Self-esteem

Every human is judgmental. It is an inherent aspect of survival.  However, it is not a trait that engenders close enjoyable relationships or peace of mind. It is made worse by our cultural programming that having self-esteem is essential for happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. To attain and maintain high self-esteem requires endless comparison to those around you and also to norms that society, your family, friends, and you have set for yourself. You will eventually wear down and crash. There is not an endpoint to this process.

The pursuit of self-esteem can’t and doesn’t work. At some level, we all know this. Whenever your peace of mind and/ or identity is at the mercy of external circumstances, including other’s opinions, you’re at the mercy of them. Also, it gives others power to shut you down, which is one of their efforts to improve their self-esteem. You are riding on a universal merry-go-round that will never let you get off. The eye of the storm

Envy

As these attempts at “improving self-esteem” eventually and miserably fail, the next level of emotion is envy. It isn’t pretty and interferes with almost every aspect of life from work to your personal life. Although you may be on the same pursuit of happiness like the rest of us, it can’t happen if you are perpetually envious. Happiness and envy are not compatible emotions. What is even more ironic is that when you are judging someone else, you are just projecting your view of yourself onto someone else and broadcasting your insecurities to the world.

I have an exercise you may want to consider. Think of someone that you dislike. He or she usually isn’t too difficult to identify. Then in one column, write down as many things about them that you dislike. The to the right of each pronouncement, write down what you dislike about you in a similar area. You may not like his or her work ethic. Maybe you think they are lazy?  Do you procrastinate? Or are you in a reactive pattern where you are a workaholic? “He’s fat!” Are you happy with your weight? Maybe people think you are too thin. You don’t like her political views. Who is to say yours are more correct.

What is fascinating and disturbing is that many people are often unhappy about other’s success, even if they are a close friend.

Schadenfreude

There are two basic types of envy. One is being unhappy with another’s success, whether it is a friend or competitor. The other is silently rejoicing when someone you are envious of suffers a loss. The term for this second scenario is “schadenfreude”. Both elicit feelings of guilt because we know we shouldn’t feel this way. But when you try not to feel a certain way, it becomes worse. It’s even more problematic if you feel the person you have envied didn’t originally deserve his or her success.

In light of the current neuroscience research, we now understand the impact of sustained frustration on your body’s chemistry and the resulting physical symptoms. This unknown writer succinctly points out that good health is the essence of living a good life. Yet, when we spend our energies comparing ourselves to others, we are frequently frustrated. This chronic anger with the attendant elevated levels of stress hormones wreaks havoc with every organ in your body and you’ll eventually get sick.

Envy and pain

I’ve had as much of a challenge with self-esteem and envy as anyone. I came from a tough household and it seemed if everyone had a life that I wanted. I was envious of friends, accomplishments, adventures, families, and the list went on. What is now obvious in retrospect was that my mother was insanely envious and our family’s situation was never good enough. She would become unhappy to the point that our whole family would move to another town to start over. The cycle would begin again and she would complain about any and everything. By the time I was 18 years old, we had lived in 11 different houses. After I refused to move from my high school area in Napa Valley, they kept on moving. It’s clear where I learned this pattern of behavior.

When I ended up in chronic pain, it all become much more intense. It seemed everyone had something I wanted. The first thing I was envious of was not being in pain. Then it seemed that everyone had a better family life than I did. I become more and more socially isolated and I withdrew even more. Although, I wanted to re-engage with friends, my fear of rejection became almost a phobia. Holidays were particularly unpleasant. It seemed like every person in the world was having a better time than I was. Of all the terrible experiences I endured, the loneliness was crushing. It is one of the reasons I have described the world of chronic pain as, “The Abyss”.

Self-destruction

Additionally, anger is destructive, including self-destructive. One of the ways this plays out is disregarding your own health. All of us have a choice of how we choose to treat our bodies. Chronic frustration is possibly the main reason why you wouldn’t choose to feel physically great. It’s hard to really enjoy life if you don’t feel vigorous and energized. Ongoing self-neglect is a form of slow suicide. You’re angry and take it out on yourself. We all have some degree of self-destructive behavior and many of us have a lot. So, the emotions that you might be feeling from another’s success are sucking you dry. You now have less of a chance of “being successful” whatever that might mean. Jealousy and frustration aren’t solving much.

Moving forward

I have undergone many phases of healing. However, I have never forgotten the intensity of the loneliness and envy. It was the accidental discovery of the expressive writing exercises that halted the downward descent and it is still the one necessary starting point of the healing process.

One exercise I frequently discuss with my patients is similar to the one I presented above. I ask them in the room to visualize someone they dislike. They have read enough of the DOC process to quickly understand where I am going. I point out that they know the being judgmental is problematic and then I ask them what happens when they try to not be judgmental. Of course, you will become more judgmental. So, whether you are judgmental or not judgmental, your nervous system remains fired up. What can you do? Write down your specific thoughts and immediately destroy them. This allows you simply to separate from your thoughts, not to solve or change them. You may not become friends with this person or even like them. But in that “space” you’ve created, possibilities arise. Once you can see your judgements as a projection of you, you may be able see this person in a different light. At a minimum, it certainly makes life more interesting.

The Way to Love

So, the solution doesn’t lie in “not being envious.” Another key to dealing with it is to become more aware of it and the impact on your quality of life. I have now incorporated Anthony DeMello’s book, The Way to Love, into the DOC process. He defines love as awareness.  I frequently re-read a few pages. He’s clear on the consequences of being attached to your external circumstances for your peace of mind. Becoming aware is a critical step and a significant part of the solution.

Although, it’s a daily, minute to minute exercise in awareness, not being caught in the quicksand of envy has been a remarkably freeing experience. Try it. At least become aware of your resistance to living a different life.

1. I was going through some old files and happened to find this paragraph that I had clipped out over 30 years ago when I began my spine practice. It initially had a big influence on me and I would read it intermittently to remind myself to keep both feet on the ground regardless of major successes or failures. Life began to cave in on me and I lost touch with these concepts amongst many other losses. I don’t know the source but the wisdom of it struck a deep chord with me. A reader just let me know the writer was Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.
2. Schadenfreude: Understanding Pleasure at the Misfortune of Others. Wilco W. van Dijk, Jaap W. Ouwerkerk; Cambridge University Press, Jul 24, 2014.

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A chaotic, even abusive upbringing predicts a long and harsh life. There are many chronic mental and physical health issues that occur that shorten lifespan and also markedly compromise quality of life. Raised in this environment, a child cannot reach his or her full potential when so much energy is consumed by trying to survive. Consider a young plant in rich soil with plenty of sunlight and water. Compare it to the same plant in poor soil, limited sunlight, little water. It may even look a different species.

Feeling unsafe

When we don’t feel safe, we’ll do whatever we can to achieve it. Feeling unsafe drives many, if not most destructive behaviors. Feel trapped causes us to react aggressively to solve the situation. The physiological response is called anger, which represents the body’s powerful last-ditch effort to regain control.

Since the most stressful problems are ones we can’t solve, sustained anger (threat physiology) turns into rage, destructive behaviors, and chronic illnesses as the body breaks down. Consider how many life situations are unsolvable. One of the deadliest and universal problems is feeling trapped by our thoughts.

We cannot escape our thoughts. Suppressing unpleasant thoughts fires up the threat response even more than experiencing them. Suppression causes the hippocampus (memory center) of the brain to shrink¹ and increases craving for opioids.²  Distracting ourselves with experiences, pursuing pleasure, adventures, and achievements also fires up the immune system.³

So how do we behave?

ADDICTIONS

Addictions create a sense of safety while engaged in the activity, but obviously are not long-term solutions. The reason addictions are so destructive is they temporarily mask mental and physical pain, and pursuing relief is compelling.

POWER

A deadly outcome of feeling chronically unsafe is the relentless pursuit of power in order to gain more control. It can’t and doesn’t work, but few of us are taught alternatives. The manifestations are almost infinite and infiltrate every domain of our lives and relationships with others. People closest to us are the most affected. No one wants to be controlled, yet trying to control others is almost universal. Anger is generated in those being controlled and also in those exerting control. There is never enough to assuage the unconscious brain. Unfortunately, anger is intentionally destructive, as it is your body’s last-ditch effort to survive emotionally or physically.

The data is deep, beginning in the schoolyard. We try to avoid anxiety, or – if we already have it – we try to get rid of it. Nothing enhances our feeling of control more than by gaining power in some way. This need is expressed in our interactions with each other; in fact, it dictates much of human relations.

Every child has significantly increased anxiety when they leave home to begin school, regardless of their family situation. They want to be accepted but there is also the greater need to diminish their fear. The need to get rid of fear and gain power is played out in forming cliques, excluding others, and overt bullying.

Researchers did a study of students who have been bullied versus the bullies to see if there was any difference in their physiological makeup. ⁴ They looked at the levels of a substance called C-reactive protein (CRP), which is elevated in the presence of inflammation; it’s often drawn to determine the presence of a hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. It is not desirable to have an elevated CRP.

The study revealed that children who had been bullied had significantly elevated levels of CRP compared to those who had not been bullied. Being bullied as your introduction to the real world is not a great start. What I find even more disturbing is that the levels of CRP in bullies was lower than the norm. As it turns out, there is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up power and control? Especially when feeling the pain of anxiety is the other option.

Every child has a strong need to be accepted, yet what should we make of the fact that it gives him or her more power (and self-esteem) to reject someone else? This is an endless loop, the root cause of which is the solvable problem of anxiety.

SELF-ESTEEM

The other as futile effort to counteract these deeply upleasant survival sensations is to pursue more self-esteem. This is problematic for seversal reasons. First, it is a gross mismatch of your unconsious brain overpowering your conscious brain by about a million to one. Anxiety and anger are hardwired automatic survival reactions over which we have absolutely no control.

Second, the unconscious brain never stops for a millisecond and is always on the lookout for danger. It is why we evolved and stay alive. The conscious brain’s attention is not sustainable and we quickly develop cognitive fatigue trying to stay happy. We also become physically tired as 20 to 25% of your entire body’s energy is used to run your brain.

Third, we are programmed by everyone around us about who we should be or not be. These voices in our heads become as concrete as any object and we act on them. Unfortunately, the “stories” in our heads are essentially all cognitive distortions. Self-esteem represents a huge distortion of labeling. We expend a tremendous amount of energy building up our ego, and then spend endless efforts defending it. The relentless pursuit of self-esteem disconnects us from the reality immediately in front of us. In other words, you lose awareness of other’s needs and relationships are compromised. Look at the human experience of how terribly we treat each other as individuals and societies. We have the resources to create a planet that could thrive yet we are at the mercy of our personal and societal “stories.”

What can you do?

Learn vulnerability. Being vulnerable is at the core of meaningful human relationships, but there is no reward in nature for being physically vulnerable.  Since emotional pain is processed in similar regions of the brain as physical pain, there are penalties for being emotionally vulnerable. Language creates a massive problem causing emotional pain that is much more complex than in other mammals. Anger, as unpleasant as it is, is powerful, addicting, and masks being vulnerable. Anger creates a sense of emotional safety, but no one around you feels safe. How do you learn to be vulnerable when you are used to dealing with a lot of anger?

DYNAMIC HEALING

Needing to pursue the above-mentioned destructive behaviors drops as you address the root cause of sustained threat physiology. You cannot control the survival reactions but there are numerous ways to regulate your physiology. When your body is bathed in safety physiology, you feel safe, connected, and incredibly relaxed. We use the term, “dynamic healing”, which addresses factors affecting your physiology.

• Input – dealing with life’s challenges in a manner that less impact on your nervous system.
• State of the nervous system – calm or hyperactive
• Output or the physiology – can be directly regulated from threat to safety.

The details of the Dynamic Healing model are beyond the scope of this discussion. The focus is on you and learning skills in each category to create “cues of safety”, and not on fixing or solving your pain. It is a healing process, and not “self-help”.

RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts)

Regarding the onslaught of unpleasant thoughts, consider the metaphor of a hornet’s nest, with the nest being your brain, and the hornets your thoughts. At rest, the hornets are busy collecting food, building the nest, cleaning house, and reproducing. If the nest is shaken, the hornets will become aggressive and defend themselves. When your nervous system is inflamed and hyperactive, your thought patterns become intense, since your conscious brain interprets your internal physiology.

The usual approach is to use cognitive rational techniques to counter bad thoughts with good thoughts, which is an impossible task. Then we put up our “shield” (self-esteem, self-affirmations) to protect us. It also overwhelming and wears us down. Exerting increased control (suppression) is also futile. Then the more attention you pay to the thoughts your brain is fired up even more. It is a bi-directional process.

The answer lies in “quit shaking the nest.” The hornets will calm down and return to their usual activities. As your nervous system calms down, your unpleasant thought patterns will lessen, which in turn helps calm your brain. Although cognitive approaches lower the input into the nervous system, calming it down is a separate skill. There are endless other ways besides unpleasant thoughts that fire it up.

There are four aspects of creating a safe relationhip with your thoughts.

• Thought separation
• Calming the nervous system (processing anger)
• Creativity – stimulating new neurological circuits away from the unpleasant ones.
• Dissolution of the ego – once you learn to feel safe, there is less need for it.

Calming your nervous system allows you to feel safe. It allows you to break free of ruminating thought patterns frees you up to create and live life on your terms.

References

1. Hulbert JC, et al. Inducing amnesia through systemic suppression. Nature Communications (2016); 7:11003 | DOI: 10.1038/ncomms11003
2. Garland EL, et al. Thought suppression as a mediator of the association between depressed mood and prescription opioid craving among chronic pain patients. J Behav Med (2016); 39:128–138. 10.1007/s10865-015-9675-9
3. Cole SW, et al. Social Regulation of gene expression in human leukocytes. Genome Biology (2007); 8:R189. doi: 10.1186/gb-2007-8-9-r189
4. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.

The post Our Need to Feel Safe first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Our Need to Feel Safe appeared first on Back in Control.

• Connecting to every aspect of your life is difficult but is at the core of allowing your body to heal.
• “Being” with your past may be challenging but is necessary in order to learn and grow.
•  It is the opposite of pursuing self-esteem, which separates you from you.
• The “C” quence is connection, confidence, and creativity. Creativity is where deep healing happensthrough neuroplasticity.

Connecting to your past provides “neuroshment”¹ for healing.

Safety vs. threat

Feeling safe is a basic need and core driving force of life. We’ll resort to whatever means required in order to achieve it. A state of safety allows growth, regeneration, optimum function, good health, and a deep sense of contentment. Feeling threatened causes your body to go into a “flight or fight” reaction, which consists of stress hormones, increased fuel consumption, excitatory neurotransmitters, inflammation, and anxiety. A term for this reaction is, “threat physiology”.

Life is sustainable because the body regenerates and heals, but it must be in a safe state for enough time to refuel, strengthen, and build up reserves to fight another day. Even severe stress can be dealt with when there is enough time in safety to regenerate. So, healing happens by decreasing time in threat and increasing time in safety. These are separate, but linked sets of skills. One is using methods to lower the levels of stress chemicals and the other is learning to nurture joy.

This journey is reflected in a metaphor of a tree that I call, the “C”quence of healing allowing you go from reactive to creative.

• Connection
• Confidence
• Creativity

CONNECTION – the soil

The ground represents every second of your entire past and is the source for learning and future growth. There is one major root in any tree, called the taproot, which grows straight down in search of water and nutrients. The trees with deepest ones are found in harsh dry environments. A tree may initially show little growth for a few years until the taproot is more mature. Roots grow relentlessly and will even grow through rock. The more developed and complex the root system, the better the chances for survival and growth.

All humans have experienced some degree of trauma. Our needs are not always immediately met even in the best of circumstances, and adversity never stops. Many people have suffered severe, even extreme childhood trauma, and there is plenty more to be had in adulthood. We don’t feel good about it and might even feel ashamed.

As a result, considerable time and energy is spent on analyzing, fixing, covering up, whitewashing, or suppressing the past. Somehow, we feel that by spending a lot of time dealing with past, we’ll have a better life. The problem is that your attention is focused on the problems and not the solutions. Since your incredibly adaptable brain develops where you place your attention, you are magnifying the unpleasant aspects of your life. Focusing on fixing the past also requires a lot of energy that could be used in dealing with the present, and thriving.

“Neuroshment”

Specific skills are required to allow you to be with your past, as much of it may be unpleasant, painful, and difficult to be with. Digging in and being with your past is the opposite of seeking self-esteem. One patient who successfully broke free from 55 years of pain coined a term for using the past for future growth,“neuroshment.” Your brain physically changes its structure as it adapts to ongoing sensory input. This property is called neuroplasticity, and you can create the brain of your choice.

TRUNK—SKILLS

The trunk represents the confidence that emanates from being able to deal with every aspect of your life and not run from it. Since, there are many ways to effectively process the past, you are grounded and can deal with even severe adversity.

The term for this set of skills is “dynamic healing.” It acknowledges the interactions between you and your circumstances that create flight-or-fight body chemistry. There are many tools in each portal, none of them are difficult, but require learning and repetition to master them.

Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something unpleasant from the past. You are in flight or fight, the blood flow to your neocortex (thinking brain). It is impossible to think clearly. You have also lost awareness of the present moment. These survival reactions are powerful, automatic, and you have no control over them. It is the reason that being with the past is difficult and specific tools are required to regulate your body back into safety. Deeply connecting with who you are provides “neuroshment” for future growth and confidence to deal with life’s challenges. This is a sharp contrast to seeking self-esteem to “feel better” about yourself. You are not grounded.

THE BRANCHES—CREATIVITY

Connection and confidence represent the skills needed to regulate your threat physiology, but healing occurs with creativity. Brain circuits are stimulated reflecting the life you want as you “rebuild” the brain (life) that you choose. You cannot “fix” yourself. Your attention is on the problem and where your brain will develop (neuroplasticity).

But you can’t pursue pleasure in order counteract the survival circuits. They are too powerful and relentless, and your creative brain doesn’t work well while in threat physiology. Pursuing pleasure to outrun your unpleasant survival sensations has been shown to increase inflammation.²

The concept of healing through creativity is possibly the most important and difficult to comprehend and put into action. We are programmed to react and fix and are uncomfortable letting go. But you must let to in order to move forward. If you take the letter “C” out from “reactive”, it becomes “Creative.” You must become aware, create some “space” to see first in order to be able to make rational choices.

Deep healing

Sustained stress keeps your body activated, breaks it down, and increases the odds of developing a chronic mental or physical disease. The relevant issues are the intensity, duration, and your coping skills. Consider how long it would take for your car to break down if you were driving down the freeway at 70 mph in second gear. What if the car (your body) wasn’t tuned up, hadn’t had regular service, or was a cheap model? Compare this scenario to cruising in a well-maintained luxury car in 5^th gear at the same speed. You could drive for a long time. Your body isn’t so different. What model of car are you and how are you caring for you?

Recap

“Neuroshment” from a complex root system and solid trunk, allows a tree to grow branches of all sizes. You willconnect into your creativity and train your brain to evolve in any direction. This is where the deepest healing occurs. You are moving towards joy and away from pain.

Nurturing joy requires skills that few of us are taught. Creativity requires awareness, and you must see “C” first in order to know where you are at and then make ongoing proactive choices.

In order to reach higher, you must first dig deeper. Consider a tree as a metaphor for your healing journey. Become a professional at living life and watch your life change from ReaCtive to Creative.

Questions and considerations

1. Many, if not most of us have a less than ideal past. The human experience is messy. What you perceived as dangerous as a child is probably not threatening as an adult. But your brain doesn’t know that and will continue to react similar cues.
2. How do you feel when your attention lands on emotionally difficult situations from the past or is triggered by an event today? Reassuring yourself that you are OK actually places your attention on the problem and reinforces it.
3. Connecting with every aspect of your past and allowing yourself to be with a wide range of unpleasant emotions causes them to lessen. However, the discomfort you feel may be intolerable. There are ways to train yourself to be with these feelings and move forward.
4. Consider how much effort we spend trying to “fix” ourselves. It can’t and doesn’t work. Remember when you felt that life had endless possibilities. How did it feel? That is where you want to return.
5. The most important shift in thinking about having a better life is that it happens by nurturing creativity and joy. But you have to let go in order to move forward. It is a daily ongoing process that allows you to “rebuild” your brain and live the life of your choice. Quit fighting darkness; turn on the lights.

References

1. Term coined by Rita Salvador who learned to thrive after being in chronic mental and physical pain for over 55 years.
2. Cole SW, et al. Social Regulation of gene expression in human leukocytes. Genome Biology (2007); 8:R189. doi: 10.1186/gb-2007-8-9-r189

The post The “C”quence of Healing Chronic Illness first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The “C”quence of Healing Chronic Illness appeared first on Back in Control.

Here is the essence of the problem with RUTs and the human condition. The sequence begins with your unconscious brain that is constantly on alert for danger and is much more powerful than our late-evolving language-based consciousness. Humans use language to give meaning to everything, especially to sensations generated from inside of your body (interoception). Danger, real or perceived creates threat physiology that generates various levels and kinds of discomfort, and we have created many words that describe how badly we feel. These unpleasant thoughts evolve into concepts. They originate from the brain and also are sensory input back into it that we react to with threat physiology. We are on a spinning wheel without brakes and our brains are on fire.

New Africa/AdobeStock

The conscious versus unconscious brain mismatch

So, we generate positive thoughts to counteract unpleasant ones. We work hard to develop enough self-esteem to feel better about ourselves. But the powerful unconscious brain can generate an infinite number of troubling thoughts with minimal extra energy expended whereas the conscious brain can only create a limited number of “good” thoughts that requires effort and expenditure of energy. It is a gross mismatch, your survival brain overwhelms your efforts to feel better about yourself, you experience cognitive fatigue, and you are worn down.

The root cause driving the creation of RUTs is your fired up inflamed brain. Once the thoughts are released, how can you put them back into the box? You cannot. It is like trying to kill a swarm of mosquitos with a fly swatter. What’s effective is calming down threat physiology (anxiety and anger), the RUTs are diminished, which lessens the threat load even more. This is a bidirectional process. The medical/ psychology world has primarily focused on the RUTs without addressing the physiological root cause. Over the last decade, that is changing, and many practitioners are using methods to calm people down as the primary focus. Why not drain the swamp?

Consider a hornet’s nest where the inhabitants are minding their own business. They are working together constructing a home, gathering food, watching out for danger, and reproducing. Then someone or animal comes along and starts poking at the hive. Appropriately, they sense danger and use the weapons at their disposal to fight off the threat. Swarms of hornets attack the predator with the intention to inflict pain and they do. What is the best answer? Is it trying to battle the hornets once they are in the battle mode, or would it be easier to quit prodding the nest? It is impossible to do battle with your innumerable RUTs. Why not calm down your inflamed brain? Your RUTs will quiet down. Then you have the ”space” to move into brain circuits where you can nurture joy, move away from pain circuits, and where the definitive healing happens.

schankz/AdobeStock

Dissolution of your ego

The final step of allowing your ego (self-esteem) to dissolve can’t happen until you are able to tolerate the painful thoughts arising from your unconscious brain. Emotional pain is processed in similar regions of the brain as physical pain. The reason we spend so much time and energy on our self-esteem is because RUTs make us feel so badly about ourselves and we don’t like to hurt. Once you have no more need to “defend” your identity built largely from cognitive distortions, you can live your life in freedom.

There is another layer to the devastating effects of RUTs. “Good” self-esteem is a cognitive distortion of labeling. It doesn’t matter whether your label is “better than” or “less than”, it is still a distortion and where does it end? Then think of how many aspects of your identity are determined by “stories” consisting of cognitive distortions. A major one is “should or should not” thinking, which is at the core of how we are programmed from birth. It manifests in perfectionism and self-critical voices. These voices become stronger with time and become embedded in our brains as concretely as physical objects. At some tipping point, we spend the rest of our lives processing our worlds though our life lens and it is continually reinforced. Many people develop mental rigidity as part of this process, and it is a trait that is at the center of almost any mental health problem. Defending and becoming attached to your own sense of self is the antithesis of awareness which is essential for successful human interactions.

RUTs are one of the expressions of threat physiology. Addressing this root cause allows definitive solutions. Humans must learn to navigate cognitive consciousness in ways other than a survival mindset. Understanding the nature of the problem opens up possibilities to thrive. It is the next step in our evolution of our species with dire consequences if we don’t.

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The post Understanding the “Curse of Consciousness” appeared first on Back in Control.

I received this message from a person I have never met or communicated with. She had engaged in learning the tools to heal.

The key to healing mental and physical pain happen from learning two separate sets of skills. The first is separating identity from your necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them. The second is shifting your brain onto more enjoyable and functional circuits. You cannot experience play and joy will simultaneously fighting pain.

You also cannot heal your body, including your brain. It already knows how to heal, and the healing stories are nothing short of miraculous. But life itself is a miracle. Our conscious brain gets in the way and blocks healing. You only must believe your body can heal, let go, and allow it to occur. Her email is typical of what happens, and the healing is deep and transformative.

Not fixing yourself

One of the most difficult challenges is letting go of trying to fix yourself to rid yourself of the mental and physical pain. Why wouldn’t you? You are trapped in miserable place without an apparent way out. It is bad enough enduring the pain, but when you get angry about it, you have now doubled down, and your brain is really on fire. Dr. John Sarno, a famous physiatrist and author used the term “rage”.¹

Good Studio/AdobeStock

However, trying to solve the pain places your attention on it and reinforces it. But when you try not to think about your pain or distract yourself, the thought suppression inflames your brain even more. Either way, you are trapped. Specifically considering self-esteem, which is an endless set of judgments, trying not to be judgmental is impossible. Positive thinking is another form of suppression. Even reading self-help books is another way of staying focused on the problem. Even with my books, there is a tipping point where I recommend people stop reading them and focus on practicing and implementing the tools they have learned.

“Phantom Brain Pain”

There is the additional problem of thinking that something is being missed, and these thoughts become independent sets of circuits. They really are not responsive to reason, and the ongoing pursuit of reassurance only reinforces them. Along with all RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts), I call this phenomenon, “phantom brain pain.” In my mind, the same issues are in play as phantom limb pain, where the suffering is intense, and you cannot even touch the absent limb to calm yourself. How can this happen. The known “source” of pain is completely gone, and the patient still feels the limb and the pain. So, where does this pain exist?

The key to healing lies in separating from your racing necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them, and dynamically shifting your brain into more enjoyable and functional circuits – and letting go. You cannot experience play and joy while simultaneously fighting pain.

“I give up”

I vividly recall feeling like I was in the midst of a major battle with unpleasant thoughts. The mental pain was a much bigger problem than my physical symptoms. I was never bothered during surgery with them in that I was so focused on what I was doing. For a long time, I was also fine in clinic while I was connecting with my patients. Towards the end of my ordeal, even being at work did not help, and I was pummelled every two or three minutes with ever-increasing intense, intrusive, and vivid thoughts. Meanwhile, I was trying everything possible to deal with them, including working with a psychiatrist. Nothing helped and in fact, it all seemed make things worse. It was around this period where I came close to committing suicide.

One evening, I had read yet another self-help book and I had a flash of a vision that I was standing in front of a repeating circus mirror. I can still see it. It was about six feet high, and it was in a tent. I was looking at endless images of myself. At that time, I was doing what felt like hand-to-hand combat with my thoughts. I would have a disturbing thought, and then counter it with a “good” thought. I was wearing down quickly. I could see that there was no rational solution to these RUTs. I said to myself, “I can’t do this anymore and I quit.” I felt my identity was stripped down to nothing and felt there was little left of what I thought was me.

I honestly gave up and was not sure what I was going to do next. Instead of feeling despondent, I felt a strange sense of freedom, and it turned out that “giving up” the fight was the right answer. It was after that moment, things began to change for the better. I had much to learn, but at least I had inadvertently created some “space” in my brain to allow healing to begin.

Hope

This is a link to a collection of patients’ success stories that I call, “Stories of Hope.” Essentially everyone who is trapped in the Abyss of chronic pain is in a very dark place. Knowing you are not alone is important.

ipopba.AdobeStock

It is impossible to let go of “fixing” without the tools to accomplish it and also learning how to feel safe. You can’t force it and as per her email, you just have to keep moving forward, and it will happen when you are ready. I also wish for you that it happens sooner than later, but persistence is the key. You will learn to regulate your stress physiology and become much better at nurturing joy and creativity. Your behaviors become automatic, your skills will increase and improve, and you can let go and live your life.

References

1. Sarno, John. Mind Over Back Pain. Warner Books, New York, NY.

The post How healing happens first appeared on Back in Control.

The post How healing happens appeared first on Back in Control.

• The “C”quence of healing is connection, confidence, and creativity.
• You must first become aware of and connect with all aspects of your past in order to move forward.
• Confidence originates from being deeply connected to it.
• It is the antithesis of pursuing self-esteem where your efforts are spent trying to outrun your past.
• Ironically, as you allow yourself to be with your unpleasant aspects of your past, self-esteem will grow.

In our efforts to feel better about the intentionally unpleasant feelings generated by our flight or fight physiology, we pursue self-esteem. It is mismatch of the powerful unconscious brain and your conscious part of it. You can’t win and the harder you try, the deeper you’ll sink into despair. It is also a universal problem. The opposite energy emanates from being with every aspect of your past instead of trying to outrun or mask it.

Going Deep

Consider a tree as a metaphor for your life. The soil represents your entire past and is the source for learning and future growth. There is one major root in any tree that is called the taproot. It grows straight down in search of water and nutrients. The trees with deepest ones are found in harsh dry environments. A tree may initially show little growth for a few years until the taproot is more mature. Roots grow relentlessly and will even grow through rock. The more developed and complex the root system, the better the chances for survival and growth.

All humans have some level of trauma. Our needs are not always immediately met even in the best of circumstance and adversity never stops coming at us. Many people have suffered severe, even extreme childhood trauma and there is plenty more to be had in adulthood. We don’t feel good about it and might feel ashamed of it. So, a lot of time and energy is spent on analyzing, fixing, covering up, whitewashing, or suppressing the past. Why wouldn’t we? Somehow, we feel that by spending a lot of time dealing with past, we’ll have a better life. The problem is that your attention is focused on the problems and not the solutions. It is where your brain will develop. It also requires a lot of energy that could be used in dealing with the present and thriving.

 Awareness – “C’ing”

The first step in problem solving is seeing ALL aspects of a given problem AND then having choices how to respond. To be creative, the “C/see” needs to be first. All of us know that certain phrases, behaviors, situations, people, etc. will elicit a fairly predictable and rapid reaction. You are reacting before you have even absorbed or comprehended the full scope of the problem. Consequently, you may make a flawed decision. Unfortunately, these learned reactions strengthen with age and repetition. The phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is an accurate phrase. It is not that the dog cannot be taught. Embedded reactive patterns of thinking must be broken up first.

Unawareness

The first step in cultivating deeper awareness is recognizing when you are unaware. Awareness is the opposite of projecting your perception of the world onto others and situations.

Clues include feeling anxious or angry, being critical or judgmental, holding onto rigid belief systems in any domain, gossiping, complaining, “being right”, not fully listening to other’s opinions, intolerance, labeling others, and creating an identity based on ideals. All of us engage in some of these actions every day. It is inherent in being human and having language. Suppressing these traits is even worse, in that you’ll have no hope for change if you don’t know where you are starting from. The key is nurturing awareness of these actions, observing them, and then deciding what to do next.

Without knowing you are unaware, you’ll continue to reinforce your current life outlook (self-image/esteem) with “input” that supports it. What is more problematic is that if you receive conflicting data, you’ll reject it. This is an even more powerful force in strengthening your outlook and “life filter.” How can you really learn and change? Continually projecting your views eventually becomes tedious and you’ll become more “set in your ways.” It is the way your brain works. The marketing world calls this phenomenon, “reactance”, and they use it to their advantage.¹

What are you connecting to?

The basic awareness that must be cultivated is understanding what are you connecting to? By default, you are connected to your past programming. Much of it is unpleasant and  you may be reinforcing the same trajectory deeper into the abyss. Or you may be trying to outrun it by pursuing pleasure. But since you cannot outrun your subconscious mind, it can’t and doesn’t work. A common approach is to achieve, acquire, and accomplish and create a life that appears wonderful to others but is not based on solid ground. The same adrenalized  energy that takes you up the mountain of “success” may cause you to fall down the other side. For example, consider the problem of “imposter syndrome.”

The connection that is necessary for growth is allowing yourself to feel regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. “You have to feel to heal,” has been said in almost every domain of mental health. Being OK with uncomfortable emotions is at the core of healing. This has been around well before modern neuroscience. As you resist unpleasant thoughts and emotions, you are inadvertently placing more attention to them, and they will flourish. That is not what you want.

Are you connecting to you or your ideals? It is common to pursue better self-esteem, which consists of the “stories” in our minds that we create in order to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, most of these arise from who everyone else thinks we should be and by the time we are old enough to make our own way, our life lens is embedded in our nervous system. Many of these stories are cognitive distortions and have little to do with the reality right in front of us. As they become more repetitive thought patterns, they occupy a lot of our consciousness and push out our capacity for enjoyment.

There are many ways to train yourself to tolerate difficult and intrusive thoughts and emotions. Learning these skills to process stress is much different than trying to avoid it, suppress it, or remaining a victim.

“Neuroshment”

Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something in the past that you perceived as dangerous or was dangerous. It can be a mental or physical threat. Digging in and being with your past is the opposite of seeking self-esteem.

The “soil” of your past is the source of “neuroshment” (2) for future growth. The ongoing question is, “what can I learn?” Be with the past, increase your awareness of your history, reactions, and be present with it all. Watch your self-esteem flourish.

References

1. Berger, Jonah. The Catalyst. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2020.
2. Word invented and conceptualised by Rita Salvador who broke free after suffering for over 50 years.

Recap

Confidence emerges from being solidly anchored in every aspect of your past. Much of it is uncomfortable, but it is what is there. Suppressing or running from your past can’t work and consumes a tremendous amount of life energy. You also cannot make good decisions without knowing where you are starting from. You may require professional help to assimilate your past. Also understand that the “stories” you create can anchor you in it. Immerse yourself and use tools to break free. BTW, if you can connect and be with the “bottom” there is nowhere to go but up.

Questions and considerations

1. Your ego consists of the “stories” you create to present a confident front to the world. Why wouldn’t you? Being vulnerable is often punished.
2. Consider that when you are upset, it is often about defending your ego.
3. Are you able to tolerate unpleasant feelings? Do you avoid them?
4. Emotional pain shares similar brain circuits as physical pain. Why would you want to hurt? But where is the escape from these thoughts?
5. First learn to be with the pain and learn the strategies to move forward.

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1. Repetitive Unpleasant Thoughts (RUTs) are solvable with a multi-pronged self-directed approach.
2. Consider the four aspects in the metaphor of a popcorn machine.
3. They are 1) the kernels 2) the cooking pot 3) the storage compartment 4) the power source.
4. All facets must be addressed daily, so the only person that can solve them is you.

You cannot control your thoughts and the “need for mental control” is what causes so much trouble. RUTs are solvable by approaching them from all of these perspectives.

• Thought diversion
• Calming the nervous system
• Redirecting your brain towards positive circuits
• Dissolution of your ego

Consider these aspects of calming your mind as a metaphor of a movie theater popcorn machine. The kernels of corn represent your disruptive thoughts. The cooking pot is your fired up nervous system. Obsessive thoughts are the popped corn, and the storage area is your working memory.

Thought diversion

Having fewer kernels of corn enter the cooker is an important step. You can divert your thoughts in several ways.

• Expressive writing
• Mindfulness/ active meditation
• Cognitive behavioral approaches – recognizing and separating from cognitive distortions.

Expressive writing in its various forms is simply a separation exercise. Your thoughts are on a piece of paper separated from you by vision and feel, both part of the unconscious brain. It is critical to immediately destroy it, so you can write with absolute freedom. It is the most miserable and disturbing thoughts that we suppress the most. As your body chemically reacts to them, they become real and part of your version of reality. The reality is that they are who you are not. The other reason to destroy them is to not analyze them. They are not “issues”, they are just thoughts. Rehashing them creates more of a tangled mess.

Mindfulness/ active meditation puts your attention on physical sensations that creates a shift away from your racing thoughts. It can be any sensation and can last for just a few seconds . Or you can train yourself to live much of your day in a mindful manner. Instead of doing battle with these thoughts, you have turned away from them.

Another strategy is cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). David Burns has defined ten categories of cognitive distortions that impact our decision-making and quality of life. Instead of believing these distortions, you can train your brain to recognize them for what they are, separate from them, and move on. The beauty of cognitive distortions is that there is nothing to do since they are not real in the first place.

Turning down the heat – anger

The second aspect of calming down the nervous system, is represented by “turning down the heat” of the cooker. We know that unpleasant thoughts fire up the nervous system, but an inflamed brain also throws off more extraneous thoughts. Notice how your mind races when you are upset or feel trapped for any reason. You are fighting for a way out. This is the basic survival response for a physical threat that increases your chances of survival. It doesn’t work for emotional survival. Fighting your thoughts not only increases the intensity of them, but you are also consuming a lot of fuel (glucose), as your brain consumes between 20-25% of your metabolic energy. Additionally, the activity of your brain shifts from your neocortex (thinking region) to the limbic region (survival areas) and you are unable to think clearly. The creativity you need to solve a problem is compromised.

Anxiety is the sensation generated by an activated threat response and anger is a hyperactivated one. They are physiological states and not primarily psychological. Your unpleasant thoughts are sensory input and emotions are what you feel (physiology). Anxiety and anger are the same entity, varying in intensity. Anxiety evolved to be extremely unpleasant, as it is the driving force to avoid danger and survive. The solution to anxiety is solving the threat. But when the problem is unsolvable, your body increases the survival response, and you’ll be angry. They are both activated physiological threat states.

Anxiety and anger are hardwired reactions that we have no control over. If you are triggered, you are triggered. What you do have a say about is your response to it. You can regulate your physiology through three different portals.

• Input – how you process your stress
• Lowering the reactivity of your nervous system – sleep, diet, exercise, somatic therapy
• Output – tools to stimulate the vagus nerve, which is highly anti-inflammatory – breath work, humming, listening to certain pitches of music, and vagal stimulation.

My term for dealing with anger is “anger processing.” There are many layers to it and none of these are difficult. It is a learned set of skills that are used daily and indefinitely. Unless you learn to lower this powerful (and addicting) survival reaction, you will continue to experience intense repetitive thoughts.

To have a good life, you must live a good life

The real and definitive healing occurs as you nurture and live the life that you want. Re-directing your attention to pleasant circuits is a separate set of skills. You cannot be really creative if you are continually fighting RUTs.

This is represented by how you deal with the popped kernels of corn. Over time, your attention may become consumed by unpleasant thoughts and the holding area of the popcorn machine is filled up. There is nowhere to go. By diverting the thoughts and turning down the heat, there will be less popcorn. But regardless of how quickly the machine fills up, it must be emptied to create some “space” for new input to allow for the sequence of stimulating your brain to change (neuroplasticity). The sequence is awareness, creating some space, and then redirecting your attention to what you want.

This “space” can be created in many ways including adequate sleep, exercise, anti-inflammatory diet, not discussing pain, etc. If you are trying to compensate for your anxiety with distracting activities, it is not possible. Your survival brain is too powerful. It is the reason that thought diversion and effectively processing anger are so critical. Then you have choices. Eventually, as you become more engaged in the life that you want and remain connected to it, obsessive thoughts are crowded out.

Pull the Plug – Ego dissolution

The driving force of ego is the pursuit of self-esteem, which It is an ongoing judgment pattern without an endpoint. It consists of an endless stream of thoughts and stories, most of which are cognitive distortions. You’ll wear down, RUTs will increase, your physiology attacks your own body, and you may become ill. BTW, self-esteem is a core cognitive distortion of “labeling.” As you develop your own story of who you are, it takes a lot of mental energy to maintain and defend it. Hence, a whirlwind of competing thoughts.

The final step of dissolving your ego, is the definitive solution. You cannot force or make it happen. You are allowing it to dissolve with awareness as the other three aspects are in play. The kernels of corn (unpleasant thoughts) dramatically decrease when there is no need to defend your ego and let go of pursuing self-esteem. You have “pulled the plug”  and remain connected to the present moment.

Recap

RUTs fire up the nervous system and an inflamed nervous system fires up RUTs. Both aspects must be addressed to decrease and essentially resolve RUTs. Definitive healing happens as your brain shifts to creative and functional circuits. Eventually, you’ll understand the futility of chasing self-esteem to offset your powerful flight or fight neurochemistry. Without having to defend your “identity”, disruptive thoughts will fade away.

Instead of being all that you can be, it is much easier to “just be.” There is no place, physically or mentally, that you have to go to. As your mind quiets down, you can just enjoy your day and appreciate the moment you are in.

Questions and considerations

1. Consider how much RUTs interfere with your enjoyment of life. Maybe they are minimal. Or have they been present for so long that they seem normal?
2. OCD is a diagnosis that has limited value. It does imply an intensity of bothersome thoughts that disrupts your ability to function in daily life. But at what tipping point would you call RUTs OCD?
3. Consider all aspects of healing. They are all important and happen simultaneously every day without an endpoint. As you increase your skills, they become habitual, requires little effort, you create “space” to reprogram your brain, and move forward away from these circuits.

The post The Popcorn Machine – Healing RUTS first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The Popcorn Machine – Healing RUTS appeared first on Back in Control.

A representative definition of “Authentic Self”

This is a piece from “A to Zen” from the Internet that represents a common line of thinking about the term, “authentic self.”¹ The problem is that in the human experience, our powerful behavioral patterns win out and these enviable traits are buried. Then it becomes even more frustrating when we can’t live up to our “standards.” The cycle continues in that we may actually engage in destructive behaviors even though we know better.

In general, when talking about someone who is authentic, we mean that they are genuine, honest, and real.

An authentic person is someone who is comfortable in their skin and doesn’t feel the need to put on a front to fit in and be accepted by others. They know who they are, and they don’t hide it.

They understand their purpose and follow their life’s passion. They don’t chase after money, status, and possessions and are not immorally competitive, for they are not fearful of anyone.

However, this doesn’t mean they don’t live a wealthy life and enjoy nice things, but they define and strive for success to their own standard. 

7 SIGNS YOU ARE AN AUTHENTIC PERSON

1. YOU ARE ACCEPTING OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS

2. YOU HAVE A HEALTHY EGO

3. YOU HAVE A REALISTIC PERCEPTION OF REALITY

4. YOU ACCEPT MISTAKES (AND LEARN FROM THEM)

5. YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY MATURE 

6. YOU ARE CONSIDERATE TOWARDS OTHERS

7. YOU DON’T FEEL THREATENED BY OTHERS

What if you don’t have these traits? The problem is that few of us consistently exhibit many of these admirable qualities. Where would you have learned them if you were raised in a chaotic environment? Even if we possess some of them, how often do they get sabotaged, and how many of us have all of them. If the authentic self becomes an “internal standard” of being, then our self-critical voices will chime in to remind us how often we don’t (can’t) live up to these ideals, we are less accepting of ourselves, more frustrated, inflamed, and will experience more mental and physical pain.

Your ”authentic self”

Your authentic self is right here in front of you. It is the summation of your life programming from your parents, siblings, peers, teachers, employers, societal norms, and the marketing world. In other words, you are the product of who everyone else has told you to be. These messages are internalized and become your own inner voice telling you how you should be. The outcome is a lot of noise in your brain of self-judgement and that of others. We call it “self-esteem.” It is a mismatch of your powerful unconscious brain versus your conscious one. It is endless and wears you down.

David Eagleman in his brilliant book, Livewired, points out that humans are uniquely dependent on their parents for physical survival compared to most mammals. A baby is completely helpless and cannot survive on its own for many years.²

The emotional brain is even more complex in that we have language with an infinite number of possibilities. We are programmed by every moment of our lives, which means none of us are the same. Humans give meaning to everything, and no two people can look at a physical object in the same way. Thoughts and concepts are much more complex, and we are downloaded first with concrete concepts, then abstract ideas, and we don’t develop deep philosophical thinking for many years.

We are completely at the mercy of our environment as to what is inputted into our brains. What becomes more problematic is that thoughts and ideals are perceived as real to a given person as a car or table.³ They become our version of reality or life filter. Once this life lens is set, it becomes reinforced over a lifetime – unless you choose to become aware of it and change it.

Who are you?

So, we are who the world has told us we should be. We have programmed behavioral patterns that are the foundation of our existence. Most of them result from the basic need to survive. Few of us are taught how to nurture joy. Who are we?

You are who you are today. You can see yourself by becoming aware of what you react to, what makes you anxious and angry, what are your behaviors and attitudes towards yourself and others, how much personal responsibility you take for your actions, and what level of compassion and empathy you FEEL for others.

For example, most of us know that compassion is a good idea. But what happens when you are upset. You may say or do things that you are not proud of, and compassion goes right out the window. It is because compassion is a conscious construct and anger automatically arises from your unconscious brain. It is a million to one mismatch. It is that reaction in the moment is who you are because something in the present connected you to something threatening (or perceived as such) in the past. You are there and not here. It is also who you are.

“Love Your Enemies”

Anthony DeMello in his book, The Way to Love, has a chapter called, “Love Your Enemies.” He points out that if someone angers you, you should thank them. The problem is not them, but in you. Their words or actions triggered a response in you that allows you to have more awareness of what is inside of you.⁴ It is challenging in that it still feels like the other person causing the problem, but it is you that is being triggered. The exception, of course, is physical or emotional abuse. Anger is a necessary protective reaction.

Your real “Authentic Self”

This all sounds a bit hopeless but there is a lot of hope once you realize the depth of your programming and how it is playing out today. The key word is, “awareness.” Once you are aware of how your past is continually playing out in the present, you can direct where you want your brain to develop going forward. It continues to change every second and the term is called, “neuroplasticity.” The sequence is 1) awareness 2) separation 3) reprogramming. Without awareness, you’ll continue to be mired in the past.

As you learn to take full responsibility for every one of your actions without judgement, you can create any reality you want by consistently making better choices, and the above-mentioned traits can be nurtured daily.

This new evolving person is still your authentic self. You just don’t have to keep searching for it.

References

1. By Marissa on” A to Zen Life,” June 11, 2022. https://atozenlife.com/authentic-person/
2. Eagleman, David. Livewired. Cannongate Books, Edinburgh, UK, 2020.
3. Feldman Barret, Lisa. How Emotions are Made. Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt, New York, NY, 2018.
4. DeMello, Anthony. The Way to Love. Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group. New York, NY, 1995.

The post Your “Authentic Self” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Your “Authentic Self” appeared first on Back in Control.

Objectives

• Human consciousness precludes suppressing thoughts and emotions without experiencing physiological consequences.
• You may intellectually understand that being judgmental is unkind, but it is universal and embedded in our existence.
• Judgements of others, positive or negative, are projections of our own self-opinion, much of which is based on cognitive distortions.
• But when you try to become “enlightened” or non-judgmental, you have made the problem worse as thought suppression fires up your nervous system even more.
• Endless judgment (or suppression) becomes tedious.
• Simple awareness of these disruptive thoughts allows you to separate from them and learn to move past them in a powerful way.

The psychological process of projection is an aspect of human conscious where we transfer our personal life outlook onto another person. Whether the projections are positive or negative, it is the same process. We see the world through our ow lens, which has been programmed into us from birth. This mental “filter” is embedded in our brains as concretely as our physical perceptions of our environment.¹ Our ideals and life outlook are our version of reality.

For example, a person who is highly critical of others may feel fearful, agitated, and negatively judge him or herself. Another self-confident and secure person may view the world in a similar positive manner but may not be able to see or understand darker characteristics in others. It sounds better than negative judgment, but he or she may be prone to being taken advantage of.

When we judge people around us—either positively or negatively—we are projecting aspects of ourselves onto them and have lost awareness of the details.

 Desperate

I had my first personal insight into this phenomenon a few years ago, after I emerged from a severe depression and burnout. While I was deep in the Abyss, I experienced an endless barrage of negative self-judgments. With repetition they became my “story,” my identity. My assessments of everyone else was also not great and my personal life fell apart. Of course, I blamed everyone else but me. All I wanted was to have a few positive thoughts about myself—any would do.

A few years after my life turned around, I realized that positive self-judgment was almost as disruptive to my peace of mind as negative self-judgment. My mind was still racing. Like negative thinking, it prevented me from experiencing the present moment. That realization was a major shift for me. After I had worked so hard to be successful and to acquire the things that would allow me to view myself in a more positive light, I realized that any judgment is still judgment. They are two sides of the same coin.

Awareness

Anthony De Mello, in his book, The Way to Love,² points out that as soon as you have labeled anyone—either positively or negatively—you have lost awareness. You can no longer see who he or she is. A comment, appearance, or opinion has triggered a reaction in you, and your response has little to do with who the person is. How well do you know them? What is going on in their life? What reasons do they have for feeling the way they do?

Going back in time a couple of thousand years, the Greek Stoic philosopher (and Roman slave), Epictetus, observed that it is different to call someone a drunk, as opposed to saying, “This is a person who drinks too much.”³ One is a disparaging label while the other is merely a description. Think about your experience about being labeled a “pain patient.” It would be more appropriate for the medical profession to consistently use the phrase, “This is a person who is suffering from chronic pain.”

Joy?

It is impossible to experience joy when you are in a judgmental state of mind. If you really stopped and took stock while you are judging someone, you might eventually notice how tedious and joyless you feel. You are merely endless projecting the same views—yours—onto others.

Yet, judgment is and always has been necessary for our survival in order to assess safety vs. danger. So, judgment is here to stay; you cannot stop judging. What can you do to keep judgment from robbing you of the joy that is your birthright? Become aware. De Mello’s solution is simply to become aware of the effect your judgmental nature is having on your quality of life and relationships. Awareness not only dissolves judgement, it is the only effective option.

Not being judgmental

An exercise that I offered my patients in the office was to think about someone they really disliked. (It usually doesn’t take long.) I said, “Look, you now understand the effects of labeling, and you no longer want to judge this person. What happens when you try to stop being judgmental? They would look at me and quickly realize that this was a form of thought suppression, which makes us even more judgmental.” They were often perplexed.

I pointed out that one of the major benefits of writing down these judgements and immediately destroying them was that they were separating from their thoughts instead of reacting to them. They were being “de-energized.” Although they may have still disliked this person, possibilities could open up for more careful listening and greater understanding of the other’s perspective. Being no longer trapped by your thoughts opens the door for more joy to enter your life. It  is a great feeling to find common ground with someone you historically regarded as an adversary.

I have also occasionally written down in detail what I think about a specific person – positive and negative; and then in the next column note how I feel about myself on these same topics. It’s enlightening and humbling.

Peace??

The great majority of us want peace in this world, but peace is improbable unless each person takes responsibility for his or her contribution to the collective consciousness. Is your consciousness one of peace or war? No matter how justified you feel about your position, anger is still anger and labeling is still labeling. Those behaviors are far more combative than merely liking or disliking a behavior, viewpoint, or person.

Why am I writing about being judgmental? Because ongoing judgments will keep you in a state of agitation. The adverse effects on your body’s chemistry increases your physical and mental pain⁴  with the additional ongoing pain being even more upsetting.

You don’t have a choice about being judgmental and suppression is even worse. You do have a choice of becoming aware and learning strategies to separate from and process it. As you move forward, it builds on itself, and positively affects your close relationships. Becoming aware is the one contribution each of us must offer to the human experience to move it to the next level.

Recap

Judgements of others reflect our internal view of ourselves. It unavoidable, as we must make endless assessments to remain alive. Most judgments are negative and are disruptive to our capacity to enjoy our day. By trying not to be this way worsens the situation in that suppression of thoughts activates your threat physiology even more.

So, what can you do? Just becoming aware of your inherent judgmental nature, will open up your thinking to endless possibilities. Then you can proceed along your healing journey. The definitive answer for chronic pain is embracing joy. Again, you must break loose from your established reactive patterns in order to move forward.

Questions and considerations

1. Self-awareness is challenging because thoughts are suppressed for a reason. Many of them are extremely unpleasant and don’t fit the image of who we want to be. They are there and are playing havoc with your body’s neurochemistry.
2. Suppression is a conscious effort to keep thoughts at bay and repression is an unconscious automatic process. Both require specific stepwise approaches in order to become aware of them and assimilate these unpleasant repetitive thoughts into your daily life.
3. Expressive writing is the one mandatory step to begin the separation process so you can head in the direction you choose. Healing occurs with moving forward, not with “fixing.”
4. Have you considered that positive judgments also block true awareness? They consume a lot of energy that detracts from you just living your life.

References

1. Feldman Barrett, Lisa. How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt Publishing, New York, New York. 2017.
2. DeMello, Anthony. The Way to Love. Bantam, Doubleday, Dell. NY, New York, 1995.
3. Lebell, Sharon. The Art of Living: Epictetus. Harper Collins, NY, New York, 1994.
4. Chen X, et al. Stress enhances muscle nociceptor activity in the rat. Neuroscience (2011); 185: 166–173.

The post Not Being Judgmental–Not Possible first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Not Being Judgmental–Not Possible appeared first on Back in Control.

• Much of our identity or self-esteem revolves around the “stories” we create to make sense out of the world.
• Many if not most of our stories involve judgment and labeling, which are classic cognitive distortions. They are not real although they seem real.
• Once you become aware of both the nature of these stories and the damaging effects on the quality of your life, you will be able to let go and move on.
• Life is much easier and free when you shed them.

Another level of awareness involves judgment and storytelling. We are programmed from birth to be a certain way or not based on the opinions of our parents, siblings, teachers, peers, and society. Each input is processed by your brain to create your version of life and how to best live it. The problem is that we are living out these stories, but we are not necessarily connected to who we actually are. These judgments/ stories tend to be rough and inflexible self- criticisms. The brain will focus on the negative judgments that ramp up our emotions because that is what is supposed to do – be on the lookout for danger. What does all of this have to do with being in pain? It fires up our flight or fight response, is inflammatory, sensitizes our nervous system, and we feel more pain.

These “stories” we have about ourselves that we project onto the world is the way we create our egos or self-image. One term for this process is “self-esteem.” It is a deadly process that is a root cause of many bad behaviors. Humans are focused on not being vulnerable because it threatens survival. We also know that emotional pain is as or more disruptive to your well-being as physical pain. So, we spend a tremendous amount of energy on appearing powerful–both to ourselves and the world.

The problem is that it can’t and doesn’t work. The unconsciousness survival response which is the source for the sensation we call anxiety, is far more powerful than our conscious brain. The personal and societal consequences are severe. Our “identity” is defined by our mental constructs of ourselves, most of which is created by the perceptions and reactions of those close to us. This is even a bigger problem if you were raised in a chaotic or abusive environment. Instead of feeling safe and connected, you are constantly “on alert” and you also have to build your own identity (façade).

What is more convoluted is that your identity becomes dependent on being accepted and validated by others but it is more powerful to withhold approval or even bully someone that you perceive is weaker. This circular power struggle continues throughout life unless you understand and use the tools that will pull you out of this game.

“ANTS”

It  becomes even more complicated when you begin to understand how the human brain works and much, if not most of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) is based on cognitive distortions. Dr. David Burns, in his best-selling book, Feeling Good,¹ categorizes them into ten “errors of thinking.” He uses the term “ANTS” to describe them, which stands for “automatic negative thoughts.” Some of the categories are:

• Labeling
• “Should thinking”
• Minimizing the positive
• Emphasizing the negative – “Not good enough”
• Mind reading
• Catastrophizing

I highly recommend looking at his book to understand them and become aware how much space they occupy in your conscious brain.

For example, imagine someone at work walked by you and didn’t acknowledge you. You might think they’re upset with you about a situation that occurred the day before. The error in thinking in this case would be “mind reading.” You can’t read other people’s minds. It’s possible that the other person had just received some bad news and wasn’t engaging with anyone. But you don’t really know. Making assumptions consumes emotional energy.

Labeling

Then there is the error of labeling. For example, a frequently late spouse becomes “inconsiderate.” A forgetful teenager becomes “irresponsible.” In the act of labeling, especially negative labeling, you’re overlooking the details of a given set of circumstances and also someone’s good qualities. You have limited your capacity to enjoy interacting with them.

Then there are the labels we have for ourselves: you knock something over and call yourself “clumsy.” If a lover breaks up with you, then you’re “unlovable.”  Rehashing these critical self-judgments in our minds turns them into deeply embedded stories. Such stories are much harder to move on from than single judgments. Once a judgment sets into a story, you tend to lose perspective. Over time, faulty thinking becomes your version of reality.

Regardless of what sets these patterns of thinking off, they are a universal part of the human experience called consciousness. My cat doesn’t have this problem. This is true whether chronic pain is involved or not. With chronic pain you have the added frustration of the physical stimulus to keep these circuits really spinning.

Self-Perceived Flaws

To better understand the story concept, consider common situations where the brain focuses on a self-perceived flaw that is not physically painful. It might be your height, weight, the shape of your body, or even an individual body part. Or it might be some particular quality, such as a lack of intelligence, athletic skill, musical talent, etc.

Thinking about these flaws over and over snares you in a destructive cycle of spinning neural circuits. For example, many years ago I had a patient with neck pain who was absolutely convinced that he was “stupid.” His self-labeling wasn’t rational, as he was clearly a bright guy. I don’t know if his view of himself somehow triggered it, but he eventually developed a significant chronic burning sensation around his mouth.

Something similar often happens in the entertainment industry, where performers commonly focus only on their negative reviews. My wife, who is a tap dancer, has seen this in her profession for years. She pointed out to me that a performer might have 99 positive reviews but will fixate on the one that’s negative. It’s a common saying among entertainers that, “You’re only as good as your worst critic.”

ANT’s and Relationships

Another destructive phenomenon is focusing on a spouse or partner’s negative traits. The other person usually has innumerable positive qualities that are forgotten in the face of their “flaw.” Over time the “story” we tell ourselves can become so strong it can break apart an otherwise great relationship. If you realized that you were just projecting your own negative perception of yourself onto him or her, you might think twice about verbalizing your thoughts. You might as well talk into a bullhorn and broadcast, “This is what I think about me.”

What’s curious to me is why the human brain does not become equally fixated on positive traits. Reconsidering Wegner’s “white bears” experiment,² maybe it’s because we don’t suppress positive thoughts. As proven in his experiment, fixation goes hand in hand with suppression.

Let your ego go

You may be unaware how much of your identity is wrapped up in creating and reinforcing these stories about who you are. So, you may spend much of your time in an agitated state and not know why.

But awareness of these stories is what can dissolve them. These perceived thought distortions are just as damaging as real threats, but with awareness, you can separate from them, and then redirect your attention where you choose. You don’t have to “fix” them because they are not real (even though they seem that way). You can train your brain to let go and move past them.

Awareness is the starting point and as these stories about yourself and others drop way, you’ll begin to experience your life at a deeper and more interesting level.

Recap

Self-esteem is a disaster at every conceivable level as it not only separates you from others, but you also can’t even work your way back to finding out who they really are. And what about the effects on you. You are not connected to yourself. It requires a tremendous amount of mental energy to create and maintain your ego, and it just a collective opinion of what the world has programmed you to be.

You can’t fix this issue. It is at the core of human language and consciousness. But by becoming aware of the issues around this situation, they will lose their power, and you’ll be free.

Questions and considerations

1. Please look at one of several books by Dr. David Burns, where he presents these 10 categories of cognitive distortions. You may be surprised to discover how much of your self-esteem is made up from these stories.
2. It is one of the easiest problems to deal with in that since these are truly distortions there is nothing to do except to be aware of them, separate, and move on.
3. Consider how much of your day is consumed by racing thoughts you can’t control. Every minute in this state reinforces unp neurological circuits and you are moving the wrong direction.
4. Healing occurs as you focus your attention on where you want your life to go and what you want it to look like. But you have to first let go before you can move forward.

References

1. Burns, David. Feeling Good. Avon Books, 1999.
2. Wegener DM, et al. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1987); 53: 5-13.

The post Deadly Nature of Self-esteem first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Deadly Nature of Self-esteem appeared first on Back in Control.