A chaotic, even abusive upbringing predicts a long and harsh life. There are many chronic mental and physical health issues that occur that shorten lifespan and also markedly compromise quality of life. Raised in this environment, a child cannot reach his or her full potential when so much energy is consumed by trying to survive. Consider a young plant in rich soil with plenty of sunlight and water. Compare it to the same plant in poor soil, limited sunlight, little water. It may even look a different species.

Feeling unsafe

When we don’t feel safe, we’ll do whatever we can to achieve it. Feeling unsafe drives many, if not most destructive behaviors. Feel trapped causes us to react aggressively to solve the situation. The physiological response is called anger, which represents the body’s powerful last-ditch effort to regain control.

Since the most stressful problems are ones we can’t solve, sustained anger (threat physiology) turns into rage, destructive behaviors, and chronic illnesses as the body breaks down. Consider how many life situations are unsolvable. One of the deadliest and universal problems is feeling trapped by our thoughts.

We cannot escape our thoughts. Suppressing unpleasant thoughts fires up the threat response even more than experiencing them. Suppression causes the hippocampus (memory center) of the brain to shrink¹ and increases craving for opioids.²  Distracting ourselves with experiences, pursuing pleasure, adventures, and achievements also fires up the immune system.³

So how do we behave?

ADDICTIONS

Addictions create a sense of safety while engaged in the activity, but obviously are not long-term solutions. The reason addictions are so destructive is they temporarily mask mental and physical pain, and pursuing relief is compelling.

POWER

A deadly outcome of feeling chronically unsafe is the relentless pursuit of power in order to gain more control. It can’t and doesn’t work, but few of us are taught alternatives. The manifestations are almost infinite and infiltrate every domain of our lives and relationships with others. People closest to us are the most affected. No one wants to be controlled, yet trying to control others is almost universal. Anger is generated in those being controlled and also in those exerting control. There is never enough to assuage the unconscious brain. Unfortunately, anger is intentionally destructive, as it is your body’s last-ditch effort to survive emotionally or physically.

The data is deep, beginning in the schoolyard. We try to avoid anxiety, or – if we already have it – we try to get rid of it. Nothing enhances our feeling of control more than by gaining power in some way. This need is expressed in our interactions with each other; in fact, it dictates much of human relations.

Every child has significantly increased anxiety when they leave home to begin school, regardless of their family situation. They want to be accepted but there is also the greater need to diminish their fear. The need to get rid of fear and gain power is played out in forming cliques, excluding others, and overt bullying.

Researchers did a study of students who have been bullied versus the bullies to see if there was any difference in their physiological makeup. ⁴ They looked at the levels of a substance called C-reactive protein (CRP), which is elevated in the presence of inflammation; it’s often drawn to determine the presence of a hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. It is not desirable to have an elevated CRP.

The study revealed that children who had been bullied had significantly elevated levels of CRP compared to those who had not been bullied. Being bullied as your introduction to the real world is not a great start. What I find even more disturbing is that the levels of CRP in bullies was lower than the norm. As it turns out, there is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up power and control? Especially when feeling the pain of anxiety is the other option.

Every child has a strong need to be accepted, yet what should we make of the fact that it gives him or her more power (and self-esteem) to reject someone else? This is an endless loop, the root cause of which is the solvable problem of anxiety.

SELF-ESTEEM

The other as futile effort to counteract these deeply upleasant survival sensations is to pursue more self-esteem. This is problematic for seversal reasons. First, it is a gross mismatch of your unconsious brain overpowering your conscious brain by about a million to one. Anxiety and anger are hardwired automatic survival reactions over which we have absolutely no control.

Second, the unconscious brain never stops for a millisecond and is always on the lookout for danger. It is why we evolved and stay alive. The conscious brain’s attention is not sustainable and we quickly develop cognitive fatigue trying to stay happy. We also become physically tired as 20 to 25% of your entire body’s energy is used to run your brain.

Third, we are programmed by everyone around us about who we should be or not be. These voices in our heads become as concrete as any object and we act on them. Unfortunately, the “stories” in our heads are essentially all cognitive distortions. Self-esteem represents a huge distortion of labeling. We expend a tremendous amount of energy building up our ego, and then spend endless efforts defending it. The relentless pursuit of self-esteem disconnects us from the reality immediately in front of us. In other words, you lose awareness of other’s needs and relationships are compromised. Look at the human experience of how terribly we treat each other as individuals and societies. We have the resources to create a planet that could thrive yet we are at the mercy of our personal and societal “stories.”

What can you do?

Learn vulnerability. Being vulnerable is at the core of meaningful human relationships, but there is no reward in nature for being physically vulnerable.  Since emotional pain is processed in similar regions of the brain as physical pain, there are penalties for being emotionally vulnerable. Language creates a massive problem causing emotional pain that is much more complex than in other mammals. Anger, as unpleasant as it is, is powerful, addicting, and masks being vulnerable. Anger creates a sense of emotional safety, but no one around you feels safe. How do you learn to be vulnerable when you are used to dealing with a lot of anger?

DYNAMIC HEALING

Needing to pursue the above-mentioned destructive behaviors drops as you address the root cause of sustained threat physiology. You cannot control the survival reactions but there are numerous ways to regulate your physiology. When your body is bathed in safety physiology, you feel safe, connected, and incredibly relaxed. We use the term, “dynamic healing”, which addresses factors affecting your physiology.

• Input – dealing with life’s challenges in a manner that less impact on your nervous system.
• State of the nervous system – calm or hyperactive
• Output or the physiology – can be directly regulated from threat to safety.

The details of the Dynamic Healing model are beyond the scope of this discussion. The focus is on you and learning skills in each category to create “cues of safety”, and not on fixing or solving your pain. It is a healing process, and not “self-help”.

RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts)

Regarding the onslaught of unpleasant thoughts, consider the metaphor of a hornet’s nest, with the nest being your brain, and the hornets your thoughts. At rest, the hornets are busy collecting food, building the nest, cleaning house, and reproducing. If the nest is shaken, the hornets will become aggressive and defend themselves. When your nervous system is inflamed and hyperactive, your thought patterns become intense, since your conscious brain interprets your internal physiology.

The usual approach is to use cognitive rational techniques to counter bad thoughts with good thoughts, which is an impossible task. Then we put up our “shield” (self-esteem, self-affirmations) to protect us. It also overwhelming and wears us down. Exerting increased control (suppression) is also futile. Then the more attention you pay to the thoughts your brain is fired up even more. It is a bi-directional process.

The answer lies in “quit shaking the nest.” The hornets will calm down and return to their usual activities. As your nervous system calms down, your unpleasant thought patterns will lessen, which in turn helps calm your brain. Although cognitive approaches lower the input into the nervous system, calming it down is a separate skill. There are endless other ways besides unpleasant thoughts that fire it up.

There are four aspects of creating a safe relationhip with your thoughts.

• Thought separation
• Calming the nervous system (processing anger)
• Creativity – stimulating new neurological circuits away from the unpleasant ones.
• Dissolution of the ego – once you learn to feel safe, there is less need for it.

Calming your nervous system allows you to feel safe. It allows you to break free of ruminating thought patterns frees you up to create and live life on your terms.

References

1. Hulbert JC, et al. Inducing amnesia through systemic suppression. Nature Communications (2016); 7:11003 | DOI: 10.1038/ncomms11003
2. Garland EL, et al. Thought suppression as a mediator of the association between depressed mood and prescription opioid craving among chronic pain patients. J Behav Med (2016); 39:128–138. 10.1007/s10865-015-9675-9
3. Cole SW, et al. Social Regulation of gene expression in human leukocytes. Genome Biology (2007); 8:R189. doi: 10.1186/gb-2007-8-9-r189
4. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.

The post Our Need to Feel Safe first appeared on Back in Control.

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Anxiety, Power, and Bullying

To be connected to other people is one of the strongest human drives. Humans evolved by interacting with other humans. We also have a deep need for acceptance. This sets up a serious contradiction because our even deeper need is to avoid anxiety.

We try to avoid anxiety, or – if we already have it – we try to get rid of it. One common method we use is to increase our sense of control. Nothing enhances our feeling of control more than by gaining power in some way. This tendency comes out in our interactions with each other; in fact, it dictates much of human relations.

Every child has significantly increased anxiety when they leave home to begin school, regardless of their family situation. They want to be accepted but there is also the greater need to diminish their fear. The need to get rid of fear and gain power is played out in forming cliques, excluding others, and overt bullying.

Researchers did a study of students who have been bullied versus the bullies to see if there was any difference in their physiological makeup. They looked at the levels of a substance called C-reactive protein (CRP), which is elevated in the presence of inflammation; it’s often drawn to determine the presence of a hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. It is not desirable to have an elevated CRP.

The study revealed that children who had been bullied had significantly elevated levels of CRP compared to those who had not been bullied. Being bullied as your introduction to the real world is not a great start. What I find even more disturbing is that the levels of CRP in bullies was lower than the norm. As it turns out, there is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up power and control? Especially when feeling the pain of anxiety is the other option. (1)

Every child does have a strong need to be accepted, yet what should we make of the fact that it gives him or her more power (and self-esteem) to reject someone else? This is an endless loop, the root cause of which is the solvable problem of anxiety. The myth of self-esteem

Sartatoga Teen Hangs Herself

I don’t know how you can measure the impact of bullying on our society. The suffering encountered at such an early and innocent age is deep and it’s rampant. Three 16 y/o boys raped a young girl in the Bay Area. What is much more disturbing is that instead of rallying to support her in a time of extreme distress, her classmates turned on her. A photo went viral. She was verbally abused both directly and over cyberspace. “Slut”. “Will you have sex with me?” She is now dead from hanging herself.

I was talking to a patient who was a middle-age school teacher. She was experiencing total body pain. She was clearly a broken woman and could hardly lift her head to look at me. She had been severely bullied throughout middle and high school and couldn’t shake it. The conversation with her was incredibly discouraging.

One of my colleagues had her son bullied badly beginning at age seven. Nothing seemed to work to stop it. Finally, at age 25 he simply gave up. He could no longer tolerate the relentless anxiety engendered by the experience. As sad as his mother was telling me his story, she felt that he was finally at peace. It was an intense moment to hear her say that about her own son.

Some observations

First, most bullying occurs at a level well below the teachers’ radar. Just being excluded from a group can be devastating. It is not going to be possible to put the responsibility solely on the their shoulders.

Second, our children are at an age where they are discovering and creating their identity. Most of it depends on some type of approval from their peers. For some reason the approval usually needs to come from the person or group who is the least likely to give it. When someone else defines your identity, that person has power over you.

Third, people wring their hands and point out that all of this should be done in the family. There are several significant problems with this thinking. I resent the term “dysfunctional family”. That implies that there are functional families. I have yet to see one. Humans consistently have significant problematic behavioral patterns, and is most deeply played out in the home setting.

Even if a child comes from a less dysfunctional family, they may become targets for the bullies. They are similar to a domestic animal turned loose into the wild. They either fold or become tough. Neither is great.

Fourth, the argument goes that school is an important socialization process. Really?? Going into an environment where peace, love and joy are hammered into the ground does not create a person who is loving and compassionate. They are just learning dysfunctional survival skills. Behavioral patterns set before age 12 are permanent. Bullies as children have a high chance of exhibiting aggressive behavior as adults as well as experiencing chronic pain. Many children with their egos destroyed will live the rest of their lives in fear.

Fifth, home-schooled children have been shown to do well later in life. My observation of several families that have taken it on is the their children are more creative and thrive without the hierarchy of the schoolroom. Here is an example of the work of some close friends of mine. They have been home-schooled and creativity oozes out of them. Beautiful

Sixth, look at what is happening to our society. We have a life that any generation prior to a hundred years ago could not imagine. Are we happier and more loving? We are passing along peace and love to our kids – especially in school. External possessions and accomplishments don’t change human nature. The incidence of chronic pain has skyrocketed in adolescents. (2)

Finally, there is a high correlation between the ACE score (Adverse Childhood Events) and disability. As pain drives anxiety and frustration and vice versa this shouldn’t be a surprise. These pathways are linked. We are not going to solve the chronic pain problem, which is crippling our society, unless we tackle it beginning in kindergarten. (3)

Solutions

Human behavior and survival revolves around avoiding anxiety. We’ll do anything to avoid the feeling, including holding on to our pain. Any change creates more anxiety. The key is learning to process and live with anxiety, so as to not have such a need for power.

Neuroscience research has shown us the powerful full body reaction that creates anxiety. You can’t control it, but you can calm and re-direct it. It is the core of the DOC process. Anxiety is the pain.

We’re also observing the power of the family in programming behaviors. Were you ever a bully? Do you still intimidate your co-workers, colleagues or family? Could your child’s bullying be learned from you? Were you bullied when you were younger? What effects of it might you be bringing into your current life? Are you often frustrated, angry or upset? What effect do you think it’s having on your quality of life? Do you even want to give up the power of your pain? You might have a legitimate reason to hold on to remaining upset? But who’s continuing to suffer?

Awareness

I think almost everyone agrees that bullying is a problem. However, we may not be aware that we might be part of the problem. The first step is understanding how your behavior might be perceived by those close to you. I can tell you it is a humbling exercise. A book given to me by a close colleague has had an impact on me. It is called, The Way to Love, by Anthony DeMello. He defines love as “awareness.” How can you meet someone’s need without understanding them or getting to know who that person is. Bullying would be the antithesis of awareness, as you are meeting only your own needs. I read a few pages weekly to remind me of the concepts.

Treating anxiety and anxiety with the correct approach on a widespread basis would have an effect on bullying, your child’s quality of life, and on your life. Commit to your own healing and reach out to heal your family. Watch the impact.

Although bullying is physically healthier than being bullied, it destroys the essence of life, which is healthy, thriving relationships. Bathing your body in reward chemicals emanating from giving back, a sense of purpose and play is a much better way to live.

1. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
2. Simons L, et al. “Pediatric Pain Screening Tool: rapid identification of risk in youth with pain complaints.” Pain (2015); 156: 1511-1518.
3. Anda RF, et al. “The enduring effects of abuse and related adverseexperiences in childhood. A convergence of evidence from neurobiology and epidemiology.” European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience (2006); 256: 174–186.

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 Polishing Rocks

 “Now, as for stability, check out the way stones are polished in a tumbler. It all starts with these rather nondescript, encrusted rocks that only a trained eye could see had something precious about them. Add a bit of water, a good amount of sand or other annoying grit, and the rocks tumble and tumble until they come out shiny gems. All their rough edges, the hardened muck and mire of ages – it vanishes! The process is so simple, the results seem almost unbelievable.

Well, maybe, maybe not… Ask one of those rocks! While the rock and all of its companions are being polished into jewel-like luster, they (and all that grit) are continually scraping and jostling each other. And let’s not forget all the water that facilitates things!

The gritty water essential to both enclosure and stability is sometimes annoying to the tumbling community. But that doesn’t remove its usefulness. The spinning employed, at times intense, is the harsh reality of objectivity and outside-referenced truth. Like any rock tumbler or community, everybody gets polished, one way or the other. How very like Benedictine stability in community and the enclosure of the monastery! Community is any connected group, workplace, or home. Enclosure is your home, as well as your heart.

Without being obsessive, or making the people who live with you crazy, guard what comes into your enclosure –  both heart and home. There is a switch on your TV. There is a less visible, but equally effective one on your mouth. There is a useful one on your heart and thoughts, too.

Guard the people who tumble about getting polished with you, too, especially the annoying ones. While they are tough to be around, they are the ones doing you the most good! Without the abrasions they share with you, the process would take much longer.”

My colleague’s final comment was, “Well, it sure looks like I am being called to pay close attention to the tumblers in my life!”

Rock crusher

What about when the tumbling becomes too extreme? When the force of contact goes beyond abrasion and leaves scars? After talking to hundreds of couples dealing with chronic pain, I became aware of people caught in a rock-crushing relationship.

A rock crusher takes large rocks and breaks them down into smaller and smaller pieces. The end result is usually gravel, but can be as fine as sand. There is no resemblance to the original rock, and it certainly isn’t polished.

When people are angry, they are reactive and often aggressive to those close to them, whether it is at home or work. When you are consumed and trapped by pain, anger is an understandable response. However, the support system that you need to move forward is destroyed and pushed away.

The bigger problem with acting out when you are angry is that you lose awareness of the impact of your behavior on those around you. Anger completely blocks awareness, which is the essence of any successful relationship. Lack of awareness is the essence of abuse, which can range from mild to extreme. It isn’t logical that you would treat people you love so poorly, yet in my clinic, we heard about it on a daily basis. The partner or spouse was usually the target, but often children were in the line of fire. Anger is only about survival and is destructive. Protect your family from your pain

The essence of  a relationship

While mulling over the differences between a rock tumbler and a rock crusher, I came across this piece written by one of my medical school classmates. He has also been married for over 40 years.

“For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationship because everything isn’t ‘perfect’…here is some food for thought:

Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It’s not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It’s not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep. It’s not a clean home filled with laughter and love making every day.

It’s someone who steals all the covers, and snores. It’s slammed doors, and a few harsh words at times.

It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal, and then you find forgiveness.

It’s coming home to the same person every day that loves and cares about you in spite of (and because of), who you are.

It’s laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid.

It’s about dirty laundry and unmade beds.

It’s about helping each other with the hard work of life.

It’s about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud.

It’s about eating the easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour because you both had a crazy day.

It’s when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays down with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay. And you believe them.

It’s about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.

Loving someone isn’t always easy – sometimes it’s hard. But it is amazing and comforting and one of the best things you will ever experience.”

Who are you?

Committing to staying in the tumbler with your partner is a humbling and rewarding experience, although it would be nice if there was an easier way. And we all need to acknowledge the different roles that we play in one another’s lives. Are you tumbling or crushing?

This idea extends to all relationships.

What about work? If you are the supervisor, are you listening and supporting your staff, or are you overly focused on enforcing the rules?

What about your children? Do you remain flexible and adaptive, or do you take advantage of your power over them?

Are you sticking with toxic relationships out of fear?

Are you willing to continue to work on a friendship when he or she has behaved badly, but expresses a sincere desire to change?

No one can answer these questions but you.

So again, I ask – are you in the tumbler or have you jumped out?  Are you being crushed or crushing? Becoming aware is the first step in moving forward.

.

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Can’t escape your thoughts

It turns out in recent neuroscience research that thoughts are also sensory inputs that create the same bodily responses as other physical sensations. Pleasant input yields reward chemicals and a feeling of contentment. Unpleasant input stimulates stress hormones and you’ll feel anxious. What you’re experiencing is the body’s chemical surges. The problem with human consciousness is that you cannot escape your thoughts. They will progressively become stronger over your lifetime regardless of your defense mechanisms – unless you address them correctly.

One of the “solutions” for anxiety, or rather the normal response to it, is control. The reaction to a threat is to control the situation or your response in order to resolve it. So, all the players in this game are focused on gaining more control, which means that more power is desirable. So what we call “socialization” is simply a massive power struggle. This set of behaviors continues to play out in adulthood with horrendous results. Why would these early patterns change even though we intellectually know that love, peace and compassion are better principles by which to live our lives? Because these survival behaviors are part of the unconscious brain and are about a million times stronger than the conscious brain. Anxiety basics

Anger is anxiety with a chemical kick

When you lose control or are trapped by anything, including your thoughts you will become angry. Anger = loss of control It is the body’s survival response to elevate the stress chemicals that will improve your chances of solving a problem. Since we cannot escape our thoughts, we are all under an endless adrenaline/ cortisol / histamine assault. These sustained levels of stress chemicals affect every cell in the body and translate into many different physical symptoms. You’ll eventually become physically ill. Mental or physical health – which is more critical?

The patterns of behavior are established on the school ground and play out through adulthood. Every child has anxiety with it being more of a problem if he or she is from an abusive family. Aced Out They are thrown into the school system without any awareness what it is or how to process it. Then they are taught that having more self-esteem is a desirable trait – except that it isn’t. Achieving self-esteem now means that your self-worth is dependent on the approval of others who are also searching for an identity. You are also trying to utilize conscious means to solve a problem that originates in the powerful unconscious brain. It’s a mismatch and is an endless deadly loop. The myth of self-esteem

The need for power and control

Bullying is one of the earliest individual manifestations of the need to gain power to deal with anxiety. There’s even a physiological reward for being a bully. It has been shown that children who are bullied have an elevated C-reactive protein compared to those who haven’t been bullied. This is a marker of inflammation and high levels are associated with many disease states. What I find particularly disturbing is that the bullies had significantly lower levels of these markers. (1) Power has its rewards. School or prison – what is the difference? Bullying

What is even more problematic is the cultural effect of untreated anxiety / anger has on the human condition. Human history is one of unending power struggles and violence. People in power use fear to subjugate other people. This occurs in families, at work and at a societal level. It is the history of the human existence. For example, it has been the custom of nations to systematically torture conquered populations as the first act of rule. Do you think this is outdated and irrelevant? Seattle has a remarkable center that treats the survivors of torture from around the world. Their data shows that there are still over 118 nations that utilize political torture.

The Future

Although statistics show that the world has less violence than it ever has, it’s still pretty awful and seems to be getting worse. The basic power struggle at the individual and collective level hasn’t changed. We are also headed down a dangerous path in that teen anxiety / chronic pain has gone up over 800% in a decade. Many people in their late teens, twenties and early thirties are suffering from crippling anxiety. I’m seeing this play out in my office every week. They are also angry, reactive and often not open to new ideas. This group is headed into taking charge in their family and workplace with a large percent lacking resilience skills. I am seeing many buckle quickly and also am seeing a disturbing trend of workers being bullied by managers.

We have to get this right – and soon. Every person has anxiety, whether they feel connected to it or not. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the incredible comforts of living in this modern era we are becoming more reactive and angry (destructive).

Although psychology has a role in dealing with anxiety, the current paradigm of addressing it can’t work and it isn’t working. If anxiety is the survival sensation created by your body’s stress chemicals, the correct approach is to use tools to decrease these hormones. Psychology has to be combined with these other strategies. There are numerous effective ways of accomplishing this and these form the essence of the DOC process.

Implementing methods to regulate the body’s stress chemicals are simple and could be taught in school starting as early as pre-school. This would decrease the need for more power and creativity could flourish. Consider the impact of treating this as a public health issue and teaching how to effectively calm down the nervous as a part of the basic school curriculum.

Untreated anxiety is the most important public health issue on our planet. It’s the root cause of destructive behavior. Our human survival will depend on us addressing it correctly as a neurochemical survival response. We do have the knowledge and means to accomplish this task.

Listen to the Back in Control Radio podcast Societal Disintegration – Untreated Anxiety.

1. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.

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Larry’s Note

“It was only when I lay there on rotting prison concrete that I sensed within myself the first strings of good. Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes and not between political parties either – but right through every human heart and through all human hearts . . . . . . .   Mike (the counselor) helped me nourish my soul there and I say without hesitation, “Bless you prison and Mike for having been in my life. I see the stars through the bars.”

Stanford Prison Experiment

I think all have us have wondered what we would do if we were in a situation where you were placed in a position of absolute power over other people. This TED talk by Phil Zimbardo reveals a chilling answer. It has been demonstrated in several experiments that circumstances dictate behavior more than who you are. He conducted a now famous Stanford Prison Experiment in 1972. He arbitrarily divided a group of young men into “prisoners” and “guards”. These were normal people as volunteers with mental health issues were screened out. The experiment began with the City Police “arresting” the “prisoners” and processing them into jail. The behavior of the “guards” rapidly became quite abusive. It deteriorated to the point where they halted the two-week experiment after only five days. Several of the volunteers had mental breakdowns.

Milgram experiment

He cites another famous social experiment performed by Stanley Milgram in 1963. Volunteers, who were the” teachers”, were asked to administer an electric shock to a “learner” who was administered an electric shock every time he or she missed a simple question. The study was presented as measuring the effectiveness of negative reinforcement on improving learning. It was really intended to find out how much “punishment” the volunteer teacher was willing to administer to the learner.

The “learner” was a researcher who simulated the verbal reaction of progressive “electric shocks”, which the he was not really receiving. However the volunteer “teacher” did think that he or she was actually administering the “punishment”. There was a scientist encouraging the “teacher” to keep pushing the button in spite of the loud screams of the “learner”. The original thoughts were that only a small percent of the volunteers would continue to push the buttons, but it turned out that 65% of them continued up into the “lethal range”. Nobody liked the outcome of this experiment since it was felt that only zealots and sociopaths would be the ones to act in this manner. It turns out that this potential behavior exists in all of us. The situational variables can be the more powerful influence on our behavior. It also turns out that power without accountability is a major factor.

One of Dr. Zimbardo’s quotes is, “The line between good and evil is permeable and almost anyone can be induced to cross it when pressured by situational forces.”

Dr. Zimbardo’s TED talk, The Psychology of Evil

Your family

In a family situation there is little accountability for bad behavior. What is even more problematic that anger, which is universal in chronic pain, clouds your awareness of the impact of anger on those close to you. Many if not most people that are angry are not even aware that there is a problem. The essence of abuse is lack of awareness. Anger is the antithesis of awareness and is abusive. It is present in every human being and you have to first be aware of it before you can address it. Unfortunately, those who are the most vulnerable suffer the most from since they are easy targets. Pain=Anger=Abuse

I often ask my patients to ask his or her family members what it is like for them when he or she is angry. Is your family excited to see you walk through the door or are they afraid of what might erupt. Invariably they return quite shaken up. I do not have the time or expertise to get into the details. My strong advice is to simply, “Stop it.” There are no excuses or shortcuts on this one. Anger is irrational and destructive. I also ask them to create a detailed action plan of what all the members of the family can do when the anger erupts.

I also ask my patients to not give any unasked for advice to his or her spouse or children for a month. Only listen. Everyone’s eye’s widen. I will admit that this is difficult and I also struggle with this one. Just listen. It is where awareness begins. BTW, it is much more interesting. Protect Your Family from Your Pain

Good and evil are in all of us

 As well-intentioned and good of a person you might be all of us have the potential to be abusive. The combination of anger, power over your family and little accountability is similar to that which was created in these experiments. Do you want your household to be a haven or hell? It is completely your choice.

The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello

The post “Stars Through the Bars” first appeared on Back in Control.

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I have been aware that many partners remain noticeably silent during my interviews with the patient. At the end of the visit I assign homework. The first step is to have my patient learn about chronic pain. I give them a copy of my book or suggest that they read any book that they might prefer. I schedule a repeat visit within a few weeks to discuss the concepts and develop a plan.

I will also ask his or her partner to learn about pain and fully engage in the DOC project. “If you don’t have chronic pain, just use the word ‘stress’ or ‘anxiety.” I point  out that it would be beneficial for them personally to immerse themselves in the concepts. The tools are excellent stress management technique

The benefits to the patient

But the main reason I ask his or her partner to fully engage is that there is a neurological phenomenon of mirror neurons. Actions and words directly stimulate similar parts of the other’s brain. For example, when you smile at a baby he or she will usually smile back. It is not because the baby is happy. The smiling center of the baby’s brain was stimulated. It is a similar process when a person’s laugh will usually cause others to laugh – even though they have no idea what they are laughing at.

I then ask my patient’s partner the question, “What is your day like when your partner is having a bad day?” The response is uniformly, “Bad.” I point out that what do you think your partner’s day is like when you are upset. Many have not thought about that possibility. Maybe they are ruining the day for him or her? I explain that this is not a psychological phenomenon but it is neurological through the mirror neuron effect. Conversely, if he or she is also healing and growing it will stimulate the healthier parts of their partner’s brain. I have long observed that couples who both participate benefit greatly.

In spite of my being as clear (blunt) as I can, it is rare that a partner will engage without me nagging three or four times and even then they resist. This is often true even when they observe their partner experiencing dramatic healing. Why?

Why won’t partners engage?

I just have some thoughts. Based on my personal experience being raised by a mother in chronic pain it is clear that the person in pain has a lot of power within the family. My mother was endlessly angry and was physically and emotionally abusive. She also always got her way – regardless of the consequences. Anytime she was challenged she retreated to her room because she did not feel well. Her pain and behavior would delay and destroy simple family events. She felt she had the right to lash out at anyone anytime she wanted to. Pain=Anger=Abuse

No matter how committed a partner might be it is very difficult to live with someone in pain. How could you not be resentful? Although you might consciously want your partner to feel better, I am guessing that there might be some deep, buried feelings that would block supportive action.

What needs are being met?

Chronic pain is also a complex family issue in that to remain together as a couple there must be needs that are being met by their partner being ill.   Do they have an unconscious need to be controlled? Has he or she been abused in the past and it is a familiar pattern? If a person in a family gets better then it calls the others out. They have lost some of their own excuses not to heal. I have witnessed patients improve, even for a few years, get pulled back into the disabled role by intense family pressure. Breaking Loose – Not Quite

Dr. Bernie Siegel’s Observations

I have enjoyed getting to know and work with Dr. Siegel, who is a surgeon and author of several books, including Love, Medicine and Miracles. He has taught me a lot about human nature and has helped many people with serious diseases tap into their own healing powers. He has some insights into the family dynamics around pain.

“If I don’t have my pain how do I get attention?”

SIEGEL’S SIGN

When everyone in the family looks worn or ill and one person doesn’t guess who has the ‘pain’.”

“One family told me they hired a nurse for their sick sister and she would wake them up at night and let the nurse sleep. Also I guaranteed her a cure at her next office visit and privately told the family to watch what happens. She never returned to the office but would meet me in the ER now and then for help.”

It has become clear to me that many people don’t want to give up their pain. Even though they are still truly suffering, they somehow become addicted to power of it and the ability to retain the attention of the whole family. There is also the trend for a family member to assume the identity of a caretaker to the point of neglecting his or her own needs.

Are you really willing to give up the power of your pain? It is anxiety-producing to give up lifelong behavioral patterns? You might be one of the people I have asked to help out with healing my patient and your life partner. How serious are you about really wanting him or her to experience a rich and full life? Could you be the person who is having some your needs met by taking care of someone who is disabled? Most of this occurs at a deep unconscious level. I am encouraging you to take a good look at your family dynamics. The fact you are reading this post is a good start.

The Crab Bucket 

The post Pain Rules the Roost first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Pain Rules the Roost appeared first on Back in Control.

I will never forget a 40 year-old woman I met in the office a few years ago. She had suffered from chronic pain that enveloped almost her entire body since her late teenage years. She was anxious, depressed, and would barely lift her head to talk to me. The depth of her sadness struck me. She did not have a structural spine problem, and I began to discuss some of the ways she could approach solving her chronic pain. Shortly into the conversation she related to me that she had been severely bullied in high school and in spite of her best efforts she did not seem to be able to get past it. I never saw her back.

Dreams shattered

I was pretty shaken by the encounter in that she seemed so broken. I was talking to my assistant about the encounter and she told me a story about her daughter that happened in high school. She loved animals and had a cat that she adored. Her dream was to become a veterinarian. She was asked to the prom by a boy she did not care for and turned him down. He became very aggressive. He and a friend began to taunt her and threatened to kill her cat. They did. They killed her cat and then proceeded to make cat sounds every time they saw her at school. Her life was never the same and she did not pursue her dream. As a cat lover this story was quite upsetting to me.

Bullying affects the body’s chemistry

A study was reported in the New York Times last week about the effects on the body’s chemistry from being bullied. C-reactive protein (CRP) is a blood test that measures the level of inflammation in the body. It is sensitive and I order it frequently if I am suspicious of an infection. High levels have been correlated with heart disease.

The study was out of the department of psychiatry from Duke University. Researchers followed 1420 boys and girls between the ages of 9 to 21 with extensive interviews of close family and friends. (1) The CRP was elevated in direct proportion to the amount of bullying they had experienced. In contrast, bullies had lower levels of CRP – even lower than individuals who were not exposed to bullying. It was postulated that the increased social status of the bully might have “biological advantages.” Anger = loss of control

Stress causes changes in the body’s chemistry and every organ system is affected creating a multitude of physical responses. There are over 30 symptoms of the Neurophysiological Disorder (NPD). Prolonged stress is even worse. It is similar to trying to run a marathon at sprint speed. You will collapse and often quickly. The symptoms are not subtle.

Letting go – NOT

I have long observed that many patients have no interest in engaging in the DOC program. They don’t seem to want to let go of their anger. I think the reasons for a given person are complex but I do think that the need to remain angry is deep. If you are the bully there is a feeling (and bodily response) of power that is difficult to let go of. If you are the victim then feeling powerless is stressful. But it is also a familiar pattern and the only haven of power you have left. In the victim mode you are angry and you do feel powerful. You can then exert that power over your employer, the medical system, and your family. If down deep you feel powerless, what other choices do you have? Advantages of victimhood

Power

I suspect that the bully’s bodily response is mediated through the pleasure centers and the victim’s through the fight or flight system. There is power in being a bully and there is power in remaining a victim. I don’t know what the chances are of a bully developing chronic pain but I do think the odds are much higher in the bullied group. Being bullied does cause an increase in inflammatory markers and there is an established link with chronic stress and  autoimmune disorders such as systemic lupus, ulcerative colitis, Crohn’s disease, and rheumatoid arthritis? (2)

Pain pathways and anger pathways are inextricably linked. You will not solve your chronic pain until you can let go of the past at a deep emotional level. Do you really want to heal?

1. Copeland W, et al. Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood. PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
2. Song, H, et al. Association of stress-related disorder with subsequent autoimmune disease. JAMA (2018); 319: 2388-2400.

The post Destroyed by Bullies first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Destroyed by Bullies appeared first on Back in Control.

• Not running a red light to avoid getting hit
• Treating our boss with respect to avoid getting fired
• Seeking food because you are afraid of starving
• Cutting away from yourself with a knife to avoid hurting yourself

Anxiety is the sensation that is felt when your brain senses danger (real or perceived), and creates a survival reaction. It is a “reflex” or link to your environment. 

Our modern world holds out the promise of happiness if we have enough of “X.”  One of the “X’s” is less anxiety. It appears to me that there is a lot of energy spent trying to rid anxiety from our lives. If you did this completely, you could not survive more than a few minutes. But we still keep trying and it’s ironic that the harder we work on eliminating anxiety from our lives, the stronger it becomes.

Some of our attempts are:

• Suppression/denial
• Rigid/structured thinking
• Avoiding anxiety-producing situations
  • Phobias
  • Decreasing the “size” of your life
• Direct control
  • Other people
    • Marriage
      • Control of household
      • Control of spouse
      • Control of children
    •  Boss
    •  Bully
      • Bullying is basically an anxiety reaction
      • Much of this behavior carries on into adulthood—just better disguised.
        • “All is fair in love and war”
        • “That’s just business”
    • Circumstances
    • Self

A universal strategy to decrease anxiety is to strive for more power and thereby increase your ability to control people and circumstances. I don’t know what percent of high achieving people have this as their motivation versus a vision based on love and excellence. My own obsessive drive to become a top tier spine surgeon was anxiety-based. Examples of ways we try to gain more power:

• Gain Strength
  • Physical
  • Mental
  • Spiritual
  • Financial
• More control over others
  • Intimidation
  • Guilt
  • Organizing others for your own agenda

It is not that many of the above behaviors are undesirable. It depends on the motivation and intensity and the effect on those close around you. The first and necessary step is to become aware of the effects of anxiety on you and those close to you. Then you will be able to process it in a way that allows you and others close to you to thrive.

The post Decreasing Anxiety with Control first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Decreasing Anxiety with Control appeared first on Back in Control.