Anger

There is a a “genealogy” of anger that is important to recognise.

• Circumstance
• Blame
• Victim
• Frustration/ anger

Anger is the set of sensations generated by an intense fight or flight response and it is damaging to your body when it is sustained. There is a set of tools that I call, “anger processing” that calm down this response and it is a set of skills you must use many times a day. Life keeps coming at us. Unfortunately, the more legitimate your anger, the more difficult it is to process – but it still damages your body. Being trapped in mental or physical pain is one of those situations.

Carol

Carol is a woman who contacted me about ten years ago. She had read Back in Control and began to use the strategies outlined on my website to calm her nervous system. She had been severely disabled with pain throughout her body. Within a few months she began to improve and was markedly better by the time she connected with me.

I have since learned that all chronic disease, mental and physical, is caused by chronic stress, which means your body’s chemistry is in sustained activated threat physiology. She had already developed a significant set of medical problems by the time I had met her with many physical setbacks. She kept moving forward and her efforts were inspiring.

Then she had to be put into a nursing home on the other side of the country, and she was truly miserable. I did not have any suggestions and was also a bit discouraged by her situation. Then a few months ago, I received this letter.

Her letter

Dear David,

Just a note to let you know your DOC Journey has pulled me through yet another trip back to The Abyss. Since moving here last June, I have felt I have been in a “third world country,” also known as an Assisted Living Facility. It’s bad enough being 83 and sick, but it’s even worse when the facility you live in is way below par in every way, Staff, food, medical needs, activities, cleanliness, and caring. Add that to that the frustration over my loss of hearing. Closed Captions are now a part of my TV world and I find myself wanting them everywhere. I cannot afford the doctor who recommended hearing aids right now because I am working on yet another expensive “fix it” project, my teeth. What else can go wrong? The depression/anxiety and pain were also taking over my life again.

However, rather than just sit here and play the victim, I thought; what can I do to make this better? I remembered a conversation you and I had after I read his book, Back in Control and about helping others. That is what I felt he did for me. He took his knowledge and experience and has helped me and others understand how we can apply it to our own situation with his book, the weekly newsletters, various posts, and podcasts, the Q&A sessions and other educational material. He shared what he knew and paid it forward! How could I make this work in my own situation?

I remembered the experience I had of working with my mother back in 1977. She had Alzheimer’s. I knew nothing about that, Medicare, Medicaid, and elderly living. I moved in with her, turned her 3^rd bedroom into an office and worked on getting her proper care and eventually, into a lovely Skilled Nursing Facility. It was an exasperating experience as I was suffering from a recent divorce, depression/anxiety, chronic pain, and Fibromyalgia. But, as I look back on it now, I realize it was very also very educational. Several years later, when I was the Executive Secretary for both the Director and the Administrator of a 27-story health care facility in San Francisco, it occurred to me that I could use that expertise and knowledge as well, and act as an advocate for residents who could not be an advocate for themselves.

Subsequently, living here for a while, I realized that most of the residents have some level of dementia, and no one is paying much attention to them. Unfortunately, their families have just dumped them off for someone else to look after. I knew how good it made me feel when I talked with you because you validated me as a real person, not just a number. For such a long time I felt that no one understood what I was talking about. His understanding and willingness to share gave me so much hope and began to restore me as a human being. I learned that this is what people want most, to be recognized, cared for, and loved.

As bad as this place is (and it’s bad), I felt that perhaps God had placed me here for a reason. Before moving here, I lived in a fabulous Assisted Living facility in Washington, so it gave me something to compare this to. Maybe I could make a difference. I found out where to complain, the State Health Care Facility Complaint Board, and contacted them. I also contacted the Ombudsman for this district. I wrote to and talked with both parties, plus Administration heads and some of the board members of the place where I live and pointed out nearly 20 complaints. The more I have worked with these residents and staff, instead of thinking about my problems, the better I’ve felt. And, I am pleased to say that because I was willing to stand up and pay it forward, the facility is making some real changes that have made a major difference in most of the resident’s wellbeing.

–Carol

Trapped – or not

People often use the term, “stress management” to deal with adversity. What is overlooked in this phrase is that at the situations that are the most stressful are the ones you can’t control. So, the approach needs to be flipped. You must learn to calm yourself first, which requires learning the skills and practice (there are plenty of opportunities). Positive thinking doesn’t work. You have to address each scenario head on. If you can change it, do it. If you can’t, then use your tools.

Paradoxically, as you are not burning up energy on situations you have no control over, you’ll have more to actually solve more of your problems. If you are dependent on your circumstances for your peace of mind, you are at the mercy of them.

She was truly trapped, and actually still is. Many, if not most of us are in similar situations, whether it is finances, difficult work environment, lack of opportunity, racism, or family dynamics. She chose to relate to her circumstances differently, which allowed her body to reconnect to its capacity to heal. You will be surprised to see how many more of your problems are solvable when you can calm down first. She continues to be an inspiration for me.

The post No More Being a Victim – Pay it Forward and Heal first appeared on Back in Control.

The post No More Being a Victim – Pay it Forward and Heal appeared first on Back in Control.

• Relaxing
• Rewiring
• Reframing
• Re-connecting

Here are a couple of stories I would like to share with you about reframing.

Twenty dollars

When my daughter, Jaz, was about 13 we were helping my wife host a tango party (milonga) at her dance studio. Once a month she held an all-night milonga for about 100 people. Jaz and I weren’t that happy to be there and she was already in a bad mood. After much encouragement I was about ready to give up when I had an idea. I said, “Look, I’ll give you twenty dollars if you can be happy for the next hour.” Much to my surprise, she not only took me up on it but she had a great time the rest of the evening since she knew many people who were happy to see her. (she still took my twenty dollars) Even now when she dips into a negative state of mind I’ll remind her about that experience.

“I decided to enjoy what I do”

Another story that comes to mind is about a friend of mine who was in dental school at the same time I was in medical school. We remained close friends after graduation. He set up his dental practice in a small town and was reasonably successful. However, he wasn’t that happy. He was isolated. It was hard to consistently hire good help. He wasn’t living where he wanted to be and the list went on. About a year later, I spent the weekend with him and he was a different person. He was energized and excited about building his practice, which was now thriving. Nothing else had changed. I asked him, “What happened?” He replied, “I decided to enjoy what I do.” That was it. He continued to grow the practice to the point where he could and did sell it and moved back to his hometown.

Reframing is not positive thinking

Positive thinking is a global from of thought suppression that is detrimental to your mental health and secondarily your physical health. In fact, one recent study showed that it damages the hippocampus of the brain, which is the short and long-term memory processing center. (2) Reframing, is different in that you first become aware of your negative thinking and then you make a conscious choice to substitute a more functional thoughts or outlook. Positive substitution is the essence of the stimulating neuroplastic changes in the brain. The Dangers of Positive Thinking

“The Choice Theory”

William Glasser was a well-known educator who authored, The Choice Theory, (3) well before the possibilities of neuroplasticity were known. It’s an excellent book about how to effectively relate to adverse circumstances. One choice would be to change the circumstances. If you don’t have that choice, though, you can change how you relate to them.

In a prior post I have used the metaphor of a hurricane in addressing life stresses. The extreme winds of the hurricane can represent your racing thoughts or circumstances. You can’t control your mind and most circumstances are also out of our control. You cannot stop a hurricane and you’ll also waste a lot of energy trying to slow down your mind or control your difficult situations. The intent of the DOC process is provide you the tools that allow you to be in the center of the storm and remain there. The above stories involved situations that could not be changed but each person had a choice about how to relate to them. The Eye of the Storm

Positive substitution

I attended a two-day seminar at The Pacific Institute, which was founded by a Northwest football coach, Lou Tice. He had a remarkable outlook on life regarding how to be both personally and professionally successful. One important concept he presented was that our brains are continually pounded by negative thinking, which will create deeply etched-in unpleasant neurological pathways. He pointed out what now seems obvious, “Why not program your brain by substituting positive thoughts?” You again have to be aware of the negative thoughts in order to substitute.

Another problem in maintaining a negative life outlook is that your brain and body is already negatively pre-primed with stress chemicals, so when you do encounter adversity you are more quickly apt to over-react and be in an even worse mood. It affects your quality of life and you will be less able to come up with creative solutions for problems at work and home?  From reactive to creative

We all have a daily choice regarding how to view our lives.

“Better Not Look Down”

1. Seminowicz DA, et al. “Effective treatment of chronic low back pain in humans reverses abnormal brain anatomy and function.” The Journal of Neurosci­ence (2011); 31: 7540-7550.
2. Hulbert, JC. Inducing amnesia through systemic suppression. Nature Communications (2016); 7:1103.
3. Glasser, William. The Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. HarperCollins, 1998.

The post Changing Your Story – Reframing first appeared on Back in Control.

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Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old. They stop pursing dreams when they are crushed by relentless anxiety…

Gabriel Garcia Marquez modified by David Hanscom

Life just beats us up—pain or no pain. Eventually many if not most of us gravitate towards a survival mode. Instead of living life with creativity and vigor, we’re just trying to get to Friday and recover over the weekend.

Chronic pain greatly magnifies this process. Instead of aiming for Friday, you are trying to just get through the day. As you become more anxious and frustrated, it becomes more difficult to engage in positive experiences with your family and friends. Good food, wine, and hobbies gradually disappear. In almost all cases, people suffering from chronic pain become increasingly isolated.

The major problem with this sequence is that an inordinate percent of your nervous system is focused on your pain, so you will feel it more. The reason that goal setting becomes such an important part of the DOC project is that it causes your thoughts to be somewhere else besides your pain. Goal setting is not positive thinking. Positive thinking is just another way of suppressing negative thinking and particularly in the context of chronic pain it is a disaster.

I was reminded about a poem I wrote in 2003 while attending a surgical training session sponsored by one of our instrumentation companies.  It was a remarkable weekend that altered my surgical approach to spinal deformity. Most of the three-day course was spent working on cadavers. I wrote this poem:

Whoever you were
You were generous
Giving yourself
To be my teacher
On your last day of
School

Remember the time of your life where your dreams were running free. Spend some time with it and re-connect with that energy. Reminisce with your partner. You have only one shot at this life. Give it your best shot!!

The post The First and Last Day of School first appeared on Back in Control.

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