• Perfectionism is felt by many of us to be a virtue. It is reflected in terms of,
  “high standards,” “excellent quality,” and “strong work ethic.”
• It is actually a disguised version of anger directed at yourself. These ideas actually become translated our minds as, “not good enough,” “imposter syndrome,” and “why do I always do this?”
• Holding yourself up to impossible standards is a way of remaining in a victim role indefinitely.
• These “standards” also translate into judgments of others as you project your views of yourself onto them.
• The most disturbing aspect of this issue is that all of this arises from the unconscious brain, are hardwired circuits beginning from birth, you have no control over them, and are unresponsive to the conscious brain.
• They have to dealt with by reprogramming the unconscious brain.

Perfectionism may be the most common, almost universal disguise of anger. I had been raised with the idea that it was a virtue, and this perception was dramatically reinforced during my medical training. It was at the core of my burnout and journey into The Abyss of pain and I had no idea it was problem until well after I had crashed and burned.

Perfectionism fits into the anger cascade in the following manner.

• A given situation, person, or you, are less than your concept of ideal.
• You blame one of the above for being “less than perfect.”
• You are now a victim of “less than perfect”
• You will perpetually exist in some state of conscious or unconscious agitation.

David Burns in his book, Ten Days to Self Esteem,¹ points out that the gap between your concept of perfect and your reality is the degree of your unhappiness. Perfection does not exist in the human experience. Since perfection is unattainable, why do so many of us continue to embrace it? I will offer a couple of observations from the perspective of an extreme perfectionist.

Why do we keep holding on to “perfect?

First of all, we are programmed to “be all that we can be.” We are also taught that “pushing yourself” is the best way to accomplish this goal – except that pushing often evolves into punishing in the form of self-criticism without limits. Since this strategy often achieves impressive short and medium-term results, it seems like a reasonable pathway. It’s not. Using the medical profession as an example, the burnout rate amongst physicians is over 50% in every state in the US and has risen between 5-10% in the last five years. The burnout rate in neurosurgeons, in one study, demonstrated that it was over 65%.² The same driving energy that pushes you up the hill takes you down the other side. Striving for perfection becomes a deeply-established programmed pattern of thinking and behavior.

A second reason is that the victim role is so powerful that humans will do almost anything to create and hang onto it. Since perfect is unattainable, you are able to remain a victim of imperfection indefinitely. It is self-flagellation. The DOC Journey is about letting go, allowing yourself to repeatedly “fail,” and continuing to move on. Perfect does not allow for failure. BTW, much of your capacity to create a wonderful life is dependent on your ability to deal with adversity successfully and efficiently. Your body will spend less time being exposed to threat physiology. Also consider, “what is failure?”

Third, your self-critical voice is part of the powerful unconscious brain that is not subject to conscious interventions. There is a phenomenon called “the ironic effect” that sabotages your best intentions. When you try to focus on noble ideals and concepts, your brain focuses on ways that you might not attain them. In other words, the more you try to think about something positive, the less you will think about it. You’ll develop anxiety from the futility your efforts. We tend to take these voices personally and we should not. They are your brains automatic programmed patterns. We can “talk” to them as much as we want but there is no one there. It is tragic that we try to quiet these voices that are just repetitive circuits. The more of well-intentioned person you are, the louder they are.

Perfectionism is rampant

85% of people in chronic pain have not forgiven the person, employer, other driver, etc. who caused their pain. Interestingly, the person they are the most upset at is themselves.³ If your intention is to live a life filled with peace and joy, how can you accomplish it by holding onto resentment, especially if it is directed at yourself.

Starting a new life

I was talking to a friend of mine who had recently lost his wife. He was a high-level professional and trying to meet someone to start a new life. Invariably, his internal dialogue was “inadequate,” “boring conversationalist, narrow interests, unattractive, and the list went on. Then it came out that he placed these same labels on his dates. What he wasn’t aware of is that your mind projects onto other people and situations the way we feel about ourselves. The term for this behavior is projection. So, when you are in a judgmental mode and expressing it to others, you are revealing to the world the way you feel about yourself. This is particularly true when you are upset (in pain).

Hard on his family

I was talking to one my colleagues who had experienced a lot of success using the approaches in The DOC Journey with a marked decrease in his anxiety and stomach pains. He found the expressive writing and relaxation tools the most helpful. He had also read Dr. Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good.⁴

He had returned from vacation and stopped the expressive writing since he felt so good and relaxed. The day he walked back on the job his symptoms returned. It came out in further conversation that he is extremely hard on himself. He was an ex-baseball player who almost went pro. I asked him if he was critical of his kids. He admitted that he was. I pointed out that he was not going to be any easier on them that he was on himself and that in the big picture he was not being that nice to either. What he held up as “high standards” was really intense perfectionism. Was this really the world he wanted to create for himself and his family? It is antithesis of creating a haven of safety. Dr. Luskin is clear that forgiveness has to begin with forgiving and accepting yourself? We all sort of know this, but down deep we don’t pull it off very well.

Letting go

So what is the solution? These are not pathways that you can intellectually solve. They are mindless endless loops. Your body is also chemically reacting to these thoughts and creating n. Suppressing them makes the situation even worse. The key is to become aware of the depth and nature of your critical self-talk and create some “space” between you and these circuits. Writing down your thoughts down an awareness of them and also creates this needed space. Then you can use your conscious mind to redirect your attention to more pleasant choices. Just understanding the magnitude of the impact that perfectionism is having on the quality of your life also helps.

Finally, decide to be happy. You have to use repetition to reprogram the unconscious. This is different than positive thinking, which is a form of suppressing. It entails creating a positive vision. You cannot get to happy while remaining perpetually judgmental. Then choose to program your brain with positive alternatives and solutions. Paradoxically, you will possess an endless amount more energy to achieve your goals.

I hold a Q&A session a couple of times per week. Perhaps the most common topic that keeps coming up is “not feeling good enough” and self-criticism. I joke that we could call our roundtable, “The perfectionist’s club,” except it is not funny and actually is tragic. The accomplishments of this group are remarkable, yet there is a limited capacity to enjoy their successes. Perfectionism is what was the essence of my personal demise.

Recap

Creating a vision of excellence is much different than having “high standards.” You understand and accept where you are along with your resources. Then you create a plan to pursue your vision of what you want your life to look like. This involves filling your brain with positive solutions as well as accepting and processing  the inevitable failures. This is a different journey from wasting your energy flagellating yourself for your inadequacies and failures. If you are not willing to fail, then don’t attempt the journey. Paradoxically, you will have an endless amount of additional energy to achieve your goals. Happiness is only possible while pursuing a vision of excellence.

References

1. Burns, David. Ten Days to Self Esteem. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1993.
2. Kurapati, Rajeev. Burnout in Healthcare. Sajjana Publishing, 2019.
3. Carson JW, et al. Conflict about expressing emotions and chronic low back pain: Associations with pain and anger. The Journal of Pain (2007); 8:405-411.
4. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2003.

The post The Ultimate Victim Role – Perfectionism first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The Ultimate Victim Role – Perfectionism appeared first on Back in Control.

It’s because every human being is attached to being a victim since it feels so powerful. It also masks feelings of anxiety and vulnerability, which we hate. Even after many years of being out of pain and practicing the DOC concepts, I frequently still dive into being a victim. It is a core pattern for me, and I finally realized that it isn’t going to ever disappear. The greatest obstacle to solving chronic pain is the willingness to learn about the nature of it and use the strategies to solve it. We become addicted to the power of pain. But here’s the problem.

A few years ago I labeled myself as “enlightened”, which meant in my mind that I was above going into the victim mode and could maintain a sense of tranquility regardless of the circumstances. It was a bad idea and it turned out that my “enlightenment” was just another form of suppressing negative thinking. Suppressed anger and labeling both block awareness and my relationships suffered.

The problem is that when you’re in the victim mode, it is a complete package of behaviors and the behavioral patterns are much stronger than your conscious brain. Every time you’re upset you are now a real or perceived victim. By definition you’ll engage in destructive behaviors, including self-destructive ones. Even though you “know better”, it won’t stop you. The conscious brain is no match this energy.

My List        

I have a list of various behaviors I do when I am upset. They include: a) stopping my own practice of expressive writing b) quit exercising c) eating poorly and at irregular hours d) feeling in a bad mood and making sure those around me are fully experiencing it with me, e) making excuses for not getting things done f) blaming others. There are many others that are subtler and some that are quite destructive. These actions are just a small aspect of my anger response. I was truly a victim of a chaotic family and unfortunately this pattern is a significant part of my core behavioral patterns.

If you feel that you aren’t angry or don’t exhibit this kind of behavior think again – or seriously ask those close to you what their observations are? Every human has this problem whether he or she recognizes it or not.

What Do You Do?

I’ve finally given up trying to not be angry. It takes too much energy and it is an inherent part of life. I am continually working on approaches to deal with it.

First, it’s critical that I am aware that I’m angry. There are many ways to disguise it, including rationalization. Since I’m “right” then what I’m experiencing really isn’t anger. My default disguise is just “feeling frustrated.” It works both ways. I may not feel angry or frustrated, but I am engaged in self-destructive behaviors. As I mentally work backwards, I can usually see that I’m upset and what the trigger was that set me off.

Second, I’ve accepted that I like the power of being a victim and after over 20 years of recognizing and watching it, that the role isn’t ever going to disappear. I will never wake up one morning and ever want to give it up. I focus on becoming more aware when I have gone into that mode and more importantly, observing people’s reactions to my words and actions.

Third, since I teach about the consequences of anger and benefits of forgiveness, I become upset with myself for being angry. It’s a double-hit. I work on “failing well,” since it’s inevitable that I’m going to behave badly. Being a self-critical perfectionist magnifies the problem.

Finally, a strategy I’ve adopted with some success is minimizing destructive behaviors while I’m upset.

Cut Your Losses

Logically, minimizing the destructive aspect of anger is my only choice. Some examples that I am working with include:

• Eating a lesser amount of junk food.
• Exercising even for five or ten minutes, regardless of how I feel.
• Re-engaging with the expressive writing exercise– even if it’s only a couple of sentences.
• Not making anyone the target of my frustrations, especially my family.
• Looking at what set me off and how the situation might look from his or her viewpoint. What may I have said or done to start the reaction?
• Recognizing that my anger response is often out of proportion to situation. Just being aware of it has helped me step back and not take action while I am in this fired up state of mind.

I’m making progress in cutting my losses. Some weeks are better than others.

Addictions

I have an extensive experience in weaning patients off of high doses of opioids and other addicting drugs. My view is that an addiction is an addiction regardless of the form it takes. They all inflict varying forms of damage to your body and life. The problem with drugs is that the toll is so high. The general approach to rehabilitation is structure and control, which is effective for many people, but often isn’t sustainable.

The key is to understand that the driving force behind addiction is anxiety. No one wants to be an addict, but unrelenting anxiety is intolerable. Anxiety is an unconscious neurochemical survival response and necessary for survival. When you can’t escape it, you’ll produce more stress hormones and become angry. Since it isn’t primarily psychological, it’s not subject to isolated rational interventions.

So, when a patient goes into the self-destructive role, I ask if there is a set of  “victim behaviors” that are less destructive? Instead of feeling guilty about “failing,” can you connect with compassion for yourself? There is a much higher chance you’ll come out of the hole more quickly and move forward towards the life you really want. One of the approaches is to learn how to “fail well.”

What about You?

What is your “anger package?” What self-destructive and other destructive behaviors do you engage in when you are feeling sorry for yourself? Is being angry and acting badly so much a part of your life that you don’t even feel anger is a problem? I frequently see patients who tell me they are not angry but it is clear that he or she has not taken one step to care for his or her health. Self-neglect is one of the ultimate self-destructive anger-based behaviors that is akin to a slow suicide. There is no other explanation for it. You have to be aware you are in this mode before you can address it.

What can you do to minimize the damage when you are in your victim mode? Can you contain yourself when you feel like yelling? Are you able to simply eat less when you feel like binging? What about having just a few cigarettes instead of smoking for a week? Are you able to allow yourself to fail and get back on track quickly? Is there something you can do besides jumping back into your full drug habit? Even if you completely fail, how quickly can you let yourself off of the hook?

Anxiety and anger will always be a part of your life? What can you do to limit the damage?

The post Anger: Damage Control first appeared on Back in Control.

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