Florence, Italy, 2013

On vacation

We all intellectually know that life is short and somehow we spend a lot of energy avoiding that thought. I was reminded of the frailty of life this week while vacationing in Florence, Italy.

Many of the cobblestone streets are narrow and the sidewalks even narrower. It is also quite crowded. There is a constant negotiating for sidewalk space with other people going with or against you. At the same time I am trying to relax by enjoying the sights. There is some risk to this combination of forces.

The bus

I was standing just behind my wife looking into a shop window. There were people milling both in front and back of me. We were on one of the more narrow streets when suddenly I felt something touch my hair that felt like a light breeze. Then I heard a horn. I looked up and a local bus had passed me traveling around 25 mph. The mirror of the bus was about five feet off of the ground. With the road being so narrow a portion of the mirror was overhanging the sidewalk about a foot when it passed me. It was traveling so fast that it was 20 feet past me before the driver was able to hit the horn and I could look up. I was within a quarter of an inch of my head being slammed to the ground. The good news is that it would have been quick.

I was relating the story to our incredibly gracious Florentine host who wasn’t surprised. “I had a friend of mine was killed in London about 30 years ago after his head was struck by a passing bus mirror.” Then I was talking to another one of our American friends who has lived in Florence since 1979. She told me that it happens frequently, and she has been wary of the possibility since had moved here. Then my son remembered that he had a classmate who was killed at age 18 in London after being hit by a passing bus mirror. None of these stories were reassuring.

On life #6

This incident was my fifth significant close encounter with dying with this one being particularly intense. Being comfortable with death is a skill I am not inclined to learn, although the philosophers point out it’s a necessary part of truly living. The response it fosters in me is gratitude. I have long realized that life is one day (moment) at time and that I am incredibly fortunate in many realms. The first one being that a “bad day” is much better than not having a day at all. I also live in a free country with food on my table and a shelter over my head. We have comforts and opportunities that have never existed in the human experience.

Another benefit, that I never expected was the gift of suffering. I never understood how extreme the experience of being crippled by anxiety and other physical symptoms could be and each patient in pain takes me back to some part of my journey in the Abyss. I came out of it one millimeter at a time. I am incredibly grateful to be able to share my insights with others. Watching them thrive has been rewarding, inspiring and humbling. The capacity of a given person to heal is almost infinite and I am one example.

The Denial of Death

Ernest Becker wrote a famous book, The Denial of Death. His premise that he elaborates on in multiple ways is that the fear of death drives most of human behavior. I agree that avoiding anxiety is the main driving force in that the human body’s primary role is survival and then procreation. Homo sapiens that didn’t pay attention to the environmental cues simply didn’t survive. The current human race represents “survival of the most anxious” and it’s effective. Worrying about death is unique to humans because we have consciousness and it’s the ultimate fear. However, it is just one of an infinite number of other things to be anxious about. But spending your time worrying, including about the inevitable, then it’s much harder to enjoy the gift of life you have been given today. Deeply accepting death is a major step in truly living. Learning to live with anxiety is another one.

Constantly thinking about how to solve your chronic mental and physical pain is, I think, almost a worse situation than worrying about dying. You are living a life that is steeped with misery, being bounced around, not believed, labeled and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of escape. I will never forget reading Viktor Frank’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, in which he describes his experience in a WWII concentration camp from a psychiatrist’s perspective. He was able to somehow accept his fate while in the camps. What caught my attention was that he felt that the worst part of the ordeal, in spite of extreme physical suffering, was wondering if and when it would end. The effect of chronic pain has been documented to have a similar impact on a person’s life as terminal cancer. (1)

The paradox

The solution to chronic pain is a paradox. It is important to understand the neuroplastic properties of the brain. Your brain changes structure every millisecond by forming new connections, supporting cells, neurons, etc. It will develop in whatever direction you choose. If you spend your time looking for a solution for your pain or constantly discussing it, you are only reinforcing it. If you choose to move forward with or without your pain, paradoxically you can leave it behind. Remaining anxious about things beyond your control will suck your life energy right out of you. Dealing with your inevitable end is an opportunity to accept, process it and move forward.

A brush with death also reminds me that the goal of The DOC Journey is to enjoy the day that you’re are in. There is a tendency to look at this process as a stepwise formula with the goal being the end of pain and suffering. That’s the opposite of what actually happens. The “goal ” is to get happy first regardless of your circumstances, including the pain. You’ll then have the energy and passion to move through your mental and physical pain and create the life you desire. The ring of fire

Enjoy your day today

1. Fredheim OM, Kaasa S, Fayers P, Saltnes T, Jordhøy M, Bortchgrevink PC. Chronic non-malignant pain patients report as poor health-related quality of life as palliative cancer patients. Acta Anaesthesiol Scand. 2008;52(1):143-148. 

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“Happy”

We all want to become better, happier people, and we work pretty hard at it. The marketing world keeps reminding us that we are not even close to our potential and holds up endless images of perfection that reinforce that idea. The solution advertising offers is a better appearance, more friends, accomplishments, public recognition, power, etc. We are programmed into being defined by external factors.

Additionally, self-help resources are everywhere. There are seminars, healers, books, lectures, and retreats, much of which can be helpful. The message is “if I had more of  ‘___________’ I would be a happier person.”  This includes wisdom, the tools on this web site, less pain, etc.

What we really mean when we say that we want to be happy is that we would like to experience less anxiety.

The “Abyss”

Many, if not most, of my patients would test out just fine on a psychological test. But chronic pain will still take you down anyway. It creates extreme anxiety and frustration. I define “The Abyss” as:

Anxiety x Anger x Time

The Abyss represents an unspeakably dark area of your brain. My patients can’t express it with words. I spent over seven years in a severe burnout. My experience also included chronic pain in several areas of my body. I experienced an intense burning sensation in both of my feet, tinnitus, multiple areas of tendonitis, migraine headaches and crushing right-sided chest pain.I didn’t know why I was having all of these symptoms and all the testing was normal. I eventually lost all hope. I “pre-tested” every millimeter of the pathway outlined on this website, mostly by trying multiple approaches that didn’t work. Suffering from chronic pain is far removed from happiness.

 Paradoxes

• The DOC process is paradoxical. The harder you try to get enough of the tools to “fix” yourself the less likely you are to be successful in becoming pain free (or happy). It is critical to understand that you have to enjoy your day with the idea that your pain or your life circumstances may never improve. In other words you must learn to enjoy life with what you have—NOW!
• If you are waiting for more wisdom, more re-programming tools, more money, a nicer spouse, better-behaved kids, or less pain before you can fully engage in your life, it’s never going to happen. It is life’s ultimate paradox. The harder you try to “fix” your life and yourself, the less likely you are to enjoy it.
• We also forget how illogical it is to think that all of the variables in our lives are going to align so well that we are going to finally be fulfilled. And if it could happen, how long do you think it would last?  Think how much energy we spend trying to control so much. Yet, we don’t give up trying.

The Reverse Paradox

Then there is the other side of the paradox. The more you can enjoy your day in light of your current life circumstances; you will then possess more energy and creativity to create a life that you desire. The Eye of the Storm

An Exercise

I often do an exercise with my patients. I look at my watch and point out that the time is X and you have Y number of hours left in the day. I ask them to make a decision to enjoy the next number of hours regardless of their circumstances, including the pain. A major key to solving your pain is to step fully into the life you want, with or without the pain.

When I was in the middle of my own intense burnout about 10 years ago, I had to make ongoing decisions to just enjoy the next 15 minutes. I’m serious. I had to make a conscious effort every 15 to 30 minutes.

My ongoing challenge to myself and to my patients is, “Enjoy your day—today.”

Listen to the Back in Control Radio podcast Enjoy Your Day – Today

The post Enjoy Your Day-Today first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Enjoy Your Day-Today appeared first on Back in Control.

• You can only engage in the tools that enable your brain to heal itself.
  • The basic starting point is regularly practicing active mediation.
• In fact, the more focused you are on getting rid of your pain, the lower the odds are that the pain will abate.
•  Pain will still be running the show.
  • It is important move forward with or without your pain
• The new neurological pathways do not have to embody pain.

I have a metaphor that I share it with many of my patients. Trying to “fix” chronic pain is like putting your hand into the middle of a hornet’s nest. You cannot be successful in controlling these powerful survival responses. The process is that of connecting with your true nature and letting go – like a bunch of balloons.

A Bunch of Balloons

Imagine climbing a large mountain the size of Mount Rainier. At the peak, there is a “better you.”  The climb represents our endless quest for self-improvement. This journey takes endless forms: self-help books, healers, psychologists, medications, etc. There is a significant problem with this situation: “What does that ‘better you’ look like?” You may have a vague idea, but generally it is a concept that is idealized and humanly unattainable. Additionally, you are expending a tremendous amount of your life energy on this endless quest.

Instead, imagine a bunch of balloons tied to a railing. The strings represent your neurological patterns that are holding you down. What the various reprogramming tools accomplish is to cut the strings. Eventually, you will take off. There is no longer a goal to achieve a “better you.” You are able to enjoy the life you have with what you have. You are also not expending any effort and the potential is limitless.

You are fine just the way you are this minute. There are many interferences connecting with your true value system. Once you re-connect with who you really are, your life will change. Remember: the consistent result of many patients going through this process is a rich pain-free life.  The main variable is the degree of commitment – and letting go.

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