycle continues in that we may actually engage in destructive behaviors even though we know better.

In general, when talking about someone who is authentic, we mean that they are genuine, honest, and real.

An authentic person is someone who is comfortable in their skin and doesn’t feel the need to put on a front to fit in and be accepted by others. They know who they are, and they don’t hide it.

They understand their purpose and follow their life’s passion. They don’t chase after money, status, and possessions and are not immorally competitive, for they are not fearful of anyone.

However, this doesn’t mean they don’t live a wealthy life and enjoy nice things, but they define and strive for success to their own standard. 

7 SIGNS YOU ARE AN AUTHENTIC PERSON

1. YOU ARE ACCEPTING OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS

2. YOU HAVE A HEALTHY EGO

3. YOU HAVE A REALISTIC PERCEPTION OF REALITY

4. YOU ACCEPT MISTAKES (AND LEARN FROM THEM)

5. YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY MATURE 

6. YOU ARE CONSIDERATE TOWARDS OTHERS

7. YOU DON’T FEEL THREATENED BY OTHERS

What if you don’t have these traits? The problem is that few of us consistently exhibit many of these admirable qualities. Where would you have learned them if you were raised in a chaotic environment? Even if we possess some of them, how often do they get sabotaged, and how many of us have all of them. If the authentic self becomes an “internal standard” of being, then our self-critical voices will chime in to remind us how often we don’t (can’t) live up to these ideals, we are less accepting of ourselves, more frustrated, inflamed, and will experience more mental and physical pain.

Your ”authentic self”

Your authentic self is right here in front of you. It is the summation of your life programming from your parents, siblings, peers, teachers, employers, societal norms, and the marketing world. In other words, you are the product of who everyone else has told you to be. These messages are internalized and become your own inner voice telling you how you should be. The outcome is a lot of noise in your brain of self-judgement and that of others. We call it “self-esteem.” It is a mismatch of your powerful unconscious brain versus your conscious one. It is endless and wears you down.

David Eagleman in his brilliant book, Livewired, points out that humans are uniquely dependent on their parents for physical survival compared to most mammals. A baby is completely helpless and cannot survive on its own for many years.²

The emotional brain is even more complex in that we have language with an infinite number of possibilities. We are programmed by every moment of our lives, which means none of us are the same. Humans give meaning to everything, and no two people can look at a physical object in the same way. Thoughts and concepts are much more complex, and we are downloaded first with concrete concepts, then abstract ideas, and we don’t develop deep philosophical thinking for many years.

We are completely at the mercy of our environment as to what is inputted into our brains. What becomes more problematic is that thoughts and ideals are perceived as real to a given person as a car or table.³ They become our version of reality or life filter. Once this life lens is set, it becomes reinforced over a lifetime – unless you choose to become aware of it and change it.

Who are you?

So, we are who the world has told us we should be. We have programmed behavioral patterns that are the foundation of our existence. Most of them result from the basic need to survive. Few of us are taught how to nurture joy. Who are we?

You are who you are today. You can see yourself by becoming aware of what you react to, what makes you anxious and angry, what are your behaviors and attitudes towards yourself and others, how much personal responsibility you take for your actions, and what level of compassion and empathy you FEEL for others.

For example, most of us know that compassion is a good idea. But what happens when you are upset. You may say or do things that you are not proud of, and compassion goes right out the window. It is because compassion is a conscious construct and anger automatically arises from your unconscious brain. It is a million to one mismatch. It is that reaction in the moment is who you are because something in the present connected you to something threatening (or perceived as such) in the past. You are there and not here. It is also who you are.

“Love Your Enemies”

Anthony DeMello in his book, The Way to Love, has a chapter called, “Love Your Enemies.” He points out that if someone angers you, you should thank them. The problem is not them, but in you. Their words or actions triggered a response in you that allows you to have more awareness of what is inside of you.⁴ It is challenging in that it still feels like the other person causing the problem, but it is you that is being triggered. The exception, of course, is physical or emotional abuse. Anger is a necessary protective reaction.

Your real “Authentic Self”

This all sounds a bit hopeless but there is a lot of hope once you realize the depth of your programming and how it is playing out today. The key word is, “awareness.” Once you are aware of how your past is continually playing out in the present, you can direct where you want your brain to develop going forward. It continues to change every second and the term is called, “neuroplasticity.” The sequence is 1) awareness 2) separation 3) reprogramming. Without awareness, you’ll continue to be mired in the past.

As you learn to take full responsibility for every one of your actions without judgement, you can create any reality you want by consistently making better choices, and the above-mentioned traits can be nurtured daily.

This new evolving person is still your authentic self. You just don’t have to keep searching for it.

References

1. By Marissa on” A to Zen Life,” June 11, 2022. https://atozenlife.com/authentic-person/
2. Eagleman, David. Livewired. Cannongate Books, Edinburgh, UK, 2020.
3. Feldman Barret, Lisa. How Emotions are Made. Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt, New York, NY, 2018.
4. DeMello, Anthony. The Way to Love. Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group. New York, NY, 1995.

The post Your “Authentic Self” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Your “Authentic Self” appeared first on Back in Control.

• Your brain is incredibly neuroplastic and can change quickly in whatever direction you choose.
• We automatically know how to feel pain. What about feeling pleasure? It gets buried in the stresses of life.
• Play and social connection are inherent in all of us and using feel and visualization to connect with it will create a rapid shift.
• Enjoying life in so many dimensions is a unique human trait, and we can thrive if it is nurtured.

When you are experiencing relentless pain, life becomes heavy. You are just trying to keep your head above water from dealing with stress. Your life devolves into surviving in addition to carrying a pain burden. You may have forgotten what it’s like to live your life with deep joy and excitement. We have suggested that creating a positive vision for your life and pursuing it  shifts your brain onto more pleasant circuits. Another dimension of process is connecting to feelings of freedom and pleasure from your past. It may initially take some effort to find them, but they are there. I would suggest an ongoing process that I have personally found helpful.

Connecting

Find a quiet time and place where you can just think and possibly go into a meditative state. Think back to an event in your life when you felt carefree and joyous. It could any number of situations at any point in time. Visually take yourself back there, remembering as many details as you can. Possibilities include:

• Dreams/ goals
• The weather/ temperature
• The conversations
• Attitudes
• Friends/ who you were with
• The activities
• Specific feelings and emotions
• What music, movies, sports, and art did you enjoy during this period?
• Are there songs and artists that you were particularly connected to?

Face and connect with your current reality

Spend as much time as you can with this exercise and repeat it often. Once you have really internalized some of these joyous experiences then sit down and fully experience your present life – pain and all. What happened to your sense of play and excitement?

• Compare it visually and emotionally to one of the times mentioned above.
• Note the gap.
• Make a commitment to get joy back and hold onto it. It requires repetition to change your brain.
• When you fall back into The Abyss (it happens frequently), again note the difference compared to your great moments.
• Don’t worry about making a “plan.” This is an exercise of feeling and waking up parts of your nervous system that have been dormant.

Pain or pleasure?

Believe it or not, you have a choice. You remember that one of the cardinal rules of healing is not sharing your mental or physical pain with others, especially with your family. It is completely understandable why you would want to, but where is your brain developing? I just talked to a gentleman who stated that over 90% of his waking hours are spent in either complaining about his pain and medical care or searching for a solution. Almost everyone in chronic pain does this, including me – for 15 years. I definitely had forgotten what feeling good felt like.

This exercise represents the opposite experience. As you connect with the best part of your brain, your body chemistry is dramatically altered into a safety profile where your body can rest, regenerate, and heal. We also know that optimism and a positive attitude directly lower inflammation in your body, and therefore the pain.¹This is not a light psychological game. It is a powerful way to alter your body’s chemistry.

A movie?

Watching a movie connected with a past pleasurable experience is also effective in waking up your brain. It is slightly different than just watching a funny movie to distract yourself. One movie that caught me off guard many years ago was “Happy Gilmore.” I had just flown in from Seattle to Sun Valley and I was exhausted. I was laying on the floor next to my son, who was about 15 at the time. Somehow, it seemed like one of the most entertaining movies I had ever seen. I don’t recall ever laughing so hard for so long. It connected me to a moment in time that I won’t forget. I have watched it at least 20 more times over the years, and it still lightens my mood. For each person, it will be a unique movie, song, or event.

Interestingly, for those of you who have seen it, there is a section where Adam Sandler goes to his “happy place” when he is stressed. The movie is simply silly, but this part happens to be right on with regards to using visualization to pull yourself out of a hole.

Visualization

It is well-known that performers do repeated visualizations before individual events, whether it is in music, sports, performing arts, or even surgery. Circuits are being burned into your brain that allow you to perform without overthinking. How else could an ice skater, concert pianist, or mogul skier perform such feats so quickly. In a book that I have recommended to my patients for years, The Talent Code,² the author points out that some teams have their tennis players swing a racket without a ball for three months. Why not apply these same tools to making pleasure your default mode?

Stories from the Mountains: Connecting to the Intelligence of the Heart 

Recap

The goal of this exercise to wake up dormant parts of your brain. Play and pleasure become buried by pain and survival. It is different than creating a vision or a business plan. You are reconnecting to the powerful emotional part of your brain. You can nurture it and watch it “wake up.” Feeling these sensations and experiencing these memories is key. Remember, reconnect, and “wake the fun up.”

Questions and considerations

1. Consider how the quality of your life has been taken away by being in chronic pain. No one warned you about this possibility when you were in high school.
2. Take a moment to remember a time when you were excited about the future and what you might experience and accomplish.
3. This exercise is a process to refuel feelings of enjoyment that have been buried, but not gone. Remember, pain circuits are permanent, but so are pleasurable ones.
4. As you nurture the more enjoyable aspects of your brain, you’ll use the pain areas less and they will atrophy. By trying to “fix” your pain, you’ll reinforce them.
5. Healing occurs as you become proficient at processing stress/ pain, but you also have to move into the part of your brain that involves play.
6. Anxiety is a threat physiological state of flight or fight, and play is a safety physiological state of rest and regenerate. Where would you like to spend your time?

References

1. Dantzer R, et al. Resilience and immunity. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity (2018); 74:28-42. doi.org/10.1016.j.bbi.2018.08.010
2. Coyle Dan. The Talent Code. Random House, New York, NY, 2009.

The post Feel the Life You Want  first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Feel the Life You Want  appeared first on Back in Control.

• It is easy to become focused on problems to the point where you forget what you really want out of life.
• Most of us complain about problems – our own, other’s, society’s,, and the those of the world.
• But what do you want? What is the vision of your life? How do you want to achieve it? What is your time frame?
• Or are you so used to complaining, that you have lost sight of all of this?
• Unfortunately, this mind set fires up your immune system, sensitizes your nervous system, and physically increases your mental and physical pain.

One of the most important aspects of healing is our life outlook. Realistic and positive goal-setting is a core aspect of stimulating constructive neuroplasticity. Your brain will develop wherever you place your attention. It is up to you to decide what you want your life to look like, what you want in it, and then pursue those dreams. Otherwise, you are still focused on the problem, not the solution.

I asked each patient exactly why they were seeing me and what they wanted. Of course, the answer was usually, “I want to get rid of my pain.” It is an understandable request, but it doesn’t work. One of the paradoxes of healing is that you can’t fix yourself. The solution lies in moving away from neurological pain circuits and into the life you desire.

It is critical to connect with your personal life vision, regardless of the level of your pain and suffering. How else will you be able to move forward?

“It’s always something”

There are always significant obstacles to achieving what you would like. When you are young, it is lack of knowledge and resources. Then you are deeply enmeshed in your education and training. You may have started a new family. Finances frequently require “giving up your dreams” in order to just make ends meet. Life keeps coming at us and our hopes become ever more buried. The added burden of physical and mental pain further compounds the suffering.

If you think about the big picture, we all have a lot of dreams, but we seldom execute to attain even a fraction of them. What happened?

It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old.                                        

They grow old because they stop pursuing their dreams.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I agree with this quote except I have a different take on it. People grow old because their dreams are crushed by anxiety.

A vision?

We are so programmed to survive that we don’t understand the importance of creating a vision and then following through on it. And where would most of us have learned this skill? It would have been helpful to have been taught this early in our educational experience. Since we are not able to effectively process our stresses, we are trapped, anxious, and angry. It might even seem normal – except that we eventually may get crushed by it all. Positive thinking won’t break you out of this powerful cycle.

It is important to first free yourself from anxiety by developing a “working relationship” with it. It is necessary for survival and a gift. It is learned set of skills. Then you can move forward, and your creativity can emerge. But this is still not enough. What is your vision? What brings you joy? What do you really want out of your life?

Assume that your life is a “business” and that there are certain short and long-term goals you would like to achieve.  As with any business start-up, the chances of success are low without a written plan – the more detailed the better.  Outside input and discussions with involved parties adds important dimensions. Creating a personal business plan is a step that will help you achieve your goals.

Some starting questions

Where am I now?

Where do I want to go?

How am I going to get there?

Dare yourself to dream again and be realistic about what is possible. Then do it.

Where am I now?

Don’t pull any punches with this one. If you are engaged with this course, chances are that your quality of life has been crushed. Get every aspect of your misery out on paper, then organize it into categories, and don’t tear this up. Then redo it and get more focused. You have to understand the magnitude of the problem as well as the specifics before you can solve it. Also remember that the healing journey is rooted in connecting to you and your body’s capacity to heal. What is inside of you, being trapped in pain, is a lot of negativity. You must connect with it and stay connected with it. Hope comes from learning to tools to navigate out of this mess and not from positive thinking. Embracing your skepticism is the starting point.

People often respond with the idea that they can’t move forward because they are in pain. That is true, and why the early part of the healing journey is focused on ways to break loose to move forward with or without the pain. You cannot “fix” your pain. The solution lies in moving away from it and into more functional and pleasurable neurological circuits.

Break your misery into its components. There is the mental and physical pain. What are activities that you can no longer do? How is the medical system not meeting your needs? What is the effect of your pain on your relationships and work? How much are you enjoying sitting around the house and being at the mercy of disability system? Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

Where do I want to go?

This step is more difficult than the first one. You may be so consumed by your pain, that all possibilities seem to be gone. But go big! This is just an exercise that you’ll eventually bring to life. It isn’t possible to jump from chronic pain to the life that you want. But on the other hand, there is no chance of attaining the life you desire without having an idea what that looks like.

Take pain out of the picture. Getting rid of your pain cannot be one of the goals. Life is unpredictable. Pain comes at you in many unpredictable ways. You’ll develop skills to process adversity more effectively, but it will always be a part of your life. If you choose to remain upset by life’s challenges, your body will remain inflamed, and you’ll continue to suffer. Look at obstacles as opportunities to practice your skills and move forward. This is not positive thinking; it is a positive vision.

Be specific and apply your vision to all aspects of your life.

How am I going to get there?

No vision will be accomplished without a plan. Again, look at the various parts of your life and what would you like to achieve in each arena regardless of the pain? Every plan needs to be executed and there are always obstacles. Part of the “how” is surmounting them.

You now have to pull mental and physical pain back into the picture as one of the obstacles. It is there, your life is being adversely affected, and what steps are you going to take to break free from it? Each person is unique and will find their own way. Even though you must move forward in spite of your pain, maximizing your treatment is a necessary part of your plan.

This is the place where you look at pain and decide on your relationship to it? If you choose to remain a victim of it (and you are), you are stuck. If it just another obstacle to be dealt with, you are on a strong healing path.

Recap

As you stimulate your brain to change (neuroplasticity), you can direct your brain to create and move into enjoyable circuits. Similar to learning a new language, this just doesn’t happen by continually trying to fix your problems. You have to practice living a more enjoyable life in order to have a more enjoyable life.

We all know how to complain. Who doesn’t? Unfortunately, the biggest obstacle to healing is that many people do not want to give up the power of pain, in spite of their misery. It took me many years to see this, and it is sad.

What do you actually want? Do you want to hold on or move forward? You can’t do both. Once you attain clarity and create a plan, you have a high chance of achieving it and thriving. A suggested template to create your personal business plan is part of this leg of The DOC Journey.

Questions and considerations

1. Have you considered that you have been suffering for so long that it seems normal to you? This is especially true if you were raised in an abusive home situation.
2. Surviving and fixing is our default mode. It is instinctual and powerful. Why would we even consider other options?
3. Anxiety and anger are powerful and dealing with these emotions dictates much of our behavior. It is why you must simultaneously learn tools to process and neutralize them in order to move into your vision.
4. We all know what we don’t like and have no trouble sharing our complaints. But what do you want?

The post Connect with the Life You Want first appeared on Back in Control.

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