I received this message from a person I have never met or communicated with. She had engaged in learning the tools to heal.

The key to healing mental and physical pain happen from learning two separate sets of skills. The first is separating identity from your necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them. The second is shifting your brain onto more enjoyable and functional circuits. You cannot experience play and joy will simultaneously fighting pain.

You also cannot heal your body, including your brain. It already knows how to heal, and the healing stories are nothing short of miraculous. But life itself is a miracle. Our conscious brain gets in the way and blocks healing. You only must believe your body can heal, let go, and allow it to occur. Her email is typical of what happens, and the healing is deep and transformative.

Not fixing yourself

One of the most difficult challenges is letting go of trying to fix yourself to rid yourself of the mental and physical pain. Why wouldn’t you? You are trapped in miserable place without an apparent way out. It is bad enough enduring the pain, but when you get angry about it, you have now doubled down, and your brain is really on fire. Dr. John Sarno, a famous physiatrist and author used the term “rage”.¹

Good Studio/AdobeStock

However, trying to solve the pain places your attention on it and reinforces it. But when you try not to think about your pain or distract yourself, the thought suppression inflames your brain even more. Either way, you are trapped. Specifically considering self-esteem, which is an endless set of judgments, trying not to be judgmental is impossible. Positive thinking is another form of suppression. Even reading self-help books is another way of staying focused on the problem. Even with my books, there is a tipping point where I recommend people stop reading them and focus on practicing and implementing the tools they have learned.

“Phantom Brain Pain”

There is the additional problem of thinking that something is being missed, and these thoughts become independent sets of circuits. They really are not responsive to reason, and the ongoing pursuit of reassurance only reinforces them. Along with all RUTs (repetitive unpleasant thoughts), I call this phenomenon, “phantom brain pain.” In my mind, the same issues are in play as phantom limb pain, where the suffering is intense, and you cannot even touch the absent limb to calm yourself. How can this happen. The known “source” of pain is completely gone, and the patient still feels the limb and the pain. So, where does this pain exist?

The key to healing lies in separating from your racing necessary survival circuits, developing a “working relationship with them, and dynamically shifting your brain into more enjoyable and functional circuits – and letting go. You cannot experience play and joy while simultaneously fighting pain.

“I give up”

I vividly recall feeling like I was in the midst of a major battle with unpleasant thoughts. The mental pain was a much bigger problem than my physical symptoms. I was never bothered during surgery with them in that I was so focused on what I was doing. For a long time, I was also fine in clinic while I was connecting with my patients. Towards the end of my ordeal, even being at work did not help, and I was pummelled every two or three minutes with ever-increasing intense, intrusive, and vivid thoughts. Meanwhile, I was trying everything possible to deal with them, including working with a psychiatrist. Nothing helped and in fact, it all seemed make things worse. It was around this period where I came close to committing suicide.

One evening, I had read yet another self-help book and I had a flash of a vision that I was standing in front of a repeating circus mirror. I can still see it. It was about six feet high, and it was in a tent. I was looking at endless images of myself. At that time, I was doing what felt like hand-to-hand combat with my thoughts. I would have a disturbing thought, and then counter it with a “good” thought. I was wearing down quickly. I could see that there was no rational solution to these RUTs. I said to myself, “I can’t do this anymore and I quit.” I felt my identity was stripped down to nothing and felt there was little left of what I thought was me.

I honestly gave up and was not sure what I was going to do next. Instead of feeling despondent, I felt a strange sense of freedom, and it turned out that “giving up” the fight was the right answer. It was after that moment, things began to change for the better. I had much to learn, but at least I had inadvertently created some “space” in my brain to allow healing to begin.

Hope

This is a link to a collection of patients’ success stories that I call, “Stories of Hope.” Essentially everyone who is trapped in the Abyss of chronic pain is in a very dark place. Knowing you are not alone is important.

ipopba.AdobeStock

It is impossible to let go of “fixing” without the tools to accomplish it and also learning how to feel safe. You can’t force it and as per her email, you just have to keep moving forward, and it will happen when you are ready. I also wish for you that it happens sooner than later, but persistence is the key. You will learn to regulate your stress physiology and become much better at nurturing joy and creativity. Your behaviors become automatic, your skills will increase and improve, and you can let go and live your life.

References

1. Sarno, John. Mind Over Back Pain. Warner Books, New York, NY.

The post How healing happens first appeared on Back in Control.

The post How healing happens appeared first on Back in Control.

• Anxiety is an unpleasant sensation generated by your body’s physiological response to real or perceived danger.
• It compels you to take action to resolve the threat and live another day.
• If you cannot escape or solve the threat, your body’s stress response intensifies and you become angry.
• Anger is irrational, powerful, destructive, and not subject to control. 5–3–2 is an approach to minimize the damage.

“Genealogy” of Anger

The perception of threat of any kind creates a neurochemical inflammatory stress reaction that is experienced as anxiety.

The sensation of anxiety creates a compelling need to resolve the threat.

When you are trapped (loss control), your body increases the stress response in an effort to regain control.

You are now angry (hyperactivated threat reaction).

Anger = turbocharged anxiety.

Neither anxiety nor anger is subject to being controlled. They are powerful automatic reactions. Your choice is how you react to them.

5–3–2: A sequence that allows your brain to be back online

The biggest problem with anger is that, since it is your last-ditch effort to survive, your brain activity shifts from the neocortex (rational thinking area) to your midbrain (reflex survival center). When you are angry, you have lost awareness of others’ needs, it is all about you, and it’s destructive by design. It’s physiologically impossible to think clearly and while you are in this state; you must just stop—somehow. Taking any action while you are angry rarely improves your life or relationships and is usually damaging.

Here is a sequence of steps you can use to minimize its impact. 5-3-2 is the number of words in each step.

• No action in a reaction
• Flip the switch
• Move on

5—No action in a reaction. First, recognize that you are upset. There are many ways anger is disguised. Then you must acknowledge that any action, physical or verbal, is not going to be helpful in the long run. It may feel like you are thinking clearly, but you have to intellectually understand that you cannot. Your brain really is offline. Finally, don’t take any action while you are upset. Say nothing. Leave the room. Take a walk. The anger may lessen quickly or last for a while. Much of it depends how skilled you are at processing anger, and everyone is different.

3—Flip the switch. Anger is so powerful that you will never be able to give it up nor will you want to. Flipping the switch means that you let your anger drop enough that you are able to think more rationally. Then you make a decisive choice to come out of the victim mode. However, it is important not to flip the switch until you think you can actually do it. You may drop right back into anger, and you just keep making the choice to change direction.

2—Move on. Once you have returned to a rational state of mind, you’ll be able to address the upsetting situation more clearly and constructively. What is interesting is that often what seemed so important and intense just disappears. Since anger is a trigger within you, and the situation or a person is what set it off, the “problem” often ceases to exist. It is critical to keep moving forward into the life that you want or the solution you desire. If you spend your time trying to keep solving what makes you upset, the list is endless, it isn’t that enjoyable, and you’ll drag yourself back into The Abyss.

There are many facets to anger and ways to process it to minimize its impact on your life. This little 5-3-2 strategy will get you started, and you’ll find it useful many times a day. Don’t let anger run your life—starting today.

Recap

Anger is destructive and it is supposed to be. It is a last-ditch survival mechanism will compel you to do whatever it takes to physically and mentally survive. It is a physiological state and the additional problem is that the activity in your brain shifts from the neocortex (thinking center) to your limbic region (survival region). It is not possible to think clearly or creatively. So, the first step is recognising that you are angry (there are many disguises) and understand any actions, physically or verbally, are going to inflict damage. This a simple decision because you won’t benevolent in this state.

Second, after you have allowed yourself to calm down, then “flip the switch.” This is also another simple and definitive decision because anger is addictive and irrational. You will never want to give it up. You make a decision, “I am not going to remain in a victim mode.” Why do you want to give up your peace of mind to someone you dislike or a situation that is intolerable. You may have to do this multiple times a day as there is no end to life’s challenges.

Finally, just move on. Get on with your day. Take a break. Pursue your projects. As you spend more time engaging in activities you enjoy, your brain will evolve in that direction. It is remarkable how effective the “5-3-2” strategy works.

Questions and considerations

1. One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with anger is recognising it. Maybe it has become normalised. There are many disguises and it is important to recognise them.
2. You must allow yourself to deeply feel your anger while at the same time, not acting on it. Suppressing it creates even more havoc.
3. Have you considered how much time you spend being angry? If you think you are rarely angry, think again. It is basic to your survival and there is no getting rid of it.
4. Taking no action in reaction is difficult and requires discipline and repetition. It is a powerful and overwhelming emotion.
5. If you can learn and use this sequence, you will quickly notice an improvement in your relationships. Think about how you feel when you are around someone who is upset. Think how you might appear to others when you are angry. Anger is not attractive.

The post “5–3–2” – Processing Anger in Three Steps first appeared on Back in Control.

The post “5–3–2” – Processing Anger in Three Steps appeared first on Back in Control.

• All of us are “wronged” every day and often multiple times. The wrongs may be real or perceived.
• Your choice centers around how you want to process them.
• Do you hold on to it them or let go and move on?
• You always have this choice. One problem is that the more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let it go.
• Recognizing the nature of a “grievance story” is the first step.

I have held three and five-day workshops at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY with Dr. Fred Luskin, a Stanford psychologist and author of Forgive for Good,¹ my wife, Babs Yohai, a professional tap dancer, and my stepdaughter, Jasmine, who is an expressive arts practitioner. The tightly-structured seminar is based on awareness, hope, forgiveness, and play. Most people experienced major shifts in their pain and mood during the week and continue to improve following their attendance.

There were three ground rules: 1) you could not complain about your pain or let the other participants know where you were hurting 2) medical care could not be discussed 3) no complaining – period. Most participants were initially thrown off by not being able to discuss their pain, but quickly realized how important it was in contributing to his or her healing. What I had not realized prior to conducting these workshops is how much people complain – not only about their pain, but also about life in general. How can you enjoy your life when you are continually upset?

Your Grievance Story

One of the first concepts that Dr. Luskin presents in his book, Forgive for Good,¹ is that if you tell the same story of woe more than three times to others where you are the victim, you have a “grievance story.” He points out that this person or situation is “renting too much space in your mind.”

Directing your attention

Your nervous system will rewire and mature in whatever direction you place your attention. How much time do you spend thinking (obsessing) about your pain? How aware are you of other’s needs? What percent of your conversations are spent discussing some aspect of your suffering? Do you really enjoy discussing your pain? Don’t you become tired of it? Are you driving friends and family away?

BTW, talking to your dog or cat is OK. It is a variation of expressive writing, and they listen.

Recognizing your grievance stories

Grievance stories are common and every day, life does not go exactly as you planned. It becomes easy to look at “patterns” and feel that this person always does this to you, or your employment situation is adverse. The home is also a great source of grievance stories. Dr. Luskin defines a grievance story as being you telling the same story of being wronged to three different people. It is a simple yet sobering definition because we are upset, it feels good to vent and feel supported. Maybe once is fine, but how long do you want to remain a victim of circumstances? The only person who will continue to suffer is you. If you apply this simple concept to your life and conversations, you might be shocked at how many of these stories you have and how often you share them.

Bringing grievances home

People commonly bring their complaints about work or the day home. They somehow feel it is important to share and “download” the problems. Even if you are not upset at your family member or others in the house, it brings in an unpleasant energy and upsets your home. Home is a place to rest and regenerate and complaining about the day doesn’t create peace. Through the mirror neurons effect of the brain, you’ll directly fire up similar areas in other peoples’ brains. We all know that just being around someone who is frustrated is not great.

Frequently, the scenarios at work or with your disability situation are not solvable, the grievances may be legitimate (they usually are), and you’ll continue to remain upset and disrupt your family. All parties eventually get worn down. Whatever your issue is, you own it. It is not others’ responsibility to solve it or even make you feel  better. So, what is the end point? It is you. You have a choice of how you relate to your troubles. You don’t have be happy about what is happening, but it is important to stop complaining. Recognizing your grievance stories is the first step. They are not only “renting too much space” in your mind, but they have also moved into your house.

Georgia

One of the most dramatic turnarounds I have witnessed was a patient who came to me to treat her scoliosis. Her curve was about 60 degrees and she was suffering from chronic back pain. There is little evidence linking scoliosis to chronic pain. Since her spine was still balanced, I was not inclined to consider a surgical procedure. It would have involved at least 8 hours of surgery with a complication rate of over 50%. She had been wheelchair-bound for about 10 years and was taking a lot of narcotics. I told her that I would consider surgery only if she engaged in the rehab process as outlined in my book. I asked one of my colleagues to help out with her healing process. Within a couple of months, we realized that she was not taking any responsibility for her condition and was unwilling to put forth any significant effort. We decided to discharge her from our care, as we clearly were not being helpful.

About a year later, she re-appeared on my schedule. I have to confess – I was dreading walking into the room, since I had already given her so many admonitions to engage. I opened the door and she was standing there without any support, was off all of her narcotics, and did not have any pain. She was working out in the gym and getting back to re-engaging with her friends. I was stunned.

Of course, I was more than a little curious about what had happened. She admitted that she had been sitting in her house for years,  obsessing about everything that had gone wrong in her life. Essentially, all of her conversations were focused on her problems that were created by her pain. She had been in a couple of car accidents and had gone through a bitter divorce. She resonated with the forgiveness section of the DOC project, and quit talking about her miseries. She decided to let go and move on. Within six weeks the pain began to abate, and by four months it was gone. And even though I saw her at a later date in the hospital (she had a fall), Georgia was still living the life she had always wanted to live and radiated energy and joy.

Recap – Stop it

Stop discussing your pain, medical care, or even any of your troubles with the world – NOW. There are no shortcuts. You are not going to move forward while hanging on to your grievances. Every day is an opportunity to begin anew. Behavioral patterns are so deep that changing your conversation to enjoyable topics may be difficult. It will initially be challenging, but you will be surprised at the effectiveness of this simple strategy. Can’t do it? Really? It’s time to ask yourself – how badly do you want to heal? It is surprising at the number of people who unconsciously hold onto the power of their suffering.

Questions and considerations

1. Make a list of stories of woe that you often share with others and then focus on three that seem the most important. Then just stop talking about them. Eventually you’ll be less inclined to discuss them.
2. A major aspect of healing is nurturing joy. Consider how often you are doing this compared to the amount of time spent complaining.
3. Ask people who are close to you about how much time you spend sharing your problems and how they feel about it. What are some of the themes? You may not like the answers, but you’ll understand the importance of changing your patterns.
4. Consider how you feel when one of your close friends or family is constantly complaining? How do you think you appear to others when you are in this mode.
5. Are you being the person you would like to hang out with?

References

1. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2002.

The post Grievance Stories first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Grievance Stories appeared first on Back in Control.

• Many of us become upset about the state of the world, which is definitely worrisome and disturbing. However, you have no control, your nervous system is fired up, and there is not an endpoint.
• We all have plenty of problems that we have to deal with without adding on ones that are irrelevant to our day-to-day life.
• Other tools that lower your stress response will be less effective if you continue to remain agitated about scenarios outside your sphere of influence.
• Learning to let go and focus on what you can change will free up energy and creativity to live a more enjoyable life. As you move towards this life, your pain circuits will atrophy from disuse.
• Creating and shifting onto more pleasurable neurological circuits allows you to heal. This process is at the core of The DOC Journey.
• “Choose your battles.” There are plenty of choices.

We know that the most stressful situations are those that are beyond our control, and it is also stressful trying to avoid stress. It is much more productive to learn to skillfully process it in a manner that has less of an impact on your nervous system and makeup of your body’s physiology. However, there are stresses that we unnecessarily create for ourselves. One common way is to not recognize our “errors in thinking” called “cognitive distortions. The other is mentally getting and remaining upset about situations that we have absolutely no control over. But think about it. We have enough to legitimate worries already. Why do we do this?

Anger is a powerful force and intended to keep you safe. It is a basic reaction and necessary to stay alive. Every living creature exhibits some version of it. Humans are different only in they uniquely possess language and a consciousness. We have to navigate a whole different level of mental threats that are not present in the animal kingdom. They are deadly in that neuroscience has demonstrated the unpleasant thoughts and emotions are processed by your body in a similar manner as physical threats, but you cannot escape from them. So, there is a baseline level of threat that is present for every human being that can become disruptive for many people – maybe most of us.

The essence of humanity – vulnerability

We don’t want to give up our anger because we’ll feel vulnerable, and there are few, if any rewards, in nature for being that way. You won’t survive. What is perverse about the human condition is that the best part of it is having enjoyable relationships with others, which requires awareness and vulnerability. But you cannot give up anger until you can allow yourself to tolerate uncertainty.

There are many ways of holding onto anger, with one of the more common ones being that of taking on the world’s suffering. You can remain angry indefinitely because there is little you can do about most of it. You can only make a difference in your own sphere of influence. Continuing to be upset about circumstances beyond your control, not only drains your energy, but if sustained, translates into unfavorable body chemistry with a much higher chance of developing a serious illness or disease.

Taking on the world’s suffering

There are plenty legitimate reasons to be upset or even enraged in this era of COVID, partisan politics, racism, homelessness, class inequities, elder and child abuse, human trafficking, terrorism, religious/ political persecution, and the list is endless. Which ones are you the most upset about? I have my top five.

Here is a letter from an old high school buddy of mine that reflects the problem. He is suffering from ongoing disabling back and leg pain.

“…… violence in nature is difficult for me, but human cruelty to others is incredibly upsetting. I have been this way since childhood. I am very sensitive, and I almost do not feel at home on this planet. I feel wired and tired at the same time.”

Meaning in the midst of suffering

I suggested that he read two books. One was Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.¹ He was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the WWII concentration camps and found meaning and purpose in the midst of extreme suffering – even his own.  He made  a choice to thrive regardless of the incredible misery he was immersed in. Few people could accomplish what he did, but he did show us what was possible. There is always a choice regarding how we deal with our daily adversities and the cruelty of the world. Of note, many camp survivors understandably did not do well after the ordeal because of severe PTSD, while he went on to a brilliant career and was a prolific author.

The other book was The Swerve by Stephen Greenblatt² that tells the story of the discovery of an ancient Greek manuscript that contained the poem, The Nature of Things written by Lucretius. This finding was a factor in ushering humanity out of the dark ages. This book takes you into the lives of people living in the 1400’s – the Dark Ages. The extent of cruelty is indescribable and most of the population was controlled by fear and terror. We are fortunate to live in an era that has some level of freedom, although this is unfortunately still not true for many people. However, this reality was the norm for most people for thousands of years. Somehow, Lucretius, in the midst of the darkness of living in ancient times pointed out that all each person can and should do is to live a full, rich and meaningful life.

No one is asking you to be happy about the extreme suffering experienced by many at the hands of others. You don’t have to accept it. However, it is important to focus on whatever you can within your power to make the world a better place. Mentally taking on the totality of the misery of the world and remaining upset is common way of remaining in the victim role. Your life energy is diminished and the net result is that you are not able to be a source of light to those close to you.

Conserve your energy

A Heron

Heron stands in the blue estuary

Solitary, white, unmoving for hours

A fish! Quick avian darting

The prey captured

– 365 Tao³

This is a powerful metaphor for us in that we are responsible for only what is in front of us and within our control. Conserving your energy allows you to act decisively and quickly when it is required to do so. Remaining agitated drains you and is not helpful.

These books drove home that the history of the human race is largely extreme suffering, and we are the lucky to be alive in this modern era in spite of the ongoing challenges. I easily can get stuck on what is wrong and contribute to the world’s collective suffering, or I can step up, learn to enjoy my life, and be a conduit for happiness. This is a choice to be made multiple times every day.

Recap

The essence of healing is using tools and approaches to minimize your exposure to threat physiology. Your chemical state is partially determined by the nature of your input. If you are agitated for any perceived or legitimate reason, your body chemistry will be altered.

Choosing to remain angry about situations that are beyond your control is a sure way to remain upset. It creates a negative baseline perception of life, and makes it more difficult to find enjoyment, which is a physiological state of safety and is the essence of healing.

Letting go of situations that you have no control over frees up a tremendous amount of energy to live a more fulfilled and pleasurable life. You are then able to contribute to the well-being of those close to you. “Letting go” is a learned skill and requires a sequence of steps to acquire it.

This post presents a common way of being and remaining a victim. You may not yet see how this term even applies to you. But it is universal, and anger is an essential  of remaining alive. It is just that you want your anger to be situation specific, appropriate, and time limited. The first step in moving forward is always being aware of where you are.

Questions and considerations

1. The human existence has always been difficult, with one of the most disturbing aspects of it being how badly we treat each other. There is nothing you can do about this situation.
2. There is an endless list of wrongs and injustices to be upset about. Make a list of your top five. It is OK to be upset, but it is not helpful to remain in an agitated state about them. You are not helping you, your pain, or your family. It is a classic way of remaining in a victim role – indefinitely.
3. Remaining agitated, regardless of the reason, will drain your energy, and make it less likely that you will take action to contribute to helping others.
4. If your main contribution is creating a haven of safety and joy within your own home, that is more than enough.

References

1. Frankl V. Man’s Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press, 1959.
2. Greenblatt, Stephen. The Swerve: How the World Became Modern. W. Norton Co. New York, 2011.
3. Deng Ming Dao. 365 Tao: Daily Meditations. p. 14. HarperCollins, San Francisco, CA, 1992.

The post Don’t Take on the World’s Suffering first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Don’t Take on the World’s Suffering appeared first on Back in Control.

• Anger is a hard wired automatic survival reaction, and it is impossible to get rid of, conquer, or transform it into a more constructive experience.
• We are not programmed to be vulnerable, so we don’t have a good reason to give up anger, nor will we ever want to. Anger is protective but also damages human relationships.
• Understanding the various obstacles to dealing with anger effectively is an important step in learning how to process it.
• Many, if not most people, do not want to give up their anger (pain). There are reasons why.

The unwillingness to process anger, let go, and move on is the greatest obstacle to healing. And without learning to let go and move on towards what you want, it is impossible to heal from mental or physical pain. Nonetheless, even hearing compelling stories of healing, a high percent of people simply had no interest in pursuing a healing process. The excuses were endless, but it boiled down to not being able to let go.

I spent at least five years trying to convince people to pursue these concepts, and the harder I tried, the more resistance I ran into. To be clear, I never found a way to engage them, and I finally realized that it was important for me to conserve my energy for those who were open to learning and change. So, the first point I want to make is that I am wide open to suggestions regarding ways of presenting these ideas in a manner that reaches more people. I am a bit discouraged, but not giving up.

That being said, I have learned a lot about the reasons why people won’t give up their anger, and they are definitely unique to a given person.

Obstacles to addressing anger

The main reason preventing people from letting go, is that anxiety and anger are hard wired into our brains. They are both words that describe your sensations generated being in flight (anxiety), or fight (anger). Under any perception of real or imagined threat, there is an instant reaction that compels you to take action to ensure survival. You cannot reason with or do battle with these circuits. As my friend, Dr. Bruce Lipton, points out, “There is nobody home.” You might as well lift up the hood to your car and talk to the engine. They are necessary for survival and are necessary gifts.

Second, when you are anxious and especially upset, your body is full of inflammatory proteins call cytokines. These small proteins are the ways that cells locally communicate with each other. At a certain threat threshold, they signal anger (fight or flight) and cause the blood supply to shift from the thinking centers of the brain (neocortex) to the lower survival regions of the brain. You physically can’t think straight. So, a significant aspect of chronic disease is that the inflammatory nature of it blocks the ability to treat it. Some patients report a sense of “brain fog.” It is not a psychological term. It is your brain “on fire.”

Then if your anger/ anxiety is sustained, the inflammation and elevated metabolism (rate of fuel burn) physically robs your brain of fuel and destroys neurons. You have heard me mention multiple times, that chronic pain causes physical shrinkage of your brain. Fortunately, it will regenerate through the healing process.¹ How can you learn how to understand a new treatment approach if you can’t think clearly?

Fourth, racing thoughts become permanently etched into your brain and become obsessive though patterns. They realty are not responsive to rational interventions. One metaphor is that of dust devils that are small mini-tornados that are common in the open prairie. Your brain has trillions of them, so even if the smallest percent become powerful, that is a problem. It also universal and a trait of possessing consciousness and language. My term for it is “phantom brain pain” because it is a similar process as phantom limb pain. It can occur in any part of the body, including your mind.

But a major issue with letting go of anger is that it protects you from being or feeling vulnerable. There is no reward in nature with any species, including humans, for being vulnerable. You are dead. Remember, the main responsibility of your hard wired unconscious brain is to keep you alive, not to provide you a good time. The problem for humans is that being vulnerable is at the core of successful relationships.² It is a huge dilemma.

Finally, anger is addicting. Why would we not want to hold onto it? It is powerful or at least feels powerful. A basic human drive is to feel safe. Anger does give you more power and control, and you feel safer (even though it may not be true).

The rewards of anger – and winning

There is even a physiological reward for power. It has been shown that people who are bullied have higher inflammatory markers than students who were not harassed.³ What is more disturbing is that the bullies have lower levels of inflammation. A 50-year study in Britain showed that about 40% of adults were bullied while in middle school and high school. The long-term consequences were brutal.⁴

What we are calling, “socialization” is really a huge power struggle. You would think we would behave better as adults, but the behaviors frequently carry over. For example, there is a phenomenon called “mobbing” where co-workers will gang up on a given worker.

You may not want to hear this, but people in pain are often “bullies.” They can make endless demands on the family and caregivers. They may not be that nice about it. Instead of being sources of peace and love, they are emanating a negative energy that creates chaos. They may not be enjoying it but also don’t know how to give it up. It is a vicious cycle.

Additional barriers

Other obstacles to letting go include:

• You may not recognize that you are angry. It is your baseline state.
• The more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let it go.
• If you are socially isolated, it is challenging to keep up and hone your interpersonal skills, especially when you are in pain.
• Not understanding the nature of letting go. It is a powerful move of taking your life back, not one of weakness.

 Recap

The one factor that predicts healing is willingness to learn the tools to calm and reroute your nervous system. Why would not everyone want to do this? A high percent of people have no interest even in spite of ongoing misery and endlessly seeking medical care.

This lesson presents some of the reasons why this is such a problem, but the essence of it is that the disease itself is what blocks treatment. Anger is the sensation created by a fired up nervous system, increased rate of fuel consumption, and inflammation. The inflammatory markers (cytokines) create a shift in the blood supply from the neocortex of brain (thinking centers) to the lower parts of the brain (survival regions). So, we can’t think clearly enough even to begin to engage. Chronic pain is especially problematic, in that the amount of anger generated by being trapped in pain is unspeakable. That is why a famous rehab physician, Dr. John Sarno, called it “rage.”⁵ My term is being in “The Abyss.” It is a very dark spot and sometimes it is so hard to see any light that nothing happens.

Questions and considerations

1. Several or none of these barriers to letting go of your anger may be relevant to your situation. If they do not and you are not willing to learn ways to let go and heal, then what are your own obstacles.
2. If you have come this far in the course, that is a huge accomplishment. If these ideas did apply to you, you have surmounted them enough to engage.
3. For some people, positive changes can occur quickly, and they are not prepared to deal with the speed of change. Generally, they will pull back but eventually re-engage. Pulling back happens for the same reasons that originally blocked learning. Understanding your personal blocks allows you to work back around them quickly.
4. Do you really want to let go of your anger? The answer is, “no” for all of us. But you may want to have a better life.

References

1. Seminowicz DA, et al. Effective Treatment of Chronic Low Back Pain in Humans Reverses Abnormal Brain Anatomy and Function. The Journal of Neurosci­ence (2011); 31: 7540-7550.
2. De Mello, Anthony. The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony De Mello. Doubleday, New York, 1992.
3. Copeland W, et al. Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood. PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
4. Takizawa R, et al. Adult health outcomes of childhood bullying victimization: Evidence from a five-decade longitudinal British birth cohort. Am J Psychiatry (2014); 171:777-784.
5. Sarno, John. Mind Over Back Pain. Berkeley, New York, 1999.

The post Blocks to Letting Go of Anger first appeared on Back in Control.

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• Perfectionism is felt by many of us to be a virtue. It is reflected in terms of,
  “high standards,” “excellent quality,” and “strong work ethic.”
• It is actually a disguised version of anger directed at yourself. These ideas actually become translated our minds as, “not good enough,” “imposter syndrome,” and “why do I always do this?”
• Holding yourself up to impossible standards is a way of remaining in a victim role indefinitely.
• These “standards” also translate into judgments of others as you project your views of yourself onto them.
• The most disturbing aspect of this issue is that all of this arises from the unconscious brain, are hardwired circuits beginning from birth, you have no control over them, and are unresponsive to the conscious brain.
• They have to dealt with by reprogramming the unconscious brain.

Perfectionism may be the most common, almost universal disguise of anger. I had been raised with the idea that it was a virtue, and this perception was dramatically reinforced during my medical training. It was at the core of my burnout and journey into The Abyss of pain and I had no idea it was problem until well after I had crashed and burned.

Perfectionism fits into the anger cascade in the following manner.

• A given situation, person, or you, are less than your concept of ideal.
• You blame one of the above for being “less than perfect.”
• You are now a victim of “less than perfect”
• You will perpetually exist in some state of conscious or unconscious agitation.

David Burns in his book, Ten Days to Self Esteem,¹ points out that the gap between your concept of perfect and your reality is the degree of your unhappiness. Perfection does not exist in the human experience. Since perfection is unattainable, why do so many of us continue to embrace it? I will offer a couple of observations from the perspective of an extreme perfectionist.

Why do we keep holding on to “perfect?

First of all, we are programmed to “be all that we can be.” We are also taught that “pushing yourself” is the best way to accomplish this goal – except that pushing often evolves into punishing in the form of self-criticism without limits. Since this strategy often achieves impressive short and medium-term results, it seems like a reasonable pathway. It’s not. Using the medical profession as an example, the burnout rate amongst physicians is over 50% in every state in the US and has risen between 5-10% in the last five years. The burnout rate in neurosurgeons, in one study, demonstrated that it was over 65%.² The same driving energy that pushes you up the hill takes you down the other side. Striving for perfection becomes a deeply-established programmed pattern of thinking and behavior.

A second reason is that the victim role is so powerful that humans will do almost anything to create and hang onto it. Since perfect is unattainable, you are able to remain a victim of imperfection indefinitely. It is self-flagellation. The DOC Journey is about letting go, allowing yourself to repeatedly “fail,” and continuing to move on. Perfect does not allow for failure. BTW, much of your capacity to create a wonderful life is dependent on your ability to deal with adversity successfully and efficiently. Your body will spend less time being exposed to threat physiology. Also consider, “what is failure?”

Third, your self-critical voice is part of the powerful unconscious brain that is not subject to conscious interventions. There is a phenomenon called “the ironic effect” that sabotages your best intentions. When you try to focus on noble ideals and concepts, your brain focuses on ways that you might not attain them. In other words, the more you try to think about something positive, the less you will think about it. You’ll develop anxiety from the futility your efforts. We tend to take these voices personally and we should not. They are your brains automatic programmed patterns. We can “talk” to them as much as we want but there is no one there. It is tragic that we try to quiet these voices that are just repetitive circuits. The more of well-intentioned person you are, the louder they are.

Perfectionism is rampant

85% of people in chronic pain have not forgiven the person, employer, other driver, etc. who caused their pain. Interestingly, the person they are the most upset at is themselves.³ If your intention is to live a life filled with peace and joy, how can you accomplish it by holding onto resentment, especially if it is directed at yourself.

Starting a new life

I was talking to a friend of mine who had recently lost his wife. He was a high-level professional and trying to meet someone to start a new life. Invariably, his internal dialogue was “inadequate,” “boring conversationalist, narrow interests, unattractive, and the list went on. Then it came out that he placed these same labels on his dates. What he wasn’t aware of is that your mind projects onto other people and situations the way we feel about ourselves. The term for this behavior is projection. So, when you are in a judgmental mode and expressing it to others, you are revealing to the world the way you feel about yourself. This is particularly true when you are upset (in pain).

Hard on his family

I was talking to one my colleagues who had experienced a lot of success using the approaches in The DOC Journey with a marked decrease in his anxiety and stomach pains. He found the expressive writing and relaxation tools the most helpful. He had also read Dr. Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good.⁴

He had returned from vacation and stopped the expressive writing since he felt so good and relaxed. The day he walked back on the job his symptoms returned. It came out in further conversation that he is extremely hard on himself. He was an ex-baseball player who almost went pro. I asked him if he was critical of his kids. He admitted that he was. I pointed out that he was not going to be any easier on them that he was on himself and that in the big picture he was not being that nice to either. What he held up as “high standards” was really intense perfectionism. Was this really the world he wanted to create for himself and his family? It is antithesis of creating a haven of safety. Dr. Luskin is clear that forgiveness has to begin with forgiving and accepting yourself? We all sort of know this, but down deep we don’t pull it off very well.

Letting go

So what is the solution? These are not pathways that you can intellectually solve. They are mindless endless loops. Your body is also chemically reacting to these thoughts and creating n. Suppressing them makes the situation even worse. The key is to become aware of the depth and nature of your critical self-talk and create some “space” between you and these circuits. Writing down your thoughts down an awareness of them and also creates this needed space. Then you can use your conscious mind to redirect your attention to more pleasant choices. Just understanding the magnitude of the impact that perfectionism is having on the quality of your life also helps.

Finally, decide to be happy. You have to use repetition to reprogram the unconscious. This is different than positive thinking, which is a form of suppressing. It entails creating a positive vision. You cannot get to happy while remaining perpetually judgmental. Then choose to program your brain with positive alternatives and solutions. Paradoxically, you will possess an endless amount more energy to achieve your goals.

I hold a Q&A session a couple of times per week. Perhaps the most common topic that keeps coming up is “not feeling good enough” and self-criticism. I joke that we could call our roundtable, “The perfectionist’s club,” except it is not funny and actually is tragic. The accomplishments of this group are remarkable, yet there is a limited capacity to enjoy their successes. Perfectionism is what was the essence of my personal demise.

Recap

Creating a vision of excellence is much different than having “high standards.” You understand and accept where you are along with your resources. Then you create a plan to pursue your vision of what you want your life to look like. This involves filling your brain with positive solutions as well as accepting and processing  the inevitable failures. This is a different journey from wasting your energy flagellating yourself for your inadequacies and failures. If you are not willing to fail, then don’t attempt the journey. Paradoxically, you will have an endless amount of additional energy to achieve your goals. Happiness is only possible while pursuing a vision of excellence.

References

1. Burns, David. Ten Days to Self Esteem. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1993.
2. Kurapati, Rajeev. Burnout in Healthcare. Sajjana Publishing, 2019.
3. Carson JW, et al. Conflict about expressing emotions and chronic low back pain: Associations with pain and anger. The Journal of Pain (2007); 8:405-411.
4. Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 2003.

The post The Ultimate Victim Role – Perfectionism first appeared on Back in Control.

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One is that going back into The Abyss is inevitable and part of life. The key is to learn to use the tools more skillfully to come back out of it. The second point is that none of us really have the luxury of remaining angry without significant mental or physical consequences. Your body’s physiology is on overdrive and people get sick.

I was aware of this possibility when he first began to deal with the situation with his neighbor. I even warned him about it. Even though he intellectually knew anger was a problem, it is a powerful force that pulled him in. He not only became ill, but seriously so. None of us have the luxury of remaining angry without paying a price. Interestingly, effectively processing anger ALWAYS is the gateway to true healing and that is also part of this story.

Tom’s latest encounter with anger

I lived more than 22 years in debilitating chronic pain. I lost my business and seriously damaged many relationships. Having had 28 surgeries including 7 spinal operations, my medical history includes 3 heart attacks, opioid addiction, and a suicide attempt. I was trapped in the hell of the abyss for a third of my life. Since discovering Dr. Hanscom’s book “Back in Control” several years ago I have been free from chronic pain. Now at age 67, I have survived and am thriving.

This past winter I became very stressed and angry at my neighbor lasting a few months. He notified me  that he planned to cut down the cedar trees surrounding my front yard sanctuary, I was furious. My cobblestone courtyard, complete with a triple waterfall was ringed by towering evergreen cedars and my covered front porch. It was green, quiet, and very private. I loved it as my place for meditation and relaxation. My rocking chair was my perch as I watched the hummingbirds zip around my hanging baskets and frolic in my fountain. The sound of the waterfalls is music to my ears. My neighbor made me so upset for what he’d done to me, as I became a victim! I went indoors to the basement and literally screamed. I allowed myself to remain angry; incensed, for 3 months. It made me sick.

The symptoms begin

Soon after finding out that the demise of my sanctuary was imminent, my right eye started to constantly tear up resulting in tears streaming down my face. Being very upset, I’m sure my emotional state caused the tears to stream.  The tear duct clogged up which resulted in me needing surgery, which included the surgeon accidently burning the inside of my nose due to a surgical error. After the first surgery they “…went back in there…” a second time. The pain was indescribable, some of the worst I’ve ever experienced. I HATE the term “going back in there”. Twenty years ago, my neurosurgeon went “back in there” 3 times. It didn’t help.

The demolition date for the trees was set, and my sanctuary was decimated on the morning of my 67^th birthday. My green amphitheater was gone in a matter of hours along with my sanctuary and privacy. The neighbor’s house  towered over my courtyard with an unimpeded view of my yard and porch. I implored him to buy tall replacement plants to restore some of my privacy, but he said, “I don’t care…that’s your problem”. I talked him into allowing me to buy  the replacements. He chipped in all of $200 towards my $2,500 cost to plant his plants in his yard. My anger escalated. The sanctuary should by restored in about 10 years. Meanwhile I’m building a replacement sanctuary in the backyard.

More problems

Just as I was healing from the complications of my eye surgery, I woke one night in a lot of pain. As I sat up, I was overcome with pain in my right flank. I laid back down desperately trying to determine what was happening. I writhed in pain the rest of the night refusing to admit I was in trouble and telling my wife I was hurting. By the time I decided I needed to get to the hospital I could no longer sit up as the pain was too intense. My wife called 911.

My anxiety level skyrocketed. I was frightened by the duration and intensity of the pain.  A CT scan revealed a blockage in my right renal artery. The doctor said it was like the kidney had a heart attack (infarction). My right kidney was damaged, and its function was reduced by about 50%. They medicated and admitted me to the hospital.

Now COVID–and The Abyss

The nurse woke me at 2:30AM and said, “Sir, please wake up, you aren’t going to like what I have to tell you.” She was right, I didn’t like it when she told me my hospital roommate had Covid-19. He was an elderly man with serious respiratory distress. He had been coughing and hacking for the past 2 hours with no mask and the door closed. I bolted from the room and was quarantined for the remainder of my four-day hospital stay. No visitors allowed.

I was already on edge worried about producing another clot and having another stroke before the Covid-19 exposure. With the news that I’d been exposed, I went over the edge and quickly descended to the bottom of the abyss. I couldn’t talk or think straight. Everything around me went dark as I was in dire pain both emotionally and physically. With my comorbidities including COPD, congestive heart failure, and a prior stroke I was at high risk for succumbing to the virus. I thought I may die from the kidney blood clot and/or the virus exposure. My anxiety level was off the charts.

There was no social interaction for the next 4 days. Staff came in daily in “moon suits”. I couldn’t see anyone I knew during my 4 day stay. When discharged, I was quarantined at home until I tested negative; 10 long days after my exposure.

Clenched teeth–the descent continues

The day I was admitted to the hospital was the same day that I was set to have oral surgery. A week before the kidney problem appeared, I had broken and/or damaged my lower 4 lower front teeth. While chewing, I clamped down too hard and the front teeth landed behind the lower teeth breaking  them. I was crushing my food as my jaw was set and tense still manifesting the anger since I was not ready to let it go. It cost $10,000 for dental repairs because I was stubbornly holding onto my anger rather than processing it and letting it go. 

 It became  obvious to me that I was triggered by the neighbor and was profoundly angry and resentful of what he had done to ME (the victim). Whenever I thought about or saw my neighbor, I’d have a real bad reaction.

There were 3 major health events within 100 days of my neighbor announcing that he was going to remove the trees that guarded my sanctuary. #1) required one surgery and two intensely painful “procedures”. #2) I broke my teeth by biting down too hard. #3) I had the renal artery infarction of the right kidney.

Moving on

How did I go from lounging in the green circle in my sanctuary to being in the red circle back in the pit of darkness and despair? By failing to address and process my anger I caused myself  to be sick. I knew how to calm myself through meditation, processing anger and climb out of the pit. Finally, I flipped the switch on my anger toward the neighbor and subsequently let the whole problem go. I’m building a new refuge and I’m back to greeting my neighbor. The eye healed completely, the teeth were replaced, and the kidney suffered some damage but is now stable. The most important consequence from this incident was me having to consciously decide that I was not going to be the victim and that I need to maintain my “practice” of the DOC Journey’s main tenets. Meditate and relax your nervous system. Refuse to discuss your pain problem with others, and always process your anger expeditiously.

My new life

Having been on The DOC Journey for 7 years, I’ve NEVER felt better in my life. My chronic pain is gone; my anxiety is under control. Over the 20+ years while in the abyss my anxiety was so high the future terrified me.  The pain haunted and tormented me. Now I eagerly look forward to today with, awareness, renewed energy, and a pain free existence. My reaction to what was previously unending pain was living an angry, sedentary, reclusive, and psychologically paralyzed life. I’m now very active walking, swimming, and practicing yoga daily. I no longer perseverate about problems and issues over which I have no control. The physical activity promotes awareness, positive thoughts and the never ending “chatter” in our minds. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my lifetime. I’ve learned when and how to “flip the switch”.

The consequences of anger

I have learned a lot about anger from observing hundreds of patients navigate it or not and from my own journey out of chronic pain. There are no shortcuts. If you decide to remain angry, you are choosing to hold onto your pain. What makes this challenging is that anger is powerful, it protects you from feeling vulnerable. Additionally, the more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let go. Tom certainly had a lot of legitimate reasons to remain angry.

Anger is so powerful, no one ever wants to really give it up. I have used a term, “flip the switch.” You just have to decide to move on. Life is never fair and other wrongs will continue to be done to you. If you continue to hold onto them, it becomes a heavy load. It also compromises your immune system and you’ll have a significant chance of becoming ill. Tom’s story is a classic example.

Processing anger is a learned skill set that will allow you to live the life you choose on your own terms. Tom continues to be a major inspiration for me.

Addendum

I’m trying to adjust to this feeling of well-being. I’m so relieved to not be in pain anymore that I could shout it from the rooftop. One thing we need to pay attention to is the “why”. Why me and not so many others?  But also, what traits, characteristics or beliefs do I and others share that have successfully made the transition from chronic pain to a pain free existence? That question hangs in my head daily.

Best. Tom

The post Anger and Illness–Cause and Effect first appeared on Back in Control.

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Mark was in his early 40’s, successful, married with two young girls, and intense. He is a great guy and had a good time with the group. He experienced a nice improvement in his pain. But I tell every person, “Your pain will recur when you go back to your environment with its triggers–especially the family ones, which are the strongest. That is what happened, but he was able to use his tools and do pretty well. He wasn’t satisfied and returned for two more workshops in 2018 and 2019. Each time he had been doing better but wanted more and had hit a wall. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am a surgeon and not a counselor. I had a blunt (very blunt) conversation to let go, quit trying to fix his pain, stop seeking more wisdom, and just get on with his life. I told him to quit reading books, including mine, and focus on nurturing himself and his family; that is best done through play. He wasn’t that happy with me because he thought I was going to give him more strategies (I had run out….). I did not hear from him for over six months and was a little worried, so I wrote him. Here is part of his email.

Mark’s letter

In general, I have lost a bit of an interest in all the pain-related stuff. I guess I have read too many books in the past and now everything feels a bit old and repetitive. But most importantly, I came to the realization that I will never fully figure it out. So, as a result I haven’t read or listened to anything pain-related since last summer and I have shifted my attention to other things (He actually listened to me).

Both of my girls (10 and 12) play field hockey. And my youngest one made the first team this year, which is kind of a big deal here where I live. Next to Soccer it’s our number one national sport.

Anyway, in order to support my daughter in her endeavor, I changed from being just a spectator to being her coach and practice partner. In other words, I started playing myself and learning a new and technically difficult sport. So, I have been playing 3-4 times a week since July with my daughter. We go out and play ball for about 1-1.5 hours. On the days that we don’t go out we play and practice our skills in the kitchen. There is always a stick and a ball nearby. Long story short, I live and breathe hockey and I absolutely love it. 

Neuroplasticity in action and from action

Instead of doing what I normally did, which has been the same for the past 10-15 years or so, I started changing myself with new goals and ambitions, new thoughts and emotions, and lots of physical exercise. Instead of being occupied with the familiar and usual things, everything changed. My interests went from intellectual (pain related) to something completely new. One day I realized that without intention I was actually creating a new identity by changing my brain and thus reprogramming my nervous system. 

Even though it’s said that hockey is really strenuous on your physique and in particular your lower back, I haven’t had the least bit of pain. On the contrary, it rather goes away. Even my anxiety at certain times of day, has mostly vanished. I feel like by accident I have found a natural way to un-condition myself from certain pain and anxieties that were built into my daily routine and how I react towards life in general. It’s been wonderful to witness… afterwards. I say afterwards because I wasn’t preoccupied with my (old) condition. I didn’t care about the old me because I was too busy becoming someone else. Do you know what I mean?

I do still have pain, sometimes even a lot of pain.. but that is from all the physical exercise. At 46 years of age I may be pushing it a little.. and I am finding out that I am not getting any younger ! But it’s all good. Mark

Moving forward

We have now reconnected and are in touch regularly. He has even come a long way since this email at the beginning of the year. He told my wife, who provides the rhythm and movement part of the workshop that he had thought the play was a waste time. He told her that he now felt it was the most important part.

Here are some observations he recently shared with me that I feel are the essence of healing. I have a question and answer session every Tuesday and Thursday at noon Pacific Time. This email was in response to one of the Zoom calls.

Read this section several times – he just described the essence healing

When I was listening to Vincent (another Omega graduate) and later also Babs (my tap dancing wife), I couldn’t help but wonder how useful these explanations are to the other listeners. Without a proper context, I am just a guy that started playing with a hockey ball, Vincent (an accomplished artist) plays with masks, and Babs creates art. So, how does that relate to someone else’s personal situation. What are they supposed to do with this type of information? People, including myself in the past want answers to questions so they can solve their own issues. 

I kept thinking how I never really understood that point of letting to and enjoying life. On an intellectual level perhaps but I never was able to practice it in real life. For me it was by sheer luck that I finally made a real shift. I was literally tired of solving a problem that couldn’t be solved by my intellect. I was so tired of it that I stopped listening to all my favorite audiobooks every night including yourself (I didn’t take it personally). And I decided to just have fun and do something else with my life. I happened to choose a brilliant combination of physical activity, play and family.

As I told you in one of my previous emails, I literally changed my identity. I believe for me awareness and a change of my identity was key for my breakthrough.

It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how my pain and anxiety were closely tied to my identity that I build up over many years. My neurology created the same predictable body chemistry every day. How I dealt with people and situations in life, my thinking patterns, emotions never really changed as they were part of my identity. And as pain is a reflection of your ‘body budget’, the way I unconsciously regulate my ‘chemistry’ was always pretty much the same. To me, this was the metaphorical mountain I tried to conquer with a pick axe.

Even though I know that healing occurs differently with different people, I wonder how most of us can achieve a lasting change  unless we change some of our habits and the way we live, without giving up some of who we are. Who we are now, is the identity that experiences anxiety and chronic pain.

Only by letting go of that part of you and replacing it with someone or something new that is fun, playful and loving you can let go of your pain. Simply because part of you that identified with pain no longer is in control. However, that is the difficult part, it starts with awareness and then following through with starting a ‘new life’.

Mark persisted and made it. Some people have almost immediate responses and he had a great start. But it is hard to comprehend what is possible. By continuing to move forwards, he is now living it. Nice work!!

The post Freed by Persistence and Play first appeared on Back in Control.

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If you are angry, in a reactive mode, it’s difficult to develop a plan. A metaphor showing the impact of anger is how they handle elephants in India. When the elephants are very small, they train them to stay in one place by tying one foot to a stake with a chain.  When the elephant has grown into a huge adult, it will still be held in place by the same type of small stake. They have been programmed to think of the stake as something that cannot be broken. Anger is similar in that it anchors you down and you cannot move forward. Becoming aware of the nature of this bond allows you to break it and you can move on.

Stuck

I have yet to see a patient become pain free until they have let go of their legitimate anger. It is the most challenging and rewarding aspect of this whole process. This phase is difficult for me because I have seen so many people succeed that it is discouraging to watch many that are just not willing to let go. The difference in the quality of life for the patients who can process their anger versus those who cannot or won’t is dramatic beyond words.

The Anger Switch

What makes this process even harder for me to watch is that letting go isn’t nearly as difficult as you might think and the impact on a patient’s life happens quickly. The anger switch is either on or off and there is not much middle ground. Within weeks of crossing this divide there is usually a significant improvement in pain and decrease in anxiety. The difficulty is in initially making the decision to give up the anger. It is powerful and addicting.  Anger: “The Continental Divide” of Chronic Pain

Norma was a middle-aged woman who had undergone four major spine surgeries and still had ongoing pain. I had performed the last two surgeries, each of which gave her about six months of relief. When the pain returned, the new studies were fine and there was nothing I could do to surgically help her. By this time, she knew my lines well, but was not buying the pain pathways idea and that ongoing anger could keep all of her pain fired up. I finally gave up and encouraged her to get another opinion. About a year later I received a jubilant email from her that she was free of pain. Her comment was, “Who would have thought it was the anger?” Once she crossed that line, her pain resolved within a few weeks. She has remarried and is still thriving in the middle of a lot of ongoing personal adversity. She’s moving forward and creating her own life.

I have to let go

I have learned that there’s absolutely nothing that I can do to help them move on. In fact, the more I try to convince someone who is angry to give up their anger, the angrier they will become. This is the point of the process, that I have to let go and hope they will eventually engage. Patience is not the first virtue of a surgeon, but I have learned to wait this phase out. It is surprising and encouraging that many people, months and sometimes years later, suddenly understand and will experience major improvements in their quality of life.

Let go of your anger. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Video: “Taking Back Your Spirit” – Carolyn Myss

The post The Elephant’s Noose first appeared on Back in Control.

The post The Elephant’s Noose appeared first on Back in Control.

• You can only engage in the tools that enable your brain to heal itself.
  • The basic starting point is regularly practicing active mediation.
• In fact, the more focused you are on getting rid of your pain, the lower the odds are that the pain will abate.
•  Pain will still be running the show.
  • It is important move forward with or without your pain
• The new neurological pathways do not have to embody pain.

I have a metaphor that I share it with many of my patients. Trying to “fix” chronic pain is like putting your hand into the middle of a hornet’s nest. You cannot be successful in controlling these powerful survival responses. The process is that of connecting with your true nature and letting go – like a bunch of balloons.

A Bunch of Balloons

Imagine climbing a large mountain the size of Mount Rainier. At the peak, there is a “better you.”  The climb represents our endless quest for self-improvement. This journey takes endless forms: self-help books, healers, psychologists, medications, etc. There is a significant problem with this situation: “What does that ‘better you’ look like?” You may have a vague idea, but generally it is a concept that is idealized and humanly unattainable. Additionally, you are expending a tremendous amount of your life energy on this endless quest.

Instead, imagine a bunch of balloons tied to a railing. The strings represent your neurological patterns that are holding you down. What the various reprogramming tools accomplish is to cut the strings. Eventually, you will take off. There is no longer a goal to achieve a “better you.” You are able to enjoy the life you have with what you have. You are also not expending any effort and the potential is limitless.

You are fine just the way you are this minute. There are many interferences connecting with your true value system. Once you re-connect with who you really are, your life will change. Remember: the consistent result of many patients going through this process is a rich pain-free life.  The main variable is the degree of commitment – and letting go.

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