Anxiety, Power, and Bullying

To be connected to other people is one of the strongest human drives. Humans evolved by interacting with other humans. We also have a deep need for acceptance. This sets up a serious contradiction because our even deeper need is to avoid anxiety.

We try to avoid anxiety, or – if we already have it – we try to get rid of it. One common method we use is to increase our sense of control. Nothing enhances our feeling of control more than by gaining power in some way. This tendency comes out in our interactions with each other; in fact, it dictates much of human relations.

Every child has significantly increased anxiety when they leave home to begin school, regardless of their family situation. They want to be accepted but there is also the greater need to diminish their fear. The need to get rid of fear and gain power is played out in forming cliques, excluding others, and overt bullying.

Researchers did a study of students who have been bullied versus the bullies to see if there was any difference in their physiological makeup. They looked at the levels of a substance called C-reactive protein (CRP), which is elevated in the presence of inflammation; it’s often drawn to determine the presence of a hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. It is not desirable to have an elevated CRP.

The study revealed that children who had been bullied had significantly elevated levels of CRP compared to those who had not been bullied. Being bullied as your introduction to the real world is not a great start. What I find even more disturbing is that the levels of CRP in bullies was lower than the norm. As it turns out, there is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up power and control? Especially when feeling the pain of anxiety is the other option. (1)

Every child does have a strong need to be accepted, yet what should we make of the fact that it gives him or her more power (and self-esteem) to reject someone else? This is an endless loop, the root cause of which is the solvable problem of anxiety. The myth of self-esteem

Sartatoga Teen Hangs Herself

I don’t know how you can measure the impact of bullying on our society. The suffering encountered at such an early and innocent age is deep and it’s rampant. Three 16 y/o boys raped a young girl in the Bay Area. What is much more disturbing is that instead of rallying to support her in a time of extreme distress, her classmates turned on her. A photo went viral. She was verbally abused both directly and over cyberspace. “Slut”. “Will you have sex with me?” She is now dead from hanging herself.

I was talking to a patient who was a middle-age school teacher. She was experiencing total body pain. She was clearly a broken woman and could hardly lift her head to look at me. She had been severely bullied throughout middle and high school and couldn’t shake it. The conversation with her was incredibly discouraging.

One of my colleagues had her son bullied badly beginning at age seven. Nothing seemed to work to stop it. Finally, at age 25 he simply gave up. He could no longer tolerate the relentless anxiety engendered by the experience. As sad as his mother was telling me his story, she felt that he was finally at peace. It was an intense moment to hear her say that about her own son.

Some observations

First, most bullying occurs at a level well below the teachers’ radar. Just being excluded from a group can be devastating. It is not going to be possible to put the responsibility solely on the their shoulders.

Second, our children are at an age where they are discovering and creating their identity. Most of it depends on some type of approval from their peers. For some reason the approval usually needs to come from the person or group who is the least likely to give it. When someone else defines your identity, that person has power over you.

Third, people wring their hands and point out that all of this should be done in the family. There are several significant problems with this thinking. I resent the term “dysfunctional family”. That implies that there are functional families. I have yet to see one. Humans consistently have significant problematic behavioral patterns, and is most deeply played out in the home setting.

Even if a child comes from a less dysfunctional family, they may become targets for the bullies. They are similar to a domestic animal turned loose into the wild. They either fold or become tough. Neither is great.

Fourth, the argument goes that school is an important socialization process. Really?? Going into an environment where peace, love and joy are hammered into the ground does not create a person who is loving and compassionate. They are just learning dysfunctional survival skills. Behavioral patterns set before age 12 are permanent. Bullies as children have a high chance of exhibiting aggressive behavior as adults as well as experiencing chronic pain. Many children with their egos destroyed will live the rest of their lives in fear.

Fifth, home-schooled children have been shown to do well later in life. My observation of several families that have taken it on is the their children are more creative and thrive without the hierarchy of the schoolroom. Here is an example of the work of some close friends of mine. They have been home-schooled and creativity oozes out of them. Beautiful

Sixth, look at what is happening to our society. We have a life that any generation prior to a hundred years ago could not imagine. Are we happier and more loving? We are passing along peace and love to our kids – especially in school. External possessions and accomplishments don’t change human nature. The incidence of chronic pain has skyrocketed in adolescents. (2)

Finally, there is a high correlation between the ACE score (Adverse Childhood Events) and disability. As pain drives anxiety and frustration and vice versa this shouldn’t be a surprise. These pathways are linked. We are not going to solve the chronic pain problem, which is crippling our society, unless we tackle it beginning in kindergarten. (3)

Solutions

Human behavior and survival revolves around avoiding anxiety. We’ll do anything to avoid the feeling, including holding on to our pain. Any change creates more anxiety. The key is learning to process and live with anxiety, so as to not have such a need for power.

Neuroscience research has shown us the powerful full body reaction that creates anxiety. You can’t control it, but you can calm and re-direct it. It is the core of the DOC process. Anxiety is the pain.

We’re also observing the power of the family in programming behaviors. Were you ever a bully? Do you still intimidate your co-workers, colleagues or family? Could your child’s bullying be learned from you? Were you bullied when you were younger? What effects of it might you be bringing into your current life? Are you often frustrated, angry or upset? What effect do you think it’s having on your quality of life? Do you even want to give up the power of your pain? You might have a legitimate reason to hold on to remaining upset? But who’s continuing to suffer?

Awareness

I think almost everyone agrees that bullying is a problem. However, we may not be aware that we might be part of the problem. The first step is understanding how your behavior might be perceived by those close to you. I can tell you it is a humbling exercise. A book given to me by a close colleague has had an impact on me. It is called, The Way to Love, by Anthony DeMello. He defines love as “awareness.” How can you meet someone’s need without understanding them or getting to know who that person is. Bullying would be the antithesis of awareness, as you are meeting only your own needs. I read a few pages weekly to remind me of the concepts.

Treating anxiety and anxiety with the correct approach on a widespread basis would have an effect on bullying, your child’s quality of life, and on your life. Commit to your own healing and reach out to heal your family. Watch the impact.

Although bullying is physically healthier than being bullied, it destroys the essence of life, which is healthy, thriving relationships. Bathing your body in reward chemicals emanating from giving back, a sense of purpose and play is a much better way to live.

1. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
2. Simons L, et al. “Pediatric Pain Screening Tool: rapid identification of risk in youth with pain complaints.” Pain (2015); 156: 1511-1518.
3. Anda RF, et al. “The enduring effects of abuse and related adverseexperiences in childhood. A convergence of evidence from neurobiology and epidemiology.” European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience (2006); 256: 174–186.

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Feeling safe

There are many benefits of feeling safe and secure, with the first one being your body’s chemical makeup consists of reward hormones and you feel great. The opposite occurs if you constantly feel on guard. It is in the first scenario that you feel free to create, explore, play and use your imagination. Your capacity to interact with the world in a meaningful and effective manner is increased.

When you are constantly on hyper-vigilant and trying to protect yourself from real or imagined threats, your short and long-term quality of life will be compromised. One of the effects is that more situations in the present will resemble what you learned was unsafe in your childhood. You will be over-reacting to scenarios that really aren’t dangerous, but your brain won’t know it. Your body will feel under threat and your chemical makeup will keep you on “high-alert”. It will be harder to relax and enjoy your life.

ACE score

This is documented by the ACE (adverse childhood experiences) study done in 1996. (1) A survey of challenging childhood circumstances was given to over 17,000 people and health surveys were administered. There were ten exposures.

Household dysfunction

• Substance Abuse
• Parental separation/ divorce
• Parent with mental illness
• Battered mother
• Criminal behavior

Abuse

• Physical
• Psychological
• Sexual

Neglect

• Emotional
• Physical

Only 30% of participants had a score of zero and 26% had a score of 3 or more. There were increased chances of severe health consequences with higher ACE scores.

• Depression/ anxiety
• Obesity/ eating Disorders
• Heart disease/ hypertension
• Suicide
• Teen high-risk behaviors/ pregnancy
• High risk of being a victim of domestic violence
• Substance abuse
• Smoking/ COPD
• Unstable home/ family life
• Poor workplace performance
• Early death

America, on the whole, is not doing a great job of parenting. We are modeling behaviors that we wouldn’t want to see in our children. My ACE score is five and I developed 17 of over 30 possible symptoms related to sustained exposure to high levels of stress hormones. My migraines began when I was five years-old. The list began to grow and reached 17 of them by the time I was 37. Yet no physician could provide an answer or a treatment approach. All of symptoms have resolved. But that is not the message of this article. It was your parent’s responsibility to both protect and nurture you. Mine did not. What about yours? What kind of home environment are you currently  creating for your family?

Oak tree vs army barrack

One of my favorite personal metaphors is that of a large Valley Oak tree, which were abundant in Napa Valley, CA before there were so many vineyards. I view the role of parents of being the trunk of the tree, providing stability. One responsibility is for each member to continue to evolve through awareness and self-exploration, which creates deeper roots and emotional support. The first responsibility of parents is to each other and continuing to create a lasting stable and loving relationship. The expansive branches are the opportunities for all the individuals in the family to be creative and also be protected from the elements.

The opposite scenario is that of a military barrack. There is rigid order and unwavering expectation that every command will be immediately responded to. Nothing you can or will do will be “good enough.” If you don’t comply as deemed adequate by one of your superiors, you will be disciplined and often harshly. You may be made into an example. You can never let your guard down, especially in the presence of your officers. The list of demands is endless with an equally long range of possible consequences. Does any of this feel familiar? I don’t what percent of families have this framework as the reference point, but based on the ACE data, I would daresay that it is high. Is it any wonder that so many of us have this voice in our heads of, “Not good enough.” It can be deeply embedded in your brain and you can’t outrun your mind.

There several factors that result in a home that more resembles an army barrack than a spreading oak tree.

• It was the way you were raised and the way parenting was modeled.
• Everyone has anxiety and it is intended create control behavior. The more control you exert, the less anxiety. Since your family is dependent on you, they cannot easily escape from your need for control.
• You have labeled yourself as the parent and somehow you have a responsibility to “raise your child” properly. I read a book, Parent Effectiveness Training when my son was young and thank goodness I read it so early. The book had a major impact on my life. One core principle is that the label of “child” disappears, and it becomes a human-to-human interaction. Prior to reading it, my obsession was discipline and control and I was highly critical of “permissive parents.”
• All of these family issues are dramatically magnified if one or both parents are suffering from chronic mental or physical pain. You are trapped, angry, and awareness of other’s needs is blocked. It is the essence of abuse.

Awareness

All of the healing process begins with awareness of what is happening in the current moment. What is your family environment like now? Each half of the couple needs to write it down and compare notes. If you can’t have a civil conversation, then you already have your answer. Anger that is often front and center will also block constructive dialogue.

Moving forward

What kind of family life would you like to create? What is your vision. This step should be done as a couple.

How do you want to accomplish it and what is the timeline? What doesn’t work is waiting your pain to first resolve. Every day your family is encompassed by anger, it is damaging them.

Any and every person has the capacity to thrive and move forward when starting from a strong foundation based on love, support, laughter, safety, and play. Eventual successes will be more sustained. One is also able to enjoy life.

It has been known for decades that employees thrive in this kind of work environment. Why not allow your family to thrive?

1. Anda RF, et al. The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood. A convergence of evidence from neurobiology and epidemiology. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience (2006); 256: 174–186.

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Conceptualizing pain

What is pain? We toss the word around a lot without really understanding what it actually means. A loud noise is uncomfortable. Bitter tastes are unpleasant. Ringing in your ears is more than annoying. What about when someone, “hurts your feelings?”

The way every living species of creatures evolved and survives is by processing multiple types of sensory input and interpreting the sum total of it as safe or dangerous. Then its behavior is directed towards safety and rewards while also avoiding threat. These automatic actions in response to this input keeps us in a neutral zone most of the time so we remain functional and comfortable.

Nociceptive pain

The name for this function of the nervous system is called, “the nociceptive system.” When the limits of safety are exceeded for a given part of the body, your receptors will signal danger and cause you to engage in corrective action. The intensity of the signal will depend on the input from a specific part of the body. For example, a bright spotlight shined in your eye would not be tolerated for very long. Your brain knows your eyes would be damaged quickly and the danger signal is sent out for you to close your eyes or move away from the light. But what if the same light was focused on the bottom of your foot? No problem because there is no threat from light alone to that part of your body. Pain is simply a warning signal that there is potential damage to a specific body part.

So, acute pain is necessary and protective. It is a gift and people who are born without a pain system don’t survive more than 10-15 years. They can’t sense danger. Tissues are destroyed and they die of infection. (1)

A nightmare

But there is nothing useful about chronic pain. A delicately balanced signaling system is out of kilter and it can no longer accurately interpret the environment. You are trapped by incredibly unpleasant sensations without any hope of escape. It may be one of the worst experiences of the human condition.

Based on the last 10 years of neuroscience research, new definitions of chronic pain are being created. Here is one proposed by the IASP.

IASP definitions of chronic pain

For the first time since 1979, the International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) revised its definition of pain. This was made necessary by the research showing clearly that pain could arise from sources other than physical tissue damage. Although the revision is a relatively small one, it has big implications for appreciating the complexity of pain and expanding our ability to assess and manage pain with multi-disciplinary approaches.

Old 1979 definition of chronic pain

“An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage or described in terms of such damage.”

Revised 2020 Definition

“An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with or resembling that associated with actual or potential tissue damage.”

This definition is expanded by 6 key points

1. Pain is always a personal experience that is influenced to varying degrees by biological, psychological, and social factors
2. Pain and nociception are different phenomena. Pain cannot be inferred solely from activity in sensory neurons.
3. Through their life experiences, individuals learn the concept of pain.
4. A person’s report of an experience as pain should be respected.
5. Although pain usually serves an adaptive role, it may have adverse effects on function and social and psychological well-being.
6. Verbal description is only one of several behaviors to express pain; inability to communicate does not negate the possibility that a human or a nonhuman animal experiences pain.

By adding the words resembling that associated with allows for an expanded understanding and appreciation of pain beyond that which was previously limited to actual tissue damage.

Dropping the phrase “describe” the pain, allows for acceptance of pain from those who may not have the ability to describe their pain whether infants, cognitively impaired individuals, those with communicative disorders, or any other reason that a description of pain may not be possible including nonhuman animals.

Commentary on the six key points

1. It logically has to be personal since each person is genetically different and we are programmed with regards to safety vs threat by our past. If you come from a less than nurturing background, more things in the present will seem dangerous because when you were younger they were dangerous. You will spend a higher percent of your time in a “high alert” and the sustained exposure to stress hormones and inflammation will create physical symptoms and serious diseases.
2. Acute pain is the danger signal that indicates that you have exceeded the safety limit of a given structure of your body. The nociceptive system keeps your behaviors in a range to protect you. Chronic pain happens when the signals have become disconnected from the environment and keep firing even in the presence of safety.
3. Pain being a learned experience is well established in the medical literature. One classic study involved looking at childhood trauma. A scoring system was developed called the ACE score (adverse childhood experiences) looking at 10 factors such as various kinds of abuse, parent(s) in prison, addicted to drugs, or having a mental health diagnosis. There is a marked increase in chronic diseases including chronic pain. (2)
4. Patients in chronic pain are often labeled. They include, “drug addict”, low pain threshold”, “faker”, “drug seeker”, “unmotivated”, and the list is endless. Often the labels are even more disparaging. No one likes being labeled. Once a person has been labeled, you can no longer “see them”. Since physical symptoms are created by the patient’s interaction with his or her environment, it is critical to know them and also their life circumstances. How can you solve any problem without deeply understanding it?
5. There is no usefulness in chronic pain. It is a disaster and it always interferes with function, social interactions, and psychological well-being – ALWAYS.
6. Chronic pain is so disruptive to every aspect of your life that words do not come close to describing the depth of suffering. It has been shown that the impact of chronic pain is greater than that of having terminal cancer. (3) The term that best reflects this condition is, “The Abyss.” It is a really dark place without a way out.

Unfortunately, mainstream medicine has not incorporated the last 20 years of neuroscience research into their treatment approach. It continues to recommend random simplistic treatments for a complex problem. It can’t and doesn’t work.

The new IASP definition is a start and opens the door for a better treatment paradigm. Chronic pain is solvable with an understanding of it and the principles behind the solutions. The starting point is for YOU to better understand it and then solve it with using the medical system as a resource. Once you take charge, it is game on.

1. Yancey, P and Paul Brand. Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants. DIANE Publishing Company (1999).
2. Anda RF, et al. “The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood. A convergence of evidence from neurobiology and epidemiology.” European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience (2006); 256: 174–186.
3. Fredheim OM, Kaasa S, Fayers P, Saltnes T, Jordhøy M, Bortchgrevink PC. Chronic non-malignant pain patients report as poor health-related quality of life as palliative cancer patients. Acta Anaesthesiol Scand. 2008;52(1):143-148. 

The post Clarifying the New IASP Definition of Chronic Pain first appeared on Back in Control.

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Consider the following:

Thoughts are the mental link to the environment that allows you to assess your situation second by second in order to make choices that allow you to first survive and then thrive. If our thoughts are pleasant our bodies will secrete chemicals such as oxytocin, growth hormone and dopamine that create a sense of relaxation and well-being.

Conversely, if you feel stressed then your thoughts will create a chemical environment consisting of adrenaline, cortisol and other hormones that create a sense of insecurity and dread. You will be motivated to control you or the situation to alleviate these feelings of anxiety. If you cannot escape or solve it, you will feel trapped and angry. If you are in a constant hyper-vigilant state, then your body will be continually on overdrive. It is like driving your car 70 mph down the freeway in second or third gear. It will break down much sooner than if you were in 5th gear and cruising.  Anxiety, Anger and Adrenaline

I am aware that life is not easy. Very few people can live their lives on “cruise.” Additionally, avoiding stress also becomes its own stress. You cannot run from your thoughts, which can torment you regardless of your environment. In fact, when I was in the most severe period of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) my mental distress was worse when I was less busy. OCD, BTW, is manifested by intrusive thoughts and extreme anxiety. Some day I will write about my battle with it in more detail but the only metaphor I can use to describe the experience is “having a hot branding iron on my brain”. The misery being in that hell of unrelenting anxiety is indescribable. OCD is no fun and not funny – extreme mental pain

Control

One of the main antidotes to anxiety is control. When you lose control your body will kick in more adrenaline to physically help you solve the problem. For example, if you were physically fighting someone for food to feed your family, the adrenaline boost would up your odds of winning. Unfortunately, just thoughts of danger can create the same chemical response even when there is no physical threat. Now you are in trouble because you have no way of physically solving the problem and there is not an endpoint.

Neurophysiologic Disorder (NPD)

There are many terms to describe the physical consequences of sustained levels of stress chemicals in your body. Some of them include Mind Body Syndrome (MBS), Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS), Central Sensitization Syndrome (CSS), and Stress Illness Disorder. The term I have chosen is “Neurophysiologic Disorder” (NPD). Your thoughts are the neurologic input to your nervous system that creates a physiological response. We are programmed to gravitate towards the reward chemicals and avoid the stress ones. Within a pretty wide range we are able to conduct our lives in a functional and enjoyable manner – except when we can’t. There are solutions to the problem, which are the focus of my book. However, consider the effects of not addressing it.

These next few paragraphs were part of a proposal to address the effects of high ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) scores beginning in elementary school that are directly linked to your responses to stress.  Aced Out

Effects of Untreated NPD and Anxiety

There are several ways that untreated Neurophysiologic Disorder (NPD) manifests itself. Remember that the main focus of the school project is to deal with the lifelong impact of adverse childhood events. The worse the ACE load, the higher will be the anxiety a child brings into the classroom. The devastating impact on mental and physical health of a high ACE score is well documented. This does not even take into account the power struggle that occurs amongst these students to deal with unrelenting anxiety. Bullying, at the moment, is not even counted in the ACE score.

First, NPD can directly cause over 33 different physical symptoms. Medicine is focused on treating symptoms instead of the root cause of a fired up nervous system. Many of these conditions will begin in childhood, such as migraine headaches, insomnia, anxiety, eating disorders, stomach pain, etc. My Battle with NPD

Second, anxiety is the result of sensory input also that drives anger. One common cause of anger is loss of control. When you lose your ability to control your anxiety the anger will become intense. Anger is always destructive, including self-destructive. Although it may not become manifested during school years, it eventually results in complete disregard for personal health. This is an addition to the symptoms directly caused by the MBS. My observation is that complete neglect of your health is akin to a “slow suicide.”

Third, anger is abusive. Chronic pain creates and indescribable depth of frustration. When you are angry, it is all about you. It is a survival response and you lose awareness of the needs around you. Lack of awareness is the essence of abuse. Families of patients in chronic pain become the targets of this deep anger, and hence the cycle of adverse childhood events continues. There is a high chance that these children will act out their frustrations at school. Also, their parents have modeled anger as the normal way of dealing with adversity. Pain = anger = abuse

Unrelenting anxiety/anger cause profound physical effects on your body. Another week I will present the data regarding mental health and life span. It is not a pretty picture.

Your Unconscious Brain

I am aware that no one intellectually wants to be sick or unhealthy. The solution lies in addressing pre-programmed behavioral patterns that are part of the unconscious brain. The unconscious brain is much more powerful than the conscious brain. Your conscious brain energies manifesting as “good intentions” or “will power” have no chance of solving the problem. You must utilize strategies that stimulate your brain to rewire. You cannot “fix” yourself because your attention is still on you. Solving the Unsolvable

The DOC project is a framework intended for you to organize your thinking in a manner to connect with your own body’s capacity to heal. Your unconscious brain will resist this process to the max. Just sit down with Stage 1 on this website and start the therapeutic writing as described in Step 2. Your brain will begin to change and you will be able to move forward.

So my feeling is the mental health is the highest priority. Your body’s chemistry is optimized, you are able to enjoy your life with your family and friends, and your capacity and motivation to care for your health will be higher.

Why are New Year’s resolutions so hard to keep?

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A surgeon’s perspective

David, Your early experience in training really struck home, as I heard this old classic song on the radio about the same day as I received your email.

Skip a Rope, the time and location; 1968, around time of MLK’s death, Nashville TN, 1st year Vanderbilt med school; this song was released years before its time. Psych courses meant little to me at the time as a budding surgeon who considered orthopedics to be simply mechanics ….fix what’s physically wrong and all will be OK. Move on to next broken bone.

Now, almost 50 years later, retired as an orthopedist, currently practicing addiction medicine, the impact of that song is more profound to me than the first year psych courses presented to a misdirected med student.

Most of my female (and a lot of males) addiction patients are also chronic pain patients. A review of the pain diagram and word descriptors frequently reveals vague, somewhat neuropathic, generalized pain. Often without any preceding injury or solid medical explanation. Next question is “do you have nightmares?” Response is typically a puzzled “yes”, as that is usually the only time any physician has ever asked that in connection with the pain. This then leads to the ACE questionnaire and the connection then is usually obvious. Frequently, they can be considered a chronic form of PTSD, which has led, at least in part, to inappropriate self-medication. As with the VA-recognized concept of PTSD treatment, sleep is the first consideration. and the use of specific medications usually improves or eliminates nightmares. This is how the healing process often now proceeds in my practice as a physician whose medical training focused on curing the physical ailment without sufficient understanding of mind body healing process.

Should have paid attention to the lyrics of Skip a Rope 50 years ago, but what do young medical students know anyway?

Best regards,  Gene Saiter

ACE

ACE stands for “Adverse Childhood Experiences”. Drs. Andra, Felliti and others published a landmark study in 1998 (1) looking at the long-term effect of these experiences in over 17,000 people. There were 10 ACE’s defined in three categories.

Household Dysfunction

• Substance abuse
• Parental separation/ divorce
• Mental illness
• Battered mother
• Criminal behavior

Abuse

• Psychological
• Physical
• Sexual

Neglect

• Emotional
• Physical

They clearly demonstrated a link between the ACE score and difficulties functioning later in life – the higher the score, the worse the adult problems. There is an endless amount of data that can be discussed but the most disturbing aspect of the study for me was that only about a third of people have an ACE score of zero. 26% had three or more. Our country overall  isn’t doing a competent job of parenting and all of us are paying the price.

What is your children’s ACE score?

I would also dare say that the incidence of ACE events is higher in a family where at least one of the members is suffering from chronic pain. If you have to ask why I would think that, then please read or re-read my book. Being trapped by pain is frustrating and often results in what Dr. Sarno called “rage”. It is completely understandable, but your family doesn’t deserve to be the target. Healing begins at home

You also have a legitimate gripe in that the medical profession isn’t meeting your need to become free of pain. We have no comprehensive training addressing it. We’re focused on “disease” and methods to “fix” you. We aren’t taught the concept that the mind and body are simply a unit. There is no separation. I asked Dr. Saiter if I could use his letter and here is his reply.

The knowledge gap

Thank you, David for your kind thoughts. I am more than willing to share my name and these treatment experiences, as it took me many years to discover the techniques I now employ with addiction and pain. I owe much of this to Jennifer who directed me to Vincent Felitti’s articles pertaining to long-term effects of ACE scores. Unfortunately, this medical knowledge is not taught in usual medical curriculum, nor is proper use of opioids for that matter, but it should be. Gene

Dr. Luskin’s perspective

I am not writing this post to let you off of the hook. The past is done and there is nothing you can do about it. Dr. Luskin, a friend of mine and author of Forgive for Good summed it up nicely at one of the workshops my wife and I put on with him at the Omega Institute. Here is a rough version of his thoughts.

“It is a tragedy to have your life ruined by your parents. However, to hold on to it 50 years later does not make any sense. It is fine to be upset that they harmed you until you were 18 years old. Then you must acknowledge that you took over and continued to ruin your own life.”

The bigger tragedy

Take responsibility for every aspect of your own life. Write down a list of everyone and everything you can blame for screwing up your life. It will become ridiculous quickly. What is a bigger tragedy is that you are continuing to blame the past and now adding to the world’s misery instead of being a source of joy.

I am not saying that this is an easy task and it does take specific tools, which are different for everyone. My ACE score was greater than 4. I first had no awareness, as I thought that this was the way everyone was raised. I did spend my life blaming the world for my unhappiness. I also thought that this was reasonable. My familial programming runs deep and I still find an endless number of ways to remain in a victim role. I was fortunate to have discovered methods to let me out of my mental trap. But I’m also aware and I have lost any of my excuses. So have you. Choose to not be a victim

There are numerous solutions proposed to solve this problem of poor parenting. I have heard variations of these thoughts for over 40 years. They generally are focused on somehow improving parenting in the home. It is not possible to get into enough families’ lives to make a major societal impact. However you can make a make a difference by taking full responsibility for your own life and break up the cycle of abuse within your own family. If you are in pain, frustrated, and do not think you are abusive, think again. Anger is self-centered, destroys awareness and is abusive. The first step is to become aware of the effect of pain and anger on your family and your life. Pain = Anger = Abuse

An excellent resource on awareness is Anthony Demello’s book, The Way to Love. 

Maybe you were ACE’d out but don’t ACE out your family.

1. Felitti VJ, Anda Rf, Nordenberg D, et al. The relationship of adult health status to childhood abuse and household dysfunction. American Journal of Preventive Medicine (1998); 14:245-258.

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