The worst part of my ordeal was the mental pain and being bombarded with unpleasant and intrusive thoughts. It was the most disturbing aspect of it all and the more I did battle with them, the more intense they became. I had already slipped into an “internal OCD” (obsessive compulsive disorder) five years earlier. It  manifested with repetitive disturbing thoughts that I countered with positive thoughts. Internal OCD does not have external characteristics such as hand washing and counting.

I had begun the expressive writing about six months earlier with a lot of success. My anxiety and other physical symptoms had diminished but I was still struggling on many fronts.

“I am a victim”

On Mother’s Day of 2002, I suddenly realized what being a victim entailed and saw that I was deeply enmeshed inthat role. Up to that point, I had no idea that I was even angry. I was just “right” and “frustrated.” But since I had so many legitimate reasons for feeling this way, I never considered myself as angry. In fact, my concept was that I had dealt with anger and had moved on. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I felt a deep shift and over the next six weeks, more of my physical symptoms began to resolve, with the most unexpected one being that the ringing in my ears (tinnitus) decreased dramatically. After 25 years of dealing with it, I had assumed that it was a permanent symptom. However, many of the disturbing thoughts persisted and were interfering with my capacity to enjoy my life. I felt stuck.

The circus mirrors

One day, I suddenly had an image of myself standing in front of the kind of reflecting mirrors that you see in the circus. I was staring at repeating versions of  myself, going into infinity. I could see the battle playing out in my brain – a disruptive thought followed by a  counterthought – without an end. This had been playing out in me for years. I realized that there was nothing I could do and I “gave up.” I had reached a point where I had to let go. I truly became deeply discouraged yet at the same time, this realization was accompanied by a deep physical feeling of release. I was perplexed.

I continued to use all the tools of writing, mindfulness, forgiveness, etc. But with my new outlook, I began to move forward with my life and within six months most of my physical and mental symptoms (Including the obsessive thoughts) had dramatically abated. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it turned out that letting go and moving on was the definitive answer. This was well before I understood the concepts of neuroplasticity. Your brain develops whereveryou place your attention and I had been reinforcing the problem by trying to fix it.

Take a break

My patients and I frequently discuss the idea of taking a break from The DOC Journey. They have been diligent in reading, writing, not discussing their pain or medical care, meditating, processing anger, and even working hard at play. But they continued to be frustrated because, even though their pain had diminished, their anxiety levels remained too high, upsetting thoughts continued to bombard them, and they still didn’t have the quality of life that would allow them to thrive.

Perfectionism came into play in that he or she wanted to be the best student and really do it right. But the harder they worked at it, their neurologic energy was still directed at themselves. Inadvertently, by stimulating neuroplastic changes towards the problem, they were reinforcing these unpleasant neurological circuits.

Remember that the victim role (including perfectionism) is so powerful, you will never want to give it up – even afteryou have felt how free you can be. It is too strong of a survival need. The  decision to let go of the victim role is a day-by-day decision, sometimes a minute-by-minute one. Being triggered is inherent to being alive, and you have to decide if and when you want to let go, and when you are ready, just do it. I have not found an alternative and logic doesn’t work. I call it, “flipping the switch.”

Bill

Occasionally, at the end of an office visit, I asked my patient to sit in the exam room and not leave until they committed to “letting go” of the victim role. They may have sat for 10-20 minutes before they left. Walking out the door was symbolic of them stepping into their new life. It was surprising how effective that simple action could be.

Bill was a middle-aged, small-business owner who had been in chronic pain for over twenty years. He had done quite well with the DOC principles, along with the help of one my colleagues. One day Bill was triggered by one of his business partners and fell deeply back into the Abyss of pain and despair, to a depth he had not experienced before. He was becoming suicidal. Unfortunately for me—but fortunately for others— through my own experience, I gained extensive insights into suicide and realized that anger is what pounds your soul into the ground. Bill was in an extreme victim mode. I called him out on it during an extremely intense conversation. Although it was nerve wracking for both of us,  it clicked. He sat in the exam room for about half an hour.  When I saw him back a few months later, he was achanged man and re-entering the workforce.

A friend sent me this poem:

“She Just Let Go”

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the “right” reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,

She just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go….

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her day timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree,

She just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle.

It wasn’tgood, and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

–Rev. Safire Rose

This poem “She Just Let Go” by Reverend Safire Rose beautifully conveys the essence of The DOC Journey. Letting go is the simplest and simultaneously the most difficult aspect of the healing process. Our anger is powerful and often legitimate. We are accustomed to fixing others and ourselves, but our attention is still on our flaws and those of others. Too much attention to shortcomings inadvertently strengthens our unpleasant neurological circuits.

The DOC Journey provides guidance and tools to get to a place where you are able to let go. The freedom you will experience is remarkable. For me, it was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Watching people enter this realm is inspiring and is a major factor in motivating me to keep me moving forward with this project.

Reconnecting with Your True Self

On Saturday, November 6th, Dr. Les Aria, a friend of mine, and I are holding a workshop that is being hosted through The Open Center in New York. We will be discussing both the process of letting go using specific strategies to connect to the best part of who you are. The intention is for you to leave with a clear concept of the power of the unconscious survival mind, how to develop a “working relationship” with it, and move forward into the life you desire. Click this link to take a look at the course and register.

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I received this message from a person I have never met or communicated with. She had engaged in learning the tools to heal.

The key to healing mental and physical pain happen from learning two separate sets of skills. The first is separating identity from your necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them. The second is shifting your brain onto more enjoyable and functional circuits. You cannot experience play and joy will simultaneously fighting pain.

You also cannot heal your body, including your brain. It already knows how to heal, and the healing stories are nothing short of miraculous. But life itself is a miracle. Our conscious brain gets in the way and blocks healing. You only must believe your body can heal, let go, and allow it to occur. Her email is typical of what happens, and the healing is deep and transformative.

Not fixing yourself

One of the most difficult challenges is letting go of trying to fix yourself to rid yourself of the mental and physical pain. Why wouldn’t you? You are trapped in miserable place without an apparent way out. It is bad enough enduring the pain, but when you get angry about it, you have now doubled down, and your brain is really on fire. Dr. John Sarno, a famous physiatrist and author used the term “rage”.¹

Good Studio/AdobeStock

However, trying to solve the pain places your attention on it and reinforces it. But when you try not to think about your pain or distract yourself, the thought suppression inflames your brain even more. Either way, you are trapped. Specifically considering self-esteem, which is an endless set of judgments, trying not to be judgmental is impossible. Positive thinking is another form of suppression. Even reading self-help books is another way of staying focused on the problem. Even with my books, there is a tipping point where I recommend people stop reading them and focus on practicing and implementing the tools they have learned.

“Phantom Brain Pain”

There is the additional problem of thinking that something is being missed, and these thoughts become independent sets of circuits. They really are not responsive to reason, and the ongoing pursuit of reassurance only reinforces them. Along with all RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts), I call this phenomenon, “phantom brain pain.” In my mind, the same issues are in play as phantom limb pain, where the suffering is intense, and you cannot even touch the absent limb to calm yourself. How can this happen. The known “source” of pain is completely gone, and the patient still feels the limb and the pain. So, where does this pain exist?

The key to healing lies in separating from your racing necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them, and dynamically shifting your brain into more enjoyable and functional circuits – and letting go. You cannot experience play and joy while simultaneously fighting pain.

“I give up”

I vividly recall feeling like I was in the midst of a major battle with unpleasant thoughts. The mental pain was a much bigger problem than my physical symptoms. I was never bothered during surgery with them in that I was so focused on what I was doing. For a long time, I was also fine in clinic while I was connecting with my patients. Towards the end of my ordeal, even being at work did not help, and I was pummelled every two or three minutes with ever-increasing intense, intrusive, and vivid thoughts. Meanwhile, I was trying everything possible to deal with them, including working with a psychiatrist. Nothing helped and in fact, it all seemed make things worse. It was around this period where I came close to committing suicide.

One evening, I had read yet another self-help book and I had a flash of a vision that I was standing in front of a repeating circus mirror. I can still see it. It was about six feet high, and it was in a tent. I was looking at endless images of myself. At that time, I was doing what felt like hand-to-hand combat with my thoughts. I would have a disturbing thought, and then counter it with a “good” thought. I was wearing down quickly. I could see that there was no rational solution to these RUTs. I said to myself, “I can’t do this anymore and I quit.” I felt my identity was stripped down to nothing and felt there was little left of what I thought was me.

I honestly gave up and was not sure what I was going to do next. Instead of feeling despondent, I felt a strange sense of freedom, and it turned out that “giving up” the fight was the right answer. It was after that moment, things began to change for the better. I had much to learn, but at least I had inadvertently created some “space” in my brain to allow healing to begin.

Hope

This is a link to a collection of patients’ success stories that I call, “Stories of Hope.” Essentially everyone who is trapped in the Abyss of chronic pain is in a very dark place. Knowing you are not alone is important.

ipopba.AdobeStock

It is impossible to let go of “fixing” without the tools to accomplish it and also learning how to feel safe. You can’t force it and as per her email, you just have to keep moving forward, and it will happen when you are ready. I also wish for you that it happens sooner than later, but persistence is the key. You will learn to regulate your stress physiology and become much better at nurturing joy and creativity. Your behaviors become automatic, your skills will increase and improve, and you can let go and live your life.

References

1. Sarno, John. Mind Over Back Pain. Warner Books, New York, NY.

The post How healing happens first appeared on Back in Control.

The post How healing happens appeared first on Back in Control.

Thought suppression

Disturbing thoughts are universal. When you have a bizarre, even unspeakable thought, of course you would suppress it. Why wouldn’t you?  It has nothing to do with anything about you or your value system. Then, as it arises again and again, it is instantly suppressed.  Eventually the suppression of the thought is automatic. Seems pretty normal, right? Except what happened is that your nervous system inadvertently gave this random thought a tremendous amount of power. Every time that thought is suppressed, that neurological circuit has been reinforced. Over many years, this circuit becomes much stronger and becomes connected with more experiences. (2) Eventually, you may consciously or unconsciously end up spending a lot of mental energy dealing with this anxiety-producing, disruptive thought(s). As you have less success in controlling the ever-increasing and powerful thoughts, you will probably become frustrated, which drives the circuits even harder.

Another variation of this phenomenon is the development of obsessive thought patterns around “forbidden activities or topics.” (3) Just inadvertent  curiosity will stimulate barrages of thoughts. What is perverse is that it is the more well-intentioned person who is more subject to this sequence. This programming process is similar to an accomplished musician or artist learning their skill. It requires years of repetition to reach the highest level. Disruptive thoughts hit the nervous system like a machine gun without an endpoint.

Your reality – your thoughts

You might ask what is the big deal? These are just thoughts. Neuroscience research has demonstrated that thoughts are your version of reality, similar to learning a cat is a cat. Your brain has to unscramble sensory input from all receptors every second to define anything. Your eyes have no capacity to interpret anything. For example, if a person suffers a stroke of the occipital lobe at the back of the brain, they can’t see even though every other component of the visual system is functioning. The term is “cortical blindness.” This is true for all sensations. To develop consciousness, your nervous system has to interpret words, body language, tone of voice, visual cues, etc. for every thought to decide where it fits and what it means. Thoughts and concepts are embedded in the same way as physical reality. We are programmed by our past and the lens through which we interpret the present. As disruptive thoughts strengthen with repetition, they even become associated with physical reactions making them even more “real.” Every human has to deal with this problem of consciousness at some level. It is often overwhelming efforts to escape result in many untoward behaviors and acting out.

Demons

These disruptive thoughts become your “demons.” They are not your demons. They are irrational, non-responsive neurological patterns that I call “robots”. You cannot deal with a robot. You cannot talk to it or reason with it. There is absolutely nothing that can be done from a rational standpoint to change an unresponsive neurological pathway. In fact, when you discuss your demons and try to figure out why they are there, you are firing up and adding complexity to the circuits. They become even stronger and you can’t unlearn them. How do you “unlearn” to ride a bike? You can’t.

It’s almost surreal that we spend so much time and energy trying to contain and deal with our demons. Not only are they not who we are, they are the opposite of who we are.  Otherwise, we would not have suppressed the thoughts in the first place. It is like changing the oil in your car when your radiator is leaking. Eventually, you are just worn down. The other consequence of this relentless repetition of unpleasant thoughts is that your body is responding with stress chemicals, which affects every cell in your body. People become ill.

A common example is that of a body image disorder. It is my contention that every person has some level of body image issues and at some tipping point they may become disruptive. Consider that there is always some aspect of your body that you don’t like. Usually it is a minimal issue that is “not a big deal”. Why even think about it? Except you live in your body and there is no escape from that tiny thought. By tossing the thought aside, you just gave it attention and it will grow and continue to do so every time the thought arises. It is also why some of the most beautiful people on the planet may suffer more than the average person because their attention is on their appearance.

Solutions

The first step in dealing with all of this is understanding the nature of the problem. These “demons” are as real to you as the chair you are sitting on. They create tremendous anxiety, which is frequently intolerable. Anxiety is not primarily psychological. It is measure of your stress chemicals and intended to create a deep feeling of dread to compel you to take action to solve a given threat. When you can’t escape the “threat”, life can be pretty miserable. It is critical to remember that rational approaches don’t work and actually may be counter-productive.

Second, you have to view these repetitive thoughts from a mechanical viewpoint and depersonalize them.  Everyone has some level of them. They are just there and are NOT who you are. Don’t give them any further personal energy. Your brain will develop wherever you place your attention.

Third, there are many strategies to rewire your brain and create new more enjoyable circuits. The term is “neuroplasticity” and the basic sequence is awareness, separation and redirecting. The tools are simple and effective with repetition. Mental pain appears to be a greater problem for most people than physical pain, although neither one is great. Your “demons” are one of the more intense aspects of it. The DOC process presents many proven strategies to rewire your brain, and each person figures out his or her unique approach.

Consider the solution being similar to cleaning out the lint in a dryer. It needs to be done regularly. Otherwise, the dryer will lose efficiency and eventually break down. I consider the use of these tools “neurological maintenance.” It is the way the nervous system functions. Think in terms of neuroplasticity. THERE ARE NO RATIONAL SHORTCUTS.

1. Wegner
2. Mansour
3. Obsessive

JYR, BF

The post Your Demons are Robots first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Your Demons are Robots appeared first on Back in Control.