Three of the couples have been married about 40 years. Most of us didn’t make it that long. Since the family issues have become one of the main focuses of the healing process from pain, I asked both halves of each couple what was working for them. Here are their comments.

Bernie and Carolyn

Bernie worked night shifts for many years and they were forced to have a lot of space in their marriage. Although there were some negatives, they felt that it was helpful in making them develop their own styles and interests. They also had a shared value system and were active in the church. They enjoyed a strong sense of community and giving back. Social isolation

Finally, they often “ignored the problem” and eventually it disappeared or “just wasn’t worth fighting about.”

Ken and Merrilee

Merrilee:

“Love them even though they change.”

She felt the honeymoon ended when her focus shifted from making her husband happy back to her happiness. “Life keeps coming at you and you just don’t have the same energy to keep giving.” She has been reconnecting to being more emotionally supportive going forward and enjoying her family more.

She shared that her daughter had a wonderful perspective in that she quit worrying about herself and concentrated on being “the wife that her husband deserves.” Without expectations, his behavior and their relationship improved. She also performed “deliberate acts of service.”

Ken:

He felt that respect for each other’s views was important. There is rarely one answer and it doesn’t have to be repeated scenarios of “win or lose.” This perspective evolved about five years into his marriage and involved better awareness and willingness to listen.

He also realized that under stress that he would remain aloof and withdraw and that sharing everything, enjoyable or unpleasant, was critical. A turning point occurred when their daughter incurred severe life-threatening injuries in a boating accident and everyone pitched in and pulled together. Shared adversity became a strong bond.

Jennifer and Gary

They both shared that maintaining a sense of humor was the cornerstone of why they had thrived for so long. They just “laugh a lot.” Consequently, they don’t seem to trigger each other that much. Their main advice to their children is, “Find someone with a sense of humor.”

Shared values were also important. They cared about similar issues. Appearances and material things aren’t that important to them. They really enjoy traveling together.

Respect was also in the forefront of their relationship. They espoused being kind and treating each other and others well. “Being tired” wasn’t an excuse to behave poorly. They consciously don’t speak badly about each other to others.

Chronic pain and your family

There are many books giving marriage advice, but I was impressed how these observations reflected a lot of wisdom. Chronic pain introduces an intense angry energy into the home and the effects are consistently devastating. Every time I ask a patient’s partner about the impact, the response is strong. It’s a disaster.

Chronic pain is a legitimate reason to be angry. You’re trapped – from every direction. Why would you not be angry? The problem is that anger is destructive and the family you treasure now becomes one of the targets of your anger, even if it isn’t directly focused on them. As they react back, then it triggers your pain and there is not an end to this vicious cycle.

We are seeing tremendous success in guiding families to create structures to break up these unconscious survival patterns. They are powerful reactive survival responses that aren’t subject to rational interventions. These strategies are outlined in multiple posts in the family section of this website.

One of the most effective approaches, after the chaos has settled a bit, is to proactively recreate a life that you want beginning at home. The wisdom of these couples encapsulates this concept. It also happens to be the foundation for our three-day workshops, which are based on awareness, hope, forgiveness and play. Omega 17

Awareness

All the couples felt respect was essential, but to have it you must to be able to listen and become aware of the other person’s needs. When you’re angry, you’ve completely lost awareness. It’s crucial to be aware that you are upset and not take action while you are reacting. This one is tough and an ongoing challenge for me personally. However, anger is about your own needs and is destructive to others and relationships. You have to disengage until you can calm down and then discuss the possible solutions to the problem.

Committing to the other person’s needs or well-being also requires a keen awareness of what those might be. Awareness is the foundation of any relationship in all arenas of your life.

Hope

What were your dreams for your life and family on the day of your wedding? Why did you want to be with this person? That energy seems to be commonly crushed by life stresses for many families. One of the suggestions we make to couples is to spend an hour remembering the most enjoyable and happy times of their relationship. Most couples with pain in the family haven’t done that for a while and often find it difficult to get back to that spot. If you can’t re-connect with why you are together in the first place, then you have to really dig in and figure a few things out. You’re in a pressure cooker.

Forgiveness

This is a self-evident truth that most of us forget in the midst of relationship issues. It is easy to be judgmental of your partner’s “faults.” However, when you are judgmental you are just projecting your view of you onto someone else. When you have labeled anyone, either positively or negatively you have lost awareness and you have little or no idea who this person is, and you cannot see the world or situation through his or her eyes. All the couples had their own style of letting go and moving on. Fighting is the antithesis of love, compassion and respect. Would you talk to a stranger or fellow worker the way you talk to your partner?

My wife and I have a little saying, “Anger isn’t attractive.” It’s true. However, although it’s easy to see how unattractive the other person is in that state, it’s challenging to see how you appear to others when you are in that mode. Do you want to remain that way? Is that the way you want people to consistently perceive you? Isn’t it great to be around someone who laughs a lot? Wouldn’t you want to be that person? You can’t get there without deep forgiveness.

Play

One of the more definitive solutions to solving chronic pain is play. There is a surge of wonderful chemicals such as serotonin, GABA chemicals (Valium-like chemicals), oxytocin (the love drug) and dopamine (the pleasure hormone). As the body chemistry switches into this mode, there is a profound effect on all of your body’s organ systems and many physical symptoms resolve. Why wouldn’t you want to spend most of your time in this state? What was a common theme with all of the three couples? Actively cultivating pleasure is a learned skill and needs to be nurtured. Taking things in stride with a sense of humor is the essence of this aspect of relationships. We have been amazed at how frequently we have observed how much controversy is generated around how to load the dishwasher. That might be good starting place to step back and just laugh about how deeply we get pulled into situations of little consequence. We can do better than that.

Life is full of adversity and you can either support each other or bring each other down. I have never advocated positive thinking or enjoying adversity. However, sharing challenges together is an intense bond and it’s helpful to bring a sense of adventure and play to all of this. Challenges will always be coming at us. Without making a conscious effort, play will be pushed aside. It’s critical to be able to regenerate your energy daily.

Chronic pain infiltrates every aspect of your life – especially into your family. It appears to be one of the most powerful forces keeping you in pain. However, with relatively simple strategies, the energy can be switched to your close relationships being a wonderful connection to healing – for both you and your family.

Healing begins at home

The post Married 40 years – What Worked? first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Married 40 years – What Worked? appeared first on Back in Control.

The consequences of endlessly striving for self-esteem aren’t just dire for the individual, but for the society as a whole, as those in charge – of families, companies, countries, anything — judge others harshly, driving them into the ground on their path to power. At its worst, the quest for greater self-esteem leads to despotism, war, and mass murder, blocking world peace. What can be done about this dangerous scenario? The real key to harmony for us as individuals and as a society is not self-esteem but compassion. Only by practicing compassion – for ourselves and others — can we make our world a more peaceful one. The road to compassion starts at the point where you become aware of your own efforts to inflate your self-esteem, which can be traced back to anxiety.

Compassion

Let’s look at compassion first. Compassion is now recognized as vital force in our society: in fact, there is a group (in which I am a partner) called “A Charter for Compassion” founded by Karen Armstrong, a prominent theologian. The group’s mission is to promote compassion on an international level. It’s a great and important cause but we have one major challenge: while the idea of using compassion to bring about peace (in our world and in ourselves) has been around for a long time, there has been no lasting change.

In her book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, Armstrong points out that 2,500 years ago, Confucius had remarkable insight about the importance of compassion and worked to spread the word about it. In spite of his significant efforts, though, he felt that he’d failed to convince any world leaders to act in a compassionate way. The challenge continues today.

Self-Esteem, Anxiety, and Judgment

Now let’s consider the origins of our inability to achieve world peace: the pursuit of self-esteem, which is rooted in the universal feelings of anxiety and anger. Here’s how the sequence unfolds: we don’t like to feel anxious, so when the feeling starts, we struggle to gain control of the situation that’s causing it. If we can’t gain (or retain) control, we become angry. Anger covers up the anxiety, making us feel more in control and more powerful. It’s a vicious cycle in which those in power see no logical reason to give it up.

In trying to gain more self-esteem, we inevitably compare ourselves to others, which results in harsh judgments. This is problematic for several reasons: first, these negative feelings don’t help you enjoy your day. Second, although you might intellectually believe that “all men are created equal,” actively judging anyone – whether it’s a friend or a homeless person on the street — means you haven’t internalized this belief. Third, negative judgment leads to ill treatment of others (even if we display a veneer of civility). Lastly, self-esteem has odd blinders; whatever defines us most is what we most often judge in others. Think about this for a while.

Do you often make negative judgments? Ask yourself the following questions:

• If you are intellectual do you view people who are less educated or less intelligent as your equal?
• If you are in incredible physical shape, how do you judge the other 95% of the population that is not fit?
• What if you are poor? Do you identify with your “simple” life so much that you judge those who have more than you?
• If you aren’t poor, how do view those who have less than you? Do you treat them the same way you would treat your boss or your family?
• If you are attractive and are defined by your looks, how do you feel about those who are physically challenged?

We really all are equal

In answering these questions, remember that every human being is flawed. The beauty of this realization is that it allows us to see that not only were we are all created equal; we truly are equal. Being judgmental interferes with our ability to enjoy the human experience at the deepest level, which is tragic for you and everyone you come in contact with. When you judge someone as being “less than” you, it enables you to rationalize some pretty bad behavior. In labeling that person, you’ve lost the capacity to view the world through that person’s eyes. It’s the antithesis of compassion. The essence of compassion is awareness.

What is really odd about this process is that you may focus so hard on the few traits you define yourself by that you become detached from the feelings of worthlessness you possess in multiple other areas. This disconnection can and will lead to aberrant behaviors. Here’s a recap of the sequence:

• Anxiety is a universal trait
• Anxiety drives the need for self-esteem
• The pursuit of self-esteem leads to a pattern of judgment
  • Of others
  • Of self
•  Working on your self-esteem is an attempt to gain more power and there is no endpoint.

Remember that in the end, no matter how hard you work on your self-esteem, there will always be people in your “target” zone who are more competent, skilled, wealthy, etc. So at the same time you feel superior to many, you also feel inferior to many. By the way, how are you keeping score?

Guaranteed to Fail

Also keep in mind that instead of making you happy, self-esteem pretty much guarantees that happiness will always elude you. For example, suppose you are brilliant in your field of work but are physically out of shape and cannot get on top of it. Does your brilliance overcome your negative feelings about your body? The answer is: probably not. There are a million traits to feel good or bad about, which is one of the reasons that self-esteem is so ineffective in allaying anxiety. It eventually becomes destructive.

I recently had a conversation with a young professional about self-esteem. He told me that in any social situation that he is in he feels like he is the most intelligent person in the room. It does not matter who is in the group or if it is in his area of expertise. He then went into a somewhat complicated explanation why he thought this was the case. I could only feel sorry for him as I realized how much of his life energies were being consumed by this process.

Solutions

We’ve established that anxiety and the resulting negative judgment lead to the pursuit of self-esteem, which, in turn, results in power struggles. The resulting judgment blocks awareness, which is the foundation of compassion. As self-esteem is so widely promoted how is world peace even a concept? What is the solution to this problem? First, we have to start at the individual level and deal with our anxiety/judgments. The most effective technique is a strategy called reprogramming, which essentially “resets” your nervous system via the following tactics: 1) awareness, 2) detachment, and 3) reprogramming.

The first step is to become aware of your anxiety/judgments. One effective method is to either write down or speak your judgmental thoughts, which allows you to separate from the, which accomplishes the second step.

The detachment process doesn’t get rid of your judgments; they will still be there the next time you interact with the same person. However, in separating from your thoughts, your negativity is no long running the show. You don’t have to like this person but you’ve created a situation where the possibility of liking him or her one-day exists. At a minimum you can do business or interact with them without it disrupting your peace of mind. This third step is the reprogramming part of the process.

Note that it may be tempting to try and suppress your anxiety-driven judgments, but this won’t work; the anxiety that lies beneath our judgments is a mental reflex, and impossible to deal with in any way that might seem rational.

“Not being judgmental”

I have an ongoing discussion with my patients about why suppressing their judgments doesn’t work. For instance, suppose they’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and not be judgmental of a person they don’t like, such as a coworker or relative. The next time they interact with this person, what happens? In trying not to think negative thoughts about the other person, they focus on these thoughts even more, literally “firing up” their neurological circuits of judgment. It’s a problematic way to run one’s life, since lack of awareness results in detached and even bizarre behavior.

There are other, effective methods for breaking the negative cycle of self-esteem:

• Treat anxiety/anger as a Neurophysiological Disorder (NPD) symptom.
  • Become aware of your own self-esteem needs and resulting judgmental nature.
  • If you are working on your self-esteem, realize that you are using rational means to deal with the powerful unconscious brain. It is a mismatch.t
  • Become aware of the impact of your judgmental behavior on yourself and others.
    • Stop it – now.
      • Every person, every time. No exceptions.
  • This work is done via small, multiple daily interactions.
    • Example: avoid taking part in gossiping.
    • Connect with who you are. It does not matter how you compare with others.

Once you become aware of the destructive nature of pursuing self-esteem, you can implement tools to change, creating the possibility for peace within you and around you.

World Peace – Act Now or Quit Talking

The concept of world peace has been in my thoughts my entire life. Though I have at times been hopeful, it currently seems like we are headed the wrong direction. In fact, sometimes I feel that much of the free world is heading back into the Dark Ages. Many parts of the world still live in the same conditions as the Dark Ages, subject to absolute control by a few leaders, with severe consequences for breaking the arbitrary rules. Can the human condition ever overcome its own nature? What would it take for us to achieve world peace? This is the question that needs to be answered; otherwise let’s quit talking about it and deal with the reality that it’s never going to happen.

Consider this breakdown:

• World Peace is a result of having….
• Compassion, which only occurs if we…
• Remove what’s blocking compassion: our need for power/pursuit of self-esteem
• The drive for power/self-esteem can only be stopped if we address…
  • Anxiety/ anger, which has to happen at the…
  • Individual level, because…
    • The institutions that can create world peace are a result of the collective consciousness

Compassion is contagious. The more compassionate you are with your partner, children, friends, coworkers, or a stranger on the street, the more likely they will be compassionate to those around them.

Change Your Behavior, Change Your World

Most everyone would agree that world peace is a good idea, so how do we go about achieving it? Besides being compassionate to your fellow man, it helps to let others know about the destructive nature of self-esteem.

This is the idea put forth in the book Influencer: The Power to Change Anything written by people who are highly skilled in creating change. The book is about pinpointing which behaviors need to be modified in order to create the desired result. For example, if you wanted to improve people’s dental hygiene habits, you might think you should display this message on every billboard in the country: “Practicing good dental hygiene results in healthier teeth and gums.” This tactic wouldn’t change a thing, however. But if you systematically educated the population about regular and correct methods of brushing and flossing your teeth, you’d achieve your goal.

Let’s consider this idea in the context of world peace. You can promote the concept that world peace is a good idea, but you won’t get anywhere unless you specify to others what behaviors need to change. One might be to stop working on their self-esteem and instead, practicing awareness and compassion. True lasting change can only occur one person at a time and everyone is important.

Video:

The post “Self-Esteem” Must Die first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “Self-Esteem” Must Die appeared first on Back in Control.