• Our core life outlook is programmed by every second of our life to the present moment.
• Each person has infinitely unique perspective and feel there are basic ways we “should” live our lives.
• When others (or ourselves) don’t meet our internal standards, we’ll often become critical and demanding.
• When your wishes turn into demands, internally or externally, you have created “unenforceable rules.”
• Remaining upset about situations you have no control over burns up your reserves, and you’ll develop unpleasant symptoms and/or become ill.
• Understanding the problem allows solutions.

“Should”

There are many reasons for resentment and one of them is the word, “should”. Dr. Fred Luskin in his book, Forgive for Good,¹ presents a concept of the “unenforceable rules.” There are many situations that irritate us daily and a can consume a lot of energy. Many of the frustrations arise from situations that we have little or no control over, such as other’s behavior. Dr. Luskin points out that it’s fine to wish someone would behave differently, but when that wish becomes a demand in your mind then you are wasting your time, consuming energy, and destroying relationships. Thinking, “I wish my son had better manners” is much different than, “He has to act better and I am going to have a say about it.”

This type of thinking pervades almost every aspect of our lives and the closer the relationships the more intense the interaction. Make a list of behaviors of how others should act. What happens when they irritate you? Do you give advice, snap at them, nag, or give unasked-for advice?

If you’re critical, either openly or silently, of your other’s actions, you’ll foster resentment within you. The people you are critical of are not any happier about being criticized than you are when you feel judged. What makes all of this more ironic is that when you are judgmental, you are just projecting your own opinion of yourself onto others. As you can see, this is a tangled mess.

Where does it come from?

It arises from within us. We are programmed from birth to be what everyone around thinks we should be. Your parents are the earliest and most powerful influences, but everyone has an effect – friends, colleagues, employers, co-workers, society, and the marketing world. So, the word “should” becomes the guiding force of our lives. Other descriptions are “self-esteem”, “perfectionism”, and the “self-critical voice.” They are relentless and a major factor wearing us down and compromising the quality of our lives. Additionally, there is no way for humans to escape from their thoughts and consciousness. Stress in the form of “URT’s” (Unpleasant Repetitive Thoughts)² causes a chronic stress state and may be the underlying driving force behind all mental and physical diseases.

So, we are also the target of our own “unenforceable rules” and then project them onto others. It is how human consciousness works. As dismal as this situation is and it is as disruptive as it sounds, it is a solvable problem. There are many ways to calm the nervous instead of trying to control it. The first step is understanding the nature of your self-critical voice, nurturing awareness of how it looks, and feeling its impact on you and others around you.

Suggestions for “should” to “would like”

First, everyone sees the world from their own perspective and it feels like the “correct” one. Work on suspending judgment and try only to listen.

Second, keep reminding yourself of the “unenforceable rules”. You have little control over most of the situations that irritate you. This is especially true when others are trying to control you. Train yourself not to react when you feel judged and become aware of when you are judging and making demands based on your “standards.”

Third, everyone’s perspective is valid – especially your children’s. Only listen to your children for a month (preferably indefinitely) without giving advice or being critical. Consider reading Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon.³ He was a child psychiatrist who presents remarkable insights into how your children are viewing your behavior and words. Often a child can see a situation more clearly than a parent who is upset.

Finally, just let go. Enjoy your day with whatever tools you have. All these patterns and reactions are almost infinite and have no endpoint. Quit trying to “talk it out” and realize that anytime you are anxious or angry, you’re in a survival reactive pattern that isn’t subject to rational interventions.”

All of these strategies center around awareness. It’s critical to see when you have transitioned from, “Would like” to “Should.” Then let go and move on.

Recap

I was putting up our Christmas tree one year and the strings of lights had become tightly tangled. As you well know, the solution is to loosen it all up and slowly unravel it. I got a little frustrated and started to yank on the wires and of course made it much worse. Understanding how you have become ensnared in your life outlook is a critical step in untangling it. Then look at how your views are projected onto others.

Ongoing self and other-directed “should” thinking erodes our enjoyment of life. Awareness is key to solving it. Are you being the person that you want others to be. If you are in a critical mode, is that attractive to people around you? Would you want to hang out with you? Awareness of how your actions and attitudes appear to others is humbling and also allows change. You’re your nervous system becomes more regulated and calmer, you’ll be the change you’d like to see and it is contagious.

Questions and Considerations

1. By definition, each of us has self and world views that are unique and how we determine our place in life. It is challenging to see situations through another person’s eyes.
2. So, we have a fairly fixed life lens and other’s actions validate or invalidate this view. We have an instinctive impulse to bring people around to what we think is right and become upset when they don’t respond.
3. We can’t control other people, although we certainly all try. None of us like to be controlled; yet we still do it.
4. Consider the actions in others that are upsetting to you, the amount of energy you are expending in this state, and how you might be trying to influence them to change.
5. You might wish others would behave in a way that is more in line with your thinking, but when, “would be nice” turns to, “should be this way”, you are keeping your body in a threat state, expending needless energy, and detracting from the quality of your life and others. You may also become ill.
6. Understanding how infinitely different each of us are is an important starting point. Be kind to others and to yourself.

 References

1. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2003.
2. Makovac E, et al. Can’t get it off my brain: Meta-analysis of neuroimaging studies on perseverative cognition. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging (2020); 295:111020. doi.org/10.1016/j/psychresns.2019.111020
3. Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training. Crown Publishing, New York, NY, 2000.

The post From “Would Like” to “Should” – The Unenforceable Rules first appeared on Back in Control.

The post From “Would Like” to “Should” – The Unenforceable Rules appeared first on Back in Control.

• Perfectionism is felt by many of us to be a virtue. It is reflected in terms of,
  “high standards,” “excellent quality,” and “strong work ethic.”
• It is actually a disguised version of anger directed at yourself. These ideas actually become translated our minds as, “not good enough,” “imposter syndrome,” and “why do I always do this?”
• Holding yourself up to impossible standards is a way of remaining in a victim role indefinitely.
• These “standards” also translate into judgments of others as you project your views of yourself onto them.
• The most disturbing aspect of this issue is that all of this arises from the unconscious brain, are hardwired circuits beginning from birth, you have no control over them, and are unresponsive to the conscious brain.
• They have to dealt with by reprogramming the unconscious brain.

Perfectionism may be the most common, almost universal disguise of anger. I had been raised with the idea that it was a virtue, and this perception was dramatically reinforced during my medical training. It was at the core of my burnout and journey into The Abyss of pain and I had no idea it was problem until well after I had crashed and burned.

Perfectionism fits into the anger cascade in the following manner.

• A given situation, person, or you, are less than your concept of ideal.
• You blame one of the above for being “less than perfect.”
• You are now a victim of “less than perfect”
• You will perpetually exist in some state of conscious or unconscious agitation.

David Burns in his book, Ten Days to Self Esteem,¹ points out that the gap between your concept of perfect and your reality is the degree of your unhappiness. Perfection does not exist in the human experience. Since perfection is unattainable, why do so many of us continue to embrace it? I will offer a couple of observations from the perspective of an extreme perfectionist.

Why do we keep holding on to “perfect?

First of all, we are programmed to “be all that we can be.” We are also taught that “pushing yourself” is the best way to accomplish this goal – except that pushing often evolves into punishing in the form of self-criticism without limits. Since this strategy often achieves impressive short and medium-term results, it seems like a reasonable pathway. It’s not. Using the medical profession as an example, the burnout rate amongst physicians is over 50% in every state in the US and has risen between 5-10% in the last five years. The burnout rate in neurosurgeons, in one study, demonstrated that it was over 65%.² The same driving energy that pushes you up the hill takes you down the other side. Striving for perfection becomes a deeply-established programmed pattern of thinking and behavior.

A second reason is that the victim role is so powerful that humans will do almost anything to create and hang onto it. Since perfect is unattainable, you are able to remain a victim of imperfection indefinitely. It is self-flagellation. The DOC Journey is about letting go, allowing yourself to repeatedly “fail,” and continuing to move on. Perfect does not allow for failure. BTW, much of your capacity to create a wonderful life is dependent on your ability to deal with adversity successfully and efficiently. Your body will spend less time being exposed to threat physiology. Also consider, “what is failure?”

Third, your self-critical voice is part of the powerful unconscious brain that is not subject to conscious interventions. There is a phenomenon called “the ironic effect” that sabotages your best intentions. When you try to focus on noble ideals and concepts, your brain focuses on ways that you might not attain them. In other words, the more you try to think about something positive, the less you will think about it. You’ll develop anxiety from the futility your efforts. We tend to take these voices personally and we should not. They are your brains automatic programmed patterns. We can “talk” to them as much as we want but there is no one there. It is tragic that we try to quiet these voices that are just repetitive circuits. The more of well-intentioned person you are, the louder they are.

Perfectionism is rampant

85% of people in chronic pain have not forgiven the person, employer, other driver, etc. who caused their pain. Interestingly, the person they are the most upset at is themselves.³ If your intention is to live a life filled with peace and joy, how can you accomplish it by holding onto resentment, especially if it is directed at yourself.

Starting a new life

I was talking to a friend of mine who had recently lost his wife. He was a high-level professional and trying to meet someone to start a new life. Invariably, his internal dialogue was “inadequate,” “boring conversationalist, narrow interests, unattractive, and the list went on. Then it came out that he placed these same labels on his dates. What he wasn’t aware of is that your mind projects onto other people and situations the way we feel about ourselves. The term for this behavior is projection. So, when you are in a judgmental mode and expressing it to others, you are revealing to the world the way you feel about yourself. This is particularly true when you are upset (in pain).

Hard on his family

I was talking to one my colleagues who had experienced a lot of success using the approaches in The DOC Journey with a marked decrease in his anxiety and stomach pains. He found the expressive writing and relaxation tools the most helpful. He had also read Dr. Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good.⁴

He had returned from vacation and stopped the expressive writing since he felt so good and relaxed. The day he walked back on the job his symptoms returned. It came out in further conversation that he is extremely hard on himself. He was an ex-baseball player who almost went pro. I asked him if he was critical of his kids. He admitted that he was. I pointed out that he was not going to be any easier on them that he was on himself and that in the big picture he was not being that nice to either. What he held up as “high standards” was really intense perfectionism. Was this really the world he wanted to create for himself and his family? It is antithesis of creating a haven of safety. Dr. Luskin is clear that forgiveness has to begin with forgiving and accepting yourself? We all sort of know this, but down deep we don’t pull it off very well.

Letting go

So what is the solution? These are not pathways that you can intellectually solve. They are mindless endless loops. Your body is also chemically reacting to these thoughts and creating n. Suppressing them makes the situation even worse. The key is to become aware of the depth and nature of your critical self-talk and create some “space” between you and these circuits. Writing down your thoughts down an awareness of them and also creates this needed space. Then you can use your conscious mind to redirect your attention to more pleasant choices. Just understanding the magnitude of the impact that perfectionism is having on the quality of your life also helps.

Finally, decide to be happy. You have to use repetition to reprogram the unconscious. This is different than positive thinking, which is a form of suppressing. It entails creating a positive vision. You cannot get to happy while remaining perpetually judgmental. Then choose to program your brain with positive alternatives and solutions. Paradoxically, you will possess an endless amount more energy to achieve your goals.

I hold a Q&A session a couple of times per week. Perhaps the most common topic that keeps coming up is “not feeling good enough” and self-criticism. I joke that we could call our roundtable, “The perfectionist’s club,” except it is not funny and actually is tragic. The accomplishments of this group are remarkable, yet there is a limited capacity to enjoy their successes. Perfectionism is what was the essence of my personal demise.

Recap

Creating a vision of excellence is much different than having “high standards.” You understand and accept where you are along with your resources. Then you create a plan to pursue your vision of what you want your life to look like. This involves filling your brain with positive solutions as well as accepting and processing  the inevitable failures. This is a different journey from wasting your energy flagellating yourself for your inadequacies and failures. If you are not willing to fail, then don’t attempt the journey. Paradoxically, you will have an endless amount of additional energy to achieve your goals. Happiness is only possible while pursuing a vision of excellence.

References

1. Burns, David. Ten Days to Self Esteem. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1993.
2. Kurapati, Rajeev. Burnout in Healthcare. Sajjana Publishing, 2019.
3. Carson JW, et al. Conflict about expressing emotions and chronic low back pain: Associations with pain and anger. The Journal of Pain (2007); 8:405-411.
4. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2003.

The post The Ultimate Victim Role – Perfectionism first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The Ultimate Victim Role – Perfectionism appeared first on Back in Control.