Three of the couples have been married about 40 years. Most of us didn’t make it that long. Since the family issues have become one of the main focuses of the healing process from pain, I asked both halves of each couple what was working for them. Here are their comments.

Bernie and Carolyn

Bernie worked night shifts for many years and they were forced to have a lot of space in their marriage. Although there were some negatives, they felt that it was helpful in making them develop their own styles and interests. They also had a shared value system and were active in the church. They enjoyed a strong sense of community and giving back. Social isolation

Finally, they often “ignored the problem” and eventually it disappeared or “just wasn’t worth fighting about.”

Ken and Merrilee

Merrilee:

“Love them even though they change.”

She felt the honeymoon ended when her focus shifted from making her husband happy back to her happiness. “Life keeps coming at you and you just don’t have the same energy to keep giving.” She has been reconnecting to being more emotionally supportive going forward and enjoying her family more.

She shared that her daughter had a wonderful perspective in that she quit worrying about herself and concentrated on being “the wife that her husband deserves.” Without expectations, his behavior and their relationship improved. She also performed “deliberate acts of service.”

Ken:

He felt that respect for each other’s views was important. There is rarely one answer and it doesn’t have to be repeated scenarios of “win or lose.” This perspective evolved about five years into his marriage and involved better awareness and willingness to listen.

He also realized that under stress that he would remain aloof and withdraw and that sharing everything, enjoyable or unpleasant, was critical. A turning point occurred when their daughter incurred severe life-threatening injuries in a boating accident and everyone pitched in and pulled together. Shared adversity became a strong bond.

Jennifer and Gary

They both shared that maintaining a sense of humor was the cornerstone of why they had thrived for so long. They just “laugh a lot.” Consequently, they don’t seem to trigger each other that much. Their main advice to their children is, “Find someone with a sense of humor.”

Shared values were also important. They cared about similar issues. Appearances and material things aren’t that important to them. They really enjoy traveling together.

Respect was also in the forefront of their relationship. They espoused being kind and treating each other and others well. “Being tired” wasn’t an excuse to behave poorly. They consciously don’t speak badly about each other to others.

Chronic pain and your family

There are many books giving marriage advice, but I was impressed how these observations reflected a lot of wisdom. Chronic pain introduces an intense angry energy into the home and the effects are consistently devastating. Every time I ask a patient’s partner about the impact, the response is strong. It’s a disaster.

Chronic pain is a legitimate reason to be angry. You’re trapped – from every direction. Why would you not be angry? The problem is that anger is destructive and the family you treasure now becomes one of the targets of your anger, even if it isn’t directly focused on them. As they react back, then it triggers your pain and there is not an end to this vicious cycle.

We are seeing tremendous success in guiding families to create structures to break up these unconscious survival patterns. They are powerful reactive survival responses that aren’t subject to rational interventions. These strategies are outlined in multiple posts in the family section of this website.

One of the most effective approaches, after the chaos has settled a bit, is to proactively recreate a life that you want beginning at home. The wisdom of these couples encapsulates this concept. It also happens to be the foundation for our three-day workshops, which are based on awareness, hope, forgiveness and play. Omega 17

Awareness

All the couples felt respect was essential, but to have it you must to be able to listen and become aware of the other person’s needs. When you’re angry, you’ve completely lost awareness. It’s crucial to be aware that you are upset and not take action while you are reacting. This one is tough and an ongoing challenge for me personally. However, anger is about your own needs and is destructive to others and relationships. You have to disengage until you can calm down and then discuss the possible solutions to the problem.

Committing to the other person’s needs or well-being also requires a keen awareness of what those might be. Awareness is the foundation of any relationship in all arenas of your life.

Hope

What were your dreams for your life and family on the day of your wedding? Why did you want to be with this person? That energy seems to be commonly crushed by life stresses for many families. One of the suggestions we make to couples is to spend an hour remembering the most enjoyable and happy times of their relationship. Most couples with pain in the family haven’t done that for a while and often find it difficult to get back to that spot. If you can’t re-connect with why you are together in the first place, then you have to really dig in and figure a few things out. You’re in a pressure cooker.

Forgiveness

This is a self-evident truth that most of us forget in the midst of relationship issues. It is easy to be judgmental of your partner’s “faults.” However, when you are judgmental you are just projecting your view of you onto someone else. When you have labeled anyone, either positively or negatively you have lost awareness and you have little or no idea who this person is, and you cannot see the world or situation through his or her eyes. All the couples had their own style of letting go and moving on. Fighting is the antithesis of love, compassion and respect. Would you talk to a stranger or fellow worker the way you talk to your partner?

My wife and I have a little saying, “Anger isn’t attractive.” It’s true. However, although it’s easy to see how unattractive the other person is in that state, it’s challenging to see how you appear to others when you are in that mode. Do you want to remain that way? Is that the way you want people to consistently perceive you? Isn’t it great to be around someone who laughs a lot? Wouldn’t you want to be that person? You can’t get there without deep forgiveness.

Play

One of the more definitive solutions to solving chronic pain is play. There is a surge of wonderful chemicals such as serotonin, GABA chemicals (Valium-like chemicals), oxytocin (the love drug) and dopamine (the pleasure hormone). As the body chemistry switches into this mode, there is a profound effect on all of your body’s organ systems and many physical symptoms resolve. Why wouldn’t you want to spend most of your time in this state? What was a common theme with all of the three couples? Actively cultivating pleasure is a learned skill and needs to be nurtured. Taking things in stride with a sense of humor is the essence of this aspect of relationships. We have been amazed at how frequently we have observed how much controversy is generated around how to load the dishwasher. That might be good starting place to step back and just laugh about how deeply we get pulled into situations of little consequence. We can do better than that.

Life is full of adversity and you can either support each other or bring each other down. I have never advocated positive thinking or enjoying adversity. However, sharing challenges together is an intense bond and it’s helpful to bring a sense of adventure and play to all of this. Challenges will always be coming at us. Without making a conscious effort, play will be pushed aside. It’s critical to be able to regenerate your energy daily.

Chronic pain infiltrates every aspect of your life – especially into your family. It appears to be one of the most powerful forces keeping you in pain. However, with relatively simple strategies, the energy can be switched to your close relationships being a wonderful connection to healing – for both you and your family.

Healing begins at home

The post Married 40 years – What Worked? first appeared on Back in Control.

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Hard times

Life doesn’t always go as planned. He hit some difficult personal circumstances and began to underperform. One incident was a high-speed fall where he missed hitting a tree by just a few feet. His left ski hit a small rock throwing him forward. He landed on this left shoulder and dislocated it. He felt for the first time that was going to die, as he hit the snow. He began to ski “not to lose”, which can’t work at a world-class level of competition. The harder he worked the worse it seemed to get.

He began to work with a performance coach in Seattle, David Elaimy in 2006. He was 22. I sponsored him and his best friend, Holt, to work with David over the next several years. Nick climbed to 5^th in North America on the NorAm circuit. Holt went on to win the National Championship in 2007. It was a tough competition for Nick, as he did not make finals after a fall on the top jump.

Injuries

In 2008, Nick had good shot at the National Championship. Our whole family and David Elaimy were watching Nick warm up on a tough course in Killington, VT. He appeared to be one of the few skiers who was mastering the steep course with firm snow. Suddenly he pulled over and sat down. With a very slight twist his anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee popped. He rehabbed quickly after surgery to ski the next season. Then he popped the cruciate ligament in his other knee. He again worked hard enough to compete the next season. Then he partially tore his ankle in practice as he over-rotated on a back flip in heavy snow. His next injury was a ruptured the disc in his lower back between his 4^th and 5^th vertebrae. There wasn’t much pain but it weakened his left quadriceps. He had already experienced nine concussions. You get the idea. He wasn’t giving up easily.

The final straw seemed to be a golf injury. He was driving the cart with his left leg hanging out the side. He was relaxed and not paying too much attention to driving. He caught his foot between the cart and a railway tie as he crossed a small wooden bridge. His ankle snapped requiring yet another surgery. After a lot of conversation we all decided that continuing to ski did not seem like a good idea. I was personally relieved. He was finishing school and had a great job lined up.

Competing again?

He decided to compete again. I was not supportive, but at age 29 it was clearly his decision. It was not only risky, it seemed as if he didn’t have much of a chance. To qualify for a US ski team spot and a World Cup spot he had to finish a combined first or second over two days at a national qualifying event. He lined up a sponsor and began training in September for the December competition. He traveled to Australia, Europe, and Canada, working extremely hard. The first week while in Canada the rope tow was not open. He climbed the hill over 150 times just to practice one jump.

Fear of failure

But another major problem had evolved in addition to his injuries. He had lost his consistency and every year would ski poorly under the pressure of the national qualifying competition. It became a head-trip and even the pattern of failure became predictable. His top jump was an impressive backflip with a full twist and he would ski a great top 2/3 of the run. On the bottom jump he would over-rotate, sit back just a little, and immediately be out of the competition. For three years in a row, it was the same mistake. It didn’t seem to matter how many times he practiced the jump or how well he did in the warm-up runs. He wasn’t laying down winning runs under pressure. He only had the first two runs of the season to finish in the top two and that was it.

It is always tricky when giving your children advice when they haven’t asked for it. Although Nick is mentioned throughout my book, Back in Control, he hasn’t quite gotten around to reading it. (Nor has my wife or daughter). I suggested that he engage with the expressive writing exercises, which is the foundation of the DOC project. It is the tool that begins to break up the cycle of racing thoughts. He politely listened without a response, but actually began to implement it. He had also done the Hoffman process a few years earlier and had continued to use some of the visualization and somatic tools.

Selections 2013

Every December the national qualifying event is called “Selections”. The top two finishers are guaranteed spots on the US ski team. This year it was held in Winter Park, CO. It is a two-day event held on Thursday and Saturday.

On the first day of competition he qualified 13^th out of a field of 75. As the top 16 skiers get a second run he made finals. There is no carry-over from the first run and he finished 6^th, which kept him in the hunt for a top-two finish.

On Saturday he qualified 11^th. It was an excellent accomplishment and was a great run. But anything less than a first or second on the final run was not going to cut it. He finally did it!! On the finals run he missed a first place finish by one hundredth of a point. He skied the run of his life under intense pressure.

They took the top six skiers for a “super finals” and he did it again – he finished second by the smallest of margins.

Making the US Ski Team – Not

For all of us that have watched him compete it is hard to describe how great it was to see him pull this off after years of so much focused effort. His overall standing for the two days was 3^rd. It wasn’t quite a guarantee but often a 3^rd spot opens up on the US ski team and he had clearly elevated his game. Then his dream came true.  A 3^rd spot opened up. But the coaches gave it to the 4th place finisher who he had soundly beaten.

Five years ago he would have been out of his mind for weeks. Making the US ski team had consumed him for over half of his life. And he was upset – for about two days. By the time he told me a week later he had let it go and had enjoyed a wonderful holiday with his girlfriend and friends. I flew over the next weekend to ski with him and he really had moved on. We had a great few days together. The elephant’s noose

I asked him how he had raised his level of skiing to almost winning the event. That is when he told me he had been doing a lot of the expressive writing and immediately destroying it. I was surprised and pleased that my son had actually listened to his father’s advice. He had increased the writing a lot during the competition week. A friend of mine asked him about the Hoffman process. Nick started thinking about the events and reminisced that he actually had used many of the Hoffman tools during the competition.

Before his final “almost-winning run” he was dealing with his fears of failing under pressure. In the starting gate he took his ski pole and wrote the word, “fail” in the snow and then used his skis to bash it. Hoffman graduates will recognize it as one of the basic tools of the process. He proceeded to ski the run of his life.

“The Winning Run”

From my perspective his “winning run” was letting go of being passed over for a US Ski team spot. He seemed to move past it far quicker than I did. Dealing with adversity is maybe the one most important traits that will allow you to live an enjoyable and productive life. I realized that my son had grown up.

The post Nick’s Winning Run – Off of the Hill first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Nick’s Winning Run – Off of the Hill appeared first on Back in Control.