• Forgiveness – is a selfish act that entails refusal to allow others, the past or circumstances to affect your day.
• Being aware of nature of the chemical reaction to a threat and that stress is not as much of a problem, as your response to it that drains you of your life energy.
• Understand you have a choice of whether to remain in the situation that is creating the stress. In other words, are you choosing to remain in a perceived or real victim mode. Let me explain using traffic as an illustration.
• “Kill your ego.” This was advice given by David Burns, author of Feeling Good, at one of his workshops. This a large topic but do become aware of how much energy you spend defending the image of you that you have created. It is one of the reasons I feel that self-esteem is such a deadly concept.

Traffic

Why would you get upset when someone cuts you off in traffic or suddenly pulls out in front of you? There was no physical harm. Your heart and respiratory rate may have increased. What drains you of your energy is getting upset at the person who cut you off. Maybe you have a story in your head about “idiot drivers” that is reinforced every time you get behind the wheel. Consequently, your body is full of adrenaline and you are physically burning energy that is completely wasted.

“The unenforceable rules”

Dr. Luskin, author of Forgive for Good, has a term for this phenomenon. He calls it “the unenforceable rules. You might wish that people would not cut you off or pull out in front of you, which is fine. However, when that wish turns into a demand in your head that, “I should not be exposed to this kind of bad behavior”, you now have a problem that is not solvable. Your driving experience is going to consistently be stressful when it could be a time to relax and enjoy the trip. You might ask, “What are my choices?’

Your choices

First of all, if you you are going to assume the responsibility of driving that means you are going to have to deal with drivers who may not feel the same way. Texting, drinking, drugs, etc. are all potential issues or maybe the driver who upset you just lost her job. Taking the position that all drivers should perform well is not reality. So you have a choice to accept the fact that essentially every time you get in the car there is going to be multiple situations are less than ideal. Then you can relax, stay alert, deal with them and enjoy your trip.

Your second choice is to avoid driving. That is an option. You may not like it. But it would solve your problem. The only choice that does not make any sense is to continue to be upset every time you drive.

Mayor Moran

I ran across these pictures a few months ago that help illustrate my point.

When your body is consistently full of stress hormones you have a much higher chance of becoming ill. This has been documented in hundreds of studies with a classic one being published in 1964. (1)

Who knows how long he would have lived if he had remained in his business and political world but his story does illustrate a dramatic turnaround. He chose to decrease his stress. My observation is that he also took charge of his life and made a decision to improve his odds of staying alive.

My choice

I made the opposite decision in 1990 when I began my slide into a severe burnout and depression. I instinctively knew that I could not run from this and that changing to a less stressful career was not gong to be the answer for me. Maybe I was right and maybe not. I dove in and fully committed to finding the answers to my unexplained onset of anxiety through every possible means. But I almost did not survive the ordeal.

I was lucky and have been able to share what I learned from suffering from chronic pain for over 15 years. I did learn that I was the problem and that I had a choice of how to react to my environment. I have steadily improved this skill although I wish I was much better at it. I have much more stress on my plate now than when I buckled in 1990. I also have much more energy as I am not remaining unhappy about situations I cannot affect or change.

Perhaps a combined approach of cutting back a least a little while learning these tools would have been better decision. I don’t get a re-do. So here I am, incredibly grateful that I did make it and can share my story. Patients often tell me that I just don’t understand the pain that they are in. Fifteen years is a long time to be in pain and seven of those were living on a razor blade. I do understand that he or she might be suffering as much as I did; but not more. I have been given a second shot at life and have taken control of creating it. You have that same choice.

The way to take back your life is to assume responsibility for every aspect of it. If you find yourself blaming others for ANY of your problems, wake up.

1. Rahe RH, et al. “Social stress and illness onset.” Jrn Psychosomatic Res. (1964); 8: 35.

The post Take Back Your Life first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Take Back Your Life appeared first on Back in Control.

Florence is an insane place to drive with people and motorcycles darting in front of your car every few seconds. It is part of the experience. From the moment we left the station he began to curse at everyone in his way. “They should be using the tunnel under the street. Get out of my way. Don’t you know cars to have use the road?” He did not stop his tirade until we reached our piazza. He clearly was more than burned out and had no interest in any conversation. The stress in his car was palpable.

I don’t know him or anything about his life. What I do know is that being chronically angry is a strong factor in creating burnout and depression. How could it not?

Physician Burnout

The burnout rate in every state survey shows that 50 – 55% of physicians are burned out. My spine fellow recently put an article on my desk showing that 65% of neurosurgeons are burned out. It’s both disturbing and predictable. There is a tremendous amount of stress in medicine and we are not trained how to process it. Additionally, the medical culture often engages in behavior similar to the cab driver in that we frequently become upset about things that we have no control over.

Dr. Fred Luskin, in his book, Forgive for Good, describes this phenomenon as the “unenforceable rules.” When you’re frustrated about any situation or relationship that you have no control over you are wasting your time and destroying your quality of life. An example might be that you wish your spouse would watch less TV or treat you better. It is fine to wish it but when that wish becomes a demand in your mind it has now become an “unenforceable rule”. If you write down a list of upsetting situations or people, you might be surprised at how long it is and how unsolvable they – at least by you.

The Emergency Room

One classic example in the medical field is in the emergency room. I worked in the ER throughout my residency when I had a few gaps in my schedule. The vast majority of ER visits are not emergencies. Examples include sore throats, back pain, neck pain, a low-grade fever, stomachache, etc. All of which could wait to the next day to be seen in a doctor’s office. These patients frequently show up around two to three o’clock in the morning. It is about time when the on-call physician is trying to grab some sleep. Many ER doctors become upset about a patient showing up with a minor problem at that hour. It’s understandable and frustrating. However, he or she might  tee off on the patient, letting them know that they shouldn’t be coming to the ER with a non-emergent situation especially in the middle of the night.

First of all, the on-duty physician is expected to work a full shift and be available the whole time. Second, is educating that one patient going to stop the other thousands of those who will be following? Why spend one second being upset about a runny nose at two o’ clock in the morning? Why not just take care of it and move on? Talk about an unenforceable rule. It is fine to wish that patients were more aware of what constituted an emergency but when you become upset that all of them don’t, then you have turned this wish into a demand. Indeed the burnout rate in ER physicians is as high as any medical specialty.

What are your unenforceable rules?

What are some of your unenforceable rules? “My claims examiner is not responding to my needs. I wish my spouse would lose some weight. I hate bicyclists in my way to work. My boss isn’t that nice to me. I want to be free of pain now. My son needs to be more serious about school. I just want my life back.” Take a few minutes to write them down. It will be long list in that there are many things wrong with this world and life is imperfect for everyone.

With age and repetition, many of these legitimate wishes will turn into “demands”. Unfortunately, becoming upset about them not only drains you, but worsens the problem. For example, people suffering from chronic pain commonly become socially isolated. One reason is that anger is not attractive, which pushes others away. One wish, of course, is to have more friends and become frustrated when they don’t seem to want to spend as much time with you. There is also a tendency to complain others about your pain and situation, which becomes old quickly. Are you sabotaging your wish?

Remaining upset about situations you have no control over will drive you into the ground and bury you. The first step is to become aware of your own unenforceable rules and how they play out in your life. Develop your own tools to process these “wishes” and truly move on.

Listen to the Back in Control Radio podcast The Unenforceable Rules

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The post “The Unenforceable Rules” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “The Unenforceable Rules” appeared first on Back in Control.