There is no reward for being vulnerable for any species of life from one-celled organisms to homo sapiens. Consequences are severe and often swift. It is never safe to be off-guard, and different species create ways to be safe. They need to replenish fuel to fight another day. For example, a dolphin sleeps with one eye open. Many species form protective groups. Consider the number of ways creatures hide or camouflage themselves. Many species simply have thousands of offspring, so a few will survive. When these strategies fail, the final phase is whatever aggressive response they have available to them. The more strength and power, the better.

The added dimension of language

Humans have language, which creates another level of issues around seeking safety. We possess abstract thinking that allows us to engage in the arts, create coordinated societal actions, and have complex relationships with others. We rose to the top of the food chain because of our capacity to cooperate with each other. We have a strong evolutionary need to have close connections and relationships. For example, being socially isolated or lonely has the same effect on your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.¹ Look how much effort is put into seeing close friends and family during the holidays. We want to be with each other and the closer the better.

But one of the most perverse aspects of being human, is that successful thriving relationships require vulnerability and trust. These traits are the antithesis of feeling safe. Additionally, emotional/ mental pain is processed in a similar manner as physical pain.² “You hurt my feelings” and You broke my heart” reflect this phenomenon. So, we don’t like pain in any form, yet we have to become vulnerable in order to have deep and satisfying relationships. It is a huge problem, and it is not playing out well for the human race.

By definition, every interaction with another person requires taking a risk of being rejected or hurt. Even checking out at the grocery store involves trusting him or her to accurately document your purchases and help you with your bags. It is nice if they are in a good mood and are friendly. But what if they are having a bad day? Then there are deeper relationships such as being on a team, doing a project together, starting up any type of relationship, and living together. Being rejected at some level of the interaction is not only common, but also the rule. As you become more and more trusting, at some tipping point the level of vulnerability for that relationship will be reached, and one person will pull back or even reject it.

Your options

At this point, your choices are to 1) quit taking risks associated with interacting with others 2) engage but experience social anxiety 3) use whatever power you possess to control others 4) learn to be vulnerable. Since we don’t inherently possess the ability to feel vulnerable, the other less functional strategies are more commonly utilized.

Some form of anger is universal. Why? It keeps you safe. It protects you from both emotional and physical pain. Even if you don’t actually have the power to change the situation, you may feel like you do. Raw anxiety is intolerable and why we hold on to anger.

Why let go of anger?

• The main reason is that you simply cannot heal or thrive when you remain angry. The essence of healing is normalizing your body’s neurochemical state to that of a safety profile, which is profoundly restorative. If your whole system remains fired up, how can that happen? It can’t and won’t.
• Your brain structurally adapts to your focus of attention. You cannot move forward until you let go of the past, especially your deepest wounds. Most people in chronic pain remain angry at the situations or people who have harmed them. The more legitimate your gripe, the harder it is to move on. But how does holding on to the past make your life more enjoyable?
• Anger is destructive, as it is supposed to be. It’s your body’s last ditch effort to escape threat. It is destructive in every direction, including self-destruction. It is the reason why many people completely neglect every aspect of their health. It is tantamount to slow suicide.
• Anger is abusive and destroys relationships. The key element of successful human interactions is awareness of your needs and others’ needs. How else can you constructively interact with those close to you? Anger completely blocks awareness.
• Anger destroys families. Human consciousness evolved through language and social interactions. The ability to cooperate took homo sapiens from the bottom to the top of the food chain. The need for human connection is deep. Unfortunately, close connections are also the strongest triggers. Why would you ever be unkind to someone you care for so much? Why is the incidence of domestic abuse so high? It is maybe the most disturbing paradox of our human existence.
• Anger is the manifestation of the fight mode of the survival response. All organ systems are affected. The blood supply to your gut, bladder, and the frontal lobes of your brain diminishes and is shunted to your heart, lungs, and skeletal muscles. You can’t think clearly, although it might feel like you can. It is critical to, “Take no action in a reaction.”

Interacting with others involves taking the risk of being rejected or even hurt. There are physical risks, such as trusting a business partner who might run off with your money. What about your partner or spouse, who takes off with another person? These are deep ones, but simply reaching out to another person in friendship creates some level of anxiety.

Train your brain

You can use avoidance, suffer from chronic social anxiety, or resort to power and control to feel safe. The healthiest and most satisfying option is learning to be vulnerable and process rejection. In other words, being with anxiety. Being or feeling rejected is inherent to relationships, and unless you understand this, your world will become progressively smaller. Training yourself to lower your threat physiology (anxiety) instead of fighting it allows you to navigate life more easily. BTW, social connections are anti-inflammatory and lower anxiety.³ Addressing social anxiety is a bi-directional process. You can nurture joy, more easily interact with others, feel safer, and create the life you desire.

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References

1. Cigna US Loneliness Index. Cigna: 2018.
2. Eisenberger N. “The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain.” Psychosom Med (2012); 74: 126-135.
3. Dantzer R, et al. Resilience and immunity. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity (2018); 74:28-42.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbi.2018.08.010

The post Social Anxiety – Vulnerability Doesn’t Feel Safe first appeared on Back in Control.

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• They are, first of all, the same entity. Anxiety is the sensation generated by your autonomic nervous system’s response to a threat. Stress hormones and inflammatory proteins are elevated and when a given situation doesn’t resolve (chronic pain), more of these molecules are secreted in an effort to regain control. The result is anger, which is anxiety with a neurochemical chemical kick. It is a response to the environment and not primarily a psychological issue.
• Anxiety and Anger are universal, powerful and necessary for life. You are not going to get rid of them.
• Anxiety represents a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness. The intention is to be so unpleasant that it compels us to take action to decrease it. So, we are hard-wired to avoid this emotion at all costs. In nature, there are significant penalties for being vulnerable.
• Anger feels powerful and is often effective in regaining control. It is a rapid response that solves or masks anxiety. It also gives you the extra boost to resolve a threat.
• But what happens to your thinking when you are angry? The blood flow to the frontal lobes of your brain is diminished, the inflammatory proteins in your brain sensitize you to sensory input, and much of your reaction emanates from the more primitive centers of your brain. You are flooded with a barrage of angry, intense, and irrational thoughts. It is temporary insanity.

• Anger both masks the feeling of anxiety and also turbocharges the system, which created it.

Reasons to forgive

There are numerous reasons to process and let go of your anger.

• The main one is that you simply cannot heal when you remain angry. The essence of healing is normalizing your body’s neurochemical state to that of a safety profile, which is profoundly restorative. If you whole system is fired up and remains so, how can that happen? It can’t and won’t. You can improve somewhat without forgiveness, but the deep healing can’t occur until you can calm down and truly let go.
• Another core concept of solving pain is stimulating neuroplastic changes in your brain. You physically can cause your brain to change its structure based on where you place your attention (suppression doesn’t work). That means you have to move towards your vision of what you would like your life to be like instead of continually trying to fix your prior life. You cannot move forward until you let go of the past, especially your deepest wounds. Most people in chronic pain remain angry at the situations or people who have harmed them. The more legitimate your gripe, the harder it is to move on. But how does holding onto the past make your life more enjoyable.
• Anger is destructive, as it is supposed to be. It your body’s last ditch effort to escape threat. It is destructive in every direction, including self-destructive. It is the reason why many people completely neglect every aspect of their health. It is tantamount to slow suicide.
• Anger is abusive. It also destroys relationships. The key element of successful human interactions is awareness of your needs and others’ needs. How else can you constructively interact with those close to you. Anger completely blocks awareness at every level.
• Anger destroys families. We evolved language and the human consciousness through language and social interactions. It is ability to cooperate that took homo sapiens from the bottom to the top of the food chain. There is a deep need for human connection. Unfortunately, close family connections are also the strongest triggers. Why would you ever be unkind to someone you care for so much? Why is the incidence of domestic abuse so high? It is maybe the most disturbing paradox of our human existence.

• When you are angry, you are in the fight mode of the survival response of fight, flight, freeze, or faint. Your body’s response is to mobilize every resource to survive. The blood supply to your gut, bladder, and the frontal lobes of your brain diminishes and is shunted to your heart, lungs, and skeletal muscles. You can’t think clearly, although it might seem like you are. That is why it is so critical to, “take no action in a reaction.”
• The problem is that this reaction that blocks awareness also blocks the creativity needed to constructively solve the problem. It really does represent temporary insanity.
• Forgiveness is the most powerful and definitive move that you can make to take charge of your life. It is actually a selfish and bold act. You are no longer allowing someone you dislike (despise) continue to be in your head and run your life. You don’t have to like this person–ever. You are just breaking the link between the past and present.
• I often asked my patients that what is your day like when you are angry? Forget about your pain. It isn’t a great day. So regardless whether you are in pain or not, anger will compromise your capacity to enjoy your day. You are in Hell and you may be so used to being there that you might not even know it. Take a deep breath and think about this scenario for a while………

Why hold onto anger?

It keeps you safe. It protects you from both emotional and physical pain. There are few, if any, rewards in nature for being vulnerable and humans are part of this reality. In essence, you are being asked to give up your anger so you can experience anxiety. Raw anxiety is an unpleasant feeling. It is this interaction that may be the root cause of why it is commonly thought that you cannot really be open for change until you “hit bottom.” In other words, the anxiety is so out of control that it can no longer be contained by either functional or dysfunctional means.

So, it is not an unwillingness to give up anger that is the problem. It is inability to feel and tolerate vulnerability. That is why a critical aspect of The DOC Journey is the sequencing that allows you to learn tools that allow you to feel safe. You will learn how to regulate your body’s neurochemical reaction to both internal and external threats. Each person is unique and has to engage with the process on his or her own terms.

One of the antidotes to anxiety/ anger is control. But another one is to give up the need for control. That is what the whole DOC Journey is about–awareness, calming down, stimulating neuroplasticity, letting go, moving towards a vision, and enjoying your life. You can’t fix chronic pain, but you can crowd it out of your brain and life.

What do you want? What do you really want? Don’t try. Do it!!

The post Forgiveness–The Continental Divide of Freedom and Hell first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Forgiveness–The Continental Divide of Freedom and Hell appeared first on Back in Control.

There is an intense relationship between anxiety and anger. Understanding this interaction is perhaps one of the most important concepts that will have a major impact in calming down your nervous system.

• The are first of all, the same entity. Anxiety is the sensation generated by your autonomic nervous system’s response to a threat. Stress hormones are elevated and when a given situation doesn’t resolve (chronic pain), more of these chemicals are secreted in an effort to regain control. The result is anger, which is anxiety with a chemical kick.
• Anxiety and Anger are universal. Few human beings are able to rise above them because they are survival emotions.
• Anxiety represents a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness. The intention is to be so unpleasant that it compels us to take action to decrease it. So, we are hard-wired to avoid this emotion at all costs.
• Anger feels powerful. It is a fast, effective response that masks anxiety. It also gives you the extra boost to assist you in solving the problem that is causing your anxiety.

The Disconnect of Anger

But what happens to your thinking when you are angry? The blood flow to the frontal lobes of your brain is diminished and you are flooded with a barrage of angry, irrational thoughts. It is temporary insanity.

• Anger both masks the feeling of anxiety and turbocharges the negative circuits that produce it.

Give Up Your Anger?

Not only is it deadly for your quality of life, but the interaction between anger and anxiety makes treatment difficult. In essence, you are being asked to give up your anger so you can experience anxiety. Raw anxiety is an unpleasant feeling. It is this interaction that may be the root cause of why it is commonly thought that you cannot really be open for change until you “hit bottom.” In other words, the anxiety is so out of control that it can no longer be contained by either functional or dysfunctional means.

I often asked my patients that what is your day like when you are angry? Forget about your pain. It isn’t a great day. So regardless whether you are in pain or not, anger will compromise your capacity to enjoy your day. You are in Hell and you may be so used to being there that you might not even know it. Take a deep breath and think about this scenario for a while………

Video: Anger Fueled Anxiety – “The Highway to Hell.”

The post Anger and Anxiety–Highway to Hell first appeared on Back in Control.

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