The title of this song¹ is a common way many of us deal with adversity. However, it encompasses both halves of the “ironic effect” and the actual well-documented outcome of this approach to life is more worry and sadness.

What is “the ironic effect” and how does it work?

There two aspects of it.

First, it is well known that if you suppress unpleasant thoughts, not only will they become stronger, but there is also a trampoline effect where they become much stronger.² We often joke about it, but it is serious problem that disrupts your quality of life, drives fight or flight physiology, and causes many symptoms, illnesses, and diseases. “Don’t worry” is thought suppression.

Secondly, and less known, is that setting high ideals and standards for yourself  will take you down in the other direction. For example, if you strive for happiness, you will experience sadness. If you allow sadness, you will be happier.³ So, the higher your ideals and intentions, the higher your chances of being riddled by anxiety.

Why does this phenomenon occur? The answer lies in the massive impact of the unconscious survival brain compared to the limited power of the conscious brain. Your unconscious brain processes about 40 million bits of information per second compared to your conscious brain dealing with about 40 per second. It is a million times stronger. Let’s look at the problem of “being happy.”

The pursuit of happiness

“Happy” is a conscious construct. The problem is that your conscious brain is no match for your survival reactions that evolved to be so unpleasant as to compel us to take actions to survive. The data shows that by trying to outrun or compensate for your stresses by pursuing pleasure, you’ll cause a highly inflammatory reaction. Your DNA dictates the production of destructive inflammatory cells call, “warrior monocytes” that attack your own tissues in addition to bacteria, viruses, and other foreign invaders.⁴ The sensation generated by this inflammatory response is anxiety.

Another aspect of this ironic effect is that by pursuing happiness, you’ll worry about the ways you might not achieve it. You have set a largely unconscious standard of what happy is for you. As you monitor your happiness, you are in ongoing self-judgmental mode that wears you down.

Happy is also a label, which is a core cognitive distortion.⁵ What is it and how encompassing is it? What percent of the time do you have to be in a happy state to label yourself as “happy?” What activities and accomplishments are required to reach your criteria? How do you react when daily challenges interrupt this state of mind?

Philosophers and psychologists have viewed attachment as the root of suffering. Anthony DeMello has a concise definition of it.⁶ If something feels good you want more and if it is unpleasant, you want less. Being attached to “happy” will paradoxically increase your suffering. The most well-intentioned people are the most subject to the ironic effect in that the higher their ideals, the greater the chance they’ll be riddled with racing thoughts and anxiety.

“Don’t worry?”

We all know the problems that occur when you try not think about something. One classic paper was published in 1987,² The Paradoxical Effects of Thought Suppression.” Again, more well-intentioned people will suppress a higher percent of “unacceptable” thoughts and also give meaning to them. They are just thoughts but will become more powerful as they keep being interpreted as good or bad.

Repetitive Unpleasant Thoughts  (RUT’s) are universal. When you have a bizarre, even unspeakable thought, of course you would suppress it. Why wouldn’t you?  It has nothing to do with anything about you or your value system. As it arises again and again, it is instantly suppressed.  Eventually suppression becomes automatic, which is called repression. Seems pretty normal, right? Except what happens is that your nervous system inadvertently gave this random thought a tremendous amount of power. Every time that thought is suppressed/ repressed, that neurological circuit has been reinforced. These circuits become stronger and connected with more experiences.⁷ Eventually, you may end up spending a lot of mental energy dealing with these anxiety-producing, disruptive thought(s). As you feel trapped and frustrated, these circuits are driven even harder from your brain being inflamed.

These disruptive thoughts become your “demons.” They are not your demons. They are the opposite of who you are and who you are not. My term for these irrational, non-responsive neurological patterns are “robots”. You cannot deal with a robot. You cannot talk to it or reason with it. There is absolutely nothing that can be done from a rational standpoint to change an unresponsive neurological circuit. In fact, when you discuss your demons and try to figure out why they are there, you are firing up and adding even morecomplexity to the circuits. They become even stronger and you can’t unlearn them. How do you “unlearn” to ride a bike? You can’t. They really are RUT’s.

Allow worry?

No one wants to talk about the existence of RUT’s because they are so disruptive, and often feel shameful. The initial step is to understand the nature of the problem and realize that these thoughts are emanating from your unconscious brain. You must separate your identity from them. They are just thoughts, are also universal, and you don’t have to personally identify with them.

The unpleasant emotions connected with them are your body’s physiology responding to the perceived threats. Remember, they are actually the opposite of who you are as a well-meaning person.

Fortunately, there are solutions that have been known for centuries, but don’t seem to be readily apparent in our modern world. The principles revolve around allowing yourself to be with your painful emotions, use strategies to calm down your threat physiology, and then choose joy. With repetition you’ll reprogram your survival reactions into more pleasant alternatives. As emotional pain is processed in similar regions of the brain as physical pain, it hurts.⁸ Professional support and direction are often needed.

Joy

Choosing joy is different than positive thinking, which is another form of thought suppression. It entails having a positive outlook, “taking the hits,” and consistently making positive choices. But you can’t make the positive choices without knowing where you are at in the moment. “What you can feel, you can heal.”⁹ As you learn to be with your mental pain instead of fighting it, these unpleasant circuits will become less active. It is similar to any skill that fades without practice.

Be with worry and choose happy. Learning skills to accomplish this allows you rise above your “RUT’s” and live a more enjoyable life.

References:

1. McFerrin, Bobby. Released 1988; Number 1 single from album Simple Pleasures.

1. Wegener, D.M., et al. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1987); 53: 5-13.
2. Wegner D. The Seed of Our Undoing. Psychological Science Agenda, January/February, 1999, 10-11.
3. Cole SW, et al. Social regulation of gene expression in human leukocytes. Genome Biology (2007); 8:R189. doi:10.1186/gb-2007/8/9/R189
4. Burns, David. Feeling Good. Avon Books, Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1999.

6. DeMello, Anthony, The Way to Love. Double Day, New York, NY, 1992.
7. Mansour AR, et al. Chronic pain: The role of learning and brain plasticity. Restorative Neurology and Neuroscience (2014); 32:129-139. DOI 10.3233/RNN-139003
8. Eisenberger NI, et al An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection. Pain (2006); 126:132-138.
9. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1992.

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• Our view of the world and our place in it is programmed in from the moment we are born.
• It becomes reinforced with age. Our relationship with food is a core example.
• Like many aspects of our life, we mentally punish ourselves if we don’t stick to our ideal of a healthy diet.
• Use your relationship to food as a way of looking at how you relate to life. Choose joy!

Our view of the world and of ourselves is programmed by our entire life experience from the time of birth until this present moment. Most of it originates from the messaging that society, parents, relatives, friends, and colleagues feed to us about who we should or not be or doing. We end up being the product of everyone else’s perceptions. “Should thinking”  is a cognitive distortion. We are our programming and not particularly connected to the core of who we are.

Your “life lens”

Neuroscience research on consciousness has also shown that thoughts and concepts become as concretely embedded in our brains as any object such as a car or a house.¹ The summation of all this input becomes our unique “life lens” that is continually being reinforced. If your new data agrees with your views, they are reinforced. If it contradicts your life concepts, you’ll reject it, and it has been shown to strengthen the position even more. The marketing term for this phenomenon is, “reactance.”² You may have noticed that facts rarely change anyone’s mind. The only option is if you choose to be become aware of your life lens and change it. Unfortunately, change creates anxiety, and we resist it.

The mental construct of who we are and our place in the world is projected onto others in the form of judgements, with a good share of them being negative. We call this “self-esteem.”

Rigidity around food (and life)

We all must eat and each of us has our personal relationship with food. We develop belief systems based on our best summation of a lot of information. Then with time and repetition it often becomes an entrenched belief system. Here is where the trouble lies. If you have a certain fixed belief system in any domain of life, your brain spends a lot of energy correlating ongoing input with it. Our need to eat arises from our powerful unconscious brain and the drive is unending and powerful. Your rational brain is weak (a million times so) in comparison, and you’ll quickly experience “cognitive fatigue”³ trying to stick with a rigid diet. Why?

So, you have an “ideal” of what you should be eating every time you are exposed to food. If you act in accordance with your internal standards, you have control, and you are happy. What about when you “fail.” Consistent with many other aspects of our lives, we become self-critical. “I should be eating this way”, or “I shouldn’t have eaten this. You now feel badly. The more rigid and higher your “standards”, the more of your energy you’ll be expending, and you’ll fatigue. The brain consumes 20-25% of all of your body’s fuel.⁴ This ongoing sense of “failing” and mental self-criticism is a significant factor why many of us experience a “yo-yo” diet and it is challenging to maintain weight loss.

Then look at the other areas of your life that you are self-critical and remorseful. Your job, parenting, missed opportunities, skill level, accomplishments, and this list is infinite. We are generally programmed by “not being good enough.”

Food as an opportunity to choose joy

Your relationship to food is a wonderful opportunity to flip this paradigm. There are two parts. The first is to be kind to yourself regardless of your “performance.” Each of us can only do the best we can based on our skill sets and levels of stress. So, anytime you “fail” in meeting your standards of eating, always give yourself a break. Then the key to healing is awareness. It doesn’t matter whether you are being judgmental or trying not to be. Either energy reinforces judgment. Awareness allows you to create some distance between you and this reaction and eventually it will lower in intensity and maybe even almost disappear (it can’t ever completely resolve).

Then as you watch your relationship to food, you can choose to enjoy your meal regardless of what it consists of. It is somewhat perverse that the unhealthiest food is the most satisfying. What will happen, as you train your brain to stop reacting, is that you will have more energy to live your life in a more proactive enjoyable manner and actually eat better.

Eating and cognitive distortions

Consider why the alternative of negative reinforcement around eating beliefs detracts from your capacity to enjoy life. Many of the resultant thoughts around not eating right are cognitive distortions as described in David Burn’s book, Feeling Good.⁵ Since we have to deal with food daily, there is no end to them, and it is one of the ways your body’s physiology remains in a threat state. What are some of the distortions?

• “Should” thinking
• Labeling – “I am failure because I had a donut.
• Catastrophizing – viewing an event as having a major effect when in reality it has little effect on your life. For example, you may have chosen to have a vegan diet, but having an occasional hamburger is not going to affect your overall health.
• All or nothing thinking – seeing things in terms of absolutes.

These are distortions that exist in all aspects of our lives. The opportunity lies using food to highlight them and observe how they play out in other arenas. It is much different observing our judgmental nature than fighting it or trying to fix it. There is also no endpoint or logical conclusion to endless self-criticism. When do you get to truly live the life you want?

So, what is the alternative? Choose joy. Regardless of what you are eating or how much, choose joy. That also means making the choice to remain aware and watch the negative thought patterns march through. Eventually, as your focus continues to remain on nurturing joy, it will also work in nurturing you. Paradoxically, you may simply notice how much better you feel when you eat more healthfully, and it becomes easier to make better choices.

“Love yourself”

Here is one small story in how this can work. I have a close friend who has wanted to lose some weight for a while. He engaged in the usual dieting approaches such as counting calories, trying to eat more healthfully, avoiding junk food, and exercising more frequently. These are great things to do, but when he failed, he would mentally beat himself up. The outcome was the usual yo-yo weight loss with the end result being frustrated in addition to not losing weight. He made the decision to “love himself” regardless of his dietary patterns. He lost 15 pounds in 6 months and maintained it. This is just one story but consider how our general approach to food can detract from our capacity to enjoy life.

I am not saying that a healthy diet isn’t desirable. In fact, a healthy anti-inflammatory diet can dramatically improve your health and sense of well-being. It is a significant factor in decreasing mental and physical pain. What I am saying is that focusing on nurturing yourself as opposed to mentally punishing yourself when you fail to meet your dietary standards (or any other ones) allows you have higher chance of eating better. Additionally feeling content with who you today are is anti-inflammatory.

Recap

Rigidity around food is a powerful metaphor for rigidity in other aspects of your life. Food is an opportunity to learn strategies to lower anxiety in order to not need to me in so much control. The stress generated from “failing to meet your internal standards” not only detracts from your capacity to enjoy life but is inflammatory and damaging to your health.

The essence of healing is minimizing your time in inflammatory threat physiology and increasing your exposure to safety. An anti-inflammatory diet contributes to healing, but ongoing self-criticism is a form of anger, which is highly inflammatory. Why not love yourself first, regardless of your behaviors? Many of them are not ideal, but how does it help you to mentally beat yourself up? You don’t have to like many of them. However, we all are doing the best we can with what we have been given.

Choosing to enjoy the experience of eating creates an energy that carries into other arenas of your life. You get to practice daily (sometimes all day). Enjoying your life also changes your body’s chemistry to safety, you’ll react less, think more clearly, and make better choices about food. Then there is the added benefit of your diet being less inflammatory and you’ll feel even better.

Questions and considerations

1. You might feel that this article is not relevant to you. You may not care about eating a healthy diet. Consider that maybe you don’t care about your health. You are used to feeling badly, don’t see any hope, and have given up. This is “The Abyss.” Being aware that you are in this spot is the first step in healing. Don’t give up, and please start your healing journey.
2. Have you considered that being more focused on your beliefs about diet might detract from enjoying your meal? Having rigid belief systems about life is also tedious and eventually wears you down. There is not much room to nurture joy.
3. Food is a basic defined need and your relationship to it becomes deeply embedded in your unconscious mind with repetition. It is easy to see and becoming aware of its impact will allow you to address other aspects of your life.
4. Remember, a healthy diet is better, but self-criticism is a bigger issue. Why not address both?

References

1. Feldman-Barrett, Lisa. How Emotions are Made. Mariner Books, Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2017.
2. Berger, Jonah. The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2020.
3. Kahneman, Daniel. Thinking Fast and Slow. Farrar, Strauss and Giroux, New York, NY, 2011.
4. Xu J, and S Xu. Possible reason for the high metabolic rate in neurons of a brain. Austin Jrn of Women’s Health (2018); 5:1031.
5. Burns, David. Feeling Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1980, 1999.

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• Long term change always occurs in small steps and requires persistence.
• The reason is that our behaviors today are programmed by our entire past life experiences.
• Most of your reactions are automatic, in your subconscious brain, and beyond rational control.
• However, you can reprogram your unconscious by repetition and creating more functional and enjoyable responses.
• Just start.

Many, if most of us, live our lives by endlessly dealing with challenges and then enjoying ourselves when we can. We often don’t have the time or energy to make decisions and choices to experience what we wanted when we graduated from high school. What happened to those dreams?

So, we spend a lot of time reacting to our circumstances instead of creating the life that we want. The problem is that any time you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to some unpleasant event from the past that was kicked up by the present. That is how every living creature survives.

We learn what is safe versus threatening and attempt to live our lives in a range that is neutral or safe. It is also well known that avoiding danger is a stronger driving force for behaviors than seeking safety. In addition to avoiding physical danger, humans strive to avoid mental threats, which have the same impact on your nervous system and body. Research has shown that the physiological responses are the same.¹ But since we cannot escape from our thoughts, all of us have some level of a constantly activated nervous system that wears us down. We have discussed many ways de-energize this process.

Then the other part of healing is moving into the part of your brain that experiences pleasure and is safe. It is a process and an acquired skill. Like becoming a virtuoso violinist, it requires repetition to make it a habit. It is again the only way to affect your subconscious brain.

ReaCtive to Creative

If you take the letter “C” out of the middle of the word, “reactive”, you have the word, “creative.” If you can create some space between your stress and reaction, you can substitute a more rational response and with repetition, your brain physically changes (neuroplasticity). A foundational step is the expressive writing, which creates space

Creating structure to organize your life lowers your stresses. You see them more clearly and make better proactive decisions. It also creates some “space” and perspective. If you can’t see all the aspects of a problem, it is harder to solve. Then you can create small behavioral changes that become habitual.

While an important aspect of this journey out of pain is to learn and adopt an organizational system, at the same time it seems overwhelming. So, the first step is to “do something” – anything. You may not have the energy to figure out what you really want at this point. But just get started.

Begin–anywhere

Start small – very small. I presented a template of a personal “business plan” earlier in this leg of the journey. You may have felt that you don’t have the bandwidth to do this or you just can’t do it. Don’t worry about it. Just do something (anything) to start the process. Here are some suggestions and whatever works for you is the key.

• Take piece of paper every morning and write down one optional goal of something you want to accomplish. Just one. It may as simple as staying out of bed for 15 minutes longer than normal.
• Then write down five things you might do to create more order in your life.
• It might resemble your normal to-do list, but it is a more thoughtful set of actions.
• One of the “to do” items could be creating some time for your self-care.
• What routine might you create to center yourself and connect with the day – with or without your pain?

Evolution of the process

 The personal business plan will evolve at some point. As you begin to change your behaviors and heal, your energy will increase.

• Sit down and do a “brain dump.”
• Don’t try to organize it.
• Over time you can begin to “sculpt” and refine it.
• Take time out of the equation. It will only create anxiety–and more pain.
• Try to avoid in making massive changes. You will only become frustrated when you can’t achieve lasting change.

Be kind to yourself

 You will “fail” many times in this process except it is not failure. It’s life. If you look at the Dynamic Healing model, we know that on some days, your stresses are overwhelming, or your nervous system is on high alert from lack of sleep. You will quickly go into flight or fight physiology and not feel great. Your pain usually increases. It is easy to be self-critical in that you were not able to accomplish what you “should” be doing. “Should” thinking is one of David Burn’s ten cognitive distortions² that drains your energy. Simply recognizing the distortion will allow you to let it go and move on.

Whatever you do, get back to the place where you can separate from your self-critical voice (can’t control it), and treat yourself with the respect and compassion that you deserve.

Recap

Since your body’s first responsibility is to keep you alive by being alert for danger, it is the powerful default program of your brain. I refer to this process as having a “personal brain scanner.”

You cannot go from reactive to creative without utilizing repetition to change the subconscious brain. Just having a vague idea of what you want to create is the starting point. Your brain will continue to develop and evolve wherever you place your attention, similar to learning any new skill. The skill you want to acquire is how to live an enjoyable life and it doesn’t happen by continually trying to fix your prior one. Consistently considering what you really want out of life and steadily working towards it  is one of the most critical aspects of breaking loose from the grip of chronic pain. But be nice to yourself when you “fail.”

Questions and considerations

1. Do you ever wonder why it is so difficult to live up to your best intentions? It’s because there is a gross mismatch between your rational brain and powerful subconscious one.
2. Your subconscious brain is the product of a lifetime of programming. Most of us were not provided methods of how to program our nervous system in the direction we desire.
3. Remember that your hopes and dreams are a rational construct that cannot be manifested without embedding implementation tools into your subconscious brain.
4. It is also the reason we can rarely keep New Year’s resolutions. We are mentally taking on a lot without a process to bring them alive.
5. People will sometimes make dramatic and lasting changes in response to a major crisis. You don’t need to wait for that to happen in order to move forward.
6. Take control of your life now with persistent small steps and let your brain evolve in the direction you choose.

References

1. Eisenberger NI, et al. An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection. Pain (2006); 126:132-138. doi: 10.1016/j.pain.2006.06.024
2. Burns David. Feeling Good. Harper Collins. New York, NY, 1999.

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I personally used the book extensively for many years, and the three-column technique was a major factor in pulling me out of my free fall. In 1997, I realized that it was a tool I could use in my own practice, and I liked using it because it was so much faster than trying to get someone to see a pain psychologist. They could engage almost instantly and often aggressively. This book was the entire component of the stress management  for the DOC Project for many years. I originally told my patients that if they could obtain some stress management skills, they would cope with it better. I was surprised to see many patients report both a better quality of life and a significant decrease in pain. However, it was puzzling to me why some patients would respond so much better than others. It eventually became clear that the patients who did well were the ones who participated in the writing process. The results have been consistent. Patients who commit to a daily writing process, based on the suggestions in the book always have a significant response.

His book is a wonderful book, but I have them initially read only the first third of the book to get started in the “three-column technique.” He outlines ten “errors in thinking.” They cover the range of cognitive distortions. We all use them a lot, as that is how we were raised. Some of the categories he describes are:

• “Should” thinking
• Catastrophizing
• Labeling
• Minimizing the positive
• Emphasizing the negative
• Emotional reasoning

In the first column you write down your “ANT”.  That stands for “automatic negative thought. This step represents the first step of stimulating neuroplasticity, which is increasing the awareness of the disruptive thought.

Then you write down the “error in thinking” that the thought represents in the second column. As you categorize the thought and understand the effect it has on your peace of mind, it separates you from it.

In the third column you write down the more rational thought. The more specific you are the better. This is the phase of burning a new circuit.

For example, your son may have just flunked a test. Your first response might be, “He is lazy and stupid.” You would  write those thoughts down in the first column. In the second column you would note that represents “labeling”. In the third column you might write, “My son just flunked a test. I wonder why. Is he being bullied at school? Could he be depressed? I am going to try to find out what is going on.” Positive thinking would be represented by, “He isn’t lazy.  He is my son and I love him.” That might be it. Except, without writing the more specific rational response, your thoughts might start spinning around. By the time you actually talk to him, you might not be in a great frame of mind.

The technique is effective for most people and it certainly was for me. The key to keep in mind is that the writing is only a starting point in the healing journey.

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