My first year in training

I will never forget my first holiday season as an internal medicine resident in Spokane, WA. I learned that the holidays are a nightmare for the medicine service, especially the GI service. Diabetics don’t take their insulin and their sugars go out of control. Cardiac patients don’t take their meds and are admitted for chest pain and abnormal rhythms. The GI service is the worst in that patients with liver disease drink more and develop major bleeding in their gut. People are depressed and the stress of the holidays puts them over the edge.

He died?

We had a resident’s clinic once a week. One of my favorite patients was an 80 year-old gentleman, who was as nice of a person as you could meet. He had some moderate lung disease but otherwise was fairly healthy. He was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve with respiratory failure. It didn’t make sense to any of us, as his lung disease wasn’t that severe. We had a whole team working intensely to solve the puzzle. It didn’t matter. He died two days later. During the course of the hospitalization I found out that his son who lived in Seattle had not invited him over for Christmas and he had become despondent. I have since learned that the will to die is as strong as the will to live.

My descent into loneliness

I could not figure  this increase in illness and depression over the holidays for many years – until I descended into my own anxiety-driven depression and chronic pain. There were many unpleasant (terrible) aspects of being in the abyss, but maybe the worst one was feeling alone. I am an extremely social person. As I became progressively more anxious and reactive I began to feel isolated. In retrospect I realize that a lot of this was occurring in my own head. My friends were not avoiding me. I was not interacting with them. While I was trying to survive the terror of raw anxiety I was not able to reach out to others. I became more withdrawn and felt uncomfortable even talking to people. Discovering I had NPD

Obsessive thought patterns

What began to happen is that I developed what I now recognize as an obsessive thought pattern (classic symptom of the Neurophysiologic Disorder) that everyone else had a better life than I did. It did not matter what the evidence was to the contrary. I could not shake that thought. The holiday season made it much worse. First, it reminded me of times that were much better and I felt even more sorry for myself. Secondly, people really seemed like they were having a better time than I was. (jealous/angry). Finally it seemed like the merriment around me was almost mocking my plight. For over 10 years I would become dark around the holidays.

I became socially isolated. I imagined that people just didn’t want to be around me and the story in my head became strong and convincing. Fortunately, I had a few people that I connected with that could see through the storm of my thoughts. It was that human connection that kept me going. But the feeling of loneliness was one of the worst aspects of my descent into chronic pain.

Social exclusion and the ACC

A study published in 2003 (1) looked at the brains of volunteers who were hooked up to a functional MRI scanner (fMRI) which highlights metabolic activity of the brain in response to different stimuli. The volunteers were visually involved in a computer game of “three way catch”. They were not told that the other two “players” were just the computer. At a certain point they were suddenly excluded from the game while the other two “players” threw the ball back and forth another 45 times. The volunteer would consistently feel excluded and experience emotional distress. Interestingly, a part of the frontal lobe, the ACC, would light up. This part of the brain is “the neural alarm system.” It lights up when something in the environment is not right or threatening. Not surprisingly pain is a basic signal that also lights up this area. This study documented that emotional pain lights up the same area.

So chronic pain creates yet another vicious loop. Pain lights up the ACC (anterior cingulate cortex). While in pain you feel much less inclined to be social, which then reinforces the stimulation of the ACC. You now have added emotional pain to the physical pain.

Where does chronic pain begin?

People need people. People need to connect first with themselves and then with others. There are many societal factors, in addition to chronic pain, that create social isolation. It is unclear whether the social isolation that stimulates this “neuro warning center” could be the starting point of chronic pain.

Omega

My wife, Dr. Fred Luskin, and I put on a five-day seminar at the Omega Institute last summer. There were 11 participants who experienced a significant shift in their mood and pain during the week. As they went back to their home environment some had their pain return and many remained relatively pain free. The essence of the week was that we were able to relax and connect with one another. My impression was that the environment allowed us to open up and share. The capacity of people to heal each other was powerful. (The workshop was July 19-24, 2015.) “The Cup Song??”

The holiday season during my burnout was the equivalent of being excluded from the computer game. I’m sure that if I was placed into a fMRI during that period my ACC would have lit up like a small nuclear reactor. The sense of social exclusion was crushing. My Battle With NPD

I was very fortunate to not only escape from the abyss, but thrive. I wish the same for you in 2016.

1. Eisenberger, Naomi, et al. “Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion”. Science, 2003, pp. 290 – 292.

The post Happy Holidays – Not first appeared on Back in Control.

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The worst part of my ordeal was the mental pain and being bombarded with unpleasant and intrusive thoughts. It was the most disturbing aspect of it all and the more I did battle with them, the more intense they became. I had already slipped into an “internal OCD” (obsessive compulsive disorder) five years earlier. It  manifested with repetitive disturbing thoughts that I countered with positive thoughts. Internal OCD does not have external characteristics such as hand washing and counting.

I had begun the expressive writing about six months earlier with a lot of success. My anxiety and other physical symptoms had diminished but I was still struggling on many fronts.

“I am a victim”

On Mother’s Day of 2002, I suddenly realized what being a victim entailed and saw that I was deeply enmeshed inthat role. Up to that point, I had no idea that I was even angry. I was just “right” and “frustrated.” But since I had so many legitimate reasons for feeling this way, I never considered myself as angry. In fact, my concept was that I had dealt with anger and had moved on. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I felt a deep shift and over the next six weeks, more of my physical symptoms began to resolve, with the most unexpected one being that the ringing in my ears (tinnitus) decreased dramatically. After 25 years of dealing with it, I had assumed that it was a permanent symptom. However, many of the disturbing thoughts persisted and were interfering with my capacity to enjoy my life. I felt stuck.

The circus mirrors

One day, I suddenly had an image of myself standing in front of the kind of reflecting mirrors that you see in the circus. I was staring at repeating versions of  myself, going into infinity. I could see the battle playing out in my brain – a disruptive thought followed by a  counterthought – without an end. This had been playing out in me for years. I realized that there was nothing I could do and I “gave up.” I had reached a point where I had to let go. I truly became deeply discouraged yet at the same time, this realization was accompanied by a deep physical feeling of release. I was perplexed.

I continued to use all the tools of writing, mindfulness, forgiveness, etc. But with my new outlook, I began to move forward with my life and within six months most of my physical and mental symptoms (Including the obsessive thoughts) had dramatically abated. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it turned out that letting go and moving on was the definitive answer. This was well before I understood the concepts of neuroplasticity. Your brain develops whereveryou place your attention and I had been reinforcing the problem by trying to fix it.

Take a break

My patients and I frequently discuss the idea of taking a break from The DOC Journey. They have been diligent in reading, writing, not discussing their pain or medical care, meditating, processing anger, and even working hard at play. But they continued to be frustrated because, even though their pain had diminished, their anxiety levels remained too high, upsetting thoughts continued to bombard them, and they still didn’t have the quality of life that would allow them to thrive.

Perfectionism came into play in that he or she wanted to be the best student and really do it right. But the harder they worked at it, their neurologic energy was still directed at themselves. Inadvertently, by stimulating neuroplastic changes towards the problem, they were reinforcing these unpleasant neurological circuits.

Remember that the victim role (including perfectionism) is so powerful, you will never want to give it up – even afteryou have felt how free you can be. It is too strong of a survival need. The  decision to let go of the victim role is a day-by-day decision, sometimes a minute-by-minute one. Being triggered is inherent to being alive, and you have to decide if and when you want to let go, and when you are ready, just do it. I have not found an alternative and logic doesn’t work. I call it, “flipping the switch.”

Bill

Occasionally, at the end of an office visit, I asked my patient to sit in the exam room and not leave until they committed to “letting go” of the victim role. They may have sat for 10-20 minutes before they left. Walking out the door was symbolic of them stepping into their new life. It was surprising how effective that simple action could be.

Bill was a middle-aged, small-business owner who had been in chronic pain for over twenty years. He had done quite well with the DOC principles, along with the help of one my colleagues. One day Bill was triggered by one of his business partners and fell deeply back into the Abyss of pain and despair, to a depth he had not experienced before. He was becoming suicidal. Unfortunately for me—but fortunately for others— through my own experience, I gained extensive insights into suicide and realized that anger is what pounds your soul into the ground. Bill was in an extreme victim mode. I called him out on it during an extremely intense conversation. Although it was nerve wracking for both of us,  it clicked. He sat in the exam room for about half an hour.  When I saw him back a few months later, he was achanged man and re-entering the workforce.

A friend sent me this poem:

“She Just Let Go”

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the “right” reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,

She just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go….

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her day timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree,

She just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle.

It wasn’tgood, and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

–Rev. Safire Rose

This poem “She Just Let Go” by Reverend Safire Rose beautifully conveys the essence of The DOC Journey. Letting go is the simplest and simultaneously the most difficult aspect of the healing process. Our anger is powerful and often legitimate. We are accustomed to fixing others and ourselves, but our attention is still on our flaws and those of others. Too much attention to shortcomings inadvertently strengthens our unpleasant neurological circuits.

The DOC Journey provides guidance and tools to get to a place where you are able to let go. The freedom you will experience is remarkable. For me, it was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Watching people enter this realm is inspiring and is a major factor in motivating me to keep me moving forward with this project.

Reconnecting with Your True Self

On Saturday, November 6th, Dr. Les Aria, a friend of mine, and I are holding a workshop that is being hosted through The Open Center in New York. We will be discussing both the process of letting go using specific strategies to connect to the best part of who you are. The intention is for you to leave with a clear concept of the power of the unconscious survival mind, how to develop a “working relationship” with it, and move forward into the life you desire. Click this link to take a look at the course and register.

The post “She Just Let Go” first appeared on Back in Control.

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The same process occurs with thought patterns, which are also embedded and permanent. It is how we navigate life. You don’t have to learn to touch a hot stove every time you pass it or purposely put yourself in an emotionally abusive situation.

Your body’s response to sustained stress is the root cause of chronic mental and physical diseases. Your body is flooded with inflammatory molecules called cytokines and your stress hormones including adrenaline, cortisol, and histamines keep your body on high alert. This “threat physiology” translates into multiple physical and mental symptoms.They resolve as you learn to regulate your own body’s chemistry. Many of them are physical. The most difficult concept for many patients to grasp is that since the symptoms are physically experienced then there must be some structural source. It does not matter how many different ways I explain it or how many negative tests that have been done. They just will not believe that physical symptoms can be generated from the brain and body’s stress chemistry. YOUR BRAIN IS CONNECTED TO EVERY ONE OF THE 30 TRILLION CELLS IN YOUR BODY either chemically or by nerves. The only way that physical sensations can be experienced is by being processed and interpreted in your brain. BTW, there is something terribly wrong. Your body’s physiology is way out of balance.

The “Pain Switch”

Then he or she proceeds to explain to me in detail that since they can push on a certain spot and feel the pain, then how can it be in their brain? How can it not be there? The fact that a simple push can elicit pain means that the threshold for stimulating those pain fibers has been lowered –  often dramatically. Your pain switch is either on or off. The only place these switches exist is in the brain.

Water Torture versus a Rock

Do you think that the pain felt during water torture is imaginary? It is a simple, painless drop of water. There is no reason it should ever cause pain. If water constantly drips on a rock does that cause pain? In fact over years, decades, or centuries the rock will be eroded by the simple repetition of dripping. Why is there not pain in that scenario? Obviously a rock has no nervous system. Repetition of any activity lays down circuits that are repeatable and become increasingly efficient? It is true for musicians, artists, and athletes, and also true for the perception of pain.

Obsessive Thought Patterns

Unfortunately, it is also true for the thought, “My doctor is missing something because I am in pain.” I am repeatedly told that I just don’t understand how they feel. That set of thoughts becomes it’s own set of repeatable circuits that will not shut down. Logic alone will not break them up. The reason why it is such an unfortunate situation is that it also limits treatment. The one variable that predicts success or failure in treating chronic diseases is your willingness to engage in the tools. The problem is that these endlessly repeating circuits also block opens to learning. It is the reason why that The DOC Journey app and course emphasise expressive writing so early in that is the one necessary exercise that begins to break up these endlessly repeating circuits.

My Weekly Battle

I was reminded of the problem several times every week. I had a middle-aged woman who had not really engaged in the DOC project. She had experienced anxiety (another stress symptom) since she was a teen along with chronic LBP. She had ruptured a disc in her back six months earlier and was experiencing screaming leg pain. She did have a large ruptured disc. When I explained the neurological nature of chronic pain, it was an ugly conversation. I asked her to come back when she calmed down. I was surprised that she returned the next week. On the second visit I told her that I seldom operate anymore unless the chronic pain is being actively addressed. That means that the patient is actively reading, writing, learning, and generally taking full responsibility for their care. However this disc was so large that I felt that I had to take it out first. She swore that she would engage.

Guess what? The simple disc excision that took away all of her leg pain, as expected, did not relieve any of her LBP. In spite of at least 10  direct conversations that the operation was only effective in relieving leg pain. I could not convince her that her LBP was coming from the soft tissues around her spine and that spine surgery rarely helps LBP. It is a rehab issue. She was convinced that there was something causing her pain that I was missing.

Doctors do not like to miss anything. We are extremely aware, even paranoid, of overlooking a problem that can and should be fixed. It is one of the reasons why health care costs are so high. We will often order testing when we know that the chance of it being positive is less than one in a thousand.

Another Failure

I did not get through. She thought if we could “fix it” her pain would disappear and her anxiety around it would diminish. I don’t think she will ever engage in any structured rehab program. The tragedy is that both are easily treatable with usual outcome to be pain free with minimal anxiety. The general wisdom in surgery is that if a patient has had the surgical risks explained to them then they must be in enough pain to undergo the operation. What the surgeons don’t understand (historically including me) is that the decision-making has become irrational.

The success of a spine fusion for LBP is less than 30%. (1,2) When the surgery has failed then the surgeon “has done their part” and sends them on their way – to where??

I never again performed elective surgery unless the patient would engage in his or her own care at some level. I felt in every elective case that surgery was only about a third of the solution. Physical conditioning and healing the nervous system are the other two thirds of the picture.

Personal and Societal Costs

I don’t regret performing her surgery, as it was necessary from a perspective of the need to relieve her severe leg discomfort. I am sad and frustrated that only a fraction of the benefit will be realized. Not only is the suffering of truly trapped patients not solved, they are also costing the rest of society untold billions dollars with the relentless pursuit of an answer that does not exist. Obsessive thought patterns, which is one of the symptoms created by stress physiology, both exacerbates pain and blocks effective treatment. It is truly phantom brain pain.

Are You Kidding Me?

1. Franklin, GM et al. “Outcome of lumbar fusion in Washington State Workers’ Compensation.” Spine(1994); 19: 1897 – 1903.
2. Nguyen, TH et al. “Long-term outcomes of lumbar fusion among worker’s compensation subjects.” Spine (2010); 20: 1– 11.

The post Phantom Brain Pain – “The Doctor is Missing Something” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Phantom Brain Pain – “The Doctor is Missing Something” appeared first on Back in Control.

Hey David,

I was hoping I could ask you a surgery question. I know you do a lot of revisions.

There’s a guy who came to me in early 2014. He could not sit, lie down, walk or do anything to get relief from terrible pain. I referred him to a colleague who is a McKenzie certified therapist (emphasizing extension of the spine). He couldn’t help him. The guy just didn’t know how to get through the system and I think his physician handled his case, from what I can tell, poorly. He was about a month from his onset when he first came to see me and he hadn’t even had an MRI. Anyway he wound up having a two level fusion right out of the gate. Are You Kidding Me? Not a microdiscectomy; straight to fusion for an L4/5 paracentral herniation (this is a bulging disc and probably not the source of pain). A year later he’s worse off than he was before the surgery and that’s saying a lot. Video: Get it Right the First Time

His surgeon keeps turfing him back to physical therapy because he just doesn’t know what to do with him but we can’t help him.

Other than the fact that he’s still in such bad shape how do you know when a revision is appropriate? As we know, you can always find someone willing to operate. I was talking with a patient the other day who seemed really down and when I asked her she said her daughter was going to have another back surgery. Number eleven!!! “The Pit of Despair”

This guy is only 32 years old and he lives every day in terrible pain. We just don’t know what to tell him other than we can’t help him. It’s so scary. What I’m going through is a mild nuisance compared to what this guy faces every single day. And I made it to 55 before my “problems” began.

Hope you’re well. I began doing some Qigong everyday a week or so ago. I think it’s been good for my mind. Best regards, Mike

My reply

Hi Mike, The data shows that when you perform surgery in the presence of chronic pain that there is a significant chance that you can induce chronic pain at the new surgical site.(1) Of course you can also make the pain worse at the site of the pain. You already know my thoughts about spine fusions. They simply do not work for LBP. I see this scenario every week and is maybe the biggest driving force in pursuing the DOC project. He is a classic person who would respond to the tools in Back in Control, but often patients are so angry that they are not open to anything. I have learned to simply let go hopefully they are open in the future. If he would be willing to read the book AND begin the expressive writing I would be happy to talk to him. Otherwise, I have learned that my conversation is not productive. Physical therapy is helpful, but as you know, is best combined with treating the other factors that affect pain. I am personally re-engaging with the writing/ active meditation at a much higher level along with the gym and a better diet. My knees are finally turning the corner. It has been very humbling and enlightening experience. I am glad to hear you are moving forward. Let me know if I can be of some specific help. Best regards, David

Mike’s unsettling answer

I’ll give it a shot. I’ve thought about it in the past but I just don’t know if he’ll go for it. When I first met him I had all kinds of alarm bells going off, as did my colleague Henry, about how the whole process was unfolding for this guy. And we both told him so.  But he just did the passive patient thing and allowed himself to be carried by the currents of a very unplanned plan of care that he had no capable point person guiding him on.

But at this point what’s he got to lose? As I say about so many of the changes I’ve undergone in my approach to all this; “There are no atheists in a foxhole”.

This whole process has been such a, I don’t know what to call it – a revelation to me. After becoming a physical therapist I became aware there are a lot of people living in chronic, unsolved pain out there. But once you’ve walked a mile in their shoes the numbers of people out there living like this guy becomes staggering and frightening. Like most people I always felt so bad about the people who died young but never really considered people who lived with pain every day. I would have a fleeting thought of “glad that’s not me” and would dread them turning up on my schedule because they made me feel so helpless. My god – the self-centeredness of that mindset. These people made me feel helpless.

I’ve come to believe that in many ways the guy who dies of cancer at age 32 is better off than this guy who, at age 32, has to live the rest of his life in the kind of pain he faces every day. And everything that goes with it: the economic insecurity of trying to live on a monthly disability check, the loneliness of not being able to take part in a life like the other members of his cohort lead, the horrible boredom of being unable to work, have a career and to be so limited physically.

The way I’ve come to feel about it now often makes me think of your remark about how the “certain inalienable rights” to which we are all entitled fell one short in not including a right to live without pain.

Speaking of which I’m really glad to hear your knees are getting better. Mike

Basic human needs

First, not being in pain is a basic human need along with food, air, water, etc. When any of these needs are unmet the human body’s reaction will be intense. Maslow’s Omission

Abraham Maslow was a prominent psychologist who chose to look at the reasons why people thrived in life. He developed a well-known “hierarchy of needs” that he presented as stacked rows shaped in a pyramid. The bottom row includes: air, food, water, sex, excretion, and sleep. The top of the pyramid is, “self-actualization. It is difficult if not impossible to progress up the pyramid until lower needs are met. One need that he did not mention was, “not being in pain.” It is my feeling that it is one of the basic needs that belongs on the bottom row. Your reaction of feeling trapped and angry is completely justified when they are unmet. That is why becoming pain free requires multiple strategies. You cannot just will yourself out of it with positive thinking or mind over matter. Your Personal Brain Scanner

Secondly, I have also felt that chronic pain can be worse than having a terminal illness. I clearly recall the intensity of my feelings when I did not have any hope the pain might end or when that might be. Being in constant mental or physical pain is one of life’s most difficult stressors. It’s paradoxical that a beautifully designed system intended to protect you can also cause so much grief. The crushing aspect of chronic pain is that there appears to be no escape or an end in sight.

The feeling of being trapped was familiar to Viktor Frankel, a famous Jewish psychiatrist who survived WWII concentration camps. He wrote a classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning. It is striking that in spite of the extreme physical hardships Frankel endured, for him the most difficult part of the ordeal was not knowing if and when it was going to end—which is similar if not identical to what patients in chronic pain experience.”

Finally, it is now well-documented in many research studies that not working is bad for your mental and physical health – really bad. (2) The human body is designed for survival and does not perform well when not challenged. Additionally it has been demonstrated that working and having a sense of purpose actually slows down the aging process at the cellular level.

Phantom Brain Pain

If you are reading this post with complete disdain for all of these ideas please understand you are experiencing one of the symptoms of a stressed and over-adrenalized nervous system – obsessive thought patterns. I call it “phantom brain pain.” Similar to phantom limb pain these spinning circuits don’t stop and are unpleasant. It appears that Mike’s patient may be in this situation.

It is also well-documented that your brain physically shrinks in the presence of chronic pain and fortunately re-expands with successful treatment. (3) Adrenaline may be a factor in that it diminishes the blood flow to your brain. This phenomenon affects your perceptions and reasoning. Anxiety, Anger and Adrenaline

Between a decreased brain mass, diminished brain blood flow, obsessive thought patterns that seem like your reality, and anxiety you may not have the mental capacity to process new concepts.  You also may not really want to heal and/or you just want to be fixed. The only chance you have is to begin to engage in some basic tools to break up these irrational thought patterns. It is well documented that writing down your actual thoughts has an effect on doing this. I call it, “mechanical meditation.” Write Your Way Out of Pain

My plea to you is simply pick up a pen or pencil and start spewing out any of your thoughts on paper and immediately tear them up. It can and will break through these circuits. Just do it.

1. Perkins, FM and H Kehlet. Chronic pain as an outcome of surgery. Anesthesiology (2000); 93: 1123-1133.
2. Waddell, G and Kim Burton. Is Work Good for Your Health and Well-Being? The Stationary Office, Norwich, UK, 2006.
3. Seminowicz DA, et al. Effective treatment of chronic low back pain in humans reverses abnormal brain anatomy and function. The Journal of Neurosci­ence (2011); 31: 7540-7550.

The post When will the Pain Stop? first appeared on Back in Control.

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