Anger

There is a a “genealogy” of anger that is important to recognise.

• Circumstance
• Blame
• Victim
• Frustration/ anger

Anger is the set of sensations generated by an intense fight or flight response and it is damaging to your body when it is sustained. There is a set of tools that I call, “anger processing” that calm down this response and it is a set of skills you must use many times a day. Life keeps coming at us. Unfortunately, the more legitimate your anger, the more difficult it is to process – but it still damages your body. Being trapped in mental or physical pain is one of those situations.

Carol

Carol is a woman who contacted me about ten years ago. She had read Back in Control and began to use the strategies outlined on my website to calm her nervous system. She had been severely disabled with pain throughout her body. Within a few months she began to improve and was markedly better by the time she connected with me.

I have since learned that all chronic disease, mental and physical, is caused by chronic stress, which means your body’s chemistry is in sustained activated threat physiology. She had already developed a significant set of medical problems by the time I had met her with many physical setbacks. She kept moving forward and her efforts were inspiring.

Then she had to be put into a nursing home on the other side of the country, and she was truly miserable. I did not have any suggestions and was also a bit discouraged by her situation. Then a few months ago, I received this letter.

Her letter

Dear David,

Just a note to let you know your DOC Journey has pulled me through yet another trip back to The Abyss. Since moving here last June, I have felt I have been in a “third world country,” also known as an Assisted Living Facility. It’s bad enough being 83 and sick, but it’s even worse when the facility you live in is way below par in every way, Staff, food, medical needs, activities, cleanliness, and caring. Add that to that the frustration over my loss of hearing. Closed Captions are now a part of my TV world and I find myself wanting them everywhere. I cannot afford the doctor who recommended hearing aids right now because I am working on yet another expensive “fix it” project, my teeth. What else can go wrong? The depression/anxiety and pain were also taking over my life again.

However, rather than just sit here and play the victim, I thought; what can I do to make this better? I remembered a conversation you and I had after I read his book, Back in Control and about helping others. That is what I felt he did for me. He took his knowledge and experience and has helped me and others understand how we can apply it to our own situation with his book, the weekly newsletters, various posts, and podcasts, the Q&A sessions and other educational material. He shared what he knew and paid it forward! How could I make this work in my own situation?

I remembered the experience I had of working with my mother back in 1977. She had Alzheimer’s. I knew nothing about that, Medicare, Medicaid, and elderly living. I moved in with her, turned her 3^rd bedroom into an office and worked on getting her proper care and eventually, into a lovely Skilled Nursing Facility. It was an exasperating experience as I was suffering from a recent divorce, depression/anxiety, chronic pain, and Fibromyalgia. But, as I look back on it now, I realize it was very also very educational. Several years later, when I was the Executive Secretary for both the Director and the Administrator of a 27-story health care facility in San Francisco, it occurred to me that I could use that expertise and knowledge as well, and act as an advocate for residents who could not be an advocate for themselves.

Subsequently, living here for a while, I realized that most of the residents have some level of dementia, and no one is paying much attention to them. Unfortunately, their families have just dumped them off for someone else to look after. I knew how good it made me feel when I talked with you because you validated me as a real person, not just a number. For such a long time I felt that no one understood what I was talking about. His understanding and willingness to share gave me so much hope and began to restore me as a human being. I learned that this is what people want most, to be recognized, cared for, and loved.

As bad as this place is (and it’s bad), I felt that perhaps God had placed me here for a reason. Before moving here, I lived in a fabulous Assisted Living facility in Washington, so it gave me something to compare this to. Maybe I could make a difference. I found out where to complain, the State Health Care Facility Complaint Board, and contacted them. I also contacted the Ombudsman for this district. I wrote to and talked with both parties, plus Administration heads and some of the board members of the place where I live and pointed out nearly 20 complaints. The more I have worked with these residents and staff, instead of thinking about my problems, the better I’ve felt. And, I am pleased to say that because I was willing to stand up and pay it forward, the facility is making some real changes that have made a major difference in most of the resident’s wellbeing.

–Carol

Trapped – or not

People often use the term, “stress management” to deal with adversity. What is overlooked in this phrase is that at the situations that are the most stressful are the ones you can’t control. So, the approach needs to be flipped. You must learn to calm yourself first, which requires learning the skills and practice (there are plenty of opportunities). Positive thinking doesn’t work. You have to address each scenario head on. If you can change it, do it. If you can’t, then use your tools.

Paradoxically, as you are not burning up energy on situations you have no control over, you’ll have more to actually solve more of your problems. If you are dependent on your circumstances for your peace of mind, you are at the mercy of them.

She was truly trapped, and actually still is. Many, if not most of us are in similar situations, whether it is finances, difficult work environment, lack of opportunity, racism, or family dynamics. She chose to relate to her circumstances differently, which allowed her body to reconnect to its capacity to heal. You will be surprised to see how many more of your problems are solvable when you can calm down first. She continues to be an inspiration for me.

The post No More Being a Victim – Pay it Forward and Heal first appeared on Back in Control.

The post No More Being a Victim – Pay it Forward and Heal appeared first on Back in Control.

• Anger is a hard wired automatic survival reaction, and it is impossible to get rid of, conquer, or transform it into a more constructive experience.
• We are not programmed to be vulnerable, so we don’t have a good reason to give up anger, nor will we ever want to. Anger is protective but also damages human relationships.
• Understanding the various obstacles to dealing with anger effectively is an important step in learning how to process it.
• Many, if not most people, do not want to give up their anger (pain). There are reasons why.

The unwillingness to process anger, let go, and move on is the greatest obstacle to healing. And without learning to let go and move on towards what you want, it is impossible to heal from mental or physical pain. Nonetheless, even hearing compelling stories of healing, a high percent of people simply had no interest in pursuing a healing process. The excuses were endless, but it boiled down to not being able to let go.

I spent at least five years trying to convince people to pursue these concepts, and the harder I tried, the more resistance I ran into. To be clear, I never found a way to engage them, and I finally realized that it was important for me to conserve my energy for those who were open to learning and change. So, the first point I want to make is that I am wide open to suggestions regarding ways of presenting these ideas in a manner that reaches more people. I am a bit discouraged, but not giving up.

That being said, I have learned a lot about the reasons why people won’t give up their anger, and they are definitely unique to a given person.

Obstacles to addressing anger

The main reason preventing people from letting go, is that anxiety and anger are hard wired into our brains. They are both words that describe your sensations generated being in flight (anxiety), or fight (anger). Under any perception of real or imagined threat, there is an instant reaction that compels you to take action to ensure survival. You cannot reason with or do battle with these circuits. As my friend, Dr. Bruce Lipton, points out, “There is nobody home.” You might as well lift up the hood to your car and talk to the engine. They are necessary for survival and are necessary gifts.

Second, when you are anxious and especially upset, your body is full of inflammatory proteins call cytokines. These small proteins are the ways that cells locally communicate with each other. At a certain threat threshold, they signal anger (fight or flight) and cause the blood supply to shift from the thinking centers of the brain (neocortex) to the lower survival regions of the brain. You physically can’t think straight. So, a significant aspect of chronic disease is that the inflammatory nature of it blocks the ability to treat it. Some patients report a sense of “brain fog.” It is not a psychological term. It is your brain “on fire.”

Then if your anger/ anxiety is sustained, the inflammation and elevated metabolism (rate of fuel burn) physically robs your brain of fuel and destroys neurons. You have heard me mention multiple times, that chronic pain causes physical shrinkage of your brain. Fortunately, it will regenerate through the healing process.¹ How can you learn how to understand a new treatment approach if you can’t think clearly?

Fourth, racing thoughts become permanently etched into your brain and become obsessive though patterns. They realty are not responsive to rational interventions. One metaphor is that of dust devils that are small mini-tornados that are common in the open prairie. Your brain has trillions of them, so even if the smallest percent become powerful, that is a problem. It also universal and a trait of possessing consciousness and language. My term for it is “phantom brain pain” because it is a similar process as phantom limb pain. It can occur in any part of the body, including your mind.

But a major issue with letting go of anger is that it protects you from being or feeling vulnerable. There is no reward in nature with any species, including humans, for being vulnerable. You are dead. Remember, the main responsibility of your hard wired unconscious brain is to keep you alive, not to provide you a good time. The problem for humans is that being vulnerable is at the core of successful relationships.² It is a huge dilemma.

Finally, anger is addicting. Why would we not want to hold onto it? It is powerful or at least feels powerful. A basic human drive is to feel safe. Anger does give you more power and control, and you feel safer (even though it may not be true).

The rewards of anger – and winning

There is even a physiological reward for power. It has been shown that people who are bullied have higher inflammatory markers than students who were not harassed.³ What is more disturbing is that the bullies have lower levels of inflammation. A 50-year study in Britain showed that about 40% of adults were bullied while in middle school and high school. The long-term consequences were brutal.⁴

What we are calling, “socialization” is really a huge power struggle. You would think we would behave better as adults, but the behaviors frequently carry over. For example, there is a phenomenon called “mobbing” where co-workers will gang up on a given worker.

You may not want to hear this, but people in pain are often “bullies.” They can make endless demands on the family and caregivers. They may not be that nice about it. Instead of being sources of peace and love, they are emanating a negative energy that creates chaos. They may not be enjoying it but also don’t know how to give it up. It is a vicious cycle.

Additional barriers

Other obstacles to letting go include:

• You may not recognize that you are angry. It is your baseline state.
• The more legitimate your anger, the harder it is to let it go.
• If you are socially isolated, it is challenging to keep up and hone your interpersonal skills, especially when you are in pain.
• Not understanding the nature of letting go. It is a powerful move of taking your life back, not one of weakness.

 Recap

The one factor that predicts healing is willingness to learn the tools to calm and reroute your nervous system. Why would not everyone want to do this? A high percent of people have no interest even in spite of ongoing misery and endlessly seeking medical care.

This lesson presents some of the reasons why this is such a problem, but the essence of it is that the disease itself is what blocks treatment. Anger is the sensation created by a fired up nervous system, increased rate of fuel consumption, and inflammation. The inflammatory markers (cytokines) create a shift in the blood supply from the neocortex of brain (thinking centers) to the lower parts of the brain (survival regions). So, we can’t think clearly enough even to begin to engage. Chronic pain is especially problematic, in that the amount of anger generated by being trapped in pain is unspeakable. That is why a famous rehab physician, Dr. John Sarno, called it “rage.”⁵ My term is being in “The Abyss.” It is a very dark spot and sometimes it is so hard to see any light that nothing happens.

Questions and considerations

1. Several or none of these barriers to letting go of your anger may be relevant to your situation. If they do not and you are not willing to learn ways to let go and heal, then what are your own obstacles.
2. If you have come this far in the course, that is a huge accomplishment. If these ideas did apply to you, you have surmounted them enough to engage.
3. For some people, positive changes can occur quickly, and they are not prepared to deal with the speed of change. Generally, they will pull back but eventually re-engage. Pulling back happens for the same reasons that originally blocked learning. Understanding your personal blocks allows you to work back around them quickly.
4. Do you really want to let go of your anger? The answer is, “no” for all of us. But you may want to have a better life.

References

1. Seminowicz DA, et al. Effective Treatment of Chronic Low Back Pain in Humans Reverses Abnormal Brain Anatomy and Function. The Journal of Neurosci­ence (2011); 31: 7540-7550.
2. De Mello, Anthony. The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony De Mello. Doubleday, New York, 1992.
3. Copeland W, et al. Childhood bullying involvement predicts low-grade systemic inflammation into adulthood. PNAS (2014); 111: 7570-7575.
4. Takizawa R, et al. Adult health outcomes of childhood bullying victimization: Evidence from a five-decade longitudinal British birth cohort. Am J Psychiatry (2014); 171:777-784.
5. Sarno, John. Mind Over Back Pain. Berkeley, New York, 1999.

The post Blocks to Letting Go of Anger first appeared on Back in Control.

The post Blocks to Letting Go of Anger appeared first on Back in Control.