“The gift of the unconscious “– life

The interoceptive nervous system is intertwined with every cell and organ in your body. The interpretation of these internal signals gives rise to consciousness. The warning signals evolved to be intensely unpleasant so as to compel the organism optimize function and act in order to survive. Conversely, sensations of safety became equally as powerful to drive cooperation and reproduction. The reward and warning system are both always active and in a delicate balance. This finely tuned interaction allows immediate action in either direction. However, since survival is clearly the primary need, unpleasant sensations will be more frequent. Most of the time, your actions will minimize them quickly, and avoiding physical pain and unpleasant sensations is how we are programmed to stay alive. This incredibly powerful complex unconscious system is the “gift of life.”

“The curse of cognitive consciousness” – RUTs

Language allows us to possess “cognitive consciousness”, and the capacity to describe these sensations. Meaning is given to the feelings generated by these neurochemical reactions reflecting danger and safety. Since we are always on some degree of alert for trouble, there is an endless stream of RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts). Since physiology (how the body functions) affects every cell in your body, it is all encompassing, feels like who you are, and becomes a core part of your identity. So, the “gift of life” translates into the “curse of cognitive consciousness.”

Our brains become inflamed and hyperreactive with excitatory neurotransmitters and inflammatory cells when in flight or fight physiology. Humans describe these sensations generated from an activated threat response, “anxiety and anger.” They are physiologic states and not psychological.^1,2 Blood flow in the brain shifts from the neocortex (thinking centers) to the limbic system (fear and survival regions) so you cannot think as clearly when you are under real or perceived stress. An inflamed brain fires up even more RUTs, which are also perceived as dangerous and there is no end to this cycle.

                                                                     Goodtime/Adobe Stock

While we have an automatic withdrawal response (nociceptive system) for acute physical pain, there is no such response for mental pain. Suppressing RUTs only fires up threat physiology more and further creates more RUTS. There is no end to this loop, and we have no protection from mental pain.³

We attempt to create “good thoughts” from our conscious brain to counter the “bad” thoughts. This is an impossible task, as the unconscious brain continues to remain “fired up” and the bad thoughts continue to fly. Cognition requires conscious mental effort, consumes energy, is a gross mismatch of power, and is not sustainable. The unconscious brain processes between 20-40 million bits of information per second and our conscious brain deals with only about 40 per second. This interaction is why RUTs are so common, miserable for many, and the consequences are often severe.

Consequences of RUTs

One consequence is that well-intentioned people are more affected in that they may view themselves negatively because these thoughts are such a dark contrast to who they perceive they are or what they stand for. They don’t realize that these thoughts are interpretations of feelings generated from the unconscious brain. Efforts to combat RUTs often border on heroic, but the fallout is that people who potentially could significantly contribute to the common good are often crippled by anxiety (threat physiology) or just get worn down.

Less well-intentioned people may simply act out these thoughts and impulses without a lot of self-judgment. Hence, history is replete with tyranny and control. There is actually a physiological reward for power and control. Bullies have been documented to have lower inflammatory markers than average, whereas those who have been subjected to being bullied have higher inflammatory markers.⁴

Not only do humans expend a lot of energy fighting bad thoughts with good ones, but we also create “stories” to feel better about ourselves. We call it ego, self-esteem, or identity. As the powerful unconscious brain continues to keep us alive regardless of what we think or feel, there is no end to our efforts to create an identity that is bulletproof.

Another, more primitive solution, is exerting power and control based on these stories. The solution to anxiety is control, but without a way of decreasing RUTs, there is also no limit to what we do to control ourselves and others. These “stories” are often the basis evil actions. Once we label someone or a group of people as “less than” than we can justify any action in order to “bring them in line” or exterminate them. Labels are cognitive distortions that destroy awareness of details and the needs of others.^5,6

“The gift of cognitive consciousness” – choice

Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something that was perceived as dangerous from the past. You are no longer in the present and cannot clearly see the details of the situation in front of you. You can will your way back to neutral or better for periods of time. But you have now lost choice, which is the gift of consciousness. It is truly a gift in that you can use the body’s property of neuroplasticity to create any brain (and reality) that you wish. But you cannot access it while you feel under threat. It is simply not possible.

The gift of our unconscious is life, and it keeps us alive at any cost. RUTs reflect this effort and are the curse of cognitive consciousness. Separating our identity from them and regulating our physiology from threat to safety allows us to access the gift of consciousness, which is choice. There are no shortcuts. You must  separate your identity from your survival reactions with awareness create choices. You are “letting go” (“Cing” first) in order to proactively move forward into creating the brain (neuroplasticity) and life you desire . Our lives can and will transform from reaCtive to Creative.

Why has this not been figured out long ago? Maybe it is because anxiety and anger have historically been placed into psychological/ mental categories instead of understanding they are such powerful activated physiological states. Avoiding the sensation of anxiety (vulnerability) drives most of human behavior. Much of it is dysfunctional and destructive. Medicine has not collectively acknowledged threat physiology as the driving force behind chronic mental/ physical symptoms, illness, and disease. It is no wonder that the burden of chronic disease continues spiral out of control.

The human race is a reactive species that knows how to physically survive. We have choice but can’t seem to access it with enough regularity to proactively create a thriving life and planet. Awareness allows choice and is where mental and physical healing begins.

References

1. Teed AR, et al. Association of generalized anxiety disorder with autonomic hypersensitivity and blunted ventromedial prefrontal cortex activity during peripheral adrenergic stimulation. JAMA Psychiatry (2022); doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2021.4225
2. Takahashi A, et al. Aggression, social stress, and the immune system in humans and animal models. Front. Behav. Neurosci. (2018); 12:56. Doi: 10.3389/fnbeh.2018.00056
3. Wegner, DM. Ironic processes of mental control (1994); 101:34-52.
4. Copeland W, et al.” Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood.” PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
5. Burns, David. Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Harper Collins, New York, 1993.
6. De Mello, Anthony. The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony De Mello. Doubleday, New York, NY,1992.

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Here is the essence of the problem with RUTs and the human condition. The sequence begins with your unconscious brain that is constantly on alert for danger and is much more powerful than our late-evolving language-based consciousness. Humans use language to give meaning to everything, especially to sensations generated from inside of your body (interoception). Danger, real or perceived creates threat physiology that generates various levels and kinds of discomfort, and we have created many words that describe how badly we feel. These unpleasant thoughts evolve into concepts. They originate from the brain and also are sensory input back into it that we react to with threat physiology. We are on a spinning wheel without brakes and our brains are on fire.

New Africa/AdobeStock

The conscious versus unconscious brain mismatch

So, we generate positive thoughts to counteract unpleasant ones. We work hard to develop enough self-esteem to feel better about ourselves. But the powerful unconscious brain can generate an infinite number of troubling thoughts with minimal extra energy expended whereas the conscious brain can only create a limited number of “good” thoughts that requires effort and expenditure of energy. It is a gross mismatch, your survival brain overwhelms your efforts to feel better about yourself, you experience cognitive fatigue, and you are worn down.

The root cause driving the creation of RUTs is your fired up inflamed brain. Once the thoughts are released, how can you put them back into the box? You cannot. It is like trying to kill a swarm of mosquitos with a fly swatter. What’s effective is calming down threat physiology (anxiety and anger), the RUTs are diminished, which lessens the threat load even more. This is a bidirectional process. The medical/ psychology world has primarily focused on the RUTs without addressing the physiological root cause. Over the last decade, that is changing, and many practitioners are using methods to calm people down as the primary focus. Why not drain the swamp?

Consider a hornet’s nest where the inhabitants are minding their own business. They are working together constructing a home, gathering food, watching out for danger, and reproducing. Then someone or animal comes along and starts poking at the hive. Appropriately, they sense danger and use the weapons at their disposal to fight off the threat. Swarms of hornets attack the predator with the intention to inflict pain and they do. What is the best answer? Is it trying to battle the hornets once they are in the battle mode, or would it be easier to quit prodding the nest? It is impossible to do battle with your innumerable RUTs. Why not calm down your inflamed brain? Your RUTs will quiet down. Then you have the ”space” to move into brain circuits where you can nurture joy, move away from pain circuits, and where the definitive healing happens.

schankz/AdobeStock

Dissolution of your ego

The final step of allowing your ego (self-esteem) to dissolve can’t happen until you are able to tolerate the painful thoughts arising from your unconscious brain. Emotional pain is processed in similar regions of the brain as physical pain. The reason we spend so much time and energy on our self-esteem is because RUTs make us feel so badly about ourselves and we don’t like to hurt. Once you have no more need to “defend” your identity built largely from cognitive distortions, you can live your life in freedom.

There is another layer to the devastating effects of RUTs. “Good” self-esteem is a cognitive distortion of labeling. It doesn’t matter whether your label is “better than” or “less than”, it is still a distortion and where does it end? Then think of how many aspects of your identity are determined by “stories” consisting of cognitive distortions. A major one is “should or should not” thinking, which is at the core of how we are programmed from birth. It manifests in perfectionism and self-critical voices. These voices become stronger with time and become embedded in our brains as concretely as physical objects. At some tipping point, we spend the rest of our lives processing our worlds though our life lens and it is continually reinforced. Many people develop mental rigidity as part of this process, and it is a trait that is at the center of almost any mental health problem. Defending and becoming attached to your own sense of self is the antithesis of awareness which is essential for successful human interactions.

RUTs are one of the expressions of threat physiology. Addressing this root cause allows definitive solutions. Humans must learn to navigate cognitive consciousness in ways other than a survival mindset. Understanding the nature of the problem opens up possibilities to thrive. It is the next step in our evolution of our species with dire consequences if we don’t.

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• Mental rigidity is a transdiagnostic process that spans many mental health diagnoses
• Creating mental flexibility may be an important early intervention in successfully treating them.
• The need to suppress unpleasant thoughts is a driver of this process.
• Creating mental flexibility is challenging in that people must be trained to tolerate and process unpleasant thoughts.
• Mindfulness Based Interventions (MBIs) have been shown to decrease mental rigidity.

Another form of suppression?

Mental rigidity is a variation of suppressing thoughts in that you will allow yourself only certain sets and types of thoughts and emotions. You don’t allow yourself to feel so happy or sad. Your emotional bandwidth is limited and can be compared to a bowling with rubber bumpers in the gutters. This may work to a large degree, but since you are constantly monitoring your thoughts, it is difficult to see and hear messages from others. You are unaware, which is at the core of abuse. Seeing and meeting only your needs causes one to behave in a manner that may hurt and damage others. Also, mental inflexibility is a common trait shared by many mental health diagnoses.¹

It gets worse. Rigid thinking around belief systems creates deep circuits in your brain (“stories”) that detach you not only from others but also the needs of society. These obsessive thought patterns seem “normal” to a given person. And when your brain is ruminating on these circuits, you have largely “crowded out” unpleasant repetitive thoughts. So, it is helpful for you, but not so much for others. Inevitably, there will be conflicts with those who have differing patterns of rigidity that are not subject to rational conversation. The perverse aspect of this is that the ensuing angry conflicts are powerful, further mask anxiety, and are addicting. Why would you want to give up the power of anger to feel anxious. Maybe it is your energy source that drives you to be “successful?”

Rigidity can revolve anything. Religion, politics, business, race, social class, personal opinions, noble ideology, and sports. The opinions can be small or global. They manifest as rhetoric (labeling), which completely covers up the real issues or specifics of who a person it.

                                                elit76_d/ AdobeStock

Reactance

It gets even darker. We will do almost anything to avoid or escape from the relentless barrage of negative thoughts. The science shows that thoughts and concepts become embedded in our brain similar to us defining any physical objective.² In other words, these fixed ideas become our life lens or world view. At some tipping point it hardens, and a phenomenon happens called “reactance.” This is a basic known fact in the marketing world.³ Facts never change one’s opinion. If they agree with your views, they are reinforced. However, when are not in agreement, you’ll reject them as invalid, and it strengthens your perspective even more. The more concrete your world view, the more definitive your actions will be to defend it.

The darkest aspect of it all is that many people feel the strength of their convictions (stories) to the point that they have the right, even responsibility to impose it on others. Hence, the outcome is extremely bad actions that occur both at a personal and world level.

We all have some aspect of this trait in that we feel that our perspective is the correct one, and we’ll freely be critical of those who don’t meet our “standards.” We may just think it or take varying degrees of action. Regardless of what you do, you have now lost awareness of the details of another person or situation. How can you act or react in a productive/ proactive manner?

Abuse

What about being raised in a dysfunctional or even abusive family? Your life lens is created from a hostile and dangerous environment. Going forward, you’ll constantly be in high alert similar to a feral cat. This environment creates a terribly destructive life view that also becomes stronger over time – unless you actively reprogram it.

The essence of abuse is not being aware of other’s needs. Rigid thinking takes unawareness to the highest level. It is often couched in seductive rhetoric. People in power understand the power of simple repetition and can program in anything they wish, regardless of whether it is logical or true.

The disease blocks treatment

How can this be solved? One of the most perverse aspects of the problem is that essentially all mental disorders are manifestations of chronic inflammation and other aspects of threat physiology. It this state your brain is inflamed, your neocortex (thinking regions) become less active, and it is challenging to open up your mind to new learning. Additionally, the rigidity also compromises awareness and curiosity.

Recent research has demonstrated that Mindfulness-Based Interventions (MBIs) are effective in increasing the connectivity between regions of the brain that define self. The term is the “Pattern Theory of Self.” Alterations that affect the dynamic interaction, are a factor in creating mental rigidity. The effects are manifested in many psychopathologies.

LoloStock/ Adobe Stock

By increasing the functional connectivity in regions connected with a sense of self and decrease the activity in interpreting the self’s relationship to the world, mental flexibility is increased. Indeed, MBIs are documented to more effective than many “gold standards” of psychological treatments.²

Chronic mental and physical illness and diseases are complex, and one type of intervention alone would not be expected to be a solution. However, MBI’s promise to be an entry point in breaking through the barrier of anger and rigidity to pursue a truly healing process. Many, if not most, chronic diseases are curable or at least can be halted. Research is beginning to offer real solutions.

Recap

Repetitive unpleasant thoughts (RUTs) are a driver of mental rigidity. It is a form of trying to control thoughts that is a common thread across many mental health diagnoses. Decreasing mental rigidity is a target for improving mental health interventions. It has been documented to be effective both clinically and with brain imaging. Mindfulness based interventions (MBIs) are a category of interventions that are effective in improving mental flexibility; and are potentially an entry point for effective solutions.

References

1. Giommi F, et al. The (in)flexible self: Psychopathology, mindfulness, and neuroscience. International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology (2023); 23:100381. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijchp.2023.100381
2. Feldman-Barrett, Lisa. How Emotions are Made, Mariner Books, 2017.
3. Berger Jonah. The Catalyst. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY. 2020.

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• The “C”quence of healing is connection, confidence, and creativity.
• You must first become aware of and connect with all aspects of your past in order to move forward.
• Confidence originates from being deeply connected to it.
• It is the antithesis of pursuing self-esteem where your efforts are spent trying to outrun your past.
• Ironically, as you allow yourself to be with your unpleasant aspects of your past, self-esteem will grow.

In our efforts to feel better about the intentionally unpleasant feelings generated by our flight or fight physiology, we pursue self-esteem. It is mismatch of the powerful unconscious brain and your conscious part of it. You can’t win and the harder you try, the deeper you’ll sink into despair. It is also a universal problem. The opposite energy emanates from being with every aspect of your past instead of trying to outrun or mask it.

Going Deep

Consider a tree as a metaphor for your life. The soil represents your entire past and is the source for learning and future growth. There is one major root in any tree that is called the taproot. It grows straight down in search of water and nutrients. The trees with deepest ones are found in harsh dry environments. A tree may initially show little growth for a few years until the taproot is more mature. Roots grow relentlessly and will even grow through rock. The more developed and complex the root system, the better the chances for survival and growth.

All humans have some level of trauma. Our needs are not always immediately met even in the best of circumstance and adversity never stops coming at us. Many people have suffered severe, even extreme childhood trauma and there is plenty more to be had in adulthood. We don’t feel good about it and might feel ashamed of it. So, a lot of time and energy is spent on analyzing, fixing, covering up, whitewashing, or suppressing the past. Why wouldn’t we? Somehow, we feel that by spending a lot of time dealing with past, we’ll have a better life. The problem is that your attention is focused on the problems and not the solutions. It is where your brain will develop. It also requires a lot of energy that could be used in dealing with the present and thriving.

 Awareness – “C’ing”

The first step in problem solving is seeing ALL aspects of a given problem AND then having choices how to respond. To be creative, the “C/see” needs to be first. All of us know that certain phrases, behaviors, situations, people, etc. will elicit a fairly predictable and rapid reaction. You are reacting before you have even absorbed or comprehended the full scope of the problem. Consequently, you may make a flawed decision. Unfortunately, these learned reactions strengthen with age and repetition. The phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is an accurate phrase. It is not that the dog cannot be taught. Embedded reactive patterns of thinking must be broken up first.

Unawareness

The first step in cultivating deeper awareness is recognizing when you are unaware. Awareness is the opposite of projecting your perception of the world onto others and situations.

Clues include feeling anxious or angry, being critical or judgmental, holding onto rigid belief systems in any domain, gossiping, complaining, “being right”, not fully listening to other’s opinions, intolerance, labeling others, and creating an identity based on ideals. All of us engage in some of these actions every day. It is inherent in being human and having language. Suppressing these traits is even worse, in that you’ll have no hope for change if you don’t know where you are starting from. The key is nurturing awareness of these actions, observing them, and then deciding what to do next.

Without knowing you are unaware, you’ll continue to reinforce your current life outlook (self-image/esteem) with “input” that supports it. What is more problematic is that if you receive conflicting data, you’ll reject it. This is an even more powerful force in strengthening your outlook and “life filter.” How can you really learn and change? Continually projecting your views eventually becomes tedious and you’ll become more “set in your ways.” It is the way your brain works. The marketing world calls this phenomenon, “reactance”, and they use it to their advantage.¹

What are you connecting to?

The basic awareness that must be cultivated is understanding what are you connecting to? By default, you are connected to your past programming. Much of it is unpleasant and  you may be reinforcing the same trajectory deeper into the abyss. Or you may be trying to outrun it by pursuing pleasure. But since you cannot outrun your subconscious mind, it can’t and doesn’t work. A common approach is to achieve, acquire, and accomplish and create a life that appears wonderful to others but is not based on solid ground. The same adrenalized  energy that takes you up the mountain of “success” may cause you to fall down the other side. For example, consider the problem of “imposter syndrome.”

The connection that is necessary for growth is allowing yourself to feel regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. “You have to feel to heal,” has been said in almost every domain of mental health. Being OK with uncomfortable emotions is at the core of healing. This has been around well before modern neuroscience. As you resist unpleasant thoughts and emotions, you are inadvertently placing more attention to them, and they will flourish. That is not what you want.

Are you connecting to you or your ideals? It is common to pursue better self-esteem, which consists of the “stories” in our minds that we create in order to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, most of these arise from who everyone else thinks we should be and by the time we are old enough to make our own way, our life lens is embedded in our nervous system. Many of these stories are cognitive distortions and have little to do with the reality right in front of us. As they become more repetitive thought patterns, they occupy a lot of our consciousness and push out our capacity for enjoyment.

There are many ways to train yourself to tolerate difficult and intrusive thoughts and emotions. Learning these skills to process stress is much different than trying to avoid it, suppress it, or remaining a victim.

“Neuroshment”

Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something in the past that you perceived as dangerous or was dangerous. It can be a mental or physical threat. Digging in and being with your past is the opposite of seeking self-esteem.

The “soil” of your past is the source of “neuroshment” (2) for future growth. The ongoing question is, “what can I learn?” Be with the past, increase your awareness of your history, reactions, and be present with it all. Watch your self-esteem flourish.

References

1. Berger, Jonah. The Catalyst. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2020.
2. Word invented and conceptualised by Rita Salvador who broke free after suffering for over 50 years.

Recap

Confidence emerges from being solidly anchored in every aspect of your past. Much of it is uncomfortable, but it is what is there. Suppressing or running from your past can’t work and consumes a tremendous amount of life energy. You also cannot make good decisions without knowing where you are starting from. You may require professional help to assimilate your past. Also understand that the “stories” you create can anchor you in it. Immerse yourself and use tools to break free. BTW, if you can connect and be with the “bottom” there is nowhere to go but up.

Questions and considerations

1. Your ego consists of the “stories” you create to present a confident front to the world. Why wouldn’t you? Being vulnerable is often punished.
2. Consider that when you are upset, it is often about defending your ego.
3. Are you able to tolerate unpleasant feelings? Do you avoid them?
4. Emotional pain shares similar brain circuits as physical pain. Why would you want to hurt? But where is the escape from these thoughts?
5. First learn to be with the pain and learn the strategies to move forward.

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• Forgiveness does not have to be that difficult. You are simply making a choice of not letting a situation or someone you dislike ruin your day.
• It specifically is part of the “input” aspect of dealing with anger.
• Anger is present in everyone’s life every day.
• There are different ways of accessing forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle. “Flipping the switch” is an abbreviated version of it.
• Don’t let anger run you.

Forgiveness is a big word and a loaded one for most of us. There are many situations that seem (or are) unforgiveable. But ongoing anger, which reflects a hyper-activated threat response, is deadly when it is sustained. The essence of the reaction is feeling trapped – by anything, including pain. The depth of your frustration is indescribable and is the driving force keeping you in The Abyss.

It is more useful to reframe forgiveness as just one aspect of “anger processing,” which is a multi-pronged approach to lower your stress chemistry. Forgiveness specifically addresses input into your nervous system that sends out messages of danger creates a heightened state of alert. Holding onto the past is a major reason your body will remain in this state, and eventually it breaks down. The focus of processing anger is bringing your body’s physiology back into a state of feeling safe.

Genealogy of anger

The sequence of becoming angry is:

• Circumstance or person who has wronged you (real or perceived)
• Blame
• Victim
• Anger

Anger is so powerful that no one ever wants to let it go. Becoming aware of this universal unwillingness to move on is a critical first step. Being a victim is a strong role, and it helps you feel safe, whether you are or not. You are never going to wake up one day and feel that you want to give it up. You must keep making ongoing choices to “let go.”

Then the next step is being aware when you are in a victim role. There are many disguises. Unfortunately, this hyper-vigilant neurochemical state (anger) shuts down the rational frontal cortex of your brain, and your glial cells (support system for neurons) throw off inflammatory markers, which sensitize your nervous system. This cascade of events blocks access to being open, having insight, treatment, and healing.

You simply have to decide whether you want to remain in this role or move on. There is no magic or shortcuts. It is an ongoing intellectual choice of, “I don’t want to continue being a victim.” One term for this decision is, “flipping the switch.” It might be considered an abbreviated version of forgiveness and is accessible quickly.

Levels of forgiveness

At its most basic level forgiveness is simply “cutting the cord” and “letting go.” This is different than “acceptance” and “suppressing.” It is an intellectual decision you make every time your attention lands on an upsetting spot. That is it and all that is necessary to free yourself from the past. You have definitively altered the input.

A deeper level of forgiveness would be seeing the situation through the other party’s eyes and have some understanding of where he or she is coming from. This allows you “let go” a little more deeply.

Developing compassion for the other person is what a lot of people consider forgiveness. You realize that there is a high chance that they are suffering and the reason they acted badly. But it may be essentially impossible to achieve, especially if there is ongoing abuse. It is not necessary to reach this level to effectively process anger.

Processing anger is a skill you’ll use daily. It is a powerful statement to you and the world that you are going to live your life on your terms, and no one person or situation is going to take that away from you. It is the tipping point of healing in that you cannot create the necessary shift in your brain to move on without letting go of the past.

Methods of changing the input

There are various ways of accessing forgiveness and not letting the past interfere with your day. I learned many of these following concepts from Dr. Fred Luskin, who is a friend of mine and author of Forgive for Good¹. Some suggestions include:

• Understand how detrimental it is to hold on to the past and not live in the present. Dr. Luskin calls this scenario “renting too much space in your mind.”
• Just “let go.” Is this person or situation worth disrupting your day and peace of mind? Use the “5 – 3 – 2” strategy to minimize any damage caused by anger and maximize your capacity to enjoy your life.
• Reframe the situation. Make a choice not to view yourself as a victim and look at challenges as opportunities. “Never waste a crisis.”
• Cultivate awareness—just being aware of your anger can dissolve it. Especially when you realize that it exists only within you.
• Identify your grievance stories—Dr. Luskin also makes the observation that if you tell the same story more than three times where you are the victim, you have a “grievance story.”
  • This is particularly relevant when suffering from chroni pain when it really was someone else’s fault. How long do you want that person or employer to run your life? They are not worth your time.
• “The unenforceable rules”—There are many situations and people in life that you wish would be different, but you have no control or say. It is fine to want a better scenario, but when that wish turns into a mental demand, it is problematic. Spending time being upset about things you have no control over is a complete waste of time.
• Have compassion—I mention this gingerly because this step is difficult and not mandatory to move on. Most people, including me, can’t achieve this without professional help.
• Please just don’t read this list. Processing anger requires daily practice and many approaches. Forgiveness is an important aspect of it.

Essentially every person I have seen truly heal has learned to recognize and process his or her anger. Although you can somewhat improve without dealing with it, the real breakthroughs won’t happen without letting go. Each person will learn these skills at their own pace. It is powerful and we have observed that letting go of anger is the “shortcut to healing.”

Recap

Anger is so powerful and necessary that you will never want to give it up. Besides, you can’t control it. Life keeps coming at us and you’ll have the opportunity to practice dealing with it daily.

You can choose what you want to input into your nervous system, and you can also what you want to hang onto. Forgiveness is one of the tools that allows you to “let go” and move on. But every time you think about the situation or person who wronged you, your nervous system will fire up.

Realize that forgiveness is just one of the tools of anger processing that may not be relevant to a given situation or you can’t access it. Putting it into context of being only one of the approaches helps you to use it quickly and efficiently. Maybe it lasts for only a few minutes. That’s fine. You can do it again, and again, and again.

Questions and considerations

1. If you are this far into the course, you have realized that you are angry. Everyone is and it is particularly intense when trapped by your thoughts and/or physical pain. However, some people still are not connected to it or are not aware of the magnitude of its impact. Consider how connected or not you are to your anger.
2. Review the disguises of anger. We may not want to present an angry front to others or ourselves. We are incredibly skilled at disguising it. What might be your set of disguises?
3. Many people have a long history with the word, “forgiveness.” You might feel badly because you can’t or won’t let of anger. No one really can. This is a massive end-of-the-line survival reaction that you have no control over. Understand, your way of “letting go” may be completely different than your concept of forgiveness.
4. The strategies mentioned above are methods to forgive. As you can see, there are many variations. This word is not as concrete as you might think. Find out what works best for you.

References

1. Luskin, Dr. Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper One, New York, 2003.

The post Forgiveness is Not What You Think – Learn It first appeared on Back in Control.

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However, you cannot go from pain to play without tools and strategies. It is too big of a leap. The impact of chronic pain on your quality of life has been documented to be equivalent to suffering from terminal cancer – except that it is even worse.¹ We acknowledge the severity of your suffering, and it is why I use the term, “The Abyss” to describe how dark this place is.

Two aspects of healing

The DOC Journey app considers the healing process in two ways that are interconnected.

• Efficiently processing stress – the protective reactions of anxiety and anger. They are gifts that allowed us to evolve and how we survive. You must develop a “working relationship” with them. They are what you inherently possess, but not who you are. This is a necessary skill set in that you can’t move forward without letting go.
• Moving into your life’s vision of what you desire. This is where the deep healing occurs. The strategies you’ll learn will stimulate your brain to physically change (neuroplasticity). As you move away from the pain circuits and more pleasurable ones are nurtured, you will thrive.

Play for the sake of play

You cannot use play and pleasure to distract yourself from being in pain. Anxiety, anger, and pain are too powerful. It is why the healing journey consists of separate facets –  neutralizing the survival circuits and moving into safety. It is a dynamic process with no beginning or end. It’s life.

Visualize your life as a bathtub. The water flowing in through the faucet represents the enjoyable, rejuvenating parts of life. Then picture an unusually large drain that represents anxiety and anger. When you’re agitated and anxious, the drain is wide open, and it won’t matter how much water you run into the tub, it will never fill up. It’s impossible to build up your energy reserves enough to heal.

The DOC Journey app will teach you ways to dynamically plug the drain. You will use them multiple times a day indefinitely, and they quickly become automatic. However, this step alone doesn’t create healing or give you a good life.

To have an enjoyable life, you must live an enjoyable life.

Now imagine running the bath water with the drain closed. You’ve learned how to effectively process your stresses, so you can relax in the tub and enjoy yourself. You can create whatever life you desire. These learned skills are a bit challenging when you are used to spending so much of your life’s energy escaping from pain.

Similar to learning a new language, your brain will develop in whatever direction you place your attention (neuroplasticity). You cannot learn French by fixing your English. The default language for humans is survival and pain. Trying to fix yourself focuses your attention on the problem and reinforces these pain circuits. Learning French requires repetition and practice. In order to experience and enjoyable life, you must live and nurture it. This is where deep healing occurs.

The physiology of threat and safety

Physiology is the term used to describe the operations of your body. It is largely unconscious, automatic, incredibly complex, and powerful.

ANXIETY/ PAIN

Anxiety is a physiological state. It is the sensation you experience when you sense real or perceived danger. Your body is being directed to mobilize resources to enhance your chances of survival. It is intended to be deeply unpleasant so as to mobilize you to take action to optimize your actions and function (physiology) to live another day.

It is well documented in the medical literature that chronic stress kills. Why? It is because when you are exposed to threats in any form, your body goes into a defensive survival state of “flight or fight” where you are consuming energy. When this is sustained, your body utilizes energy from your own tissues, including tendons, ligaments, fat cells, internal organs, brain cells by breaking them down. This response also includes the powerful immune system, which is intended to ward off cancer cells, viruses, bacteria, and any foreign invaders. However, when it remains fired up, your inflammatory cells will also attack and destroy your own tissues. The end results are mental and physical symptoms, illnesses, and diseases.

Humans have and additional trait in that we possess language and consciousness. Although there are many benefits, there is a severe downside that I call, “The Curse of Consciousness.” Thoughts are sensory input that also create this threat physiological state. Since we cannot escape them, every person is subjected to some level of ongoing stress physiology.

SAFETY/ PLAY

Play is also a physiological state and the home run for healing. It is necessary for your body to be in a safe state in order to rest and regenerate to build up your reserves for inevitable daily threats. When you are in a “rest and digest” state, you are repairing tissues and storing fuel.

The essence of chronic mental and physical disease is sustained exposure to threats. The foundation of sustaining life is minimizing your exposure to fight or flight chemistry and maximizing your time in safety.

The DOC Journey app

The DOC Journey app will help you create experiences to relax and relearn to play. The optimum chemical composition for your health is when you are laughing and connected to the present moment. The sequence of the app is based on the following:

• Awareness – necessary for solving any challenge
• Hope – an anti-inflammatory powerful healing force
• Letting go/ processing anger – you can’t move forward while holding onto the past.
• Moving forward/ Play – a profound shift in your body’s chemistry

The app is educational and also has a toolbox you can easily access anytime. The best part of this journey though, is that you’ll learn to “Wake the fun up” – and thrive.

Recap

Visualize trying to cross a large scenic mountain lake while rowing a boat with a big hole in the bottom of it. The boat is slowly sinking, and you can’t easily both bail and navigate. Most of your efforts are focused on trying to stay afloat, and you don’t much energy left to take in the beautiful view and experience peace.

The hole again represents the drain created by ongoing anxiety and frustration. Trying to outrun your automatic survival reactions can’t and doesn’t work. Processing stress and creating your vision are two separate but intertwined aspects of healing. Once you can efficiently plug the hole, you’ll have the energy to live and enjoy your life journey.

Prepare yourself to navigate your life. Do it now because it won’t just happen. You have only one shot at this human experience.

References

1. Fredheim OM, Kaasa S, Fayers P, Saltnes T, Jordhøy M, Bortchgrevink PC. Chronic non-malignant pain patients report as poor health-related quality of life as palliative cancer patients. Acta Anaesthesiol Scand )2008); 52:143-148.

The post “Wake the Fun Up” – The DOC Journey App first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “Wake the Fun Up” – The DOC Journey App appeared first on Back in Control.

• Awareness is at the center of life. You cannot make good decisions without understanding the relevant variables.
• It is also an important tool in and of itself. By understanding the different types of awareness and knowing where you are in given moment, you can navigate life’s challenges more easily.
• The “circle of life” represents three states of the human experience and reflects the state of your body’s physiological state.
• Combining awareness skills with the “circle of life” allows you to selectively use tools to regulate your body’s chemistry.
• You can navigate life on your terms.

Awareness is both at the core of survival and also thriving. These are learned and separate skills. Survival is instinctual and whatever tools you have become embedded over your lifetime. However, many of our actions are not only ineffective but can make situations worse. Acquiring effective stress processing skills is important.

Thriving is not as instinctual and it must be cultivated and nurtured. If you are trying to use pleasant experiences, power, and material possessions to compensate for unpleasant survival emotions, it can’t and doesn’t work. You cannot outrun your mind. They key to thriving is developing a “working relationship” with anxiety and anger, and then you are able to create the life you want. Solving problems doesn’t yield a good life. You have to live a good life to have a good life.

Additionally, awareness is critical to processing life. You can’t solve problems in any domain without understanding details from both your perspective and also that of other involved parties. If you are projecting your views onto a given situation, you are not going to come up with consistently viable solutions. For example, you may have repeated troubles with relationships at home and work and can’t figure out why.

Putting awareness to work

The first necessary step in using awareness is looking at clues that you are not as aware as you think you are. BTW, if you think you are “aware” or “enlightened”, then you have already demonstrated that you are not aware. Any labels, positive or negative, block awareness.

Then seeing your unawareness will allow to deepen your awareness and start you down the pathway of using awareness as a tool.

Second, understanding and nurturing the different types of awareness enables you to learn skills in each of these arenas. Here are four suggested types to use as a baseline.

• Environmental
• Emotional
• Judgment/ “The stories”
• Ingrained patterns

Environment awareness a tool to be used daily and as you train your brain to connect to specific sensory inputs, it takes your attention away from disruptive thought patterns. As you continue to practice, it becomes more automatic, and your mind can calm down.

Emotional awareness is difficult in that you are training your brain to experience pain that you have been suppressing and repressing. Remember, emotions are what you are feeling in various physiological states – safety versus threat. They drive your behavior in order to avoid danger and seek safety. Since mental and physical pain are processed in a similar manner, emotional pain actually hurts. So, why would you want to feel it? Because suppressed/ repressed emotions fire up your body’s nervous system and chemistry even more.

Awareness of the stories you create about your life to make sense out where you fit into the world is particularly deadly. Many of these stories have been programmed in by your family, friends, and society. A high percent of them are actually cognitive distortions that continue to keep you ramped up even when your circumstances are good. The good news is that you don’t have to do anything about them because they are not based on reality. You can just become aware, separate, and move forward. If you choose to prove them wrong or ignore them, you have inadvertently reinforced them.

The ingrained patterns are the essence of who you are, make up your life view, and evolve to become the lens through which all new information is processed. Since the human brain is programmed by interacting with others, each individual is incredibly unique. The early input is critical as it sets the trajectory for the rest of your life. By definition, you cannot see these patterns without outside help as they are your frame of reference. Creating a clear awareness of your past programming is a necessary powerful way of switching your life from a reactive to a creative mode. It is also a much more interesting way of interacting with others, as opposed to constantly projecting your views onto them.

Third, once you become more familiar and skilled in developing these levels of awareness, you can actively use them as tools to calm down and re-direct your nervous system. Some people make the strong argument that awareness is the only tool you need to heal. We know that you can’t “fix” yourself. Your attention is focused on the problem and from a neuroplasticity perspective, you are reinforcing it. With awareness, you can watch yourself respond, somehow you are getting out of your own way and allowing yourself to heal. You have become an observer of your own healing. Remember, the steps required to create neuroplastic changes in your brain are: 1) awareness 2) separation (create some “space”), and 3) redirecting your attention.

Finally, the “circle of ife”, which contains the “ring of fire,” can be used as a foundational template for implementing awareness into your daily life. On a given day or moment, you can quickly assess your relationship with any of the four kinds of awareness and see which part of the “circle of life” you are in. You then have a choice of using your tools to move in the direction of your choice. But you can’t redirect unless you know where you are starting from. You will notice that moving easily between all aspects of your life on your terms is the goal of The DOC Journey. Then you are beginning your real journey of life.

The” circle of life” is the signature tool of The DOC Journey. The challenging aspect of this tool is that you must allow yourself to feel everything – but only as you can tolerate it. Allowing yourself to feel anxious is difficult because no living creature is programmed allow vulnerability. The consequences are harsh. Yet with language, we have the capacity to develop complex relationships, which requires vulnerability. It is a frustrating aspect of the human condition.

The good news is that once you are aware of where you are at in the circle, you do have choices. You can remain where you are – even if you are in the red, take a “refueling break by entering the green center, or move on by engaging in blue activities.

Freedom is being fully immersed in every element of your circle of life – on your own terms. It begins with awareness.

Recap

The essence of chronic mental and physical disease is being exposed to sustained levels of threat physiology. Your body is consuming resources for survival, and you cannot heal in this scenario. Healing can only occur when you feel safe enough to replenish your reserves. But a major block to seeking safety is not recognizing your body’s cues that you are in flight or fight. There are many ways of it covering it up, but your body is still in high gear.

You must learn to become aware of your physiological state and choose where and when you want to go or stay . Whatever set of tools you decide to implement begins with awareness. Where in the “circle of life” are you at this minute?

Questions and considerations

1. There is a tendency to look for a definitive cure for pain, which doesn’t make any sense. Your body’s interaction with the world is dynamic and your physiology changes by the millisecond. Life keeps coming at us.
2. When you are in fight or flight, you simply aren’t going to feel good. You are not supposed to, as the sensations evolved by creatures paying attention and taking action to survive. The species who were not aware enough did not survive. So, anxiety is intended to be so unpleasant, we’ll do almost anything to avoid it.
3. That is what makes awareness so challenging. You must feel and acknowledge your threat physiology before you can change directions.
4. Your tools will allow you to process stress more efficiently so as to minimize your time in threat physiology. Healing occurs as you learn how to feel safe.

The post Awareness as a Tool – The “Circle of Life” first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Awareness as a Tool – The “Circle of Life” appeared first on Back in Control.

• A basic trait of human consciousness is to give meaning to everything from objects to experiences.
• These perceptions and concepts are embedded in our brains as concretely as physical objects.
• They are our individual version of reality, and we live our life accordingly.
• By definition, we are unable to be aware of them since they are our frame of reference.
• Understanding the depth of our individuality would allow us to better get along with each other.

Awareness is essential to stimulating healing neuroplastic changes in your brain in that you cannot stimulate your brain to develop in a given direction unless you know where you are starting from. Awareness is both a tool and foundation for moving forward with every aspect of your life. Of the different kinds of awareness, ingrained attitudes and thought patterns are the most problematic. By definition, you cannot see them without actively seeking them out.

Ingrained Patterns – Blind Spots

By definition, we are all programmed/ brainwashed by our past. Every action you take today is determined by your ENTIRE life experience up to this very second. Most living creatures are able to fend for themselves immediately or relatively quickly from birth. Humans are unique in that we have NO capacity to do so, and it takes many years to acquire even basic physical survival skills. Additionally, since we have a unique emotional life based on language, there is another layer of extremely complex learning that occurs throughout a lifetime. Each human being’s inner self has little in common with any other person.

David Eagleman, in his book, Livewired,¹ succinctly points out how the human brain develops by interacting with other humans. If you are raised in a richly stimulating and nurturing environment your view of the world is much different than someone who was raised in a chaotic and threatening household. It is also the reason that childhood trauma has such an effect on your quality of life and health.² A significant part of your brain development happens within the first few years of life.

Your life lens

As you continue to interpret your ongoing reality through this lens, it is reinforced. You’ll embrace confirmatory data and reject what is in conflict with it. The marketing term for this phenomenon is, “reactance”, and is the reason that facts don’t change people’s minds.³ Your life trajectory will be consistent with your outlook. If you have been programmed to constantly be on high alert, your whole body will be on guard even when you are actually safe. The severe consequences of early childhood trauma on your mental and physical health have been well-documented.² However, you also have to understand that even in the best of households, there is still a lot going on. Although you may have a more functional life lens, you still cannot truly see the world through other’s eyes. Of course, there is the ongoing trauma of dealing with life’s inevitable challenges for everyone.

These attitudes and behaviors we develop over a lifetime of exposure to our circumstances are what I call ingrained patterns. What makes all of this more challenging is that our perceptions are embedded in our brains as concretely as of physical sensations and objects, such as a chair or table. I used to say that thoughts are real because they cause neurochemical responses in our bodies. But they are not reality. I was wrong.⁴

Your ego blocks awareness

You cannot see these attitudes and behaviors because they are inherent to your identity or ego. This basic trait of human consciousness may be the greatest obstacle to people getting along. Although we are infinitely unique individuals, we don’t tolerate differences well. It is why we become so attached to our politics, religion, belief systems, etc. It is also the reason that humans treat each other so badly based on labels. One example, amongst an endless list, was how we locked up “communists” during the McCarthy era of the 1950’s and 1960’s. It is why so many minority groups are persecuted, but they also often treat each other badly.

We are hard-wired enough that we don’t recognize or “feel” these patterns; it’s just what we do. It’s behavior that sits under many layers of defenses and has to be “dug out” by each person – if you want to. Our family-influenced habits and actions are much more obvious to our spouses and immediate family than they are to us; we can only get in touch with them through counseling, seminars, psychotherapy, self-reflection, spousal feedback, etc. What you are not aware of can and will control you.

The Polyvagal Theory and autonomic nervous system

In addition to the ingrained patterns controlling your life, your body is constantly automatically picking up cues of threats in your subconscious mind. You don’t have to think about not walking in front of an oncoming car. You just don’t do it. It is similar for the emotional aspect of your nervous system. If a person or conversation reminds you of an unpleasant situation in the past, your autonomic nervous system sends out signals to increase your heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, and level of alertness. This flight or fight response also fires up your immune system and inflammatory response. When this response is sustained, there is a high chance of becoming ill or developing a serious disease.

There is deep research measuring the deleterious effects of chronic stress transmitted throughout your body via the autonomic nervous system. It is the part of your nervous system that automatically monitors your body’s internal functions and continually sends out signals to adapt to the sensory input. One of the pioneers in this field, Dr. Steven Porges, has organized much of this knowledge in his dissertation called The Polyvagal Theory.⁵ There are various methods of measuring the state of your body’s reactivity and also ways of learning to calm it down.

A humbling and enlightening day at Hyde

Hyde is a boarding high school that emphasizes character over academics and includes the whole family in a learning process. I didn’t realize the depth of my own ingrained patterns until one weekend while attending a weekend Hyde parent’s seminar.

My regional West Coast Hyde group had already worked me over about some of my own issues. I wasn’t in a great mood and decided to not contribute much to the group dynamic. As a result, I actually ended up listening. I watched one father trying to be a perfect Hyde seminar parent. He was a great, well-intentioned guy, but these very qualities were clearly blocking him from connecting with his son. I realized how often my idealism had a similar effect.

One of the exercises was to write a final letter to myself about my core values. I decided to open up my mind a little more and asked myself the question, “If I have done so much personal work, why am I still such a workaholic?” During the session, a story kept popping into my head from when I was a first-year orthopedic resident in Honolulu, Hawaii. About three months into my training, I overheard one of the other residents talking about admitting a patient with severe back pain who also had an anxiety disorder. I asked him, “What do you mean by anxiety disorder?” I had no idea what anxiety was; I had to look it up in a textbook.

Eventually, I developed a severe anxiety disorder. As I sat in the Hyde seminar, I couldn’t figure out how I could have gone through college, medical school, two years of internal medicine residency, and not have had a clue about the nature of anxiety. Obviously, I’d encountered many anxiety-provoking situations.

Suddenly a bomb went off in my head. Anxiety was all that I knew. I’d been raised in an abusive household, never knowing when my mother would explode. Fear was the basis for most of my behavior. My energy as a child was spent trying not to set my mother off and/or calming her down. Most of my energy in adulthood was spent in avoiding unpleasant emotions. I dealt with anger by disguising and suppressing it. My anxiety was held at bay by the power of anger and staying distracted, mostly by obsessive work patterns.

Infinite variety

Think how different our world would be if humans understood the infinitely deep depth of differences that define each one of us. Yet somehow, we not only don’t embrace this concept, but we also actively try to change others into what we think we should be. Why? It is anxiety-producing to have your life views challenged.

Consider the atrocities committed throughout history as a consequence of this way of thinking. What if our focus was becoming as aware as possible of other’s views in contrast to ours, consider them, and continually work on finding common ground? World peace would actually be a possibility. It is ironic that we do completely the opposite with unspeakably severe consequences.

Recap

It is, by definition, impossible to recognize your own ingrained patterns without being open to outside input and having the desire to develop self-awareness. Usually, it takes some type of interaction with another person in an individual or group setting. Hyde was one example of a structured interaction that allowed me to realize my deeper patterns. The didactic aspect was critical, but my paradigm shift would not have occurred without the support of the people in that room.

You cannot see yourself the way others see you. You must first decide to learn more about these patterns from outside sources to understand their impact on you and others close to you. Life becomes infinitely more interesting when you choose awareness.

Questions and considerations

1. Consider the number of seconds in your life with each one representing a piece of data that is interpreted by your brain to create meaning for your actions and life.
2. Not only are there an almost infinite number of variables, but the analytical process is also based on your prior experiences. At some tipping point, you transition from being “open and impressionable” to developing beliefs and opinions that bias ongoing input.
3. As you age, your “filter” or “lens” becomes more reinforced, and facts essentially never change people’s opinions. You are asking someone to change the essence of their identity and being.
4. Consider how infinitely different each of us is and focus on trying to see the world through others’ eyes instead of unconsciously defending your own positions.
5. It is anxiety-producing to be completely open and aware instead of hiding behind your ego. However, once you learn to process anxiety by regulating your body’s chemistry, you’ll be free to live life on your terms – and be able to give back to others.

 References

1. Eagleman, David. Pantheon Books, New York, NY, 2020.
2. Fellitti VJ and RF Anda. The Hidden Epidemic: The Impact of Early Life Trauma on Health and Disease; Chapter 8. Cambridge University Press, 2009.
3. Berger J. Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2020.
4. Feldman Barrett, Lisa. How Emotions are Made. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, New York, NY, 2017.
5. Porges, Stephen. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton and Co., New York, NY, 2011.

The post Awareness–Ingrained Patterns/ Your Life Lens first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Awareness–Ingrained Patterns/ Your Life Lens appeared first on Back in Control.

Objectives

• Human consciousness precludes suppressing thoughts and emotions without experiencing physiological consequences.
• You may intellectually understand that being judgmental is unkind, but it is universal and embedded in our existence.
• Judgements of others, positive or negative, are projections of our own self-opinion, much of which is based on cognitive distortions.
• But when you try to become “enlightened” or non-judgmental, you have made the problem worse as thought suppression fires up your nervous system even more.
• Endless judgment (or suppression) becomes tedious.
• Simple awareness of these disruptive thoughts allows you to separate from them and learn to move past them in a powerful way.

The psychological process of projection is an aspect of human conscious where we transfer our personal life outlook onto another person. Whether the projections are positive or negative, it is the same process. We see the world through our ow lens, which has been programmed into us from birth. This mental “filter” is embedded in our brains as concretely as our physical perceptions of our environment.¹ Our ideals and life outlook are our version of reality.

For example, a person who is highly critical of others may feel fearful, agitated, and negatively judge him or herself. Another self-confident and secure person may view the world in a similar positive manner but may not be able to see or understand darker characteristics in others. It sounds better than negative judgment, but he or she may be prone to being taken advantage of.

When we judge people around us—either positively or negatively—we are projecting aspects of ourselves onto them and have lost awareness of the details.

 Desperate

I had my first personal insight into this phenomenon a few years ago, after I emerged from a severe depression and burnout. While I was deep in the Abyss, I experienced an endless barrage of negative self-judgments. With repetition they became my “story,” my identity. My assessments of everyone else was also not great and my personal life fell apart. Of course, I blamed everyone else but me. All I wanted was to have a few positive thoughts about myself—any would do.

A few years after my life turned around, I realized that positive self-judgment was almost as disruptive to my peace of mind as negative self-judgment. My mind was still racing. Like negative thinking, it prevented me from experiencing the present moment. That realization was a major shift for me. After I had worked so hard to be successful and to acquire the things that would allow me to view myself in a more positive light, I realized that any judgment is still judgment. They are two sides of the same coin.

Awareness

Anthony De Mello, in his book, The Way to Love,² points out that as soon as you have labeled anyone—either positively or negatively—you have lost awareness. You can no longer see who he or she is. A comment, appearance, or opinion has triggered a reaction in you, and your response has little to do with who the person is. How well do you know them? What is going on in their life? What reasons do they have for feeling the way they do?

Going back in time a couple of thousand years, the Greek Stoic philosopher (and Roman slave), Epictetus, observed that it is different to call someone a drunk, as opposed to saying, “This is a person who drinks too much.”³ One is a disparaging label while the other is merely a description. Think about your experience about being labeled a “pain patient.” It would be more appropriate for the medical profession to consistently use the phrase, “This is a person who is suffering from chronic pain.”

Joy?

It is impossible to experience joy when you are in a judgmental state of mind. If you really stopped and took stock while you are judging someone, you might eventually notice how tedious and joyless you feel. You are merely endless projecting the same views—yours—onto others.

Yet, judgment is and always has been necessary for our survival in order to assess safety vs. danger. So, judgment is here to stay; you cannot stop judging. What can you do to keep judgment from robbing you of the joy that is your birthright? Become aware. De Mello’s solution is simply to become aware of the effect your judgmental nature is having on your quality of life and relationships. Awareness not only dissolves judgement, it is the only effective option.

Not being judgmental

An exercise that I offered my patients in the office was to think about someone they really disliked. (It usually doesn’t take long.) I said, “Look, you now understand the effects of labeling, and you no longer want to judge this person. What happens when you try to stop being judgmental? They would look at me and quickly realize that this was a form of thought suppression, which makes us even more judgmental.” They were often perplexed.

I pointed out that one of the major benefits of writing down these judgements and immediately destroying them was that they were separating from their thoughts instead of reacting to them. They were being “de-energized.” Although they may have still disliked this person, possibilities could open up for more careful listening and greater understanding of the other’s perspective. Being no longer trapped by your thoughts opens the door for more joy to enter your life. It  is a great feeling to find common ground with someone you historically regarded as an adversary.

I have also occasionally written down in detail what I think about a specific person – positive and negative; and then in the next column note how I feel about myself on these same topics. It’s enlightening and humbling.

Peace??

The great majority of us want peace in this world, but peace is improbable unless each person takes responsibility for his or her contribution to the collective consciousness. Is your consciousness one of peace or war? No matter how justified you feel about your position, anger is still anger and labeling is still labeling. Those behaviors are far more combative than merely liking or disliking a behavior, viewpoint, or person.

Why am I writing about being judgmental? Because ongoing judgments will keep you in a state of agitation. The adverse effects on your body’s chemistry increases your physical and mental pain⁴  with the additional ongoing pain being even more upsetting.

You don’t have a choice about being judgmental and suppression is even worse. You do have a choice of becoming aware and learning strategies to separate from and process it. As you move forward, it builds on itself, and positively affects your close relationships. Becoming aware is the one contribution each of us must offer to the human experience to move it to the next level.

Recap

Judgements of others reflect our internal view of ourselves. It unavoidable, as we must make endless assessments to remain alive. Most judgments are negative and are disruptive to our capacity to enjoy our day. By trying not to be this way worsens the situation in that suppression of thoughts activates your threat physiology even more.

So, what can you do? Just becoming aware of your inherent judgmental nature, will open up your thinking to endless possibilities. Then you can proceed along your healing journey. The definitive answer for chronic pain is embracing joy. Again, you must break loose from your established reactive patterns in order to move forward.

Questions and considerations

1. Self-awareness is challenging because thoughts are suppressed for a reason. Many of them are extremely unpleasant and don’t fit the image of who we want to be. They are there and are playing havoc with your body’s neurochemistry.
2. Suppression is a conscious effort to keep thoughts at bay and repression is an unconscious automatic process. Both require specific stepwise approaches in order to become aware of them and assimilate these unpleasant repetitive thoughts into your daily life.
3. Expressive writing is the one mandatory step to begin the separation process so you can head in the direction you choose. Healing occurs with moving forward, not with “fixing.”
4. Have you considered that positive judgments also block true awareness? They consume a lot of energy that detracts from you just living your life.

References

1. Feldman Barrett, Lisa. How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt Publishing, New York, New York. 2017.
2. DeMello, Anthony. The Way to Love. Bantam, Doubleday, Dell. NY, New York, 1995.
3. Lebell, Sharon. The Art of Living: Epictetus. Harper Collins, NY, New York, 1994.
4. Chen X, et al. Stress enhances muscle nociceptor activity in the rat. Neuroscience (2011); 185: 166–173.

The post Not Being Judgmental–Not Possible first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Not Being Judgmental–Not Possible appeared first on Back in Control.

• Much of our identity or self-esteem revolves around the “stories” we create to make sense out of the world.
• Many if not most of our stories involve judgment and labeling, which are classic cognitive distortions. They are not real although they seem real.
• Once you become aware of both the nature of these stories and the damaging effects on the quality of your life, you will be able to let go and move on.
• Life is much easier and free when you shed them.

Another level of awareness involves judgment and storytelling. We are programmed from birth to be a certain way or not based on the opinions of our parents, siblings, teachers, peers, and society. Each input is processed by your brain to create your version of life and how to best live it. The problem is that we are living out these stories, but we are not necessarily connected to who we actually are. These judgments/ stories tend to be rough and inflexible self- criticisms. The brain will focus on the negative judgments that ramp up our emotions because that is what is supposed to do – be on the lookout for danger. What does all of this have to do with being in pain? It fires up our flight or fight response, is inflammatory, sensitizes our nervous system, and we feel more pain.

These “stories” we have about ourselves that we project onto the world is the way we create our egos or self-image. One term for this process is “self-esteem.” It is a deadly process that is a root cause of many bad behaviors. Humans are focused on not being vulnerable because it threatens survival. We also know that emotional pain is as or more disruptive to your well-being as physical pain. So, we spend a tremendous amount of energy on appearing powerful–both to ourselves and the world.

The problem is that it can’t and doesn’t work. The unconsciousness survival response which is the source for the sensation we call anxiety, is far more powerful than our conscious brain. The personal and societal consequences are severe. Our “identity” is defined by our mental constructs of ourselves, most of which is created by the perceptions and reactions of those close to us. This is even a bigger problem if you were raised in a chaotic or abusive environment. Instead of feeling safe and connected, you are constantly “on alert” and you also have to build your own identity (façade).

What is more convoluted is that your identity becomes dependent on being accepted and validated by others but it is more powerful to withhold approval or even bully someone that you perceive is weaker. This circular power struggle continues throughout life unless you understand and use the tools that will pull you out of this game.

“ANTS”

It  becomes even more complicated when you begin to understand how the human brain works and much, if not most of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) is based on cognitive distortions. Dr. David Burns, in his best-selling book, Feeling Good,¹ categorizes them into ten “errors of thinking.” He uses the term “ANTS” to describe them, which stands for “automatic negative thoughts.” Some of the categories are:

• Labeling
• “Should thinking”
• Minimizing the positive
• Emphasizing the negative – “Not good enough”
• Mind reading
• Catastrophizing

I highly recommend looking at his book to understand them and become aware how much space they occupy in your conscious brain.

For example, imagine someone at work walked by you and didn’t acknowledge you. You might think they’re upset with you about a situation that occurred the day before. The error in thinking in this case would be “mind reading.” You can’t read other people’s minds. It’s possible that the other person had just received some bad news and wasn’t engaging with anyone. But you don’t really know. Making assumptions consumes emotional energy.

Labeling

Then there is the error of labeling. For example, a frequently late spouse becomes “inconsiderate.” A forgetful teenager becomes “irresponsible.” In the act of labeling, especially negative labeling, you’re overlooking the details of a given set of circumstances and also someone’s good qualities. You have limited your capacity to enjoy interacting with them.

Then there are the labels we have for ourselves: you knock something over and call yourself “clumsy.” If a lover breaks up with you, then you’re “unlovable.”  Rehashing these critical self-judgments in our minds turns them into deeply embedded stories. Such stories are much harder to move on from than single judgments. Once a judgment sets into a story, you tend to lose perspective. Over time, faulty thinking becomes your version of reality.

Regardless of what sets these patterns of thinking off, they are a universal part of the human experience called consciousness. My cat doesn’t have this problem. This is true whether chronic pain is involved or not. With chronic pain you have the added frustration of the physical stimulus to keep these circuits really spinning.

Self-Perceived Flaws

To better understand the story concept, consider common situations where the brain focuses on a self-perceived flaw that is not physically painful. It might be your height, weight, the shape of your body, or even an individual body part. Or it might be some particular quality, such as a lack of intelligence, athletic skill, musical talent, etc.

Thinking about these flaws over and over snares you in a destructive cycle of spinning neural circuits. For example, many years ago I had a patient with neck pain who was absolutely convinced that he was “stupid.” His self-labeling wasn’t rational, as he was clearly a bright guy. I don’t know if his view of himself somehow triggered it, but he eventually developed a significant chronic burning sensation around his mouth.

Something similar often happens in the entertainment industry, where performers commonly focus only on their negative reviews. My wife, who is a tap dancer, has seen this in her profession for years. She pointed out to me that a performer might have 99 positive reviews but will fixate on the one that’s negative. It’s a common saying among entertainers that, “You’re only as good as your worst critic.”

ANT’s and Relationships

Another destructive phenomenon is focusing on a spouse or partner’s negative traits. The other person usually has innumerable positive qualities that are forgotten in the face of their “flaw.” Over time the “story” we tell ourselves can become so strong it can break apart an otherwise great relationship. If you realized that you were just projecting your own negative perception of yourself onto him or her, you might think twice about verbalizing your thoughts. You might as well talk into a bullhorn and broadcast, “This is what I think about me.”

What’s curious to me is why the human brain does not become equally fixated on positive traits. Reconsidering Wegner’s “white bears” experiment,² maybe it’s because we don’t suppress positive thoughts. As proven in his experiment, fixation goes hand in hand with suppression.

Let your ego go

You may be unaware how much of your identity is wrapped up in creating and reinforcing these stories about who you are. So, you may spend much of your time in an agitated state and not know why.

But awareness of these stories is what can dissolve them. These perceived thought distortions are just as damaging as real threats, but with awareness, you can separate from them, and then redirect your attention where you choose. You don’t have to “fix” them because they are not real (even though they seem that way). You can train your brain to let go and move past them.

Awareness is the starting point and as these stories about yourself and others drop way, you’ll begin to experience your life at a deeper and more interesting level.

Recap

Self-esteem is a disaster at every conceivable level as it not only separates you from others, but you also can’t even work your way back to finding out who they really are. And what about the effects on you. You are not connected to yourself. It requires a tremendous amount of mental energy to create and maintain your ego, and it just a collective opinion of what the world has programmed you to be.

You can’t fix this issue. It is at the core of human language and consciousness. But by becoming aware of the issues around this situation, they will lose their power, and you’ll be free.

Questions and considerations

1. Please look at one of several books by Dr. David Burns, where he presents these 10 categories of cognitive distortions. You may be surprised to discover how much of your self-esteem is made up from these stories.
2. It is one of the easiest problems to deal with in that since these are truly distortions there is nothing to do except to be aware of them, separate, and move on.
3. Consider how much of your day is consumed by racing thoughts you can’t control. Every minute in this state reinforces unp neurological circuits and you are moving the wrong direction.
4. Healing occurs as you focus your attention on where you want your life to go and what you want it to look like. But you have to first let go before you can move forward.

References

1. Burns, David. Feeling Good. Avon Books, 1999.
2. Wegener DM, et al. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1987); 53: 5-13.

The post Deadly Nature of Self-esteem first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Deadly Nature of Self-esteem appeared first on Back in Control.