What would be the outcome of a scenario where a stranger or acquaintance walked up to you and began to call you names and shove you. Maybe they even hit you? What would you do? You would call the authorities and the perpetrator would be charged with assault. If it was a first offense, there might be a light penalty and stern warning. However, if it was repeated, he or she would incur a much stronger penalty–maybe even prison.

This behavior is unacceptable at every level in the adult world, although there seems to be an increasingly common trend called “mobbing.” In this situation, co-workers or colleagues with gang up against a fellow worker and harass them.

Why is any level of this behavior tolerated in childhood? Any of it? I don’t have to give examples because every one of us has either witnessed bullying, been a part of it, or been a target. What is remarkable, is that the attacks are often emotionally intense and can involve physical contact. Usually, it is repetitive and can last for years. Make no mistake, the scars are permanent and there is a medical case that bullying should be treated as criminal assault right from the beginning, regardless of what age it begins. This does not necessarily mean severe consequences at the beginning but a clear pathway of consequences needs to be laid out.

Early on, it is the parent’s responsibility. Where are the kids learning this behavior? Who are they imitating? Are they being bullied at home? Remember, the basic role of a parent is to provide a safe, nurturing, and secure environment where everyone can thrive.

The consequences of being bullied

The core issue driving chronic disease, whether it is mental or physical is the body’s survival response to chronic threat. The solution lies in creating safety. Some of the consequences of remaining in a survival state are elevations of:

• Inflammatory cytokines (signaling proteins) that drive inflammation,
• Adrenaline and noradrenaline that increase heart rate, muscle tension, rate of breathing, and sweating.
• Histamines that fire up the immune response
• Cortisol, which drives a heightened metabolic state that destroys tissue in an effort to maintain a fuel supply for fight or flight.

The data

A 2014 paper out of Britain obtained 50–year follow up data on 7,771 participants whose parents reported bullying exposure between ages 7 and 11. Here is a partial list of the consequences and they were more severe if the bullying was frequent vs. occasional. (1)

One of the stark facts is that 28% of children had been exposed to occasional bullying and 15% had been frequently bullying. That is high percent. Life isn’t fair and the kids who were bullied were more likely to suffer from the following problems.

• Parents in manual occupations
• Low parental involvement
• Placed in foster care
• An ACE score of two or more (Adverse Childhood Experiences) indicating various forms of abuse
• They had lower IQ scores
• Difficulty in processing stress – either internalized or externalized it

Consequences

• Increased anxiety, depression, suicidality
• Poorer self-rated general health
• Lower cognitive functioning
• Alcohol dependence
• Lower educational level by midlife
• Higher unemployment rate
• Being single or without a partner
• Less social
• Poor social support
• Lower quality of life
• Lower satisfaction with life

Another paper by the same author looking at the same group of people who had been bullied showed that women who had been bullied showed elevated inflammatory markers and a higher chance of obesity, which leads to a host of other medical problems. It is becoming increasingly clear that persistently elevated inflammatory markers is associated with almost every chronic disease state­–both mental and physical. (2)

Over 40% of the population was exposed to some level of being bullied in this study and there are numerous other studies documenting the often devastating mental, physical, and social consequences. Why do so many people bully others? I could never figure out why someone would treat another person in a way that they would not like to be treated themselves. There are several reasons with the wounded chicken in the coop being one example. Animals of all species instinctively weed out the weaker members of the group.

Not thinking clearly

But humans have consciousness and have the capacity to override that impulse. But another problem is that when you are angry, the blood supply shifts away from the thinking centers of the brain and you cannot think clearly. You revert to non-human animal behavior and it is destructive. Anger is only about self-preservation and is temporary insanity.

The rewards of power

There is also a physiological reward for being bullied. One study showed that children who had been bullied had higher levels of  inflammation as measure by a blood test called C reactive protein (CRP) than children who had not been bullied. (3) As noted above, these levels can be sustained well into adulthood. What is more disturbing is that the bullies had significantly lower levels of CRP than students who were left alone. My assessment of this situation is the answer for anxiety is control, so as to take evasive action to survive. Anxiety is an inflammatory process. So, the more power you possess, the more control you have. What we call “socialization” in school is an early and ongoing power struggle. It is not subtle how this behavior carries into adulthood.

Kids will be kids

This is deadly phrase. It covers up a multitude of wrongs that have lasting consequences. Multiple studies have documented the issues. Many efforts have been made to clamp down on bullying but we all know how pervasive it is.

I am not going to list all the possible solutions and certainly many efforts had a lot of success. But they don’t go deep enough and don’t have the necessary reach. Why?

Parents hate bullying. They feel helpless. Teachers hate it. They can only do so much and unfortunately bullies love it when people try to stop them. They now have a lot of attention and control. Just policies and light penalties are no match for them.

It is a crime

I am not a fan of our criminal justice system. Teaching life skills to those in prison is critical and it is not widely being done. So, these comments are made with this in mind – rehab first. However, in addition to the “zero-tolerance” approach that has been attempted for over a decade, bullying is a crime and should be treated as such. It is the logical starting point.

References

The post Bullying is Assault and Should be treated as Such first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Bullying is Assault and Should be treated as Such appeared first on Back in Control.

Larry’s Note

“It was only when I lay there on rotting prison concrete that I sensed within myself the first strings of good. Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes and not between political parties either – but right through every human heart and through all human hearts . . . . . . .   Mike (the counselor) helped me nourish my soul there and I say without hesitation, “Bless you prison and Mike for having been in my life. I see the stars through the bars.”

Stanford Prison Experiment

I think all have us have wondered what we would do if we were in a situation where you were placed in a position of absolute power over other people. This TED talk by Phil Zimbardo reveals a chilling answer. It has been demonstrated in several experiments that circumstances dictate behavior more than who you are. He conducted a now famous Stanford Prison Experiment in 1972. He arbitrarily divided a group of young men into “prisoners” and “guards”. These were normal people as volunteers with mental health issues were screened out. The experiment began with the City Police “arresting” the “prisoners” and processing them into jail. The behavior of the “guards” rapidly became quite abusive. It deteriorated to the point where they halted the two-week experiment after only five days. Several of the volunteers had mental breakdowns.

Milgram experiment

He cites another famous social experiment performed by Stanley Milgram in 1963. Volunteers, who were the” teachers”, were asked to administer an electric shock to a “learner” who was administered an electric shock every time he or she missed a simple question. The study was presented as measuring the effectiveness of negative reinforcement on improving learning. It was really intended to find out how much “punishment” the volunteer teacher was willing to administer to the learner.

The “learner” was a researcher who simulated the verbal reaction of progressive “electric shocks”, which the he was not really receiving. However the volunteer “teacher” did think that he or she was actually administering the “punishment”. There was a scientist encouraging the “teacher” to keep pushing the button in spite of the loud screams of the “learner”. The original thoughts were that only a small percent of the volunteers would continue to push the buttons, but it turned out that 65% of them continued up into the “lethal range”. Nobody liked the outcome of this experiment since it was felt that only zealots and sociopaths would be the ones to act in this manner. It turns out that this potential behavior exists in all of us. The situational variables can be the more powerful influence on our behavior. It also turns out that power without accountability is a major factor.

One of Dr. Zimbardo’s quotes is, “The line between good and evil is permeable and almost anyone can be induced to cross it when pressured by situational forces.”

Dr. Zimbardo’s TED talk, The Psychology of Evil

Your family

In a family situation there is little accountability for bad behavior. What is even more problematic that anger, which is universal in chronic pain, clouds your awareness of the impact of anger on those close to you. Many if not most people that are angry are not even aware that there is a problem. The essence of abuse is lack of awareness. Anger is the antithesis of awareness and is abusive. It is present in every human being and you have to first be aware of it before you can address it. Unfortunately, those who are the most vulnerable suffer the most from since they are easy targets. Pain=Anger=Abuse

I often ask my patients to ask his or her family members what it is like for them when he or she is angry. Is your family excited to see you walk through the door or are they afraid of what might erupt. Invariably they return quite shaken up. I do not have the time or expertise to get into the details. My strong advice is to simply, “Stop it.” There are no excuses or shortcuts on this one. Anger is irrational and destructive. I also ask them to create a detailed action plan of what all the members of the family can do when the anger erupts.

I also ask my patients to not give any unasked for advice to his or her spouse or children for a month. Only listen. Everyone’s eye’s widen. I will admit that this is difficult and I also struggle with this one. Just listen. It is where awareness begins. BTW, it is much more interesting. Protect Your Family from Your Pain

Good and evil are in all of us

 As well-intentioned and good of a person you might be all of us have the potential to be abusive. The combination of anger, power over your family and little accountability is similar to that which was created in these experiments. Do you want your household to be a haven or hell? It is completely your choice.

The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello

The post “Stars Through the Bars” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “Stars Through the Bars” appeared first on Back in Control.

The rhetoric

Some of the historical rhetoric used around bullying as included:

• “We just don’t have the resources to monitor everyone.”
• “Defending yourself is a part of growing up.”
• “It is important to learn to stand up for yourself.”
• “Kids will be kids.”

In defense of the teachers, schools are understaffed and teachers are overworked. Much of this behavior occurs at a level that is impossible to monitor. Fortunately, this conversation is changing.

Schools versus prison

From the perspective of the person being constantly bullied at school, it can be compared to serving prison time. You spend much of your awake time in a place you hate and you aren’t allowed to leave; the authority commanding you to stay in this desperate place does’t have adequate systems in place to protect you from the relentless attacks of your peers.

BTW, even prison can be a place of learning. This is a commentary that prison doesn’t have to be the way it is in the United States. Norway is far ahead of the US regarding the way they treat their prisoners. This video was sent to me by one of my friends from the Charter for Compassion.

Rite of passage?

There is an ill-defined mindset that seems to suggest that attending school is where you become “socialized”.  Enduring bullying results in dysfunctional survival skills. I wonder what percentage of patients suffering from chronic pain were bullied during their teen years.

Bullies are cowards. They are amongst the most insecure anxiety-ridden people on the planet. Their anger is an attempt to mask their vulnerability and helplessness, to regain a feeling of power and control. The angry bully is so anxious and scared that he’ll inflict wanton violence on the physically weak to hide his own anxiety. The bigger the bully, the more anxiety he or she is trying to cover up. Humans hate the feeling of anxiety so much that they will do anything possible to avoid it. It’s no accident that the weakest of the crowd often gets picked on the most. The weak remind bullies of what they are trying to run from—their own vulnerability. On the other hand though, bullies hate the secure and self-assured. It is a grim reminder of who they are not.

All this being said, I have tremendous compassion for bullies.

• They can’t face their own anxiety and vulnerability.
• They cannot experience any meaningful depth of relationships—especially long-term.
• There is a lot of noise and chaos in their brains.
• There is a high chance that their home is probably not overflowing with peace and love.
• They must be hyper-vigilant to maintain their power.

It’s not a great life.

Can’t give it up

It is also difficult to break out of the bullying pattern. It is powerful and addicting. Why would bullies want to give it up? Since the bullies are not going to willingly give up their power, the only short-term choice is to face it with power. There can be no tolerance of this behavior by anyone at any level at any time. Even if we cannot change the bully, we must protect the classmates that are being permanently injured by this incredibly cowardly behavior. Fellow classmates are a potential resource to stop the abuse. Addressing the root cause of unrelenting anxiety is the longer-term solution.

Pain and your family

I wrote a post, “Pain = Anger = Abuse.” The main point of the article was that while you are angry, you are detached from the current reality immediately in front of you. You do not have any awareness of the needs of those who are close to you. It is this lack of awareness that is the essence of abuse. Unfortunately, chronic pain creates a lot of legitimate anxiety and anger. The chronic nature of it makes it much worse and often patients are essentially in a rage. In that state of mind, it is almost impossible not to be abusive. (For more on the connection between anxiety and anger, check out “Your Hand Stuck Over the Stove”).

During my Hoffman Process, I learned that your family’s behavioral patterns and attitudes are passed down to you. For the first 12 years of your life, you are downloading your family patterns into your own behavior. You don’t have much say in the behavioral influences the get etched into your brain. From that point on, these behavioral patterns are your data base. The rest of your life is spent either adopting or rejecting these patterns. Consequently, your children are a direct reflection of you. Is your child is a bully? If so, where did he or she learn that behavior? Is there a chance he or she learned it from you, your partner, or both.

Maybe your child is a bully and you don’t even recognize it, because aggressive bullying behavior is normal behavior to you. Were you a bully in middle school or high school? Bullying behavior does not spontaneously disappear. It often just takes on different forms. What is your behavior like now? Are you willing to look at it?

“Cool Kid”

This video is a parody of the recent Justin Bieber video, “Boyfriend.” It was created by my nephew and is titled, “Cool Kid.” It is a well-done commentary reflecting the views of many students trapped in our school system.

Bullying is deeply woven into the fabric of chronic pain. It is each person’s challenge and responsibility to define and face up to his or her role in this pervasive problem.

The post School or Prison – What’s the Difference? first appeared on Back in Control.

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